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Season 5 - Episode 14 - Gemellus Mal

8/11/2015

LIU Atlas - Gemellus Mal

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.

LIU Atlas - Gemellus Mal

The Ludgonian Industrial Union's galaxy contains billions of stars and billions of planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, were visiting an asteroid known as Gemellus Mal. Gemellus Mal is lagrangian asteroid, meaning it is not located in an asteroid belt, but instead in the L4 point of the nearby gas planet Praebitor.”

Doog: “A large facility appears to have been built into the asteroid. Three hangar doors grace one side of the facility. We’re going to set the Magellan down here and head inside.”

Doog: “Alright, I’ve been dropped off inside the facility. This appears to be some sort of airlock. I can’t venture any further into the facility, so I’ll wait here for my guide.”

Cautus: “Not an airlock, it’s a grav-lock. Hello there. I’m Cautus, Chief Safety Officer for Gem-Mal Industries.”
Doog: “A grav-lock?”
Cautus: “Yes, this asteroid is small; its gravity is one sixteenth standard gravity. To make arrivals easier, we use gravity generators to compensate.”
Doog: “So, once were outside the grav-lock, we’ll only be experiencing one sixteenth gravity? Sweet.”

Cautus: “Not quite. We’ll be wearing magnetic boots like these. They’ll keep you adhered to the floor and simulate standard gravity. We can’t have you floating about, banging into our delicate equipment. I’ll get you some in a moment, but, before we continue, I need to brief you on evacuation procedures.”
Doog: “Sigh. Do we have to?”

Twenty Minutes Later…

Cautus: “Did you really have to fake yawn during my entire presentation?”
Doog: “Hey, those weren’t fake. You were literally putting me to sleep!”
Cautus: “Well, I hope you listened. It’s important stuff.”
Doog: “Let’s face it. If there’s a catastrophic failure, I’m too slow to make it out anyway. Especially with these awkward boots.”
Cautus: “Well, maybe. But I wish you would have taken my recommendation to wear a hard hat. I know it’s optional, but I don’t want to see you get a head injury.”
Doog: “Not much to protect in my head, Cautus.”

Doog: “So what can you tell me about this place?”
Cautus: “The facility produces antimatter, specifically antihydrogen.”
Doog: “Antihydrogen?”
Cautus: “Identical to hydrogen, but with an opposite charge. Instead of protons and electrons, antihydrogen has positrons and antiprotons. In laymen‘s terms, antihydrogen is hydrogen’s evil twin. When the two particles collide, they annihilate each other releasing high amounts of gamma rays and neutrinos.”
Doog: “So what is used for?”
Cautus: “It has lots of uses, power generation, propulsion systems, and weapons.”

Cautus: “This is our particle accelerator. It helps us produce antimatter.”
Doog: “It’s long. I can’t even see the end. By the way, that’s what she said.”
Cautus: “I’m sure she did. Especially the ‘can’t even see’ part. Anyway, the accelerator is a large circle with a circumference of approximately 20 miles. It wraps all the way around the asteroid.”

Cautus: “Hydrogen atoms are accelerated using electromagnetic fields until they approach the speed of light.”
Doog: “And that makes antimatter?”

Cautus: “No, the collision does. Follow me.”

Cautus: “Once the atoms reach max speed they are routed onto this linear track and smashed into one another inside this collider.”
Doog: “Reminds me of playing chicken on my hover bike as a child.”
Cautus: “There is a little more energy involved here, Doog.”

Cautus: “The collision creates several rare forms of exotic matter, including positrons and antiprotons. These particles are trapped in magnetic fields and combined into antimatter.”
Doog: “Easy as that huh?”
Cautus: “There’s some steps I may have glossed over. I’m the safety officer, not a scientist.”
Doog: “Fair enough. It’s the end result that matters anyway. So, what’s next?”

Cautus: “Magnetic fields force the antihydrogen down this tube to the collection chamber. Let’s head downstairs.”

Cautus: “Each collision only results in one atom of antimatter, so the accelerator must make millions of collisions a day to make any worthwhile amounts. After each collision, the antihydrogen drops down into the collection tank.”

Doog: “Wow, what’s this?”
Cautus: “This is it, the collector.”

Doog: “The antihydrogen is that red blob? And its just out in the open like that?”
Cautus: “It’s hardly in the open. It’s behind several layers of magnetic shielding. Inside the shield is a matter free zone. Don’t forget. Any matter that touches antimatter, or vice versa, will result in a high energy explosion.”

