Season 8 - Episode 9 - Buccina

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas. 


                                                              LIU Atlas - Buccina
The Ludgonian Industrial Union's galaxy contains billions of stars and billions of planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU Galaxy, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.


Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: "Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I'm your host Terrance "Doog" McDoogal. Today we're visiting Buccina, another world in the Blattarius Halo. Buccina is a cold planet dominated by flat, endless deserts. The majority of Buccina's economy revolves around mining, but I'm told there are other areas of interest. I guess we’ll have to descend to learn what that’s all about."

Doog: "Alright folks, I've been dropped off on a landing platform inside the confines of Fort Buxum. The fort protects mining interests in this area. Because Buccina is so remote, it is subject to occasional raids from pirates and other criminal organizations. Hopefully, I'll be safe inside the fort."

Brontes: "Safe indeed. I'm Brontes Steropes, Director of Mining Operations here on Buccina." 
Doog: "Great to meet you. Who's this other guy?"
Brontes: "Oh, this is Agite, my assistant. He doesn't speak Basic, so he's not much of a talker. To be honest, he's not much of an assistant either. Seriously, all he does is follow me around. He's pretty useless."
Doog: "You're preaching to the choir when it comes to useless coworkers. So, tell us a little about your operation on Buccina."

Brontes: "Buccina is abundant in an alloy called Unthueric Brass, and we mine it. It's pretty straight forward."
Doog: "Urethra Brass? Is that different than normal brass?"
Brontes: "Brass is an alloy of copper and zinc. Types of brass can vary depending on the differing percentages of copper, zinc, and other additives. Unthueric Brass is one such variation."
Doog: "What makes Urethra Brass so special?"
Brontes: "It's actually Unthueric Brass, not urethra. It's special because it is nearly frictionless, making it an ideal casing for ammunition."
Doog: "Ah, I see why it's so protected now."

Doog: "Uh...speaking of protected…is this the safest place to be standing?"
Brontes: “Relatively safe. We only average about two crush deaths a year, so the odds are in our favor.”
Doog: “Comforting.”

Doog: “So this is the special brass?”
Brontes: "Yes. Mined Unthueric Brass is transported via train cars to the fort's landing platform, where it is transferred to cargo ships and taken off world. We don’t do any of the processing here."
Doog: “So, we’ve started at the end of the operation?”
Brontes: “Yes. If you’ll follow me, we’ll see where it all begins.”

Brontes: “The lack of tectonic activity and strong eroding winds have shaped Buccina’s surface into featureless flatlands.”
Doog: “This section hardly looks flat.”
Brontes: “Exactly. There are a few exceptions. These pits, or lowlands, are called ‘Howl Caverns’. They’re formed when wind erosion opens up tunnels or caves into the surface.”
Doog: “Did you say ‘howl caverns’?”
Brontes: “Yes, a name derived from the natives. On windy days, a howling noise emanates from the caverns. The noise is created by the wind altering the air pressure within the cavern, or Helmholtz Resonance. The natives, of course, are not familiar with this scientific principle, so they see the sound in a more spiritual light. These howling caverns play a big role in their culture.”
Doog: “How so?”
Brontes: “We’ll get to that in a bit. Let’s focus on the mines for now.”

Brontes: “The wind-eroded tunnels stretch deep into Buccina’s crust, giving us access to the abundant Unthueric Brass within. These naturally formed caverns or tunnels extends hundreds of miles into the crust.”

Brontes: “Because the mines are so deep, we had to import workers that were capable of surviving long durations within the mine.”
Doog: “Are those Aleans?”
Brontes: “Yes. On Alea, they stay in the mines for months at a time. They’re well suited for these conditions.”
Doog: “I know. I’ve been there. Wait, does that mean there are casinos here?”
Brontes: “No, unfortunately.”

Brontes: “This place is known as the Condenser Point. Here, Unthueric Brass from all the various branches of the cavern come together to be loaded onto train cars. Large, mechanized, lifting belts make it easy work.”
Doog: “Looks like some pretty standard mining stuff...which is sort of boring, to be honest. I’m more interested in this ‘howl’. I don’t hear anything.”
Brontes: "The phenomenon is difficult to hear with all the loud machinery. We’ve also altered the tunnel with various structures, and they too dampen the sound. If you want to experience the howl, we’ll need to venture out of the fort and head to one of the untarnished caverns.”
Doog: "I'm game."

Brontes: “Are you sure you’re up for this? We’ll be leaving the safety of the fort.”
Doog: “I guess. This show isn’t going to make itself. If I stay here with the boring mining stuff, I might lose the six viewers I have left.”

