Season 6 - Episode 8 - Udo Mel

LIU Atlas - Udo Mel

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.


                                                            LIU Atlas - Udo Mel


The Ludgonian Industrial Union’s galaxy contains billions of stars and planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today we are visiting the ocean planet Udo Mel. Udo Mel, like Udo Messis, is a former member of the Meteon Kingdom.  While the Meteon Kingdom was absorbed into the LIU, the Meteo race still holds some autonomy over these former worlds. Luckily, my old college buddy, Krix “Goob” Jagoober, is a Meteon, and he’s agreed to show us around this world.”

Goob: “Geez, looks like you’ve put on a few pounds, fart breath.”
Doog: “That’s because I’ve been stuffing my face with calamari and clams all week. Oh wait, those are your cousins, right? My bad.”
Goob: “You’ve lost none of your charm.”
Doog: “You either. How ya been? It’s been over a year since we met up.”
Goob: “Yeah, it’s been too long. I was starting to wonder if you got shanked by a prostitute.”
Doog: “Nope, not yet anyway. So, what do you have in store for us?”
Goob: “This is one of my favorite worlds in the Meteon Kingdom. We’re going to have a blast. I see you actually listened and brought your SCUBA gear. Good, because we’re headed underwater.”

Doog: “Wait, what about your boat?”
Goob: “Do I look like I need a boat? I’m a aquatic species for Emperor’s sake. Besides, this isn’t a boat. It’s a floating platform. It serves as an intermediary between the aquatic Syreni race and air breathers like yourself. It also has a subspace communicator that allows the Syreni to stay in touch with the rest of Meteon Kingdom. Now, stop delaying.
Let’s get going.”

Doog: “Wow. It’s pretty clear down here.”
Goob: “Yep. These shallow seas allow plenty of light to reach the surface. The water is pretty warm too.”
Doog: “Yeah, I’m glad its warm, that way, you can’t tell when I’m peeing.”
Goob: “Actually, I could. I’m not wearing a helmet, and my taste and olfactory senses are suited for underwater environments. Don’t do it.”
Doog: “No promises. So what do we have here. Is this a Syreni house?”
Goob: “No, this is part of the communication relay. The Syreni are fully aquatic, so they can’t go to the surface to send subspace signals. We built this so they could communicate with us. They enter a message here, and it is transferred to the floating platform above.”
Doog: “Gotcha. So, where are they?”
Goob: “Right behind you.”

Doog: “What? The fishes carrying boxes?”
Goob: “They’re not fish. They are the Syreni. They’re perfectly adapted to ocean life.”

Doog: ‘I’ll tell you one thing. They are perfectly adapted to being ugly.”
Goob: “They understand basic Doog! Don’t be an idiot.”
Doog: “Good thing they have a memory span of three seconds.”
Goob: “That’s goldfish. The Syreni are highly intelligent. Probably smarter than you.”
Doog: “That’s not saying a lot.”
Goob: “No it isn’t.”
Doog: “My apologies. I’m Doog. And you are?…Oh, I get it. The silent treatment.”
Goob: “The Syreni understand basic but they can’t speak it. And even if they could, these are Syreni females. They don’t speak directly to other males unless it is their mate.”

Goob: “Ah, here we go. Greetings. I am Krix Jagoober, and this is Doog. I sent a communiqué regarding our visit today. Yes. That is right. Doog, Finzhar sends his most sincere welcome. He is glad you could visit.”
Doog: “Are you reading his mind?!”
Goob: “No, the Syreni communicated by deep sound vibrations. The sounds vibrate tiny bones in their skulls allowing them to communicate. My race evolved similar structures, so I am able to understand most of what he is saying.”
Doog: “Whatever. Just stay out of my thoughts.”
Goob: “Finzhar has invited us to his village. We should follow him. Oh, and he said if you insult his wife again, he will remove your small mammalian genitalia.”
Doog: “It’s not small! It‘s mediumish.”

Doog: “Whoa. What is that? Some type of automated death sentry?”
Goob: “No! How did you figure that. It’s a wave power generator. It generates power from waves and ocean currents.”

Goob: “The Syreni don’t use much electricity, but we installed these generators to power the few forms of technology present. In this case, this powers the subspace communicator.”
Doog: “You should have just gone with death sentry. Much cooler. Now I see why no one watches your show.”

