There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.
LIU Atlas - Lucernae
The Ludgonian Industrial Union's galaxy contains billions of stars and billions of planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.
Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting the moon, Lucernae, which orbits the gas giant Parma. Lucernae’s orbital velocity matches Parma’s orbital period, keeping the moon constantly in Parma’s shadow. In other words, Lucernae never receives direct sunlight. The little light that reaches Lucernae is diffused through Parma’s atmosphere. Despite being relatively dark, Lucernae is habitable. It has a breathable atmosphere and is moderately warm. I’m even told that the shadowed moon has life. Let’s head down and check it out.”
Doog: “Alright folks, I’ve been dropped off on Lucernae’s surface near some type of habitat. There’s a lot to take in right off the bat. First, Parma dominates the moon’s sky. Secondly, the moon has tons of bioluminescent plants. Thirdly, there’s plenty of light here. Some light is coming from these eerie, glowing plants. Some is coming from the gas giant itself. I wonder what process makes Parma light up? I’d ask someone, but so far, I can’t find anybody. Where is my guide? Seriously, I’ve knocked like twenty times, and no one came to the door. I guess I’ll just head out and explore this creepy moon by myself.”
Doog: “I’m immediately regretting my decision. I know practically nothing about this moon. Are these plants safe? Are they glowing because of radiation? Is there other life here – like dangerous carnivore types? Most importantly, how far am I going to have to walk? I might have just doomed myself to unnecessary exercise.”
Doog: “Ok, dilemma time. There’s a very large creature just in front of me. It hasn’t tried to eat me – yet – so, I’m thinking it’s not a carnivore. That’s good. Now, I just have to figure out if it’s willing to let me ride him. I’m done with all this walking. However, his grunting and horn-shaking are giving me doubts. What’s worse – walking or being mauled by this creature? Alright, screw it, let me try…”
Molly: “That would be most unwise.”
Doog: “Did my conscience just speak out loud to me?”
Molly: “No. It’s your guide. I’m right behind you.”
Doog: “Where have you…”
Molly: “Shh. No sudden movements. Don’t turn around. Face the Septehorn. If you look away, it will charge.”
Doog: “Oh crap! Uh…ok. I’m staring right into the creature’s soul. I’m not even blinking.”
Molly: “Good. Now walk backwards slowly. Keep looking at the Septehorn as we retreat.”
Doog: “Did my conscience just speak out loud to me?”
Molly: “No. It’s your guide. I’m right behind you.”
Doog: “Where have you…”
Molly: “Shh. No sudden movements. Don’t turn around. Face the Septehorn. If you look away, it will charge.”
Doog: “Oh crap! Uh…ok. I’m staring right into the creature’s soul. I’m not even blinking.”
Molly: “Good. Now walk backwards slowly. Keep looking at the Septehorn as we retreat.”
Molly: “Alright. I think we’re safe now. Septehorns are extremely territorial, but they only defend their immediate surroundings.”
Doog: “Can I blink now?”
Molly: “Yes. We’re safe. I’m Amoullin, by the way. You can call me, Molly.”
Doog: “Molly, how thankful should I be? Like, how injured or dead would I have been if I tried to ride a Septic Horn?”
Molly: “Septehorn, or seven horn. And, you’d be very injured and likely killed if you attempted to approach it any further. It’s a matter of how many horns would have penetrated your body and where. Their kicks are no joke either.”
Doog: “I guess I should be thankful then. Of course, I wouldn’t have been in this mess if you would have been at the meeting place.”
Molly: “Sorry about that. My last session went over.”
Doog: “Can I blink now?”
Molly: “Yes. We’re safe. I’m Amoullin, by the way. You can call me, Molly.”
Doog: “Molly, how thankful should I be? Like, how injured or dead would I have been if I tried to ride a Septic Horn?”
Molly: “Septehorn, or seven horn. And, you’d be very injured and likely killed if you attempted to approach it any further. It’s a matter of how many horns would have penetrated your body and where. Their kicks are no joke either.”
Doog: “I guess I should be thankful then. Of course, I wouldn’t have been in this mess if you would have been at the meeting place.”
Molly: “Sorry about that. My last session went over.”
Doog: “Session?”
Molly: “Yeah. I’m a tour guide. I show tourists around Lucernae. The last group ran over their time limit. They were taking selfies with everything. Something about social media clout.”
Doog: “Wait, are you telling me I have an actual professional guide for once?”
Molly: “Well, professional might be pushing it, but I’ve been doing this since Pulchra* fell about eight years ago. I know the planet pretty well.”
Doog: “Well then, let’s hear a quasi-professional fact about these glowing plants.”
