There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.
LIU Atlas - Stercus
The Ludgonian Industrial Union's galaxy contains billions of stars and billions of planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.
Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting the Mid-Rim planet, Stercus. Stercus is temperate with a standard atmosphere. The majority of the planet is covered in a large ocean, but it does have four major continents. These continents are inhabited by a sentient species known as the Steb. The Steb have a diverse economy, but I’m told their primary export is something unique. Let’s head down and check it out.”
Doog: “Alright folks, I’ve been dropped off in the coastal city, Sakaka, in the Jawf Province. This is one of the planet’s largest cities, and one of its major exporters. I still don’t know what they export, but I bet it’s something colorful. This place is vibrant.”
Doog: “It appears I’ve been dropped off in some type of market. There’s…”
BEEP
Doog: “…there’s plenty of people…
BEEP BEEP
Doog: “Hey! I’m trying to do a show here!”
BEEP
Doog: “…there’s plenty of people…
BEEP BEEP
Doog: “Hey! I’m trying to do a show here!”
Motorist: “Well, do it out of my way! I’m pinching pennies here.”
Doog: “What does that even mean?”
Motorist: “I’m dropping a dime as we speak! Move it!”
Doog: “I literally have no idea what you’re talking about. Something has clearly been lost in translation.”
Doog: “What does that even mean?”
Motorist: “I’m dropping a dime as we speak! Move it!”
Doog: “I literally have no idea what you’re talking about. Something has clearly been lost in translation.”
Quan: “Mrhbann, Doog. I am Quan, son of Waftka, prince of Jawf Province.”
Doog: “Uh, hey. You seem a little more normal than the last local I met.”
Quan: “Oh, you’ve spoken to my subjects?”
Doog: “Not too much. Just some guy yelling about pinching pennies or something.”
Quan: “Wahaha. That’s funny.”
Doog: “I don’t get it.”
Quan: “Oh, it’s just a saying we have around here. Essentially, it means to never hold-up a man that’s tardy for a job.”
Doog: “I’m still lost. Perhaps it’s a language or culture thing.”
Quan: “Well, friend. Let’s get you up to speed.”
Doog: “Uh, hey. You seem a little more normal than the last local I met.”
Quan: “Oh, you’ve spoken to my subjects?”
Doog: “Not too much. Just some guy yelling about pinching pennies or something.”
Quan: “Wahaha. That’s funny.”
Doog: “I don’t get it.”
Quan: “Oh, it’s just a saying we have around here. Essentially, it means to never hold-up a man that’s tardy for a job.”
Doog: “I’m still lost. Perhaps it’s a language or culture thing.”
Quan: “Well, friend. Let’s get you up to speed.”
Quan: “Sakaka is the jewel of Jawf Province. Everything produced on this continent ends up here to be traded or sold. There are spices from the Nahr-lands. Fruits from the fog deserts. Linens from the coastal villages.”
Doog: “Are any of those things your special export?”
Quan: “No, no. These things are either consumed locally or traded to other provinces. To see our intergalactic export, we’ll need to venture further into the city. Come, join me for a ride.”
Doog: “Are any of those things your special export?”
Quan: “No, no. These things are either consumed locally or traded to other provinces. To see our intergalactic export, we’ll need to venture further into the city. Come, join me for a ride.”
Quan: “Much of this planet is changing, especially in the large cities, like Sakaka. I fear the old ways will be lost soon.”
Doog: “What do you mean?”
Quan: “The arrival of off-worlders has permanently altered our culture. Gone are the days of spirituality, art, and workmanship. The era of consumerism is upon us.”
Doog: “What do you mean?”
Quan: “The arrival of off-worlders has permanently altered our culture. Gone are the days of spirituality, art, and workmanship. The era of consumerism is upon us.”
Quan: “The off-worlders brought new economic opportunities to Stercus, but they also brought new things to spend it on – motor vehicles, fuel, electronics, and various gadgets. Many of my subjects now relegate their time to these new material possessions instead of the old things.”
Doog: “You hate to see a culture disappear, but have you seen the new LIUpad! You can watch adult programming – I mean – educational programs in Mega-Ultra HD.”
Quan: “I see you have been bitten by the consumerism bug yourself.”
Doog: “Hey, porn is art. Kind of. Sort of.”
Doog: “You hate to see a culture disappear, but have you seen the new LIUpad! You can watch adult programming – I mean – educational programs in Mega-Ultra HD.”
Quan: “I see you have been bitten by the consumerism bug yourself.”
Doog: “Hey, porn is art. Kind of. Sort of.”
Doog: “Joking aside, some of these new goods must have been beneficial.”