Doog: “I mean…it can’t be too dangerous. We’ll have soldiers with us, right?”
Brontes: “No. The soldiers are here to protect physical assets, not guys like us.”
Doog: “I’m having some serious second-thoughts right now.”

Doog: “If any of you guys feel like going AWOL, now’s the time. A little desertion never hurt anyone.”
Brontes: “The penalty for desertion is death, I believe.”
Doog: “Doesn’t mean it hurts. Besides, the penalty for us going alone might be death.”

Brontes: “Relax. It’s not really that bad. Pirates haven’t raided this place in decades. I’d be more worried about the natives than anything else.”
Doog: “Oh great…more to worry about. Could you perhaps pile a bit more on? Are there five-hundred foot centipedes or something?”
Brontes: “Nothing like that. There’s some pretty big lizards though.”
Doog: “Lizards…wonderful…”
Brontes: “Most have been domesticated by the natives, so there’s no reason to worry about them.”

Doog: “Ok…I thought we were leaving the fort. What’s this?”
Brontes: “This is Tau Depot, the fort’s trading post. It’s located just outside the actual fort. It acts as a liaison point between the LIU and the natives. It’s where we conduct our trade with them.”

Brontes: “This is Arges Steropes, my brother. I appointed him Trade Delegate.”
Arges: “The gift that keeps on giving.”
Brontes: “Hey, I know it’s not easy, but you needed a job. Be grateful.”
Doog: “What happened to you?”
Arges: “A trade dispute with the natives. Guy ripped my arm clean off and then broke my back beating me with it.”
Brontes: “It was just one of a handful of negative contacts with the natives. He never mentions the hundreds of positive contacts.”
Arges: “Forgive me, brother. Some incidents tend to be more memorable. Like the one with the arm and broken back…or the one with the fractured skull…or the one with…”
Brontes: “Ok, ok. I get it. I didn’t have a choice. The LIU wanted a Cyclopian delegate. They figured we’d have more in common with the natives. If it makes you feel any better, I’m here to take this TV reporter to see the howl caverns and the natives. Maybe, I’ll finally experience one of these negative contacts and you can rub it in my face.”

Arges: “Well, in that case, I’d be glad to speed you towards your demise. I have three Hover-Bikes available. I trust that will be sufficient.”
Brontes: “Should be. Doog, can you drive one of these?”
Doog: “Well…I drove one once, but…I crashed immediately.”
Brontes: “Uh...”
Doog: “I’ll figure it out. There’s not much to crash into out here, right? You were saying something about endless flatlands. Besides, the only thing I’ll end up hurting is myself.”
Brontes: “Yourself, our Hover-Bike, Agite, and possibly me…maybe you should just ride with me.”
Doog: “If you insist. I mean, riding behind you might chafe my rashes, but I guess that’s better than crashing.”
Brontes: “Did you say ‘rashes’? Uh…how about we give you a second chance on the Hover-Bike. I’m sure that last crash was an anomaly.”

Brontes: “I really must insist that you use two hands. You’re drifting closer to me.”
Doog: “I can’t. I have to hold my microphone.”
Brontes: “Can’t you hold it in between your legs or something?”
Doog: “The region between my legs is already busy holding something else.”
Brontes: “What? I didn’t see you carrying anything other than your mic.”
Doog: “It’s something very personal to me. Something valuable. Some say it’s little, but I usually describe it as average.”
Brontes: “Wow…are you talking about your wiener?”
Doog: “What! No! No one describes that as little. I’m talking about my cellphone.”

Brontes: “If you get any closer, I’m going to make you buy me dinner. Lean to the right.”
Doog: “How about you lean to the left? I’m doing just fine here, I don’t want to mess up doing some advanced maneuver, like leaning right.”
Brontes: “It’s literally the easiest maneuver. Like, the first day of Hover-Bike school kind of easy.”
Doog: “Not all of us have your fancy school degrees.”
Brontes: “It’s not a degree! It’s basic common sense! Haven’t you ever ridden a normal bike?”
Doog: “Not all of us grew up in fancy little towns with bike trails.”
Brontes: “We’re almost here. I’m done arguing with you.”

Brontes: “Slow it down. Don’t make any quick movements. The natives are easily spooked. In fact, let’s just stop and let them pass. Oh, and don’t look them directly in the eye.”
Doog: “Their eyes are like...eighty percent of their face. Where should I look?”
Brontes: “I don’t know, just not their eye!”
Doog: “I’m going with the groin stare. It might send mixed signals, but it’s plenty far from their eye.”
Brontes: “Whatever works.”
Doog: “So, what can you tell us about the natives?”
Brontes: “They’re a nomadic people. They travel in caravans, like this, in search of vegetation and water. They’ve domesticated a native lizard species, and they use them as beasts of burden. Many tribes construct small cabins or covered chambers on top their mounts for shelter.”
Doog: “Tribes?”