Molly: “They use standard bioluminescent chemicals to fluoresce, like luciferin, luciferase, and photoproteins. They glow so they can attract the attention of the planet’s herbivores. They want to be eaten to distribute seeds. Speaking of which, this planet only has herbivores. There are Septehorns – which you met, Nilhorns, and the planet’s sentient species, the Lucern.”
Doog: “There’s sentient life here?”
Molly: “Yes.”
Molly: “Yeah. I’m a tour guide. I show tourists around Lucernae. The last group ran over their time limit. They were taking selfies with everything. Something about social media clout.”
Doog: “Wait, are you telling me I have an actual professional guide for once?”
Molly: “Well, professional might be pushing it, but I’ve been doing this since Pulchra* fell about eight years ago. I know the planet pretty well.”
Doog: “Well then, let’s hear a quasi-professional fact about these glowing plants.”
Molly: “They use standard bioluminescent chemicals to fluoresce, like luciferin, luciferase, and photoproteins. They glow so they can attract the attention of the planet’s herbivores. They want to be eaten to distribute seeds. Speaking of which, this planet only has herbivores. There are Septehorns – which you met, Nilhorns, and the planet’s sentient species, the Lucern.”
Doog: “There’s sentient life here?”
Molly: “Yes.”
Molly: “Competition with the larger – and more dangerous – Septehorns caused the Lucern and the Nilhorns to form a mutually beneficial, symbiotic relationship. They always travel together these days. The Nilhorns get protection from the Lucern’s primitive weapons, and the Lucern get the benefit of riding Nilhorns as mounts.”
Doog: “I should have picked one of those to ride instead.”
Molly: “It might have been safer, but the Lucern might not have liked it.”
Doog: “Are the Lucern dangerous?”
Molly: “They are pretty mellow. I get along with them just fine. However, I generally don’t try to ride their symbiotic buddies.”
Doog: “Got it. Don’t try to ride anything on this planet.”
Doog: “I should have picked one of those to ride instead.”
Molly: “It might have been safer, but the Lucern might not have liked it.”
Doog: “Are the Lucern dangerous?”
Molly: “They are pretty mellow. I get along with them just fine. However, I generally don’t try to ride their symbiotic buddies.”
Doog: “Got it. Don’t try to ride anything on this planet.”
Molly: “There’s no economic value on Lucernae, so the locals haven’t been studied too much. The things we know about them come from tour guides, like me, who mingle with the Lucern daily.”
Doog: “Wait, this moon has no value?”
Molly: “There’s no minerals of note. The plants here are not nutritionally viable for farming. There’s obviously no technology of use to the LIU. The little money made here comes from tourism. Rich folks like to come here to see the glowing plants and planet-views.”
Doog: “I see. So, what have you learned about the locals with your time here.”
Molly: “Let’s see. They don’t speak Basic. Actually, they don’t really speak at all, per se. They communicate with rattles and clicks produced by vibrating the bony structures on their faces. Um, they are mostly colorblind. Coming from a darkened moon, they haven’t evolved to see much more than light and dark. That’s why everything is black in color, like their skin and clothing.”
Doog: “Makes sense.”
Molly: “Let’s see. Oh, the Lucern and the Nilhorns are nomadic. They wander the moon looking for fresh pastures of glowing plants. Yet, they don’t travel too far from a central point. Do you know why?”
Doog: “They’re scared of running into those seven-horn behemoths?”
Molly: “Good guess, but nope. They roam around a central point because of the Lucern’s religion.”
Doog: “Religion?”
Molly: “Yes. Follow me.”
Doog: “Wait, this moon has no value?”
Molly: “There’s no minerals of note. The plants here are not nutritionally viable for farming. There’s obviously no technology of use to the LIU. The little money made here comes from tourism. Rich folks like to come here to see the glowing plants and planet-views.”
Doog: “I see. So, what have you learned about the locals with your time here.”
Molly: “Let’s see. They don’t speak Basic. Actually, they don’t really speak at all, per se. They communicate with rattles and clicks produced by vibrating the bony structures on their faces. Um, they are mostly colorblind. Coming from a darkened moon, they haven’t evolved to see much more than light and dark. That’s why everything is black in color, like their skin and clothing.”
Doog: “Makes sense.”
Molly: “Let’s see. Oh, the Lucern and the Nilhorns are nomadic. They wander the moon looking for fresh pastures of glowing plants. Yet, they don’t travel too far from a central point. Do you know why?”
Doog: “They’re scared of running into those seven-horn behemoths?”
Molly: “Good guess, but nope. They roam around a central point because of the Lucern’s religion.”
Doog: “Religion?”
Molly: “Yes. Follow me.”
Doog: “It’s some type of structure. It doesn’t look like your more modern habitat.”
Molly: “That’s because it was made by the Lucern.”
Doog: “These primitive herders made this?”
