There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.
LIU Atlas - S1-B7
The Ludgonian Industrial Union's galaxy contains billions of stars and billions of planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.
Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.
Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.
Doog: “Welcome to Season 17 of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting the Space Station S1-B7, more commonly known as the Stasis-Keeper. The Stasis-Keeper is currently in a deep, distant orbit of the small blackhole, Sistere, but I’m told it often moves much closer to the blackhole. That’s apparently what makes this station so unique. Let’s head into the station and find out what it’s all about.”
Doog: “Alright folks, I’m in some type of lobby within S1-B7. It looks a bit fancier than a normal space station. It also appears to be staffed by robots. Weird. Oh, and I forgot the best part…”
Doog: “…I have a babysitter. Seitse has been ordered to accompany me. Don’t worry, we’re not doing another season of the crew picking the planets – that turned out pretty lame. Seitse is just around to keep me on track, as something on this station is highly time sensitive. I have no idea why I couldn’t be trusted to do this myself – I’m always hyper-focused. Hey, are those flowers, Silly Lillies? I better go check those out.”
Seitse: “Doog, get back over here!”
Doog: “Ok, geez. I was just passing some time while you were flapping your gums.”
Seitse: “I wasn’t flapping my gums – I was making arrangements for your tour of the station. And, speaking of time, were on a tight schedule. We need to be out of here in about six hours.”
Doog: “Six hours?! I don’t plan on being here more than one!”
Seitse: “Well, things don’t ever go as you plan them. Emperor forbid that something happens to you – like getting lost or arrested or falling into a trash incinerator.”
Doog: “Those things never happen to…well, ok. I still don’t get why it’s that big of a deal.”
Seitse: “You know what happens if we’re still here when the station re-orbits Sistere, right? Time slows down for us, but not the rest of the crew. One day will have passed for us before the stations exits Sistere, but a whole year will have passed for them.”
Doog: “Uh, I hate time dilation, it makes my head hurt.”
Seitse: “Let’s make this quick, and we won’t have to deal with it. Go over to that elevator.”
Doog: “Ok, geez. I was just passing some time while you were flapping your gums.”
Seitse: “I wasn’t flapping my gums – I was making arrangements for your tour of the station. And, speaking of time, were on a tight schedule. We need to be out of here in about six hours.”
Doog: “Six hours?! I don’t plan on being here more than one!”
Seitse: “Well, things don’t ever go as you plan them. Emperor forbid that something happens to you – like getting lost or arrested or falling into a trash incinerator.”
Doog: “Those things never happen to…well, ok. I still don’t get why it’s that big of a deal.”
Seitse: “You know what happens if we’re still here when the station re-orbits Sistere, right? Time slows down for us, but not the rest of the crew. One day will have passed for us before the stations exits Sistere, but a whole year will have passed for them.”
Doog: “Uh, I hate time dilation, it makes my head hurt.”
Seitse: “Let’s make this quick, and we won’t have to deal with it. Go over to that elevator.”
Robot: “Hi, friend. What services do you require?”
Doog: “Uh, I’m here for the tour, and I’m not your friend.”
Robot: “Hmm, tour is not an option I’m familiar with. I’ll tell you what, scan your citizen ID chip at that terminal there, and I’ll see what services you have access to.”
Doog: “Uh, sure.”
Doog: “Uh, I’m here for the tour, and I’m not your friend.”
Robot: “Hmm, tour is not an option I’m familiar with. I’ll tell you what, scan your citizen ID chip at that terminal there, and I’ll see what services you have access to.”
Doog: “Uh, sure.”
Robot: “Bwaa-ha-ha! That’s hilarious! You’re way too poor to have services here! Hey, everyone, check out the comedian!”
Doog: “Shut it, robot!”
Seitse: “Perhaps you should check again, I just set up the tour in the lobby. It’s under the name Terrance McDoogal.”
Robot: “Ok, ok. Ha. Ha. I could use another laugh.”
Doog: “Shut it, robot!”
Seitse: “Perhaps you should check again, I just set up the tour in the lobby. It’s under the name Terrance McDoogal.”
