Season 8 - Episode 8 - Collybus

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas. 


                                                              LIU Atlas - Collybus
The Ludgonian Industrial Union's galaxy contains billions of stars and billions of planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.


Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Oldie: “Gather around guys. Mike and I have good news for once.”
Cam: “We’re actually getting paid this season?”
Oldie: “Well, hopefully, but that’s not the news.”
Doog: “You won the lottery? And you’re going to give all of us a cut?”
Mike: “Uh no. I’m pretty sure you’d never see us again if that happened.”
Timbo: “It’s something to do with money. Just tell us.”
Oldie: “Our requisition request for more supplies finally came through. It only took five years and they only sent a quarter of what I requested, but we’re now the proud owner of two hundred credits.”
Doog: “Heck yeah! What are we waiting for? Where’s the nearest brothel?”
Mike: “It doesn’t work that way. I asked.”
Oldie: “We’ll need receipts for everything we purchase. They must be related to the job.”
Doog: “Where’s the fun in that?”

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting Collybus, a rogue asteroid on the inner rim of the Blattarius Halo. Collybus was once abundant in Osmium, an element vital to the collection of dark matter. A large mining facility was built into the asteroid to extract this valuable element. However, when the element was exhausted, the facility was abandoned.”

Doog: “Collybus underwent a rebirth recently when it developed a new purpose. Its prime location in the center of several halo worlds made Collybus a perfect supply depot. Goods from the inner galaxy are shipped here to be distributed to the worlds of the Blattarius Halo. Collybus also imports goods, primarily dark matter, from the halo worlds and ships them into the galaxy. Collybus has gone from being abandoned to one of the halo’s most important worlds. We’ve come here to buy supplies and restock the Magellan.”

Cam: “Does anyone else feel bad leaving Hugo behind again?”
Doog: “No.”
Mike: “Sort of, but it’s his job. No one feels bad leaving me to filter audio hours on end.”
Oldie: “Yeah. No one feels bad leaving me to do what I do…whatever that is.”
Doog: “Let’s try not to start this day off feeling bad for anyone. Shopping is supposed to be fun. It might be another five years before we get to do this again.”
Cam: “Do we have some type of plan here? Or is it just a shopping spree?”

Oldie: “I figured we’d break up into smaller groups and get some predetermined items.”
Doog: “We’re going to have to split up. This place is huge.”
Mike: “It smells like paradise in here.”

Oldie: “It’s…it’s…a food court.”
Mike: “Food as far as the eye can see…”
Doog: “Anyone up for a two hundred credit food binge?”

Cam: “How much pizza can we get for two hundred credits?”
Doog: “Depends on how much ice cream we want for desert?”
Mike: “Let’s start with a dozen pizzas and four gallons of ice cream. I want to save some money for burgers.”
Doog: “Ooh, let’s not forget tacos.”

Oldie: “Let’s not get too crazy. Everything is marked up in these food courts. We can get a lot more if we buy the supplies to make our own meals.”
Doog: “When did you get all responsible?”
Oldie: “When I saw there’s no pony soup in this food court…”
Cam: “He’s right though. Maybe we should shop for other supplies before we blow all our cash here. We can always come back.”

Doog: “Fine. Are we still dividing up into teams? If so, I call Mike.”
Oldie: “I’m not sure that’s a great idea.”
Mike: “Why?”
Cam: “No offense, but Mike’s easily manipulated…especially when Doog is involved.”
Mike: “What! No I’m not!”
Doog: “Even if he is, too bad. I called it. We all know the rules. When it comes to the crew, debate and common sense always play second fiddle to the first call. I believe there is precedent here.”

Oldie: “Fine, but you better keep your receipts. Remember, everything you buy better be legit. Purchases have to involve work or work supplies, otherwise, it comes out of our pay for the year. Got it?”
Mike: “On second thought, I didn’t realize the stakes were so high…”
Doog: “Just say ‘got it’.”
Mike: “Got it.”
Cam: “Oh man…we are screwed.”