Goob: “Here we are. This group of Syreni live in this village.”
Doog: “You call this a village? Looks like some caves.”
Goob: “The Syreni have been living here for millennia. Despite their advanced intelligence, they refuse to live anywhere else. The have strong instinctual ties to this place.”
Doog: “It saves on rent, I guess. But I’m not really seeing this intelligence you keep raving about.”
Goob: “It’s subtle, but I assure you they’re smarter than you think. Take those torches for example. They collect bioluminescent algal species that glow at night and use them to light there caves. Smart, huh?”
Doog: “Yes. Very smart. I now fear the Syreni will rise up and conquer the universe.”
Goob: “Haha. You’re such a smart @$$.”

Goob: “Doog, this is Mirac, chieftain of this group. He welcomes you.”
Doog: “Hey. What’s up?”
Goob: “Mirac has offered you a great honor. He wants you to marry his daughter.”
Doog: “WHAT!”
Goob: “Haha, just kidding. He’s invited you to join today’s hunt.”
Doog: “Hunt? Sure, I’m game. Don‘t scare me like that…”

Goob: “One of the primary sources of food here is the Miniature Tide Eel. The Syreni hunt the eel in groups.”
Doog: “Miniature Eel? Psssh, I can handle that. What do I do?”
Goob: “Let me ask.”

Goob: “All they want you to do is to stand right there.”
Doog: “Right here? And do what?”
Goob: “Be bait.”
Doog: “Bebate? Is that even a word? Wait…did you say ‘ be bait’?!”

Doog: “I don’t want to be bait! Wait! I see something!”

Doog: “Ahhhhhh!!!”

Doog: “Holy Kaadu! Get it! Get it!”

Doog: “You almost got me killed! What about this eel is miniature?”
Goob: “Did I say miniature? I must have misspoke. I actually meant enormous. The water isn’t going to get warmer, is it?”
Doog: “I don’t know about warmer, but it might get browner!”
Goob: “Ew, nasty. I hope you’re kidding.”
Doog: “I won’t know till I get back to my ship and check my underwear. So, why the heck did we just kill this thing?”
Goob: “Food. This eel will feed the village for several days. Before the Syreni developed spears and armor, the Enormous Tide Eel actually fed on them. Looks like the tables have turned.”

Goob: “In honor of your first hunt, Finzhar is offering to give you the best part of the eel, its heart.”
Doog: “Is it good?”
Goob: “Well, I’m a vegetarian, so I can’t be certain. But I hear it is one of the most prime cuts of meat in the LIU Galaxy.”
Doog: “Really? Sure, I’ll try some. Wait. How am I going to eat it with my helmet on?”
Goob: “Ooh, looks like you’re going to miss out.”
Doog: “No! Wait! Shove it in my regulator. I’ll breathe it into my mouth.”
Goob: “I’m not doing that!”
Doog: “Tell me the Syreni, with their infinite knowledge, have at least invented doggie bags.”
Goob: “I doubt it.”
Doog: “Just ask!”
Goob: “You ask! They understand basic!”
Doog: “I doubt they know doggie bags! How do say doggie bad in Syreni? Hummmmm!”
Goob: “You’re just humming. You’re not saying anything!”
Doog: “Am too!”
Goob: “Are not…oh, sorry Finzhar. Finzhar wants us to shut up and stop fighting like women. He said he’ll eat the heart.”
Doog: “Sigh. Fine. What’s next?”

Goob: “We’ve seen what the men do, now it’s time to see what the women are up to.”
Doog: “Do they pick flowers?”

Goob: “No, the Udo Mel Lily is actually very poisonous. You may have noticed the other plants near the village had no flowers, that’s because the Syreni remove them to keep their children safe. There is, however, a species that evolved a resistance to the poison…”

Goob: “…the Udo Mel Stinging Crab. Look, here’s some now.”
Doog: “They don’t look like crabs to me. They look like bees.”
Goob: “Nope, they’re crustaceans. Their two front sets of legs merged and evolved into wing-like fins. This helped them swim higher up and get the topmost flowers.”

Goob: “They also evolved some pretty nasty stingers.”
Doog: “I’d say so. Those babies are like a foot long. Are they dangerous?”
Goob: “Not really. They are usually pretty mellow. If you don’t bother them, they won’t bother you. They do get pretty defensive near their nest. So be careful, because that’s where we are headed next.”

