There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.
LIU Atlas - Garum
The Ludgonian Industrial Union's galaxy contains billions of stars and billions of planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.
Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.
Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.
Doog: “Welcome to the season finale of Season 16 of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting the planet, Garum. Garum has shallow, clear oceans, and…”
Mike: “Beautiful white beaches. I picked this place. Hi, I’m Mike the audio-man.”
Doog: “You’re not supposed to talk in the intro, Mike!”
Mike: “Sorry, I’m just excited.”
Doog: “Me too. Beaches and ladies, here we come!”
Mike: “Beautiful white beaches. I picked this place. Hi, I’m Mike the audio-man.”
Doog: “You’re not supposed to talk in the intro, Mike!”
Mike: “Sorry, I’m just excited.”
Doog: “Me too. Beaches and ladies, here we come!”
Doog: “This is not quite what I had in mind.”
Mike: “Maybe we got dropped off on the wrong beach. I see no bikinis, beach balls, or umbrellas.”
Doog: “Me neither. I do see a rusty structure and some type of mining operation.”
Mike: “Do you taste that?”
Doog: “I do. The air is salty.”
Mike: “Weird.”
Doog: “How much research did you do for this episode, Mike?”
Mike: “None, like usual. I just picked Garum from its picture.”
Doog: “What the %$#&, Mike!”
Mike: “What?”
Mike: “Maybe we got dropped off on the wrong beach. I see no bikinis, beach balls, or umbrellas.”
Doog: “Me neither. I do see a rusty structure and some type of mining operation.”
Mike: “Do you taste that?”
Doog: “I do. The air is salty.”
Mike: “Weird.”
Doog: “How much research did you do for this episode, Mike?”
Mike: “None, like usual. I just picked Garum from its picture.”
Doog: “What the %$#&, Mike!”
Mike: “What?”
Doog: “This isn’t white sand, it’s salt! You picked a salt planet!”
Mike: “Aw crap!”
Doog: “How could you do this!?”
Mike: “Sorry! I tried to pick all the vice worlds, like Camana IV, Irrumo, and Meretrix, but Amaya turned them all down.”
Doog: “And you choose this as an alternative?”
Mike: “She only gave me two options – one planet that looked like a lava world and one that looked like white beaches. I picked what I thought was the best.”
Doog: “Dang it. Now what?”
Mike: “We try to make the best out of the situation?”
Mike: “Aw crap!”
Doog: “How could you do this!?”
Mike: “Sorry! I tried to pick all the vice worlds, like Camana IV, Irrumo, and Meretrix, but Amaya turned them all down.”
Doog: “And you choose this as an alternative?”
Mike: “She only gave me two options – one planet that looked like a lava world and one that looked like white beaches. I picked what I thought was the best.”
Doog: “Dang it. Now what?”
Mike: “We try to make the best out of the situation?”
Harlan: “What do we have here? I wasn’t expecting new recruits.”
Doog: “We’re not recruits.”
Harlan: “That’s a shame, we could use a few more bodies. The salt never stops, as we like to say.”
Doog: “So, this is salt.”
Harlan: “Of course. Garum is covered in a shallow, planet-wide, brine ocean. The only landmasses here are salt islands.”
Mike: “Dang it. So, there’s no beaches?”
Harlan: “Salt beaches, if that counts.”
Doog: “Way to go, Mike.”
Mike: “Shut it.”
Doog: “We’re not recruits.”
Harlan: “That’s a shame, we could use a few more bodies. The salt never stops, as we like to say.”
Doog: “So, this is salt.”
Harlan: “Of course. Garum is covered in a shallow, planet-wide, brine ocean. The only landmasses here are salt islands.”
Mike: “Dang it. So, there’s no beaches?”
Harlan: “Salt beaches, if that counts.”
Doog: “Way to go, Mike.”
Mike: “Shut it.”
