Season 13 - Episode 5 - Edere Bis

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.

LIU Atlas - Edere Bis

The Ludgonian Industrial Union's galaxy contains billions of stars and billions of planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU Galaxy, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.


Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting the tropical planet, Edere Bis. As you can see, eighty-percent of Edere Bis is covered in large oceans. Its continental land masses are small, but there are thousands of smaller islands between these continents. The native Bis live among the coastal areas of these continents and islands, subsisting off the bountiful oceans. We’re heading down to a small settlement on the planet’s second biggest continent. Let’s go.”

​Doog: “Alright folks, I’ve been dropped off in the city of Chena. Chena sits on the western coast of Parera near the strait of Kutsanya. This shallow strait has some of the best fishing grounds on Edere Bis, so Chena’s economy is mostly driven by fishing.”

Doog: “I seem to be in some type of port. There are docks, cranes, and an extremely fishy smell. I can say, with a reasonable degree of certainty, that this smell is not coming from me. I haven’t been to the brothel for weeks. Chena, and the whole of Edere Bis, is mostly populated by the native, Bis, but there are a few off-worlders here. One of these off-worlders is my guide. Let’s try to find him.”

​Selby: “Ahoy-hoy, young man. You must be Doog. I’m Selby ‘Two-Fingers’ Wheatley, your chaperon for today’s show.”
Doog: “Hey, Selby. Thanks for having me. So, should I even ask? Is it TV appropriate?”
Selby: “Excuse me? I don’t follow.”
Doog: “Why is your nickname, ‘Two Fingers’?”
Selby: “Oh, that! I once nicked me a Tide Eel with just two fingers. Two! I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s completely true! You should have seen that thing! Boy, oh boy! She was bigger than the Emperor’s wallet!”
Doog: “Uh, yeah, sure. I bet. Let’s not get too off topic, ‘Two Fingers’. So, why are you here?”
Selby: “Isn’t it obvious? I’m a fishing aficionado! I’ve fished all of the best places in the galaxy. Edere Bis is one of my favorites though. The Bis have a great fishing culture. Some of their methods…just blow my mind! I can’t wait to get out there and show you some of the planet’s sea life. Whoa boy! You’re going to love it!”
Doog: “Your enthusiasm is not contagious, just so you know. I’m immune.”

Selby: “Did I tell you about that one time when I snagged a Spineback with just a stick and a rope?”
Doog: “We’ve only been talking for two minutes, so probably not. Although, I’m already zoning-out awfully hard. My attention peaked at the, ‘Two Fingers’ thing. After that, I lost interest.”
Selby: “Well, then you’re going to love this. It was on the planet, Eremita. I’m all alone swimming in a school of Tursent…”
 
​
Forty Minutes Later…

Selby: “…nearly drowning in the depths of Caetarius while wrestling a Silurus. It was epic. Aha-ha-ha, best ten minutes of my life. Oh, that reminds me, I caught a Madhaka Whisper Fish with two cotton balls. You heard that right, cotton balls! Let me start from the beginning…”
Doog: “Wait! Stop! You’ve been talking about your fishing adventures for hours! When are we going to talk about this planet?!”
Selby: “I don’t think it’s been hours. It doesn’t take hours to row out to the Chitsuwa.”
Doog: “It sure seems like hours. Tell me something about this place. At the very least, tell me where we’re going.”
Selby: “We’re rowing out to the Chitsuwa, a main-boat stationed in the middle of the Kutsanya Strait.”
Doog: “Why the strait?”
Selby: “The currents here stir the sediments. The sediments spread nutrients. Nutrients spawn microbe and algae growth, and they attract larger fish and coral reefs. It sort of reminds me of the straits on the moon, Ty…”
Doog: “Stay on topic! What’s a ‘crap sewer’?”
Selby: “Excuse me? A what?”
Doog: “That main-boat thing you were talking about.”

Selby: “Oh, you mean the Chitsuwa.”
Doog: “Yeah, that.”
Selby: “The Bis mostly fish from large boats they call main-boats. These big ships almost never come to port. Smaller boats, like the one we came on, transport crew back and forth. They also transport the fishing haul.”