Quan: “Yes. Of course. Quicker communications have increased trade and cooperation between provinces. Food production has doubled, meaning my subjects no longer go without food in the dry seasons. Surely there are other benefits, but I can’t think of any off the top of my head.”
Doog: “I bet this guy lugging around my fat-self would kill for a combustion engine.”
Quan: “Perhaps.”
Quan: “Yes. Of course. Quicker communications have increased trade and cooperation between provinces. Food production has doubled, meaning my subjects no longer go without food in the dry seasons. Surely there are other benefits, but I can’t think of any off the top of my head.”
Doog: “I bet this guy lugging around my fat-self would kill for a combustion engine.”
Quan: “Perhaps.”
Quan: “We’ve arrived in a residential district.”
Doog: “Your surprise export is in a residential area? What are you selling? People?”
Quan: “No, but my people produce this export.”
Doog: “Your surprise export is in a residential area? What are you selling? People?”
Quan: “No, but my people produce this export.”
Doog: “This looks like a public bathroom. Why did we stop here?”
Quan: “You wanted to see our export, right?”
Doog: “You export bathrooms? Did you invent a better toilet or something?”
Quan: “Read the sign.”
Doog: “Wait…you export poop?!”
Quan: “Guano actually. The diet of my race makes our waste very mineral rich. It’s a big source of phosphorous, phosphorite, and potassium.”
Doog: “So, the LIU pays you to poop to collect these minerals.”
Quan: “Yes. They installed these fancy collection bathrooms in high populations areas. Want to see inside?”
Doog: “Not particularly, but I guess I have to.”
Quan: “You wanted to see our export, right?”
Doog: “You export bathrooms? Did you invent a better toilet or something?”
Quan: “Read the sign.”
Doog: “Wait…you export poop?!”
Quan: “Guano actually. The diet of my race makes our waste very mineral rich. It’s a big source of phosphorous, phosphorite, and potassium.”
Doog: “So, the LIU pays you to poop to collect these minerals.”
Quan: “Yes. They installed these fancy collection bathrooms in high populations areas. Want to see inside?”
Doog: “Not particularly, but I guess I have to.”
Doog: “It just dawned on me what ‘pinching pennies’ means. The man I was holding up was about to crap his pants.”
Quan: “Haha. Yes. On Stercus, it’s more than just an embarrassing affair, it’s a costly one as well.”
Doog: “I see that now. So, how does this work?”
Quan: “You scan your citizen ID chip, you get assigned a latrine, and you do your business. You get paid by volume.”
Doog: “How much are we talking?’
Quan: “A few credits per movement, typically.”
Doog: “Whoa! Count me in!”
Quan: “I’m not sure if that rate applies to humans, Doog.”
Quan: “Haha. Yes. On Stercus, it’s more than just an embarrassing affair, it’s a costly one as well.”
Doog: “I see that now. So, how does this work?”
Quan: “You scan your citizen ID chip, you get assigned a latrine, and you do your business. You get paid by volume.”
Doog: “How much are we talking?’
Quan: “A few credits per movement, typically.”
Doog: “Whoa! Count me in!”
Quan: “I’m not sure if that rate applies to humans, Doog.”
Guy: “I don’t care what you do, but get out of my way! I think I have some liquidity in my assets! I’m about five seconds from making in rain credits in here, if you catch my drift. Like, I’m in the ‘my wife’s not getting that new LIUpad if just one button on my pants gives me a hard time’ kind of hurry!”
Doog: “I’m having seconds thoughts. I thought there would be a little more privacy in here. I don’t want to make eye contact when I’m doing my business.”
Guy: “Speaking of privacy, can’t a guy do an honest day’s work without being filmed? Geez, some people have no work ethic.”
Guy: “Speaking of privacy, can’t a guy do an honest day’s work without being filmed? Geez, some people have no work ethic.”
Guy: “Oh boy! Here she comes. Wifey’s getting a new fur coat! Oh yeah, that’s a twelve-credit deuce for sure. Wait, there’s more! Looks like the paychecks getting a little bonus. Forget that coat, we might be getting a yacht!”
Doog: “Ok, this is a bit much. I think I’m getting out of here.”
Quan: “Well, it was good to meet you Doog, but I’m staying. I have a little royal business to conduct myself.”
Quan: “Well, it was good to meet you Doog, but I’m staying. I have a little royal business to conduct myself.”
Doog: “Well folks, that’s Stercus. We officially visited a planet where a race of people get paid to poop. Can you imagine the paydays after taco night? If I was born here, I could have been a millionaire. Oh well, see ya!
Note:
Note:
Worker: “Get a geology degree, they said. Get into the mining industry, they said. Stupid guidance counsellors!”