Doog: “What kind of explosion are we talking about?”
Cautus: “Well, a one kilogram collision between matter and antimatter will create an explosion of 180 petajoules, or the equivalent of a 27,000 kilogram thermonuclear weapon.”
Doog: “So a big one. A really big one.”
Cautus: “Considering there are thousands of kilograms of antimatter in the tank right now, we’re talking about the total destruction of this asteroid.”
Doog: “So, no touching, I presume.”

Cautus: “Obviously, hydrogen is a gas, and its counterpart is no different. Gas is harder to control, so we’ve compressed the antihydrogen into a liquid. It‘s also easier to ship in this form.”

Cautus: “Obviously you can’t just throw antihydrogen in a box and ship it out.”
Doog: “Obviously…wait, why not?”
Cautus: “Because it can’t touch matter! Geez, I’ve only said that a few hundred times.”
Doog: “Oh yeah, I do recall you saying something about that.”

Cautus: “Anyway, we designed special stasis containers to ship the antihydrogen. These boxes have there own power supply so they can maintain their own magnetic field.”

Cautus: “Auto-Loaders transport the containers. We can’t afford operator error.”

Doog: “That’s it?”
Cautus: “Yes, that’s our operation from start to finish.”

Doog: “Well folks, Gemellus Mal is a both a high-tech and high-risk place. Scientists here put their lives on the line to produce antihydrogen, a form of antimatter. This dangerous, but valuable form of matter is used in everything from propulsion systems to advanced weaponry. See ya next time!”

Notes:
1. Gemellus Mal was moved to its current location so that it would be closer to the gas planet Praebitor, an abundant source of hydrogen.

2. Gram for gram, antihydrogen is one of the most expensive substances in the universe.

3. Several years ago, the freighter Hard Money, which was carrying several tons of antihydrogen, suffered a containment failure, resulting in a massive gamma ray burst. The explosion could detected for millions of light years. It remains one of the most expensive accidents in LIU history.

4. The loss of the Hard Money forced the LIU to redesign its transporting containers and reevaluate its procedures involving the transportation of antihydrogen.

CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 5 - Episode 15 - Cunabula

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Season 5 - Episode 13 - Picta Paludem

8/11/2015

1 Comment

LIU Atlas - Picta Paludem

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.

LIU Atlas - Picta Paludem

The Ludgonian Industrial Union's galaxy contains billions of stars and billions of planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today we’re visiting a wet, humid planet known as Picta Paludem. Melt water from the frozen poles flow through a huge network of slow moving rivers that cover the planet’s surface. These rivers and their flood plains are home to huge forested swamps.”

Doog: “Alright folks, I’ve been dropped off about a mile from one of the planet’s river systems. I’m here at a small camp where I’m going to meet my guide.”

Dundee: “Ah, you must be Doog. I’m Dundee.”
Doog: “Hey. So, you live in a tent huh? Not a bad idea with rent costs in the LIU.”
Dundee: “Well, there’s that. But more importantly, it keeps me mobile. I’m one of a handful of human settlers here. My job is to explore the planet’s swamps and interact with the natives.”
Doog: “Natives?”
Dundee: “Yep. The Draco, a reptilian race. If you’ll allow me to pack up camp, we’ll head out towards the river and meet them.”
Doog: “Sounds good.”

Doog: “Whew. This was more hiking than I signed up for. Are we almost there?”
Dundee: “Yeah. We’re here.”
Doog: “Where? I don’t see anything.”
Dundee: “The river. The rivers are the lifeblood of this environment. They disperse polar melt water throughout the planet, feeding Picta Paludem’s unique foliage.”
Doog: “Yeah, tell me about these freaky plants.”
Dundee: “Well, for starters, Picta Paludem has one of the most diverse collections of flowering plants in this galaxy. Competition over the planet’s nutrients, water and space has caused an explosion of evolution. To insure pollination in this crowded environment, each species has evolved brighter colors, bigger flowers, and more powerful fragrances.”
Doog: “Sniff. Sniff. Yeah, this is one of the better smelling swamps I‘ve visited. I mean, I can still smell the swamp, but the flowers make it better. It’s sort of like spraying air freshener on my ship after burrito night. It doesn’t cure the smell but makes it more bearable.”
Dundee: “Uh, sure. Anyway, the river itself is home to several thousand aquatic plant species and algae, which gives its green coloration.”

Doog: “Well, we’re at the river. What’s the plan? Float trip?”
Dundee: “Sort of. The river is too slow to float all the way to our destination, so we’re going to catch a ride with one of the Draco. Despite your slower than average hiking speed, I think we‘ve made it in time. Ah, I see him now.”