Doog & Mike

Mike: “A barber shop? Why are we stopping here? Are we buying combs or something?”
Doog: “No, of course not. I’m getting a haircut.”
Mike: “Haircuts aren’t supplies, Doog.”
Doog: “It’s work related though. We need the TV Host to look good, right?”
Mike: “I don’t know if that’s really in the spirit of the agreement.”
Doog: “You know, the audio-man needs a haircut too. We wouldn’t want your hair to drape over your ears and diminish our show’s audio quality.”
Mike: “I could get one too?”
Doog: “Well yeah. It’s work related.”
Mike: “Fine. Let’s do it.”

Hairdresser: “What can I do for you sir?”
Doog: “I don’t know. How does one improve upon perfection?”
Hairdresser: “Huh?”
Doog: ‘Just a little trim, please.”

Mike: “Just a trim? I’m getting the works: cut, highlights, and a style.”
Doog: “I thought about getting the works too, but then I noticed something that changed my mind.”
Mike: “What’s that?”
Doog: “Well, don’t you find it a bit disconcerting that none of the hairdressers here actually have any hair of their own.”
Mike: “I didn’t even pick up on that…oh well, shouldn’t matter. I’m sure they’re trained.”

Mike: “I think they went a tad overboard with the highlights. Be honest, how does it look?”
Doog: “Honestly, I going to need you to walk at least ten paces behind me the rest of the trip.”
Mike: “Oh come on. It’s not that bad. Besides, yours isn’t much better.”
Doog: “I know. I know. I asked for a trim, but somehow I feel my hair is longer. Don’t even get me started on how much hair gel I’m rocking right now. I could ride a hover-bike without a helmet.”

Oldie, Cam, & Timbo

Cam: “This is the lamest grocery store I’ve ever been in. Where’s all the meat?’
Timbo: “It’s not so bad. Looks like they have some pretty fresh food. Everything looks organic too. It should be better than the usual gruel we eat.”
Cam: “Hey, meat’s organic too.”
Oldie: “Relax. I got an inside tip. This grocer is the only store that stocks…”

Oldie: “…pony soup! Yes! Found it!”
Cam: “Let’s look at the label…pure, organic pony soup. Made from free range ponies that died of old age. No suffering, no preservatives. This stuff is expensive.”
Oldie: “Who cares? It’s pony soup, my favorite.”  
Cam: “You are aware that not everyone in the crew loves pony soup like you, right? I mean, it’s ok, but I’d like to get some other stuff too.”
Timbo: “Yeah, I’d really like to stock up on some fresh veggies.”
Cam: “No, not veggies. I’m talking Kaadu steak. Real man food.”
Oldie: “Pony soup is the only meat this place sells. So you can side with Timbo and eat grass or you can back me and eat a meaty, delicious soup.”
Cam: “Sigh…pony soup it is.”

Oldie: “Excuse me! Cashier! Is this the biggest size you have? Do you have anything in barrel size?”


Doog & Mike

Mike: “I’m not going to lie. I’m eager to learn how you plan on justifying alcoholic beverages as supplies.”
Doog: “Well…it could be used as a stress reliever. I guess. That seems important and work related.”
Mike: “I don’t know if that’s going to cut it.”

Doog: “The really hard stuff might pass as medical supplies. You know, as a disinfectant.”
Mike: “That’s a stretch.”

Doog: “Wine, in moderation, has shown some health benefits. They want us to make shows as long as possible, don’t they?”
Mike: “I’m not sure we could convince the producers that you do anything in moderation. Also, I don’t like wine.”

Doog: “I don’t know. Isn’t two guys getting the worst haircuts of their life justification enough? I mean…look at us.”
Mike: “Trust me, I’d like to drown my sorrows as well, but the LIU isn’t going to agree. I do like the medical angle, though. We’re going to need to get something really strong to pull it off though.”
Doog: “They have starshine on the shelf behind us. It doesn’t get any stronger than that.”
Mike: “As much as I’ve grown attached to my teeth, esophagus, and stomach…starshine might actually work.”
Doog: “We’ll take three starshine bottles please.”

Oldie, Cam, & Timbo

Cam: “Did we really stop at a store called ‘Stuff’?”
Oldie: “Why not? We need stuff.”
Cam: “Can’t argue with that.”