Molly: “Yes.”
Doog: “Why?”
Molly: “Religion. The Lucern seem to worship a certain material found on the moon.”
Doog: “A material? What? Gold? Diamonds? Hyper-rubies?”
Molly: “No. Nothing valuable to you or I. It’s just some random metallic compound.”
Doog: “Why do they worship worthless junk?”
Molly: “Given their astronomical situation, they don’t have much else to worship. There are no moon cycles to worship. No sun to adore. There’s Parma, I guess, but it stays the same throughout observable time. The only sense of wonder the Lucern have are these metallic materials.”
Doog: “But why are they wonderous?”
Molly: “Because they make sounds. Let’s head inside.”
Molly: “That’s because it was made by the Lucern.”
Doog: “These primitive herders made this?”
Molly: “Yes.”
Doog: “Why?”
Molly: “Religion. The Lucern seem to worship a certain material found on the moon.”
Doog: “A material? What? Gold? Diamonds? Hyper-rubies?”
Molly: “No. Nothing valuable to you or I. It’s just some random metallic compound.”
Doog: “Why do they worship worthless junk?”
Molly: “Given their astronomical situation, they don’t have much else to worship. There are no moon cycles to worship. No sun to adore. There’s Parma, I guess, but it stays the same throughout observable time. The only sense of wonder the Lucern have are these metallic materials.”
Doog: “But why are they wonderous?”
Molly: “Because they make sounds. Let’s head inside.”
Doog: “It’s some type of altar. Wait, is that a xylophone?”
Molly: “It’s an instrument created from metallic ore. Each bar of ore is a different size, and it produces a different sound when struck.”
Doog: “AKA, a xylophone.”
Molly: “If you’re being technical, it’s in the glockenspiel family, because it’s made of metal.”
Doog: “Brothels, bordellos – same thing. How does a race worship an instrument?”
Molly: “They don’t worship the instrument; they worship the sound it makes. The tones it produces sounds similar to the clicking and rattling the Lucern communicate with. Essentially, they believe that the moon is communicating with them when they play the instrument.”
Doog: “I guess it’s not anymore ridiculous than any other religion. What does the moon instrument tell them?”
Molly: “I have no idea. I don’t understand the clicking language.”
Doog: “I wonder what would happen if I played something on there. I could bang out a new dogma or something.”
Molly: “Don’t make the locals angry, Doog.”
Molly: “It’s an instrument created from metallic ore. Each bar of ore is a different size, and it produces a different sound when struck.”
Doog: “AKA, a xylophone.”
Molly: “If you’re being technical, it’s in the glockenspiel family, because it’s made of metal.”
Doog: “Brothels, bordellos – same thing. How does a race worship an instrument?”
Molly: “They don’t worship the instrument; they worship the sound it makes. The tones it produces sounds similar to the clicking and rattling the Lucern communicate with. Essentially, they believe that the moon is communicating with them when they play the instrument.”
Doog: “I guess it’s not anymore ridiculous than any other religion. What does the moon instrument tell them?”
Molly: “I have no idea. I don’t understand the clicking language.”
Doog: “I wonder what would happen if I played something on there. I could bang out a new dogma or something.”
Molly: “Don’t make the locals angry, Doog.”
Molly: “Look, they are playing a prayer now.”
Doog: “Yikes. Sounds like a garbage can falling down a set of stairs. I’m praying too – praying for it to stop.”
Molly: “Well, we don’t have to stay and listen. Let’s wrap up this tour.”
Doog: “You don’t have to ask me twice. This temple sounds like a wrench in a washing machine right now!”
Doog: “Yikes. Sounds like a garbage can falling down a set of stairs. I’m praying too – praying for it to stop.”
Molly: “Well, we don’t have to stay and listen. Let’s wrap up this tour.”
Doog: “You don’t have to ask me twice. This temple sounds like a wrench in a washing machine right now!”
Doog: “Well folks, that’s Lucernae. The natives here are not the best musicians, at least, by galactic standards. It does something for them, though, as it’s part of their religion. There are better things to check out here, though, like the sky-views, glowing plants, and unique life. These things attract rich tourists which brings the moon its only economic value. Oh well, see ya!”
Note: Lucernism is the 16,769,221,966th most popular religion in the LIU galaxy.
*Pulchra was one of several planets to break away from the LIU during the last major revolution. It has since been placed under the strictest of controls. Natives lucky enough to get off-planet come to worlds like Lucernae to avoid the LIU.
Note: Lucernism is the 16,769,221,966th most popular religion in the LIU galaxy.
*Pulchra was one of several planets to break away from the LIU during the last major revolution. It has since been placed under the strictest of controls. Natives lucky enough to get off-planet come to worlds like Lucernae to avoid the LIU.
