There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.
LIU Atlas - Testa Ebur
The Ludgonian Industrial Union's galaxy contains billions of stars and billions of planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.
Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.
Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.
Doog: “Welcome to the season finale of Season 17 of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting the planet, Testa Ebur. For billions of years, Testa Ebur was covered by vast oceans, supporting simple aquatic life. However, a few centuries ago, those oceans – for reasons still unknown – ceased to exist, and the planet’s once abundant life went extinct. What remains are vast deposits of their mineralized remnants, mostly in the form of their fossilized shells. These cloudy, iridescent, fossil fragments are known as Eburite, and Eburite is considered a valuable jewel. This makes Testa Ebur a Jewel World. Let’s head down and check it out.”
Doog: “Alright folks, I’ve been dropped off in Testa Ebur’s largest port city, Ossa. It doesn’t look like the other Jewel Worlds we’ve visited – it feels far more primitive. It looks more like a rushed frontier planet. That makes sense, I guess. I’m told travelers have flooded in to capitalize on the Eburite craze. I’m guessing the infrastructure is having a hard time keeping up.”
Dusty: “Yer that reporter fella, right? Doog, or somethin’ like that.”
Doog: “That’s me. And you are?”
Dusty: “You can call me Dusty.”
Doog: “Dusty. Nice. A fitting name for a grimy town like this.”
Dusty: “I ain’t no wordsmith, but I believe you just insulted me. Do it again, and I’ll adjust your jaw alignment.”
Doog: “Whoa, whoa. I didn’t mean any offense! I just thought it was a cool name for this frontier-type town.”
Dusty: “Sure.”
Doog: “Let’s start over. Appropriately named gentleman, what can you tell me about Ossa?”
Dusty: “Things change so quickly around these parts, you’re better off rememberin’ the streets instead of the businesses. Businesses fail every week. Streets don’t.”
Doog: “That’s…something, I guess. It’s good advice for any of the viewers planning to join in on the Eburite Rush. Is there more to add?”
Dusty: “Look, I’m an Eburite buyer, not a tour guide. I’m just doin’ this for some extra scratch. If you want fun facts or trivia, you came to the wrong man.”
Doog: “I, uh…”
Dusty: “I’ll sum it up for ya really quick. A decade ago, some guy found Eburite on this rock. People liked how it shined, and how its iridescence switched from bright pink to deep turquois with a subtle shift. People rushed to Testa Ebur to get in on the Eburite trade. Unlike diamonds or hyper-rubies, Eburite was accessible to the common man. Any dunce with a shovel could strike at rich. Millions traveled here for a shot at Eburite glory, myself included. Ossa is a result of that madness. All these new arrivals needed inns, banks, bars, and stores.”
Doog: “Everything here was essentially improvised to meet the new demand.”
Dusty: “Yep.”
Doog: “That’s me. And you are?”
Dusty: “You can call me Dusty.”
Doog: “Dusty. Nice. A fitting name for a grimy town like this.”
Dusty: “I ain’t no wordsmith, but I believe you just insulted me. Do it again, and I’ll adjust your jaw alignment.”
Doog: “Whoa, whoa. I didn’t mean any offense! I just thought it was a cool name for this frontier-type town.”
Dusty: “Sure.”
Doog: “Let’s start over. Appropriately named gentleman, what can you tell me about Ossa?”
Dusty: “Things change so quickly around these parts, you’re better off rememberin’ the streets instead of the businesses. Businesses fail every week. Streets don’t.”
Doog: “That’s…something, I guess. It’s good advice for any of the viewers planning to join in on the Eburite Rush. Is there more to add?”
Dusty: “Look, I’m an Eburite buyer, not a tour guide. I’m just doin’ this for some extra scratch. If you want fun facts or trivia, you came to the wrong man.”
Doog: “I, uh…”
Dusty: “I’ll sum it up for ya really quick. A decade ago, some guy found Eburite on this rock. People liked how it shined, and how its iridescence switched from bright pink to deep turquois with a subtle shift. People rushed to Testa Ebur to get in on the Eburite trade. Unlike diamonds or hyper-rubies, Eburite was accessible to the common man. Any dunce with a shovel could strike at rich. Millions traveled here for a shot at Eburite glory, myself included. Ossa is a result of that madness. All these new arrivals needed inns, banks, bars, and stores.”
Doog: “Everything here was essentially improvised to meet the new demand.”
Dusty: “Yep.”
Doog: “One of those demands appears to be brothels.”
Dusty: “Yep.”
Doog: “Nice. I’ll keep that in mind. So, you mentioned that you, yourself, came to Testa Ebur for the Eburite Rush.”
Dusty: “Yep. Saw an opportunity. Took the plunge.”
Doog: “How did that work out?”
Dusty: “I made enough to get myself outta debt. After that, I quit the minin’ side of things.”