Harlan: “The salt beaches are our way of life. We mine it straight from the island – it has less water that way. Makes it better for storage, better for shipping. Now, you think it’s just about shovelin’ salt into buckets? Wrong. Salt mining is an art form. Gotta know where to dig – too close to the brine sea, and you’re wasting your time hauling wet slush. Too far inland, and you’re chippin’ at rock-hard crust. It’s all about balance. And, don’t even get me started on the tides.”
Doog: “No one got you started on anything. You just started on your own.”
Harlan: “This island ain’t just a chunk of salt; it’s alive. The sea carves it. Every wave washes in new salt, filling the pits we emptied the day before. You gotta respect that cycle. Take too much, and you ruin the next day’s haul. Take too little, and we’re standing on a pile of salt. It’s a dance, see?”
Doog: “I literally never asked you anything about this.”
Doog: “No one got you started on anything. You just started on your own.”
Harlan: “This island ain’t just a chunk of salt; it’s alive. The sea carves it. Every wave washes in new salt, filling the pits we emptied the day before. You gotta respect that cycle. Take too much, and you ruin the next day’s haul. Take too little, and we’re standing on a pile of salt. It’s a dance, see?”
Doog: “I literally never asked you anything about this.”
Harlan: “That salt here will clump up on ya if you don’t dry it out first. That’s why we store it in the heated room first. We have no time for that nonsense. I’ve seen fools think they can outsmart the sea – cut corners, skip steps. Ain’t long before they’re up to their knees in salt swells.”
Doog: “Please end your diatribe about salt mining. Please.”
Harlan: “Sorry, salt is all I know.”
Doog: “At the risk of unleashing another tirade, are there any salt beaches where we might find chicks in bikinis?”
Harlan: “Ha! I’m not sure if you’ll find a single bikini on Garum, but if you do, it’ll be on Robigo. It’s the only thing resembling civilization on Garum, and it ain’t far from here. I could probably get a hauler to take ya there.”
Doog: “That would be great.”
Harlan: “I’m on it. Want to come in while you wait?”
Doog: “I’d need fourteen tetanus shots before I’d venture into that rusty death hole.”
Harlan: “It’s not as bad inside where it’s safe from the saltwater.”
Doog: “No thanks.”
Doog: “Please end your diatribe about salt mining. Please.”
Harlan: “Sorry, salt is all I know.”
Doog: “At the risk of unleashing another tirade, are there any salt beaches where we might find chicks in bikinis?”
Harlan: “Ha! I’m not sure if you’ll find a single bikini on Garum, but if you do, it’ll be on Robigo. It’s the only thing resembling civilization on Garum, and it ain’t far from here. I could probably get a hauler to take ya there.”
Doog: “That would be great.”
Harlan: “I’m on it. Want to come in while you wait?”
Doog: “I’d need fourteen tetanus shots before I’d venture into that rusty death hole.”
Harlan: “It’s not as bad inside where it’s safe from the saltwater.”
Doog: “No thanks.”
Doog: “I’ve been waiting all season for you to pick the planet. Imagine how disappointed I am right now.”
Mike: “Hey, I tried! It’s Amaya’s fault. We could have been in massive debt to a dozen hookers if I had my way.”
Doog: “She probably saved us.”
Mike: “As soon as I said it, I realized that.”
Doog: “Let’s not give up hope, though. Robigo might have something.”
Mike: “Hey, I tried! It’s Amaya’s fault. We could have been in massive debt to a dozen hookers if I had my way.”
Doog: “She probably saved us.”
Mike: “As soon as I said it, I realized that.”
Doog: “Let’s not give up hope, though. Robigo might have something.”
Pilot: “Harlan called in a favor, or I’d be hauling a load right now. I ain’t got time for shenanigans, so get in.”
Doog: “Who’s Harlan?”
Pilot: “The ‘Salt Pappy’. The guy waving over there. He’s the longest tenured salt digger on Garum. You’re lucky he has some pull or you’d be walking to Robigo.”
Mike: “Walking? Is the sea that shallow?”
Pilot: “Waist-deep most of the way. You might have had to swim a few gaps.”