Brontes: “Yes. The Buccinans travel around in small family units that we call tribes. They are generally built around groups of sisters. The females have a blue skin pigmentation to stand out and attract males, so the sisters are easy to spot. The males are a much duller green color.”
Doog: “This will probably sound offensive, being that you’re a Cyclopian, but how does a species evolve one eye? I was always told two were better.”
Brontes: “No offense taken. My people are familiar with the two-eye bias. Sometimes, one eye is better. Two eyes allow for better depth perception, but one eye can see further. It’s more telescopic. In the case of the Buccinans, it was a better way to find mates at long distances. Because there are so few features on the planet surface, the Buccinans use their one, telescopic eye to see vast distances.”
Doog: “I guess it’s better for navigating these plains. I couldn't find my way back to the fort if my life depended on it.”
Brontes: “Actually, the Buccinans evolved an even better way to navigate…by using sound.”
Doog: “Sound to navigate?”
Brontes: “Yes. The planet’s ‘howl’ caverns vary in depth and size which gives each one a distinct sound. The Buccinans can differentiate these sounds and can use them to triangulate their position. That’s why the Buccinans see these caverns as holy. Each one is like a beacon.”

Brontes: “Alright, here’s one of the caverns. You can probably hear this one a bit easier.”
Doog: “Yeah, for sure. It’s kind of angelic. I probably would have seen the cavern as holy too, if you didn’t ruin it with science earlier.”

Brontes: “The Buccinans use the caverns for navigation, but they also serve as a communal gathering places. Here, various tribes come together to trade, find mates, and exchange members.”
Doog: “Are they smoking something? Are those bongs? Ooh, ooh, pick me! Pick me! Trade for me! I want to be in the bong clan!”
Brontes: “Shhh! Don’t disturb the natives! Besides, those aren’t bongs. They’re musical instruments.”
Doog: “Instruments?”
Brontes: “Yes. The Buccinans produce two of the galaxy’s greatest wind instruments. They’re crafted from a form of brass called Windscale. Like I said before, the ‘howl caverns’ play a large role in the Buccinans spiritual system. They’ve constructed these instruments to mimic the angelic howls of the caverns.”
Doog: “Oh, that’s cool. Not bong-level cool, but cool.”

Brontes: “The larger instrument is called a Buccana. It has a low-pitched, echoing sound. It’s considered a bass instrument.”
Doog: “And it’s popular around the galaxy?”
Brontes: “Absolutely. It is an integral part of orchestras around the galaxy.”

Brontes: “The Buccana is a beautiful instrument, no doubt, but it pales in comparison with its much smaller cousin, the Buccini. The Buccini is Universe renowned”
Doog: “What makes it so special?”
Brontes: “Listen to it. It sounds like a whole choir of heavenly voices.”
Doog: “That noise is all coming from that little thing?”
Brontes: “Yes. It’s a wind instrument, but its sound closely resembles a synthetic voice. It’s quite amazing.”
Doog: “I can see why it’s so popular. Does the LIU mass produce the Buccini now?”
Brontes: “They wish. The Buccini and Buccana must be handcrafted. Their construction is an art form known only to the Buccinans. The LIU has tried to reproduce the Buccini many times, but they have never succeeded. It never sounds close to the same. The LIU is forced to trade with the natives to acquire the instruments.”
Doog: “Ah, makes sense now. That’s why your brother is a Trade Delegate. It’s his job to get Buccinis from the natives.”
Brontes: “Yes, and they don’t part with them easily either. Well, you’ve seen how my brother looks…”

Brontes: “Uh, I wouldn’t touch that if I was you. You haven’t bartered for it. Remember the things Arges was saying about arms being pulled off?”
Doog: “Relax. I just need it a minute. Well folks, Buccina is an interesting place. It’s home to a mining industry that collects a rare form of bronze that ends up being turned into ammunition. It’s also home to an interesting race of one-eyed beings called the Buccinans. The Buccinans use the sounds of the ‘howl caverns’ to navigate their featureless homeworld. They also make some of the galaxy’s best wind instruments, like this Buccini here. Well, I better return this before I get my arm ripped off. See ya!”


Note:

Doog: “Get the hover-bikes ready!”
Brontes: “As long as you don’t ride alongside me again…”

Credits
Created by: Ludgonious
Executive Producers: Ralph DuBreuil , legolifty

CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE - Season 8 - Episode 10 - Caecus Station #29