Season 7 - Episode 17 - Siccum

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.



                                                            LIU Atlas - Siccum

The Ludgonian Industrial Union's galaxy contains billions of stars and billions of planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds. 

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “What are you doing in there, Oldie? You’re taking forever. The bathroom schedule clearly states that I have the next half hour reserved! No cheating!”
Mike: “Yeah! You’re pushing everyone’s schedule back!”

Oldie: “It’s not my fault. I’m trying! Nothing is coming out!”
Mike: “Yikes, Oldie…too much info.”
Doog: “Is it a prostrate issue again?”
Oldie: “What! I’m not talking about from there. Nothing is coming out of the pipes. I think we’re out of water.”
Doog: “You got to be kidding me. How could we run out of water? Let me in, old man. You’re clearly having a one of those elderly episodes again.”

Oldie: “See! I told you. Nothing’s coming out the pipes. We’re bone dry.”
Doog: “Impossible. Get everyone in the bathroom. We need to get to the bottom of this. I’m pretty certain you guys don’t want me skipping my monthly shower.”

Cam: “Sigh. Another bathroom meeting? Can we go a week without fighting over the bathroom?”
Doog: “It’s a serious meeting this time. It appears we’re out of water!”
Mike: “Yeah, Doog’s going to miss his monthly shower! It’s going to reek of onions and feet in here in no time!”
Cam: “This is serious…”
Doog: “Hurry! We need to conserve all the water we can! Oldie, scoop out whatever water is left in the toilet. Cam, you get all the water left in the urinal.”

Cam: “What urinal? We don’t have a urinal.”
Doog: “Sure we do, you’re standing right next to it.”
Mike: “Are you referring to our sink!? Have you been using the sink as a urinal!”
Cam: “Oh gross. I brush my teeth in there. I think I‘m gonna barf.”
Doog: “It did seem awfully high for a urinal. After the initial burst, I had a hard time maintaining enough arc to keep it in the bowl.”
Mike: “Oh man…that’s why the floor was always wet here. I just thought you were a sloppy teeth brusher…
Cam: “Everyone out! I’m gonna puke!”

Doog: “Looks like we have more pressing matters. Hugo’s activated our warning system.”
Oldie: “He must have heard that you’re missing your monthly shower.”

Hugo: “So…we have a problem. It appears we blew a coupling. We’re venting coolant out into space.”
Mike: “Does this rank higher or lower than our water emergency?”
Hugo: “They’re related, I’m afraid. I had to reroute the water through the coolant system to keep us from burning up. It’s only a temporary fix, so we’ll need to land on the first civilized planet we can find.”
Doog: “Then we get the water back?”
Hugo: “Well…maybe. By routing our water into the coolant system, I may have irradiated our whole supply. Wherever we land, we’ll need to get more water in addition to repairs.”
Oldie: “I can see our season’s earnings melting away before my eyes.”

Hugo: “This is the best I could find within range. It’s a planet called Siccum. Looks to be a desert planet. Luckily, the computer says its home to a depot. We should be able to make repairs there.”
Mike: “Water’s going to cost a fortune on a desert world…”
Oldie: “Looks like I’m not retiring after this season after all…”

Hugo: “It’s going to get a little warm, boys. The atmospheric reentry is going to heat up the hull without the coolant system fully functioning.”
Doog: “Can we not work up a sweat before the desert planet, please? Thanks.”

Hugo: “Alright, I see the Depot coming into view. Looks like we’re going to make it.”

Doog: “Please open the door so I can get out of this sweat box!”

Mike: “It’s not much better out here.”
Doog: “No, it is not. Let’s hurry up and get this over with.”

Chep: “Hey guys, welcome to the Siccum Depot. I’m Chep. What can I do fer ya today?”
Hugo: “We blew a coupling. We’ll need a new one.”

Chep: “Shouldn’t be a issue. We have a full service mechanic station at this depot. We’ll get you fixed up right away.”

Hugo: “Good deal. We’re also going to need to buy a few hundred gallons of water from you.”
Chep: “Bwhahaha! I haven’t heard one that funny in a while.”
Doog: “Stop saying funny stuff Hugo, that’s my job!”
Mike: “Wait…why is that funny?”
Chep: “Oh, you lads were serious? You picked the wrong place to get water. Siccum is about as dry as it gets.”

Chep: “Our wind mills pump up water from deep underground. They spin all day, and we still have barely enough to survive. In fact, we import most of our water.”
Doog: “That’s not good.”
Chep: “I know. The water imports really cut into our profits. It’s hard keeping a depot open with such an expensive overhead, but we manage.”
Doog: “Why open a depot on such an unforgiving planet?”
Chep: “Well, this is the only inhabitable world for twenty light years. We get a lot business from travelers coming through this area. We’re not far off from the Marinjae Hyperspace Route either, so we get a lot of business from there too. Besides, the locals here have some technology of interest to the LIU, so we ship a lot of their goods to other worlds.”