Doog: “Thanks Harlan! You’re the best. I’m not calling you, ‘Salt Pappy’, though.”
Doog: “Who’s Harlan?”
Pilot: “The ‘Salt Pappy’. The guy waving over there. He’s the longest tenured salt digger on Garum. You’re lucky he has some pull or you’d be walking to Robigo.”
Mike: “Walking? Is the sea that shallow?”
Pilot: “Waist-deep most of the way. You might have had to swim a few gaps.”
Doog: “Thanks Harlan! You’re the best. I’m not calling you, ‘Salt Pappy’, though.”
Doog: “I’m not giving up hope, but we’ve passed nothing but salt mining islands so far.”
Mike: “Why are the salt rigs all so rusty?”
Doog: “Probably the salt.”
Mike: “Are we eating rusty salt? That could explain a few things.”
Doog: “I’m not sure, but what is that?”
Mike: “What? Oh.”
Mike: “Why are the salt rigs all so rusty?”
Doog: “Probably the salt.”
Mike: “Are we eating rusty salt? That could explain a few things.”
Doog: “I’m not sure, but what is that?”
Mike: “What? Oh.”
Doog: “Hey, pilot guy, what’s that?”
Pilot: “A Grubber Trawler.”
Doog: “What’s that?”
Pilot: “There’s creatures on Garum called Brine Grubbers. The trawlers collect them by dragging nets on the shallow sea floor.”
Doog: “What are Brine Grubbers?”
Pilot: “They’re the planet’s most advanced lifeform, which isn’t saying much. They’re mollusk-like bottom feeders. They eat the salt lovin’ bacteria down there.”
Pilot: “A Grubber Trawler.”
Doog: “What’s that?”
Pilot: “There’s creatures on Garum called Brine Grubbers. The trawlers collect them by dragging nets on the shallow sea floor.”
Doog: “What are Brine Grubbers?”
Pilot: “They’re the planet’s most advanced lifeform, which isn’t saying much. They’re mollusk-like bottom feeders. They eat the salt lovin’ bacteria down there.”
Doog: “Why are they catching them?”
Pilot: “Some are caught to be eaten raw, but that’s not really my thing – to each their own, I guess. The rest are turned into Garum Fish Sauce in Robigo’s processing factories.”
Doog: “Fish sauce?”
Pilot: “Yeah, it’s an acquired taste, to say the least. Imagine the saltiest thing you’ve ever eaten and mix it with fermented fish funk. It’s sharp, pungent, and, honestly, incredibly smelly.”
Doog: “Why would anyone eat that?”
Pilot: “Folks swear by it. It adds an intense umami flavor that makes other stuff pop – if you get past the stink, that is. It’s popular across the galaxy. We export more sauce than we do salt, if that tells you anything.”
Doog: “I think Robigo’s going to be a bust, Mike. It sounds like a factory town.”
Mike: “Even worse, I think I’m starting to smell it.”
Doog: “Ew, me too.”
Pilot: “Some are caught to be eaten raw, but that’s not really my thing – to each their own, I guess. The rest are turned into Garum Fish Sauce in Robigo’s processing factories.”
Doog: “Fish sauce?”
Pilot: “Yeah, it’s an acquired taste, to say the least. Imagine the saltiest thing you’ve ever eaten and mix it with fermented fish funk. It’s sharp, pungent, and, honestly, incredibly smelly.”
Doog: “Why would anyone eat that?”
Pilot: “Folks swear by it. It adds an intense umami flavor that makes other stuff pop – if you get past the stink, that is. It’s popular across the galaxy. We export more sauce than we do salt, if that tells you anything.”
Doog: “I think Robigo’s going to be a bust, Mike. It sounds like a factory town.”
Mike: “Even worse, I think I’m starting to smell it.”
Doog: “Ew, me too.”
Doog: “Uh, it really hits the back of the throat.”
Mike: “How can something smell sour and rotten at the same time. That’s a new one for me.”
Doog: “Everything is rusty here too. Great.”