Dundee: “The Draco live in small mobile houseboats. They must constantly keep moving in search of food. It also serves as protection from flooding. These swamps are subject to daily flooding, making permanent structures vulnerable. Why do you think I was camped so far from the river?”
Doog: “Excuse me. I’ll ask the questions around here. I’m the one with the media credentials. So, what can you tell me about the Draco?”
Dundee: “Well they’re a reptilian species. Although sentient, their small reptile brains have a hard time controlling their primal instincts. They’re unbelievable strong for their size, and they have the teeth to shred you to the bone in mere minutes. Their grasp of language is less than ideal, but I’ve learned to communicate with them to an extent. Because of their primal nature and deadly biology, I recommend that I handle all communications.”
Doog: “I can live with that.”

Gart: “Garrrt!”
Dundee: “Greeting Gart…”
Doog: “His name is Gart?”
Dundee: “I don’t know. But that’s what he says every time we meet. Now stop interrupting me. Gart, could we ride the wet serpent with you today?”
Doog: “The wet serpent? That sounds dirty.”
Dundee: “Shhh! It’s what the Draco call the river. Now keep quiet!”

Gart: “Rarr! Two? No room for Guuur! For catch. Herrr! For food then?”
Dundee: “Yes, that is acceptable. He’s getting on my nerves anyway.”
Doog: “What’s happening? I only understand parts of what he’s saying.”
Dundee: “You didn’t miss much. Gart wasn’t expecting to give two of us a ride. He thinks it will slow down his search for food. He wants assurances that he can eat you if he doesn’t find anything else.”
Doog: ‘What! And you said yes!”
Dundee: “I’m sure we’ll find something else. No worries.”

Doog: “Alright. We’ve traveled a few miles down the river and have stopped at a small flooded lagoon. Gart is confident the deep waters will hold food. Me, not so much. I’m prepared to run…”

Doog: “Dundee, what is he doing?”
Dundee: “Looking for bubbles that might indicate that there is prey in the water.”
Doog: “I’m so nervous, I could go waist deep in the water and make all the bubbles he ever dreamed of.”
Dundee: ‘Looks like there’s nothing in the lagoon today. We better move on. Keep searching.”

Doog: “I’ve never been so vested in finding food for another creature in my whole life. I’m keeping my eyes peeled as we approach a sharp bend in the river. These bends are another hotspot for finding prey. Wait…BUBBLES!”
Gart: “Graaaa!”

Doog: “Gart has anchored the houseboat and has climbed to the roof to get his fishing gear. Let’s hope he gets something!”

Doog: “Yeah! Bingo! Uh, what is that?”
Dundee: “That is the Picta Paludem Articulated Shrimp. One of the largest shrimp-like species in the galaxy.”
Doog: “That gives a new meaning to jumbo shrimp!”

Dundee: “The swamps here are infested with the Picta Paludem Articulated Shrimp. We believe the abundant algae and plants in the river allows them to grow to these enormous sizes.”
Doog: “So, what you’re telling me is, the wet serpent is infested with little bugs? I have a business card of this doctor I once worked with. I had a similar problem. Don’t feel bad Picta Paludem, you’re not alone.”
Dundee: “Sigh.”

Dundee: “Gart has pulled the shrimp to shore to field dress it and strip the meat. The shrimp’s muscular tail has loads of meat. The Draco used to catch the shrimp, eat what they could, then leave the leftovers to rot. There’s no way a single Draco could eat this whole thing. Now, we get them to bring the leftovers to a processing plant down the river.”
Doog: “Gross. The LIU sells half eaten shrimp?”
Dundee: “Sort of. It is cleaned up and processed like all the other meats in the LIU.”
Doog: “That’s not much better. I’ve seen how the LIU processes meat.”

Doog: “Now that Gart’s had his fill of shrimp, we’ve packed up the leftovers and we’re headed down river to a processing plant. We need to be quick before the meat spoils.”

Doog: “Ah, here it is. Wait, Dundee, there’s another Draco, but he has a whole shrimp. What’s the deal with that?”
Dundee: “The Draco get paid by the pound, so sometimes they don’t eat their catch so they can get the extra credits. Maybe he needs supplies or something.”

Doog: “Well Gart, it was nice getting to know you. Glad you didn’t have to eat me. Would you like some help carrying your catch?”
Gart: “GRRAAAAaaaarrrarara!”
Dundee: “Uh Doog, it’s not wise to touch the Draco’s food. Even if they are done eating it.”
Doog: “Noted. I wasn’t looking forward to carrying anything anyway. Well, see ya Gart.”