Doog: “You said something about that. You’re a buyer now? What does that mean?”
Dusty: “I purchase Eburite from some of the local small claim holders and resell it to local merchants. Call me a middleman, if ya want.”
Doog: “Local merchants?”
Dusty: “I buy the ore from the locals and sell it to jewelers like Family Jewels. They turn raw Eburite into something presentable, so it can be sold on the galactic market. The claim holders get money from me, I get money from the jewelers, and they get money from selling to the galactic population.”
Doog: “Dang. You must be rich.”
Dusty: “Not at all. There’s lots of competition. I just get by. That’s why I’m wasting my time on this tour.”
Doog: “I see. Thanks.”
Dusty: “If you want your first glimpse at Eburite, follow me.”
Doog: “Getting a glimpse of something at a place called, Family Jewels, has me a bit worried. It doesn’t help that the place is next to a brothel.”
Dusty: “Trust me, I get it. But, it’s just a family-run business that sell Eburite, not some place showing off their nards.”
Doog: “Thanks for clarifying.”
Dusty: “Yep.”
Doog: “Nice. I’ll keep that in mind. So, you mentioned that you, yourself, came to Testa Ebur for the Eburite Rush.”
Dusty: “Yep. Saw an opportunity. Took the plunge.”
Doog: “How did that work out?”
Dusty: “I made enough to get myself outta debt. After that, I quit the minin’ side of things.”
Doog: “You said something about that. You’re a buyer now? What does that mean?”
Dusty: “I purchase Eburite from some of the local small claim holders and resell it to local merchants. Call me a middleman, if ya want.”
Doog: “Local merchants?”
Dusty: “I buy the ore from the locals and sell it to jewelers like Family Jewels. They turn raw Eburite into something presentable, so it can be sold on the galactic market. The claim holders get money from me, I get money from the jewelers, and they get money from selling to the galactic population.”
Doog: “Dang. You must be rich.”
Dusty: “Not at all. There’s lots of competition. I just get by. That’s why I’m wasting my time on this tour.”
Doog: “I see. Thanks.”
Dusty: “If you want your first glimpse at Eburite, follow me.”
Doog: “Getting a glimpse of something at a place called, Family Jewels, has me a bit worried. It doesn’t help that the place is next to a brothel.”
Dusty: “Trust me, I get it. But, it’s just a family-run business that sell Eburite, not some place showing off their nards.”
Doog: “Thanks for clarifying.”
Doog: “So, this is Eburite?”
Dusty: “Yep. Well, a refined version. Jewelers cut it just right to bring out its iridescence. Their craftmanship increases the ore’s value. Makes it worth ten times the amount of the original ore.”
Dusty: “Yep. Well, a refined version. Jewelers cut it just right to bring out its iridescence. Their craftmanship increases the ore’s value. Makes it worth ten times the amount of the original ore.”
Jeweler: “Welcome to Family Jewels. We polish them twice a day. Note, no photographs of the Family Jewels are permitted without written permission.”
Dusty: “Ahem.”
Jeweler: “Ah, Dusty. What brings you here so soon? Surely you haven’t secured enough of my quota already. Family Jewels can’t afford another premature offloading.”
Dusty: “Your jewels are being handled as we speak, but I’m not in any rush. I’m here to show a guy your jewels.”
Doog: “I’d like to see them raw, but I’ll settle for seeing them finished.”
Jeweler: “All of Family Jewels’ assets are handled securely and displayed appropriately.”
Dusty: “Ahem.”
Jeweler: “Ah, Dusty. What brings you here so soon? Surely you haven’t secured enough of my quota already. Family Jewels can’t afford another premature offloading.”
Dusty: “Your jewels are being handled as we speak, but I’m not in any rush. I’m here to show a guy your jewels.”
Doog: “I’d like to see them raw, but I’ll settle for seeing them finished.”
Jeweler: “All of Family Jewels’ assets are handled securely and displayed appropriately.”
Doog: “I respect that. You always want to keep a safeguard on your family jewels.”
Jeweler: “Are we talking about the same thing? I’m speaking about my cut, polished jewels.”
Doog: “Shame. Some people pay more to see them uncut.”
Jeweler: “What?!”
Doog: “Poor handling leads to disappointment.”
Jeweler: “Well, only trained professionals handle the jewels here. What are you inferring?”
Doog: “We’re just staring at your Family Jewels. No commitments.”
Jeweler: “Huh? No gawkers, only buyers!”
Dusty: “He’s not picking up on your innuendo, Doog. Give it a rest.”
Doog: “Fine. The jewels were getting stale anyway.”
Jeweler: “Our Family Jewels are fresh! Get this guy out of here, Dusty!”
Jeweler: “Are we talking about the same thing? I’m speaking about my cut, polished jewels.”