Mike: “I think I picked the season’s worst planet.”
Mike: “How can something smell sour and rotten at the same time. That’s a new one for me.”
Doog: “Everything is rusty here too. Great.”
Mike: “I think I picked the season’s worst planet.”
Doog: “So, where do we go from here?”
Pilot: “To get into the city from this side of the island, you’ll have pass through either the Salt intake facility to the left or the Grubber intake facility on the right.”
Doog: “Right it is.”
Mike: “You want to get closer to those stink balls?”
Doog: “No, but there is a chick down there. That’s what we came here for.”
Pilot: “To get into the city from this side of the island, you’ll have pass through either the Salt intake facility to the left or the Grubber intake facility on the right.”
Doog: “Right it is.”
Mike: “You want to get closer to those stink balls?”
Doog: “No, but there is a chick down there. That’s what we came here for.”
Maren: “Two off-worlders, huh? I don’t see that on my dock very often.”
Doog: “How do you know we’re off-worlders?”
Maren: “Ha! It’s pretty obvious. You’re the only two on this dock breathing through their mouths and fighting back against the nausea.”
Doog: “Stop making us look bad, Mike!”
Mike: “You’re doing it too!”
Maren: “Ha, ha. Give it time, you’ll adjust – everyone does. So, what can I help you with?”
Doog: “We’re here to tour the planet, specifically Robigo. Can you show us around for a bit?”
Doog: “How do you know we’re off-worlders?”
Maren: “Ha! It’s pretty obvious. You’re the only two on this dock breathing through their mouths and fighting back against the nausea.”
Doog: “Stop making us look bad, Mike!”
Mike: “You’re doing it too!”
Maren: “Ha, ha. Give it time, you’ll adjust – everyone does. So, what can I help you with?”
Doog: “We’re here to tour the planet, specifically Robigo. Can you show us around for a bit?”
Doog: “Where are you going?”
Maren: “To show you the city, of course. You don’t have to ask me twice! Quinten, I’m taking a break. Finish salting the grubbers.”
Quinten: “You got it, boss.”
Maren: “I’m Maren, by the way. And you are?”
Mike: “I’m Mike.”
Doog: “I’m Doog, but you can call me anytime.”
Mike: “That was embarrassing.”
Doog: “Hey, I’m trying.”
Maren: “Ha, I like the line, but it’s not happening. I don’t date off-worlders. Me and my smelly world are a lifetime commitment.”
Mike: “Rejected!”
Maren: “To show you the city, of course. You don’t have to ask me twice! Quinten, I’m taking a break. Finish salting the grubbers.”
Quinten: “You got it, boss.”
Maren: “I’m Maren, by the way. And you are?”
Mike: “I’m Mike.”
Doog: “I’m Doog, but you can call me anytime.”
Mike: “That was embarrassing.”
Doog: “Hey, I’m trying.”
Maren: “Ha, I like the line, but it’s not happening. I don’t date off-worlders. Me and my smelly world are a lifetime commitment.”
Mike: “Rejected!”
Maren: “This is the warehouse. The Grubbers are salted here to remove most of their moisture. They sit here a few weeks, and then one of my workers breaks them free of the hardened salt. They then proceed into the city.”
Doog: “The grounds salty here too?”
Maren: “Robigo is a salt island like the rest, just bigger.”
Doog: “I get that, but I thought the ground might be paved.”
Maren: “It’s no use paving anything here. The salt either corrodes it, or the salt mist from the ocean covers it in salt.”
Doog: “I see. So, what else can you tell me about Robigo.”
Maren: “It’s a factory town. Everything revolves around manufacturing Garum Sauce. There are worker dorms and service buildings mixed in.”
Maren: “Robigo is a salt island like the rest, just bigger.”
Doog: “I get that, but I thought the ground might be paved.”
Maren: “It’s no use paving anything here. The salt either corrodes it, or the salt mist from the ocean covers it in salt.”
Doog: “I see. So, what else can you tell me about Robigo.”