Doog: “Well, I guess that about wraps it up.”
Dundee: “Not yet. There’s one more thing I want you to see. Let’s hurry along, it’s getting dark.”

Dundee: “As we get farther from the river, the trees give way, and there are even more flowers.”
Doog: “They’re glowing!”
Dundee: “Yes, most of the flower species have some form of bioluminescence. Even at night, the flowers compete for pollinators. This colorful, glowing nighttime spectacle gave the planet its name, Picta Paludem, or the Painted Marshes.”
Doog: “Very cool.”

Doog: “Well folks, Picta Paludem is an interesting place. Its fragrant, colorful swamps are home to many unique species, including the Draco. The Draco supply the galaxy with shrimp, although they like to taste them before they sell them off. Well, see ya next time.”

Note:
The Picta Paludem Articulated Shrimp is known to carry parasites that cause the disease Picta Fluxus. Please cook thoroughly.

CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 5 - Episode 14 Gemellus Mal

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Season 5 - Episode 12 - Ambroscus

8/11/2015

2 Comments

LIU Atlas - Ambroscus

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.

LIU Atlas - Ambroscus

The Ludgonian Industrial Union's galaxy contains billions of stars and billions of planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each episode.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting the remote, icy world of Ambroscus. Ambroscus is home to an alien race we lovingly call ‘the Goo’. The Goo are a collective consciousness comprised of trillions and trillions of microscopic organisms. These organisms, also known as the Goo Collective, can be found in only one pool on this planet. The pool contains a nutrient rich organic compound necessary for the collective’s survival. This compound can not be synthesized artificially, so the collective is forced to stay on this planet.”

Doog: “Alright folks, I’m outside one of the few visible structures on the planet’s surface. This structure leads into a facility under Ambroscus’ thick ice crust. This facility, known as the Ambroscus Vault, is home to the Goo Collective and apparently holds some form of advanced technology. We’re here to figure out what it is. Ah, I think I see our guide now.”

Doog: “Wow, you’re a big one! I figured you’d be smaller, being microscopic and all.
Goo: “Actually, I am not one. You are speaking to millions of individuals.”
Doog: “Millions?”
Goo: “Yes, but only a fraction of the total collective.”
Doog: “Seems confusing. Who’s driving this suit? And what should I call you?”
Goo: “We are all piloting this hardsuit. We are a collective consciousness. Many individuals, but one mind. For identification purposes, you may refer to me as Goo.”
Doog: “Weird. I’m not sure I understand, but it’s too cold ask questions. Shall we head inside?”
Goo: “Yes. Right this way.”

Doog: “Holy Kaadu! It’s not much warmer in here. What do you have the thermostat set on?”
Goo: “It’s hovering right around -19 degrees.”

Doog: “-19! What are you guys doing here? Trying to invent the universe’s best air conditioner?!”
Goo: “No. We, the collective, are dependent on just one unique pool of organic compounds to stay alive. The planet’s naturally cold temperatures allow this compound to stay viscous and bounded. If it gets too warm, the compound will begin to break down and my race would lose its sustenance. We would be extinct. We must pump the naturally cold air down here to maintain our pool.”
Doog: “Where is this pool?”
Goo: “Follow me. It‘s just down this corridor.”

Doog: “This is you? The purplish slime pit?”
Goo: “Yes, this is us. Our entire race is based out of this pool. Of course, it wasn’t always built into a facility like this. The LIU helped with that.”
Doog: “I like what the LIU did with the place. It’s less icy. Very chic.”

Goo: “ LIU scientists first discovered my race while exploring the ice caves of Ambroscus. At first, they believed they had stumbled on a lifeless pool of primordial ooze, but soon discovered the pool was filled with microscopic organisms. After a few scans, they detected that we were communicating with each other using electronic signals. They then developed an electronic interface to allow us to communicate with them. They were surprised at our intelligence.”
Doog: “You had intelligence? I don’t imagine there’s a lot to learn in a little pool under all this ice.”
Goo: “I didn’t say we were smart, only that we had intelligence. We had a propensity for learning and an incredible ability to store and recall information.”

Goo: “The LIU recognized our potential and built us this facility. They even created these hard suits to allow us limited locomotion.”
Doog: “Limited?”
Goo: “Yes. Despite the LIU’s best efforts, we still must return to this pool on occasion. So we are limited to brief trips. We can control most of this facility through the electronic interface, and we only need to utilize these suits to make repairs and perform physical functions, like running the upload device.”
Doog: “What’s the upload device?”
Goo: “Using our unique…”
Computer: “The upload crop for this week has arrived in the loading dock. Dispatching two units.”
Goo: “I’ll explain on the way.”