Oldie: “This is not what I was expecting.”
Timbo: “Oh, I get it. Stuff…like stuffed animals.”
Cam: “I don’t think these are fun, cuddly stuffed animals. I think these are literally stuffed animals. Like taxidermy or something.”
Oldie: “Well, there’s nothing we need here. Let’s move on.”

Cam: “I wouldn’t say nothing. Looks like they have some stuffed spiders. We might have finally found a way to get Doog out of bed.”
Timbo: “As much as I love the idea, I’m not sure how it qualifies as supplies.”
Oldie: “Screw it. I’ll pay for it out of my own salary. Get two.”

Doog & Mike

Mike: “Alright. We seriously need to buy one thing of actual supplies. Here’s a supply store.”
Doog: “Many decisions have been made here.”
Mike: “Huh?”
Doog: “You see what’s next to the supply store, right? There’s a ‘fun end’ massage parlor. On one end, we have supplies, on the other…fun endings.

Mike: “There’s no way you’re getting me inside there….”

Mike: “Why do I always listen to you?”
Doog: “Because I’m always right?”
Mike: “I’m not sure that you’re right this time. I didn’t realize our ‘fun end’ massage was going to be in the same room as each other. It’s kind of weird. The robot massagers with the male voices don’t make it any better. I’m at the point where I’d rather have gotten supplies.”

B4-U812: “I am B4-U8, deep tissue relations. I am fluent in over six million forms of body manipulation. I hope you found everything satisfactory. We will now proceed with your fun end: One day I bet a butcher 500 credits that he couldn’t reach the Kaadu meat on the top shelf. He declined, the stakes were too high.”
Guy: “Haha. Thanks.”

Doog: “Apparently the ‘fun end’ is a joke. Didn’t see that coming.”
Mike: “I must admit…I’m somewhat relieved. Although, the risk we took getting a massage instead of supplies is all in vain. There’s no real reward now.” 
Doog: “We get a massage and we get to hear a joke. That’s something.”

Oldie: “What the heck happened to you two?”
Doog: “We may have indulged in some totally job-related haircuts.”
Cam: “Since when are boy band makeovers considered job-related?”
Mike: “You really think I could pass for a boy band member? Sweet.”
Doog: “The host needs to look good, it‘s for my job. I don’t know why Mike got one. You should probably dock his pay.”
Mike: “What! Traitor!”
Oldie: “Is that all?”
Doog: “We may have also gotten some medical supplies…in the form of Starshine. It‘s a natural disinfectant or something.”
Oldie: “Why did we let you pick Mike?”
Doog: “Oh, and we may have paid for a joke seminar, you know, to polish up my TV persona.”
Cam: “Yeah…I see those all being rejected by the LIU.”
Doog: “Well, what did you get?”
Oldie: “A three month supply of pony soup!”
Cam: “It should be noted that the soup is organic and from recently deceased ponies. It taste twice as bad as regular pony soup. And…it’s all we have to eat for the next few months.”
Doog: “Sounds like another successful supply run. Good job guys. I‘m off to bed. I‘ll let you guys carry all the supplies onboard.”

Doog: “Ahhh! The beds are infested with giant spiders! Everyone run!”
Cam: “Hehe.”
Oldie: “So worth it.”

Doog: “Well folks, Collybus is an interesting place. It houses a huge supply depot that is sort of reminiscent of a large mall. This place has all the supplies anyone out in the Blattarius Halo will ever need, including food, alcohol, and massages. Massages with a joke at the end. No, not a choke, a joke. You can also get a haircut here too, but I wouldn’t recommend it. Well, I was going to get a much needed nap in, but it appears our ship was infested with spiders during our absence. The bathroom will be my new housing for the time-being. It should work out ok though, I’ll need to sleep in the shower a few days to get all this gel out of my hair. Oh well, see ya!”


Note:

Cam: “How long do you think this will work?”
Oldie: “I’m betting we’ll have exhausted our pony soup supply way before he ever figures it out.”
Mike: “Figures what out?”
Cam: “No one tell him! He couldn’t keep it from Doog.”
Mike: “Keep what from Doog? You guys can trust me. I don’t do everything Doog says. Let me put this Starshine away; we’ll talk about it.” 

Credits
Created by: Ludgonious
Executive Producers: Ralph DuBreuil , legolifty

CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE - Season 8 - Episode 9 - Buccina