Season 6 - Episode 4 - Malicanum

LIU Atlas - Malicanum

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.


                                                            LIU Atlas - Malicanum

The Ludgonian Industrial Union’s galaxy contains billions of stars and planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting the planet Malicanum, previously known as Mali Canum. Malicanum is the homeworld of the Dogian Race, which we dealt with briefly on Lacunar Urbs B. Technically, Malicanum is listed as an Industrial World, but everyone knows that Malicanum is really a Vice World.”

Doog: “Alright folks, I’ve been dropped off here in some sort of warehouse district in Malicanum’s biggest city, Nefas. I’m not going to lie, I’m a bit nervous. The Dogians are known to be a troublesome race, and they are closely associated with several criminal activities. Things should be interesting.”

Spot: “What do we have here? A human in the warehouse district?”
Doog: “Well that escalated quickly. Uh, I’m here to do a sh…”
Spot: “Shut it human! I don’t care what you’re here for. There’s no humans allowed in the warehouse district.”
Doog: “Hey, what about that guy over there? He’s human!”
Spot: “Who? Jimmy? Jimmy is half Dogian. Trust me, his mom’s a real b!tch.”
Jimmy: “Yeah! And I like sniffing butts.”
Doog: “Wow…awkward. Look I don’t want any trouble. Maybe I’ll…”
Spot: “Quiet!! You’re about to get bit human!”

Rover: “Someone’s going to get bit around here, Spot, and it’s not going to be Doog.”
Spot: “Mr. Rover, what are you doing here?”
Rover: “Oh, so now I need permission to be in my own district? You’re skating on thin ice, pup.”
Spot: “That’s not what I meant sir! It’s just that this guy is a human.”
Rover: “Why don’t you take your thugs and go for a walk, before I decided to euthanize the whole pack of you.”
Spot: “Y-y-yes sir.”

Doog: “Wow, you sure sent them running with their tails between there legs. I, uh, don’t mean to infer you guys have tails or anything. Do you? Never mind. Thanks for saving me.”
Rover: “No problem. Pups these days don’t know what it takes to be a real gangster. I’m Rover by the way. I run this city.”
Doog: “So you’re in charge of all the criminal activity here?”
Rover: “I’m not too keen on calling what I do ‘criminal’ especially on TV.”
Doog: “Oh, right. So, what do you do?”
Rover: “Let’s just say I’m an enforcer for the LIU. I ensure the LIU gets a cut of the profits made here in Nefas. Most of these businesses here are not officially sanctioned by the LIU, but they turn a blind eye as long as the money keeps rolling in.”
Doog: “I have a feeling I’m going to like this place…that is…if I don’t get murdered first.”
Rover: “The city isn’t that bad. Most parts are no different than any large city. Come on, follow me.”

Rover: “Most parts of the city are like any other city, take this market as an example. Just a standard little market where the residents come to get fresh food.”

Rover: “One can find all the delicacies here: chicken, beef, pork, fish, and even bones.”
Doog: “Pure carnivores. I like it, well, except the bones. Too much calcium.”
Rover: “Oh you’re missing out if you don’t like bones. Malicanum has some of the best bones in the galaxy. I have a few buried in my yard aging to perfection.”

Rover: “If you don’t like bones, then maybe you’d rather enjoy some fresh feline. It tastes best raw.”
Doog: “There is only one kind of cat I eat, and that jokes too dirty for TV, so I’ll stop there.”
Rover: “Oh well, your loss. Come on, let’s head into the neighborhoods.”

Rover: “The neighborhoods are a series of closely packed residential buildings. This section of the city holds about seventy percent of the population.”
Doog: “It’s nice. I like the random park in the middle of the street. The greenery makes it more homely.”
Rover: “Huh? Oh, that. That’s the public restroom. I wouldn't step there.”

Doog: “Hey. What up dawgs?”
Spike: “Hey Mr. Rover, you have someone following you around like a lost human. Want us to take care of him?”
Rover: “No, he’s with me. What’s our status?”
Spike: “The popo’s been hitting this block pretty hard today. They’re looking for a stray. Wait, here comes one now.”

Officer: “You’re going to the pound!”
Dogian: “Never! I don’t want to get in my bed! You’ll never put a leash on me!”

Doog: “What was that? I thought you had an understanding with the LIU?”
Rover: “We do, but only on Malicanum. Some Dogians try to expand their illicit activities off world and run foul of the LIU. We call them strays. They strayed away from Malicanum. Well, it looks clear now. Let’s continue on.”

Doog: “Where are we headed now?”
Rover: “Nefas’ Red Light District.”
Doog: “Nefas has a Red Light District? Sweet!”
Rover: “Yeah, it sure does. It is one of the most unsavory, distasteful, and sleazy Red Light Districts in the galaxy. Basically, anything goes.”

Rover: “Us Dogians are pretty open minded when it comes to sex. We’ll hump anything that moves. Heck, even inanimate items that don’t move. We set up districts like this to meet our needs. We soon learned that there was a huge market for this type of debauchery, and we opened up the district to off-worlders. It’s one of the few areas of the city where other alien races are tolerated. You can fulfill any kink you can imagine here.”

Hobot: “Hey there! Want to tinker with my knobs? Maybe make an input? I can guarantee results in 4.3 seconds!”
Cyclops: “Don’t mess with Hobots, honey. Try the real thing. I only have one eye, but two of everything else!”
Doog: “Uh, I’m flattered, but…”
Businessman: “Sir! Can I interest you in some crab medication? There’s a 20% chance you’ve contracted crabs by just walking into the district. 100% if you indulge in any of the women here.”
Doog: “I’m already stocked up, thanks.”

Doog: “Is that a mermaid prostitute?”
Rover: “Sure is. Ever been with a mermaid? It’s not bad, but a little fishy.”
Doog: “I’ve heard the expression ‘getting some strange’, but here it can be taken very literally.

Rover: “Yes it can. If you have the right amount of money, you can get anything you want.”

Doog: “What a glorious city you have here.”
Rover: “Thanks. The Red Light District brings in lots of money for me and the LIU, but it is not our biggest earner. Follow me.”

Rover: “Before our little agreement with the LIU, Malicanum was famous for smuggling. We moved lots of product around the galaxy, mostly banned items like drugs, weapons, and technology.”

Rover: “We’re still involved in smuggling, but in a more legal capacity.”

Rover: “You’ll have to excuse the ultra-secure doggy door. Security is a must here. We wouldn’t want any the deranged sex addicts accidentally wandering down here.”

Doog: “Oh crap! Can I get a little push?”

Rover: “Like I said, we’re still involved in smuggling, but instead of smuggling contraband within the galaxy, we smuggle it into other galaxies.”
Doog: “Wait, what?”
Rover: “Some political entities in other galaxies have banned or refused to buy LIU products. We smuggle these goods into this entity and sell the products under the table. Essentially, we bypass the embargo and sell LIU products. It‘s very dangerous, but very lucrative.”

Rover: “We mostly smuggle weapons. Rebel groups in other galaxies are our favorite customers. Not only do we make money, but we increase the chance that a more LIU friendly government will be installed.”
Doog: “That’s actually quite brilliant. Anything else?”
Rover: “Not that I can discuss on camera…”

Doog: “Well folks, Malicanum is an interesting place, and the Dogians are an interesting race. The lax laws here allow the Dogians to run several barely legal operations, and probably some illegal ones too. Well, I have to run. I have a date with a mermaid. See ya next time.”




Note:
It is possible that you may have contracted several STD’s by just looking at Nefas’ Red Light District. Please see a doctor soon.


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