There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.
LIU Atlas - Pantex
The Ludgonian Industrial Union's galaxy contains billions of stars and billions of planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.
Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting Pantex, a temperate planet in the Mid-Rim. The continents of Pantex are mostly barren with almost no life. The lifeforms here are focused in and around Pantex’s large freshwater oceans. We’re headed to a village positioned alongside one such ocean. Let’s go.”
Doog: “Alright folks, I’m now on the surface of Pantex. Pantex – what kind of name is that? It sounds like a feminine hygiene product. Anyway, what can I say about this place? It looks like an antiquated fishing village. Smells like one too.”
Alien: “It didn’t smell like this until you got here.”
Doog: “Hey! I resent that! Ooh, that might be my breath. Fair point.”
Alien: “It didn’t smell like this until you got here.”
Doog: “Hey! I resent that! Ooh, that might be my breath. Fair point.”
Jonwo: “Come aboard, pudgy sleeveless humanoid.”
Doog: “Are you talking to me?”
Jonwo: “Do you see any other overweight humans without sleeves?”
Doog: “Uh, no. I guess not. Man, what’s with the people on this planet?”
Doog: “Are you talking to me?”
Jonwo: “Do you see any other overweight humans without sleeves?”
Doog: “Uh, no. I guess not. Man, what’s with the people on this planet?”
Jonwo: “What do you mean?”
Doog: “All the insults you guys are throwing around.”
Jonwo: “They are not insults. They are truths. Speaking truthfully is one of the core tenets of my people’s religion, Nokore.”
Doog: “Nokore?”
Jonwo: “Worship of the sea god, Nok.”
Doog: “I see.”
Jonwo: “I am Jonwo, by the way.”
Doog: “I’m Doog…AKA pudgy humanoid without sleeves. Pleasure to meet you.”
Jonwo: “The pleasure is all yours. Your breath smells like the anus of a Mudwort Lungfish. I’m close to emptying all my stomachs.”
Doog: “Stupid truth religion…”
Doog: “All the insults you guys are throwing around.”
Jonwo: “They are not insults. They are truths. Speaking truthfully is one of the core tenets of my people’s religion, Nokore.”
Doog: “Nokore?”
Jonwo: “Worship of the sea god, Nok.”
Doog: “I see.”
Jonwo: “I am Jonwo, by the way.”
Doog: “I’m Doog…AKA pudgy humanoid without sleeves. Pleasure to meet you.”
Jonwo: “The pleasure is all yours. Your breath smells like the anus of a Mudwort Lungfish. I’m close to emptying all my stomachs.”
Doog: “Stupid truth religion…”
Jonwo: “Do you insult our religion?”
Doog: “No. No. Nothing like that. I just don’t like the whole truth business.”
Jonwo: “Truth is inevitable – it can be hidden no more than the sun, the moon, or your extremely nauseating breath.”
Doog: “Enough about my breath! Let’s move on!”
Jonwo: “Move on to what? Your flabby body or your repulsive facial hair?”
Doog: “Neither! We’re here to talk about Pantex, not me! And, I’ll fight you over that mustache insult, you yellowed-eyed, wrinkle face!”
Jonwo: “Ah, you finally speak the truth. I’m proud of you. Next time, though, speak that truth downwind if you don’t mind. Phew.”
Doog: “Grrr…”
Doog: “No. No. Nothing like that. I just don’t like the whole truth business.”
Jonwo: “Truth is inevitable – it can be hidden no more than the sun, the moon, or your extremely nauseating breath.”
Doog: “Enough about my breath! Let’s move on!”
Jonwo: “Move on to what? Your flabby body or your repulsive facial hair?”
Doog: “Neither! We’re here to talk about Pantex, not me! And, I’ll fight you over that mustache insult, you yellowed-eyed, wrinkle face!”
Jonwo: “Ah, you finally speak the truth. I’m proud of you. Next time, though, speak that truth downwind if you don’t mind. Phew.”
Doog: “Grrr…”
Jonwo: “Nok has stocked the oceans of Pantex with a multitude of edible species. The favorites of my people being the Southern Gold Fin and the aforementioned Mudwort Lungfish.”
Doog: “You guys harvest these fish?”
Jonwo: “Some of us do, but not for export. My people are the primary consumers of these delicacies.”
Doog: “So, what do you fish for then?”
Doog: “You guys harvest these fish?”
Jonwo: “Some of us do, but not for export. My people are the primary consumers of these delicacies.”
Doog: “So, what do you fish for then?”
Jonwo: “I work for the Pantex Corporation. I fish for gut bacteria.”
Doog: “You what?”
Jonwo: “Fish for gut bacteria. You know bacteria, right? It’s the stuff making every one of your exhales smell like an overflowing latrine. Seriously, I don’t know if you need gum or some toilet paper!”
Doog: “Enough! Tell me more about fishing for gut bacteria.”
Jonwo: “People, like me, come out here to the deep ocean where there are some larger creatures.”
Doog: “How large?”
Doog: “You what?”
Jonwo: “Fish for gut bacteria. You know bacteria, right? It’s the stuff making every one of your exhales smell like an overflowing latrine. Seriously, I don’t know if you need gum or some toilet paper!”
Doog: “Enough! Tell me more about fishing for gut bacteria.”
Jonwo: “People, like me, come out here to the deep ocean where there are some larger creatures.”
Doog: “How large?”
Jonwo: “Real large. Pantine Eels could swallow this boat whole.”
Doog: “Yikes. Are we safe?”