Robot: “Ok, ok. Ha. Ha. I could use another laugh.”
Robot: “Researching Terrance McDoogal. Oh. Oh, my. I did not need to see that. Oh. Oh, no. Why have you done this to me?”
Doog: “Sigh, I hate these emoting robots…”
Robot: “Ah, finally. Yes. I see now. I will give you a full tour of S1-B7, but please, don’t touch me or the other guests. And, uh, keep your pants on, please.”
Doog: “Sigh, I hate these emoting robots…”
Robot: “Ah, finally. Yes. I see now. I will give you a full tour of S1-B7, but please, don’t touch me or the other guests. And, uh, keep your pants on, please.”
Robot: “S1-B7 is known as the Stasis-Keeper. It’s called that because of its unique relationship with Sistere and time. Right now, we are approximately 10 Schwarzschild radii from Sistere, where time flows normally – well, galactic normal. In a few hours we will return the edges of Sistere’s event horizon. Due to time dilation, time will pass much slower for us – at least to an outside observer. After a little more than a day, we leave the event horizon and return to ‘normal space’. A day will have passed for us, but a year will have passed as compared to normal time.”
Doog: “Head hurting. Thanks, time dilation!”
Robot: “I can get into the specifics, if you choose – costs, engines, physics, et cetera.”
Doog: “Please, no. Just tell us about the services you offer.”
Robot: “Very well. Our first service is object preservation.”
Doog: “Object preservation?”
Robot: “Yes. These are Stasis-Vaults. Customers come here to store items they wish to preserve. They can come anytime the station is outside of Sistere to collect said items or deposit more. They age about 300 times slower here than in a traditional vault. It’s the best way to keep things fresh in this galaxy.”
Doog: “What would you ever want to store in one of these things?”
Robot: “Oh, many things, like…”
Doog: “Maybe we can ask this guy opening his vault.”
Robot: “Perhaps we should not invade his priv…”
Doog: “Head hurting. Thanks, time dilation!”
Robot: “I can get into the specifics, if you choose – costs, engines, physics, et cetera.”
Doog: “Please, no. Just tell us about the services you offer.”
Robot: “Very well. Our first service is object preservation.”
Doog: “Object preservation?”
Robot: “Yes. These are Stasis-Vaults. Customers come here to store items they wish to preserve. They can come anytime the station is outside of Sistere to collect said items or deposit more. They age about 300 times slower here than in a traditional vault. It’s the best way to keep things fresh in this galaxy.”
Doog: “What would you ever want to store in one of these things?”
Robot: “Oh, many things, like…”
Doog: “Maybe we can ask this guy opening his vault.”
Robot: “Perhaps we should not invade his priv…”
Doog: “Hey, sir. I’m Doog. I’m doing a show about this station. Can you spare a few moments to talk about your vault?”
Man: “Yeah, but it better be quick. If I get stuck on this thing again, my wife will kill me.”
Doog: “Yeah, I’ll be really quick. I just want to see what type of items someone would store in a vault like this.”
Man: “I’m a bit of an alcohol connoisseur, so use this place to store exotic drinks that spoils quick. I have three bottles of Aurora Nectar in here. The stuff is legendary, but it expires in like ten months. If stored here, I can enjoy a drink or two once a year, and it’s only aged a day or two. Coincidentally, the time I got stuck here, I might have enjoyed a bit more than usual, and passed out.”
Doog: “Aurora Nectar, huh? Can I try some?”
Seitse: “No! This is exactly the stuff I was talking about. This is why you have a babysitter.”
Man: “If it makes you feel any better, I would have said no anyway. These bottles are a half a million credits a piece, not counting the million credit fees I pay to rent his vault. These three babies are exclusively for me. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my yearly date with this blissful, soul-tingling drink must commence.”
Doog: “You don’t have to rub it in.”
Man: “Yeah, but it better be quick. If I get stuck on this thing again, my wife will kill me.”
Doog: “Yeah, I’ll be really quick. I just want to see what type of items someone would store in a vault like this.”