Selby: “I’ve fished on hundreds of worlds, experienced the fishing practices of dozens of cultures, and caught some of the galaxy’s greatest creatures, but Edere Bis has a special place in my heart.”
Doog: “What makes this place special?”
Selby: “I like the Bis’ hands-on approach. It’s some of the most thrilling fishing in this galaxy.”
Doog: “How so?”
Selby: “The Bis don’t use hooks or nets or long lines. They fish stealthily with spears. To top things off, they do most of this spear-fishing from underwater.”
Doog: “They swim underwater and spear fish?”
Selby: “Aye. And, we’re not talking shallow depths and short trips either. The Bis have biological adaptations that allow them to hold their breath for long periods. That’s why their heads are shaped like that. It has something to do with oxygen storage.”
Doog: “I thought it was for aerodynamics, but that makes more sense. I guess.”

Doog: “Wait. I thought you said the Bis don’t use nets. Isn’t that a net right there?”
Selby: “Oh, that net is not for catching. It’s for lifting the catch out of the sea.  Have you ever tried to lift a Huku out of the water while treading water?”
Doog: “No. I don’t generally lift anything out of the water, well, besides my fat self. So, these are Huku?”
Selby: “Yeah, they’re the Bis’ main target out here in the strait. Huku are lightning quick, so they can only be caught with stealth. Someone sat down there a good while to catch these guys.”
Doog: “Have you caught a Huku?”
Selby: “This old fisherman doesn’t have the lung capacity to get one, not yet anyway. I’ve been practicing, though.”

Selby: “Speaking of which, let’s get some practice in right now.”
Doog: “You want me to get in the water?”
Selby: “Well, yeah. Why else did you bring a wetsuit?”
Doog: “To stay dry during an intermittent splash, actually. No one told me about swimming.”
Selby: “Oh, come on. Don’t be scared. There’s a lot to see under here.”
Doog: “I’m not scared, but I do have a few questions. Do Huku eat people? Are there bigger fish down there? Should I be scared?”
Selby: “Huku eat small fish, not people. There’s nothing bigger than a Huku, not in the strait anyway. You shouldn’t be scared.”
Doog: “Sigh. I guess I have no choice.”

Selby: “I could easily grab a Huku with a pole, a hook, and some bait, but I prefer to fish like the local population. That means I need to build-up my lung capacity. I come out and practice every so often, but I still have a long way to go. I can only hold my breath for a few minutes. The natives can easily do twenty minutes.”
Doog: “I don’t think I have more than thirty seconds in me.”
Selby: “That won’t do for catching a Huku, but you’ll get a glimpse of the reefs. It will be something to show your viewers.”
Doog: “There’s reefs down there?”
Selby: “Aye. Are you ready?”
Doog: “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

Doog: “…”
Selby: “…”

Selby: “That was only ten seconds.”
Doog: “Not all of us…get to spend our days…practicing…holding our…breath.”
Selby: “I don’t think most people need practice to hold their breath for thirty seconds.”
Doog: “What can…I say…I’m a little…out of shape…”
Selby: “Did you catch any of the sights down there? The coral? The wildlife?”
Doog: “Can we discuss this…back…on the boat? Treading…water…not helping…”
 
 
Ten Minutes Later...

Selby: “…and she says, ‘I can’t believe you dove in and swam with them!’, and I say, ‘Well, I sure couldn’t have walked!’. Get it? Because I was in the water!”
Doog: “Got it.”
Selby: “I wasn’t sure because you weren’t laughing. Are you still out of breath?”
Doog: “No, I think I’m ok now. I’m a little drained, so I’m just zoning out.”
Selby: “The swimming took it right out of ya, huh?”
Doog: “That and the endless fishing tales.”
Selby: “Oh.”
Doog: “Let me know when we get somewhere new, though. I’ll feign interest then.”
Selby: “Well, we are somewhere new.”
Doog: “Oh wow! How exhilarating! Amazing!”
Selby: “It isn’t that exciting.”
Doog: “Oh, well tell me what I’m looking at, so I know how enthused I should be.”

Selby: “Most of the fishing on Edere Bis supports the local population. Huku and crabs are part of the domestic economy. There is, however, a good on Edere Bis that is traded galactically. It’s called Kurutsa. It’s found on little outlying islands like this.”
Doog: “Does it have something to do with those giant creatures?”

Selby: “It does. They are the source of Kurutsa. These creatures are called Chyme Seals.”
Doog: “Chyme Seals? They don’t look, or smell, appetizing. I hope Kurutsa isn’t a food.”
Selby: “Actually, it is. It’s a major protein source.”
Doog: “Ew.”
Selby: “It’s more gross than you know.”
Doog: “How?”
Selby: “Well, let’s circle around this isle and find a candidate. Prepare to be disgusted.”