Jonwo: “They don’t venture far out of their dens. We should be safe – especially with your breath deterrent.”
Doog: “I won’t be saving you with this breath, and you better believe that’s the truth.”
Jonwo: “Fair enough. Pantine Eels usually eat dead fish and plankton that sink towards the ocean floor. They do eat live prey when the occasion arises. In order to break down these diverse – often putrid – meals, the eels have developed a strong gut flora.”
Doog: “How does one fish out a creature’s gut flora?”
Doog: “Yikes. Are we safe?”
Jonwo: “They don’t venture far out of their dens. We should be safe – especially with your breath deterrent.”
Doog: “I won’t be saving you with this breath, and you better believe that’s the truth.”
Jonwo: “Fair enough. Pantine Eels usually eat dead fish and plankton that sink towards the ocean floor. They do eat live prey when the occasion arises. In order to break down these diverse – often putrid – meals, the eels have developed a strong gut flora.”
Doog: “How does one fish out a creature’s gut flora?”
Jonwo: “We lower a collection device down towards the eel. The eel bites and swallows it. We let it feed a few dozen meters into the eel and, then, make a collection. Once the device is full, we pull it back out. It gets a little bumpy sometimes. The eels don’t like losing a meal, even if it’s a metal collector.”
Doog: “How do you know where to lower the collector?”
Jonwo: “Pantine Eels are long lived, and they rarely leave their den once it’s set up. We simply return to GPS coordinates where known eels are located.”
Doog: “I see. And, I guess you take this eel bacteria back to the city?”
Doog: “How do you know where to lower the collector?”
Jonwo: “Pantine Eels are long lived, and they rarely leave their den once it’s set up. We simply return to GPS coordinates where known eels are located.”
Doog: “I see. And, I guess you take this eel bacteria back to the city?”
Jonwo: “No. The LIU’s workers did not like living amongst us. They moved their labs to deep sea platforms.”
Doog: “I don’t blame them one bit.”
Jonwo: “Hey, the truth hurts. Hurts like my nostrils every time you talk.”
Doog: “Yeah, yeah. So, what does the LIU do with gut bacteria from some random animal?”
Jonwo: “Truthfully, I’m not sure, but I arranged for you to meet a scientist onboard. Let’s go.”
Doog: “I don’t blame them one bit.”
Jonwo: “Hey, the truth hurts. Hurts like my nostrils every time you talk.”
Doog: “Yeah, yeah. So, what does the LIU do with gut bacteria from some random animal?”
Jonwo: “Truthfully, I’m not sure, but I arranged for you to meet a scientist onboard. Let’s go.”
Doog: “Alright, we’re in some type of lab.”
Jonwo: “Yes. The sterile air and advanced ventilation systems do wonders for your halitosis.”
Doog: “Thanks. I guess.”
Jonwo: “Yes. The sterile air and advanced ventilation systems do wonders for your halitosis.”
Doog: “Thanks. I guess.”
Paul: “I thought the tour was with a human TV reporter! You brought a local?!”
Doog: “I didn’t know leaving him was an option, trust me. I would have left him at the port if I could.”
Paul: “I guess I’m signing up for another eight months with my therapist.”
Jonwo: “I only speak the truth, geeky, bug-eyed, overly-sized eyebrows man.”
Paul: “Yep. Therapy it is.”
Doog: “Forget about my weird-hatted guide. Tell me about this bacterium.”
Paul: “Luteus Ventriculi is one of a dozen or so bacteria found in the gut of the local eels. In our lab, we isolate the Luteus Ventriculi from the other gut bacteria.”
Doog: “Why do you do this?”
Paul: “The bacteria, Luteus Ventriculi, manufactures the chemical, Aalomycin, an antibiotic. The bacterium makes it to kill harmful bacteria in the gut. We convert it into a medication which cures a variety of the galaxy’s illnesses.”
Doog: “Eel intestine germs make medicine. Got it.”
Jonwo: “If only it made mouthwash…”
Doog: “Can I get your therapist’s number, lab guy?”
Doog: “I didn’t know leaving him was an option, trust me. I would have left him at the port if I could.”
Paul: “I guess I’m signing up for another eight months with my therapist.”
Jonwo: “I only speak the truth, geeky, bug-eyed, overly-sized eyebrows man.”
Paul: “Yep. Therapy it is.”
Doog: “Forget about my weird-hatted guide. Tell me about this bacterium.”
Paul: “Luteus Ventriculi is one of a dozen or so bacteria found in the gut of the local eels. In our lab, we isolate the Luteus Ventriculi from the other gut bacteria.”
Doog: “Why do you do this?”
Paul: “The bacteria, Luteus Ventriculi, manufactures the chemical, Aalomycin, an antibiotic. The bacterium makes it to kill harmful bacteria in the gut. We convert it into a medication which cures a variety of the galaxy’s illnesses.”
Doog: “Eel intestine germs make medicine. Got it.”
Jonwo: “If only it made mouthwash…”
Doog: “Can I get your therapist’s number, lab guy?”
Doog: “Well folks, the locals and their ‘truths’ were almost too much to handle. Seriously, these guys don’t hold back. I guess the LIU and their employees are forced to deal with them to get powerful antibiotics – antibiotics made from a local eel species’ gut biome. I think I’d rather die than get any medications from this place. Oh well, see ya!”
Note: Aalomycin is often sold under the name, I Feel Eel.
Note: Aalomycin is often sold under the name, I Feel Eel.