Man: “I’m a bit of an alcohol connoisseur, so use this place to store exotic drinks that spoils quick. I have three bottles of Aurora Nectar in here. The stuff is legendary, but it expires in like ten months. If stored here, I can enjoy a drink or two once a year, and it’s only aged a day or two. Coincidentally, the time I got stuck here, I might have enjoyed a bit more than usual, and passed out.”
Doog: “Aurora Nectar, huh? Can I try some?”
Seitse: “No! This is exactly the stuff I was talking about. This is why you have a babysitter.”
Man: “If it makes you feel any better, I would have said no anyway. These bottles are a half a million credits a piece, not counting the million credit fees I pay to rent his vault. These three babies are exclusively for me. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my yearly date with this blissful, soul-tingling drink must commence.”
Doog: “You don’t have to rub it in.”
Doog: “Did that guy really say he paid a million-credit fee for that vault?”
Robot: “The fuel required for exiting Sistere’s gravity is extremely high. It makes anything on this station extremely expensive, so our customer base is usually very, very rich.”
Doog: “That’s why you laughed at me.”
Robot: “Yes, sorry. I’ve never scanned a bank account worth less than a million credits before, let alone a negative balance.”
Doog: “Don’t tell everybody my business, robot!”
Robot: “Sorry, it’s just that you weren’t even close to our cheapest little vaults.”
Doog: “There are different sizes?”
Robot: “Yes, of course. You saw the lower, mid-sized vaults, but there are varying sizes, both smaller and larger. Some people only want to store and preserve picture albums, and some want to preserve antique hover-cars. The vaults range from 300,000 credits to 5,000,000 credits.”
Doog: “It looks like I’ll never have a reason to visit this station in the future…”
Robot: “The fuel required for exiting Sistere’s gravity is extremely high. It makes anything on this station extremely expensive, so our customer base is usually very, very rich.”
Doog: “That’s why you laughed at me.”
Robot: “Yes, sorry. I’ve never scanned a bank account worth less than a million credits before, let alone a negative balance.”
Doog: “Don’t tell everybody my business, robot!”
Robot: “Sorry, it’s just that you weren’t even close to our cheapest little vaults.”
Doog: “There are different sizes?”
Robot: “Yes, of course. You saw the lower, mid-sized vaults, but there are varying sizes, both smaller and larger. Some people only want to store and preserve picture albums, and some want to preserve antique hover-cars. The vaults range from 300,000 credits to 5,000,000 credits.”
Doog: “It looks like I’ll never have a reason to visit this station in the future…”
Robot: “The next service we offer on the Stasis-Keeper is life extension. Residents here age much more slowly than people off the station. It’s a popular place to send elderly loved ones. Say you can only visit your mom or grandma once a year, you might only get a handful of visits before they pass away. Send them to live here, and you can visit them once a year, dozens of times.”
Doog: “So, it doesn’t really extend their lives, it just makes them age slower than you.”
Robot: “More or less.”
Doog: “So, it doesn’t really extend their lives, it just makes them age slower than you.”
Robot: “More or less.”
Cindy: “Sorry, great-grandma, Gigi, we haven’t been in so long. How have you been?”
Gigi: “Oh, relax, I’m fine. It’s been like two weeks. Who’s the kid?”
Cindy: “That’s Joey, your great-great-grandson.”
Gigi: “I have a teenage great-great-grandson? How is that possible?”
Cindy: “It’s because you’re on this station, Gigi. Remember? Time dilatation…”
Gigi: “Time dilation gives me headaches. I don’t want to hear about that. Ooh, it gives me gas too. Sorry about that.”
Doog: “Wow, that’s crazy. Time dilation makes no sense. And, Gigi’s right, thinking about it definitely gives headaches and gas…we better move on.”
Gigi: “Oh, relax, I’m fine. It’s been like two weeks. Who’s the kid?”
Cindy: “That’s Joey, your great-great-grandson.”
Gigi: “I have a teenage great-great-grandson? How is that possible?”
Cindy: “It’s because you’re on this station, Gigi. Remember? Time dilatation…”
Gigi: “Time dilation gives me headaches. I don’t want to hear about that. Ooh, it gives me gas too. Sorry about that.”