Doog: “Shame. Some people pay more to see them uncut.”
Jeweler: “What?!”
Doog: “Poor handling leads to disappointment.”
Jeweler: “Well, only trained professionals handle the jewels here. What are you inferring?”
Doog: “We’re just staring at your Family Jewels. No commitments.”
Jeweler: “Huh? No gawkers, only buyers!”
Dusty: “He’s not picking up on your innuendo, Doog. Give it a rest.”
Doog: “Fine. The jewels were getting stale anyway.”
Jeweler: “Our Family Jewels are fresh! Get this guy out of here, Dusty!”
Doog: “Thrown out before I could deliver my Family Jewel sacks joke. What kind of planet is this?”
Dusty: “A more and more capitalized one.”
Doog: “What does that mean?”
Dusty: “The original rush – the one I was a part of – was lawless. No structure. Everyone grabbed whatever land they could. Now, it’s different.”
Doog: “Different how?”
Dusty: “Now, land and claims are owned by big corporations. Want in on the rush? Rent a small claim. Want to extract Eburite? Rent the tools needed. Want to sell what you find? Sell it to a middleman for less than it costs.”
Dusty: “A more and more capitalized one.”
Doog: “What does that mean?”
Dusty: “The original rush – the one I was a part of – was lawless. No structure. Everyone grabbed whatever land they could. Now, it’s different.”
Doog: “Different how?”
Dusty: “Now, land and claims are owned by big corporations. Want in on the rush? Rent a small claim. Want to extract Eburite? Rent the tools needed. Want to sell what you find? Sell it to a middleman for less than it costs.”
Dusty: “Heck, even gettin’ a ride out to your claim costs credits.”
Doog: “Sounds like there’s lots of upfront costs.”
Dusty: “Yeah. Most newbies on Testa Ebur are in debt before they’ve even taken their first scoop of soil.”
Doog: “Sounds like there’s lots of upfront costs.”
Dusty: “Yeah. Most newbies on Testa Ebur are in debt before they’ve even taken their first scoop of soil.”
Dusty: “If these greenhorns were smart – like I was – they’d start simple: a claim, a shovel, and some hard work. But that’s not how it goes. The moment they arrive on world, they get swarmed with predatory loan sharks, feeding them malarkey about fancy equipment and shelters. Puts ‘em in debt from day one.”
Dusty: “They get ‘em to buy all sorts of unnecessary junk – plasma batteries, fuel, subspace communicators, and prefab homes for starters.”
Doog: “That stuff looks useful.”
Dusty: “Trust me, it’s not. No claim put up for rent has anywhere near enough Eburite to pay for all of this.”
Doog: “Well, at least they’ll be comfy when they’re broke.”
Doog: “That stuff looks useful.”
Dusty: “Trust me, it’s not. No claim put up for rent has anywhere near enough Eburite to pay for all of this.”
Doog: “Well, at least they’ll be comfy when they’re broke.”
Dusty: “That’s the thing…. they won’t. The second they can’t pay their rental fees; it all gets repossessed. All they keep is their debt.”
Doog: “Debt and a few regrets, I guess.”
Dusty: “Not just a few. Lots of regrets. As you know, debts don’t go uncollected in the LIU.”
Doog: “Meaning?”
Doog: “Debt and a few regrets, I guess.”
Dusty: “Not just a few. Lots of regrets. As you know, debts don’t go uncollected in the LIU.”
Doog: “Meaning?”
Dusty: “They’re going to get rounded up by debt collectors – big, scary mechs.”
Doog: “I see.”
Dusty: “Then they work those debts off at bigger claims. Claims owned by the same predatory lenders that gave ‘em the credits to begins with.”
Doog: “Debt slaves…”
Dusty: “Yep. All the big claims are jammed with ‘em.”
Doog: “I see.”
Dusty: “Then they work those debts off at bigger claims. Claims owned by the same predatory lenders that gave ‘em the credits to begins with.”
Doog: “Debt slaves…”
Dusty: “Yep. All the big claims are jammed with ‘em.”
Doog: “Dang…this place has a lot more Eburite.”
Dusty: “Millions of tons in proven reserves. All the big claims are loaded. Six or seven families control sites like this across the planet. Between them, they move about ninety percent of Testa Ebur’s jewel exports.”
Doog: “Ninety? So, the rest of the planet is just…hoping?”
Dusty: “The rest of the planet is essentially a debt scheme to find workers for the big claims. Don’t get me wrong, it’s possible to make some credits on smaller claims – if you’re smart and frugal – but the vast majority of the new arrivals are…:”
Doog: “Stupid.”
Dusty: “I was going to say, too gullible, but…yeah…stupid.”
Dusty: “Millions of tons in proven reserves. All the big claims are loaded. Six or seven families control sites like this across the planet. Between them, they move about ninety percent of Testa Ebur’s jewel exports.”