Doog: “Locals?”
Chep: “Yeah, Siccum is home to an alien race known as the Siccuman. They live out in the deserts.”
Doog: “Think they have water?”
Chep: “It‘s likely. I don’t venture far from the depot, but rumor has it, the Siccuman have vast reserves of water hidden away.”
Doog: “Alright, sounds like we’re going searching for the locals.”
Hugo: “I think I’ll…uh…stay here and…uh…keep an eye on the repairs.”
Doog: “Oh sure, every other time, you’re whining about being left behind. Today, you conveniently elect to opt out of the adventure. Whatever, we’ll figure this out without you.”

Mike: “I’m going to wear my pants on my head to keep the sun off. Pretty smart huh?”
Cam: “Nah, I want the sun. I’ll be working on my tan.”
Doog: “See, this won’t be too bad. What’s the worst that can happen?”


Two Hours Later…

Cam: “I can’t do this anymore. One of you has to walk. I can’t drag you guys any further.”
Oldie: “Please Cam, I don’t have any energy left. I’m so thirsty.”
Doog: “Leave Oldie behind! You’ll have more energy for me then.”
Mike: “This was a horrible idea. We’re going to die out here.”

Doog: “So this is the end, huh?”
Mike: “I guess so buddy. It was good knowing you guys.”
Oldie: “I knew this job would kill me one day.”
Cam: “Feel free to drink my blood if I die first. You know, for the water.”
Mike: “Timbo, any last words?”
Timbo: “…”
Doog: “It’s alright Timbo, you can talk. The deals off. We’re dying here.”
Timbo: “Thanks Doog. I know we never saw eye to…”
Doog: “Oh my Emperor, you’re annoying voice is excruciating. Deal is back on. I don’t want my last memories to be of your whining.”

Mike: “Ahh! What is that?”
Doog: “I think I’m having thirst hallucinations.”
Cam: “No, it’s the locals!”
Bolin: “Ahlaan bika. I am Bolin. Are you from the depot?”
Doog: “No, we’re just a TV crew. We’re looking for water.”
Bolin: “Looking for water here? I’m afraid you won’t find much here.”

Bolin: “Here, have a few squirts of our water.”
Doog: “A few squirts? Is that all you can spare?”
Bolin: “For now. We have more at our camp, if you will accompany us.”
Doog: “Yes. That sounds great.”

Doog: “Can I ride on your creature?”
Bolin: “The Mantid? I’m afraid only experienced riders can master this beast. We’re not too far off anyway. Come on.”

Doog: “This is your camp? I thought it would be more technologically advanced. You have all those cool cybernetics on your face.”
Bolin: “My race has mastered several technologies, but we only use some of it. We don’t believe in technology that makes things easier, only technology that keeps us safe.”
Doog: “I don’t understand.”
Bolin: “We could build machine to condition the air, to make things cooler, but it is not necessary. We can survive without it, so we do not utilize this technology. Overuse of technology makes one weak.”
Doog: “What about your face doo-hickies?”
Bolin: “They stop water from evaporating from our eyes and mouth, preserving precious fluids. They keep us safe from dehydrating, and therefore are an acceptable form of technology.”
Doog: “Weird. Anyway, speaking of water, we need a lot of it. Word has it, that you have a stash hidden somewhere.”

Bolin: “What you have heard is true, but I’m not sure I can arrange a visit. The Hidden Cisterns are sacred. They are ancient sources of water discovered by my people centuries ago. They are closed systems and not replenished. It would be foolish of me to put this irreplaceable water source in danger.”
Doog: “Pretty please?”

Doog: “Water!”
Mike: “Oh yeah! Who’s doing a cannonball….this guy is!”
Oldie: “Woo-hoo!”

Bolin: “Please be respectful of our ancient treasure…it means so much to my people. Do not sully it with your sweaty bodies….”

Bolin: “Sigh. Why did I fall for the ‘pretty please’?”
Oldie: “Finally, I got the bath I was wanting.”
Mike: “Doog, why are you standing so still?”
Cam: “This isn’t a urinal Doog!”
Doog: “Too late...”

Doog: “Well folks, looks like we‘re going to be ok. This ancient cistern should have enough water to fill the Magellan and still leave some for the natives. It’s free too. For being such a dry place, Siccum sure has some nice pools. See ya!”


Note: Siccum is littered with ancient cisterns that extend deep into the planet’s crust. Here, in the depths, groundwater still remains. Some of these cisterns are thousands of feet deep. Some are now polluted with human sweat and other fluids…

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