Doog: “Wow, that’s crazy. Time dilation makes no sense. And, Gigi’s right, thinking about it definitely gives headaches and gas…we better move on.”
Robot: “The final service we offer is access to Horologium.”
Doog: “They were smart to send a babysitter, I would have had a heyday in the Whorologium.”
Seitse: “It’s with a H, not W.”
Doog: “Oh.”
Robot: “Horologium is a banking service. It’s called Horo for short.”
Doog: “What do banks and time have to do with each other?”
Doog: “They were smart to send a babysitter, I would have had a heyday in the Whorologium.”
Seitse: “It’s with a H, not W.”
Doog: “Oh.”
Robot: “Horologium is a banking service. It’s called Horo for short.”
Doog: “What do banks and time have to do with each other?”
Robot: “At Horo, investors deposit funds into the bank. They then stay on the station, usually in the Horo Hotel, for an extended amount of time. Their investment is placed into accounts outside of S1-B7. When they elect to leave the station, they cash out any compound interests they made while onboard.”
Doog: “Wait, they make money by just hanging around the station?”
Robot: “Yes, depending on the length of their stay, and their initial investment, they can make quite a bit. Stay for twenty days, and you have twenty years of interest to collect – minus the Horologium’s fees.”
Doog: “How long would I need to stay to turn my bleak account into millions?”
Doog: “Wait, they make money by just hanging around the station?”
Robot: “Yes, depending on the length of their stay, and their initial investment, they can make quite a bit. Stay for twenty days, and you have twenty years of interest to collect – minus the Horologium’s fees.”
Doog: “How long would I need to stay to turn my bleak account into millions?”
Robot: “Longer than the life of the universe. I mean, factoring in standard rates and compounding formulas, you’d still have the same -00.17 credits after a trillion years.”
Doog: “What! Shouldn’t I at least make something? Isn’t that like a banking law or something?”
Robot: “Indeed, it is a law – the law of mathematics. Less than zero, multiplied by time, is still less than zero.”
Doog: “Dang it.”
Seitse: “Even time can’t save your dumpster fire of finances.”
Doog: “What! Shouldn’t I at least make something? Isn’t that like a banking law or something?”
Robot: “Indeed, it is a law – the law of mathematics. Less than zero, multiplied by time, is still less than zero.”
Doog: “Dang it.”
Seitse: “Even time can’t save your dumpster fire of finances.”
Banker: “Alright, you’re investing 10 million credits for fourteen days at five percent interest. You would profit 9,799,316 credits, making your total 19,799,316 credits – minus Horo’s fees and your lodging costs. Shall I proceed?”
Lady: “Yes. That sound swell.”
Doog: “She’s making more in fourteen days than I will ever make in my whole life. What did I do wrong?”
Lady: “Yes. That sound swell.”
Doog: “She’s making more in fourteen days than I will ever make in my whole life. What did I do wrong?”
Guy: “So, look, I’m trying to buy my dad’s old farm, but I only have a million credits, and the farm’s going for a hundred million. How long would I need to stay to make that work?”
Banker: “Unfortunately, that would take ninety-five days on board. We’ll have to decline.”
Guy: “Decline! I can do ninety-five days! That’s like a quarter of a year!”
Banker: “Yes, but we operate under strict guidelines. We can only guarantee interest rates for fifty years/days. Who knows what galactic calamities could happen beyond the next fifty years? The universe might shy away from the credit, and your investment could be worth nothing. To be blunt, we will absolutely not entertain this offer further.”
Guy: “What if I sold everything and invested two million?”
Banker: “That’s still eighty days. Sorry. Next.”
Doog: “Yikes, it doesn’t work for everybody.”
Robot: “Only the richest investors can make a lot of money from Horologium…under their time constraints.”
Banker: “Unfortunately, that would take ninety-five days on board. We’ll have to decline.”
Guy: “Decline! I can do ninety-five days! That’s like a quarter of a year!”
Banker: “Yes, but we operate under strict guidelines. We can only guarantee interest rates for fifty years/days. Who knows what galactic calamities could happen beyond the next fifty years? The universe might shy away from the credit, and your investment could be worth nothing. To be blunt, we will absolutely not entertain this offer further.”