Doog: “A candidate for what?”
Selby: “Only female Chyme Seals produce Kurutsa, specifically mothers.”
Doog: “Mothers? Are we about to milk a seal?”
Selby: “Not milk. You’ll see.”

Doog: “Hey, there’s a baby seal.”
Selby: “Yep. That means we found our candidate.”
Doog: “And this isn’t a milking situation?”
Selby: “Nope, but it is a feeding situation. Mother Chyme Seals eat and digest a bunch of fish. They then return to the shallows to feed their young.”
Doog: “Don’t tell me we have a baby bird situation.”
Selby: “That’s exactly what’s happening. The mother seal will regurgitate the predigested fish into its baby’s mouth.”

Doog: “Oh boy, that’s gross.”
Selby: “It certainly churns the stomach. Aye, that smell is something else.”
Doog: “Why are the natives getting so close? What are they doing?! Watch out! There’s seal barf over there!”
Selby: ‘They have to go over there. They collect the seal regurgitation. That’s what Kurutsa is.”
Doog: “Sick! Who would want that?!”
Selby: “If you can get past the smell, that’s a big chunk of free protein right there.”
Doog: “It’s revolting, and they’re stealing food from a baby. How much worse can it get?!”

Selby: “Yeah, the mother seals tend to get a bit aggressive when you steal their baby’s food. So, we need to make a quick exit. Look! Here she comes!”
Doog: “A foul smelling, blubber-filled, snaggle-toothed monster is chasing us after vomiting. I’m having déjà vu about my ex-girlfriend.”
Selby: “Paddle quicker!”

Doog: “I should be wrapping up the show, but “Two-Fingers’ had to open his big trap again. He could have bored me with more fishing tales, but no…he had to do it. He had to offer me some Kurutsa to try. We all know I’m contractually obligated to try any local foods, so here we go. Wait up, Selby!”

Doog: “Edere Bis wouldn’t be so bad, they said. It’s a tropical planet with beautiful seas, they said. Everyone forgot to mention the swimming, the breath holding, the fishy smells, the giant ex-girlfriend doppelgangers, and the vomit eating. I need a new job…”
Selby: “Kurutsa isn’t that bad. Try not to think of where it came from though.”
Doog: “I hope it’s that easy. This stuff is popular across the galaxy?”
Selby: “I don’t know if its popular, but it’s definitely in use across the galaxy. Kurutsa is used as a protein additive in many prepared meals; especially those frozen seafood dinners from Foetida Foods.”

Selby: “Most Kurutsa is shipped off-world, but some is prepared by the locals as a special treat. It doesn’t get much fresher than this.”
Doog: “Fresh Barf-Kabob incoming. Sick on a stick. Regurgitate on the plate. Spew stew. Hurl on…”
Selby: “Stop talking about where it came from!”
Doog: “Hey, this isn’t that bad. I mean, I’m instantly nauseous, but it’s better than I thought.”
Selby: “It’s a bit gristly, but the flavors not too bad. It reminds me of the fish stew on the planet…”
Doog: “Let me stop you right there. No more fishing stories for you.”

Doog: “Well folks, Edere Bis is Edere Bis. What can I say? The native Bis are expert swimmers and fisherman. They have the biological adaptations to prove it. They catch all kinds of sea life, but it’s mostly used domestically. Their only galactic export is regurgitated protein from Chyme Seals. Seal puke. Your planet’s claim to fame is Seal puke. Wow. I can’t make this stuff up. Oh well, I need to get the rest of this kabob back to the ship so the crew can try it before they see the footage. They don’t need to know where it came from! See ya!”
 
Note:
 
Kurutsa Kabob Recipe
For maximum tenderness, allow Kurutsa to age for three to six days (the stomach acids within the regurgitated meat will continue to break down protein structures)

• Chop Kurutsa into one-inch cubes
• Remove any bones, rocks, or inedible materials (optional)
• Preheat grill to high-heat
• Thread chopped, vomited meat onto skewers
• Grill for ten minutes (grill times may vary by species – see information regarding parasites on your LIUpad)
• Enjoy!

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Credits
Created by: Ludgonious
Crew Member:  Jonathan Rivlin