Doog: “Ninety? So, the rest of the planet is just…hoping?”
Dusty: “The rest of the planet is essentially a debt scheme to find workers for the big claims. Don’t get me wrong, it’s possible to make some credits on smaller claims – if you’re smart and frugal – but the vast majority of the new arrivals are…:”
Doog: “Stupid.”
Dusty: “I was going to say, too gullible, but…yeah…stupid.”
Doog: “These big claim owners must be making bank.”
Dusty: “They do pretty good considering Eburite’s value. It’s worth considerably less than some of the galaxy’s other big jewels.”
Doog: “Yeah, but their labor is practically free.”
Dusty: “That’s what makes the numbers work.”
Dusty: “They do pretty good considering Eburite’s value. It’s worth considerably less than some of the galaxy’s other big jewels.”
Doog: “Yeah, but their labor is practically free.”
Dusty: “That’s what makes the numbers work.”
Doog: “How long is their service?”
Dusty: “Depends on how hard they bit into the craze. Five years…maybe twenty?”
Doog: “Five is crazy, but twenty?! That’s Family Jewels!”
Dusty: “Huh?”
Doog: “Nuts!”
Dusty: “Oh!”
Dusty: “Depends on how hard they bit into the craze. Five years…maybe twenty?”
Doog: “Five is crazy, but twenty?! That’s Family Jewels!”
Dusty: “Huh?”
Doog: “Nuts!”
Dusty: “Oh!”
Doog: “This is legal?”
Dusty: “It’s all in the fine print. Every credit owed converts to labor hours. These ambitious tenderfoots all agreed to it.”
Doog: “I should start reading the fine print, especially on all those websites I visit. Next thing you know, I’m a debt slave at galacticbrothels.liu.”
Dusty: “It’s all in the fine print. Every credit owed converts to labor hours. These ambitious tenderfoots all agreed to it.”
Doog: “I should start reading the fine print, especially on all those websites I visit. Next thing you know, I’m a debt slave at galacticbrothels.liu.”
Dusty: “I don’t know about that.”
Doog: “It’s really a trusty guide.”
Dusty: “Sure.”
Doog: “I’m probably going to write a review of that Olivia’s Service joint we passed earlier. Want me to tag you? What’s your handle?”
Dusty: “I am not on any brothel review sites!”
Doog: “Keep your secrets, Dusty. I won’t push.”
Doog: “It’s really a trusty guide.”
Dusty: “Sure.”
Doog: “I’m probably going to write a review of that Olivia’s Service joint we passed earlier. Want me to tag you? What’s your handle?”
Dusty: “I am not on any brothel review sites!”
Doog: “Keep your secrets, Dusty. I won’t push.”
Lucarro: “Let me guess, your one of my new sorters.”
Doog: “What? No!”
Lucarro: “Impossible. With that body type, I’d never put you anywhere labor intensive. I’m not in the business of depreciating assets. A day on a drill and you’d be worthless to me. What’s your debt number?”
Doog: “I’m not one of your debt slaves!”
Lucarro: “Slaves? What a disingenuous way to title one of my repayment laborers! I ought to have you beaten for that. How dare you!”
Doog: “Seriously, I’m not one of your workers, whatever you choose to call them. I’m a TV reporter.”
Lucarro: “Why is a TV reporter in my claim! Men, see this lying troublemaker from my land! Fake news! Everything is great here!”
Doog: “What? No!”
Lucarro: “Impossible. With that body type, I’d never put you anywhere labor intensive. I’m not in the business of depreciating assets. A day on a drill and you’d be worthless to me. What’s your debt number?”
Doog: “I’m not one of your debt slaves!”
Lucarro: “Slaves? What a disingenuous way to title one of my repayment laborers! I ought to have you beaten for that. How dare you!”
Doog: “Seriously, I’m not one of your workers, whatever you choose to call them. I’m a TV reporter.”
Lucarro: “Why is a TV reporter in my claim! Men, see this lying troublemaker from my land! Fake news! Everything is great here!”
Doog: “Well folks, I think I’m about to be kicked out of my second establishment this episode. Let’s sum it up quickly before they start with the shouting and dragging. Testa Ebur is a Jewel World that attracts thousands of determined fortune-seekers. Unfortunately, most of them are going to be tricked into amassing enormous debts. These indebted individuals are then going to be forced to labor for larger, Eburite-heavy claims. Visit this planet with caution! Oh well, see ya next season!”
Note: All loan repayments on Testa Ebur are considered voluntary unless the subject is alive, able to labor, and sound of mind. Appeals may be heard after completion of labor service. Participation implies consent.
Note: All loan repayments on Testa Ebur are considered voluntary unless the subject is alive, able to labor, and sound of mind. Appeals may be heard after completion of labor service. Participation implies consent.