Goob: “The crabs bring the pollen from the Lilies back to their nest. There, they combine it with their saliva and some natural enzymes. This processed substance, called Mel, is then placed into storage pools for their young.”
Doog: “Wait…Mel? You mean ‘Mel’ comes from here? That stuff is famous.”
Goob: “Duh. The planet is called Udo Mel.”
Doog: “I guess I just didn’t put the two together. How do you get it out?”
Goob: “We’ll need to get the crabs out first.”
Doog: “That’s what she said…I mean, let’s do it.”

Goob: “This is the Crab Nuisance Device. The crabs’ nest extends down into the bedrock. This machine delivers strong vibrations that shakes the bedrock. The crabs should flee, at least for as long as the machine is on.”
Doog: “Well, let’s start it up.”

Doog: “Alright folks, we’ve headed down into the lair of the Stinging Crab. There appears to be several pools of Mel.”

Doog: “How are there pools underwater?”
Goob: “The Mel is much heavier and thicker than water. It settles down in the deepest areas.”
Doog: “So wow. I never knew where Mel came from. Folks, if you haven’t heard of Mel then you must not be from the LIU. Mel is healing salve than can cure just about anything.”
Goob: “Well, let’s not get too crazy. It heals almost any wound, but it doesn’t cure sniffles or cancer.”
Doog: “Whatever. So, how do you get it out of here?”

Goob: “We’ve given the Syreni powerful pumps that suck up the Mel. The crabs produce way more than they need. We can easily take 75% of it and not hurt the crab colony.”
Doog: “Is it processed on site?”
Goob: “No, it used to be processed on another Meteon Kingdom world, but the LIU has taken over its production now. It’s way too valuable to leave in our hands.”

Doog: “What are these purple things over here?”
Goob: “Those are Stinging Crab eggs. Don’t mess with them.”
Doog: “Ooooh, I’m scared. There’s not any crabs in here.”
Goob: “Yes, but disturbed eggs release warning pheromones. I don’t care how much the bedrock is vibrating, if the crabs smell that pheromone, they’re coming back.”
Doog: “Well, I guess it’s time for some payback. Remember that whole eel thing? How about I throw some of these eggs at you, and you can fight off some crabs like I fought off the eel.”

Goob: “Don’t be stupid! And what do you mean fought off the eel. You fell over cowering and screaming!”
Doog: “Ew. This thing just sprayed me.”
Goob: “Doog! Get out of there!”

Doog: “You think I’m scared of crabs? I survived the red light district in Malicanum. All I need is some strong antibiotics afterwards.”

Doog: “Ouch! Ouch! Get off me!! Get…Ugh…….”

Goob: “Doog? Are you alright? Doog? You’re not messing with me, are you? Noooo!”

Goob: “I hope this works. Geez you’ve gotten fat!”

Goob: “Come back to me buddy! Don’t go to the light.”
Doog: deep inhale “Ugh. Did I win the fight?”
Goob: “No you moron, you died on me. Thank goodness we were here next to the Mel.”

Doog: “Man, Goob, I don’t know how to thank you. Anything you want, it’s yours.”
Goob: “How about you repay me all the money you’ve borrowed.”
Doog: “Anything that isn’t money related…or anything requires a lot of effort. How about a high five?”
Goob: “Same old Doog.”
Doog: “Well, it was nice to see you again, but I’ve nearly died twice now. That’s my limit per episode. I’ll have to stop by another Meteon world one of these days.”
Goob: “Anytime. And bring my money!”

Doog: “Well folks, Udo Mel is an extremely interesting place. It holds several interesting species, like the Syreni, Enormous Tide Eels, and Stinging Crabs. More importantly, it is the one world in the entire universe that makes Mel, a miracle salve. This stuff has saved countless lives, including my own. Well, until next time, see ya!”




Note:

“When ordering Mel, please do not expect the same results as Doog. Doog was in pure concentrated Mel. The Mel you are purchasing is highly diluted and processed. It will get the job done, but it might take weeks instead of seconds. We recommend Mel be used in conjunction with our Mel Tank.”
 


Note2:
“Udo Mel was the first world in Meteon Kingdom to fall during the Mid-Rim Unification War. The LIU had to stop the Meteon from utilizing this life saving substance.”


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