Maren: “It’s a factory town. Everything revolves around manufacturing Garum Sauce. There are worker dorms and service buildings mixed in.”
Maren: “This is my favorite joint, the Grubber Hub. They have the best, raw grubbers. Add a dab of Garum sauce on it, and chef’s kiss – perfection! Want to try some?”
Mike: “No thanks.”
Doog: “I can say with a reasonably amount of certainty that I’d probably vomit. I have a weak stomach.”
Maren: “Yeah, you definitely couldn’t date me. I eat here at least once a day. Anyway, let’s move on to the factory.”
Mike: “No thanks.”
Doog: “I can say with a reasonably amount of certainty that I’d probably vomit. I have a weak stomach.”
Maren: “Yeah, you definitely couldn’t date me. I eat here at least once a day. Anyway, let’s move on to the factory.”
Maren: “The first part of making sauce – pulverizing the little grubbers into a homogeneous paste. Let all those fishy oils, salty fats, and smelly flesh mix to perfection.”
Doog: “This is the worst smelling room I’ve ever been in. I need to stop talking because it’s getting in my mouth. Mike, take over.”
Mike: “Nuh-uh.”
Maren: “Let’s continue, you babies.”
Doog: “This is the worst smelling room I’ve ever been in. I need to stop talking because it’s getting in my mouth. Mike, take over.”
Mike: “Nuh-uh.”
Maren: “Let’s continue, you babies.”
Maren: “The homogeneous mix is sent to fermentation tanks, like this. Here, the sauce ages to perfection for about three weeks. This part really gives the sauce its signature succinctness – that little bit of pop.”
Doog: “…”
Mike: “…”
Maren: “Really? You’re not talking now? It doesn’t even smell as bad in here – the paste is in sealed tanks.”
Doog: “Not risking it.”
Doog: “…”
Mike: “…”
Maren: “Really? You’re not talking now? It doesn’t even smell as bad in here – the paste is in sealed tanks.”
Doog: “Not risking it.”
Maren: “After three weeks, the sauce is bottled up. This part is pretty automated, you know, for food safety purposes.”
Doog: “Something tells me that the people that eat this don’t really care about safety.”
Maren: “Hey! Take that back!”
Doog: “Something tells me that the people that eat this don’t really care about safety.”
Maren: “Hey! Take that back!”
Doog: “Look, there’s obviously a demand for this stuff – so it must be great – but it’s definitely not for me. I’m glad you showed us around, though. Despite its smell and rusty exterior, Robigo isn’t such a bad place.”
Maren: “Aw, thanks. That was charming.”
Doog: “Charming, huh? Do you like charming?”
Maren: “It’s not happening, Doog.”
Doog: “What if I try the sauce?”
Maren: “You could mainline that grubber paste, and the answer would still be no.”
Doog: “I would say that’s a pretty solid no.”
Maren: “Aw, thanks. That was charming.”
Doog: “Charming, huh? Do you like charming?”
Maren: “It’s not happening, Doog.”
Doog: “What if I try the sauce?”
Maren: “You could mainline that grubber paste, and the answer would still be no.”
Doog: “I would say that’s a pretty solid no.”
Doog: “Well folks, that wraps up Season 16 of LIU Atlas. Garum is far from being a beach paradise, but it has some pluses. The people are nice and generous. There’s, uh, towns, and stuff. Ok, listen, it’s rusty and incredibly smelly, but Garum supplies the galaxy with umami enhancers, and I can get behind that. Oh well, see ya!
Note: Garum Sauce adds an umami flavoring on par with other popular galactic spices, like Umerusan. However, Garum is much cheaper and has a much longer shelf life. On some poorer planets, Garum Sauce and protein sludge are staples of the population’s diet.
Note: Garum Sauce adds an umami flavoring on par with other popular galactic spices, like Umerusan. However, Garum is much cheaper and has a much longer shelf life. On some poorer planets, Garum Sauce and protein sludge are staples of the population’s diet.