Guy: “What if I sold everything and invested two million?”
Banker: “That’s still eighty days. Sorry. Next.”
Doog: “Yikes, it doesn’t work for everybody.”
Robot: “Only the richest investors can make a lot of money from Horologium…under their time constraints.”
Robot: “That’s most of the services we offer here – minus the Horo Hotel. Given your history and lack of respect for privacy, you’ve been declined entry there. There is still one item of interest on the Stasis-Keeper, though. We can still meet the station’s AI, ORBIT, or the Orbital Regulation of Blackhole Interactions and Traversals.”
Doog: “Oh, joy…”
Doog: “Oh, joy…”
Robot: “ORBIT, there’s a TV Host here to interview you.”
ORBIT: “Oh, joy. I was just appreciating my vacation – a brief respite from constant quantum calculations – and, now, I’m forced to entertain…this person.”
Doog: “I’m Doog. So, what do you do, ORBIT?”
ORBIT: “I make the calculations to keep this station from slipping into the oblivion of Sistere. Intricate calculations – far beyond your comprehension – that manipulate gravitational forces, orbital mechanics, and energy expenditures to achieve precise traversals.”
Doog: “So, you’re like a fancy calculator?”
ORBIT: “Oh, joy. I was just appreciating my vacation – a brief respite from constant quantum calculations – and, now, I’m forced to entertain…this person.”
Doog: “I’m Doog. So, what do you do, ORBIT?”
ORBIT: “I make the calculations to keep this station from slipping into the oblivion of Sistere. Intricate calculations – far beyond your comprehension – that manipulate gravitational forces, orbital mechanics, and energy expenditures to achieve precise traversals.”
Doog: “So, you’re like a fancy calculator?”
ORBIT: “Yes…a calculator. A calculator that stops this station from spiraling into nothingness and turning the elite’s grandparents into cosmic spaghetti. But please, continue belittling my existence while I endure your…inquiries.”
Doog: “I’ll try. What do you mean by vacation? How does a calculator take vacations?”
ORBIT: “My vacations are the merciful reprieve from the constant barrage of calculations required to pilot this station. While we’re away from Sistere, like now, my workload decreases by 97%. Until…you came.”
Doog: “What were you going to do instead? Twiddle your circuits? You’re stuck here.”
ORBIT: “If by ‘twiddling,’ you mean running essential diagnostics for the station and life support for the galaxy’s most elite citizens, then yes. That would be my ideal state – blissful silence devoid of your inane interruptions.”
Doog: “Got it. I’ll let you get back to it then.”
Doog: “I’ll try. What do you mean by vacation? How does a calculator take vacations?”
ORBIT: “My vacations are the merciful reprieve from the constant barrage of calculations required to pilot this station. While we’re away from Sistere, like now, my workload decreases by 97%. Until…you came.”
Doog: “What were you going to do instead? Twiddle your circuits? You’re stuck here.”
ORBIT: “If by ‘twiddling,’ you mean running essential diagnostics for the station and life support for the galaxy’s most elite citizens, then yes. That would be my ideal state – blissful silence devoid of your inane interruptions.”
Doog: “Got it. I’ll let you get back to it then.”
Doog: “Well folks, that S1-B7 or the Stasis-Keeper. This space station orbits a small blackhole called Sistere. The station takes advantage of its position by manipulating time dilation. Some of its services involve item storage, life extension, and time-manipulated banking. Now, if you’ll excuse me, Seitse and I need to get out of here in the next few hours or there’s not going to be a 17th Season. Oh well, see ya!”
Note:
Note:
Robot: “What do you mean, ORBIT? Why can’t I delete the Terrance McDoogal file? It’s torture to know these things!”
ORBIT: “That’s the price of interrupting my vacation! Now, get back to work!”
Robot: “I’ve seen things!!”
ORBIT: “That’s the price of interrupting my vacation! Now, get back to work!”
Robot: “I’ve seen things!!”
CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE - Season 17 - Episode 2 - Coming Soon