Goo: “Ah, two more parts of the collective have been pumped into hard suits. Let’s follow them down to the loading docks.”

Doog: “Uh, this is awkward. I don’t see any crops here, only frozen people. You’re not man-eaters, are you?”
Goo: “No. This is our upload crop. We have no use for the physical bodies, only their minds.”

Doog: “So you eat brains? And these containers with frozen bodies are like perverted TV dinners?”
Goo: “No! We don’t eat anything. And I said minds, not brains.”

Goo: “All of the great minds across the LIU are shipped here after they die. Scientists, historians, politicians…”
Doog: “Haha. Politicians with great minds…never met one. Oh, sorry. Please continue.”
Goo: “Anyway. These great minds are preserved in stasis chambers like this and shipped to this facility. We then upload their consciousness and knowledge into our collective. That way, the valuable information they have gathered over their life time is not lost.”
Doog: “You upload their minds?! How?”
Goo: “Come this way. The upload matrix is just ahead.”

Goo: “This is the upload matrix. The physical bodies of the great minds are strapped into this device.”

Goo: “The deceased’s brains are then hooked into these harnesses and then reanimated using electronic pulses. The machine reads these electronic pulses and maps of all the resulting brainwaves.”

Goo: “The same compound that gives us our sustenance also has unique electronic properties that allow it to send, receive, and store information. It’s how our collective communicates. The compound is injected into tanks on the device where it receives the brainwaves. The information from the deceased’s brains are now stored into the tanks.”

Doog: “It’s as simple as that?”
Goo: “Not all that simple. I took some liberties in my explanation to better fit your intellectual capabilities.”
Doog: “What do you know about my intellect? I haven’t even done anything stupid this episode. So for all you know, I might be a genius!”
Goo: “You’d be surprised how many of these ‘great minds’ have watched episodes of LIU Atlas. Their knowledge of your antics have been recorded by this machine and uploaded into the collective.”

Doog: “Wait. You guys have access to this information?”
Goo: “Yes. After the tanks have recorded the information, the organic compound is returned to the pool and dispersed amongst the collective. We share all the uploaded minds’ memories and knowledge. They may not still be here, but they live on through the collective. In a sense, they have achieved immortality.”
Doog: “What do you do with this information? How does this benefit the LIU?”
Goo: ‘We share this knowledge with the LIU. Come this way.”

Doog: “What’s this?”
Goo: “This is our search engine, Goo. This electronic interface allows the LIU to search all our knowledge. Go ahead. Ask it something.”

Doog: “Uh…what’s the closest burger joint around here?”
Engine: “Popina‘s Diner - Eight parsecs away. Would you like directions?”
Doog: “Uh, no. Been there. Done that.”

Goo: “Seriously? All this knowledge at your fingertips, and that’s what you ask?”
Doog: “Hmm. You’re right. I need to ask something more important. Where is the closest brothel?”
Engine: “Ghovihanna‘s Massage Parlor, one parsec away. Would you like directions?”
Doog: “I would.”
Goo: “Sigh.”

Doog: “Well folks, Ambroscus is an interesting place. A strange liquid collective has created technology that allows it to upload people’s minds. They then use this information to create a comprehensive database that is searchable via its search engine, Goo. Well, I’m going to print out these directions. See ya next time!”

Note:
Any resemblance to other search engines starting with Goo are purely coincidental.

CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 5 - Episode 13 -Picta Paludem

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Season 5 - Episode 11 - Turribus

8/11/2015

1 Comment

LIU Atlas - Turribus

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.

LIU Atlas - Turribus

The Ludgonian Industrial Union's galaxy contains billions of stars and billions of planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting the planet Turribus. Turribus is covered in a thick, viscous sea consisting primarily of organic solvents. These solvents have dissolved much of planet’s limestone crust, making the waters rich with minerals and giving it its unique green coloration. Subsequently, precipitation generated by this solvent sea is also mineral rich, and, over millions of years, these mineral rich rains have dotted the surface with thousands of stalagmites. These rocky columns reach up out of the waters and make up the majority of Turribus’ land mass. These stalagmites are inhabited by the planet’s native sentient race, the Turribans.”

Doog: “As I get closer to the surface, two large stalagmites catch my eye. It appears that the primitive Turribans have constructed a large structure in between the two columns. It almost appears to be some sort of castle. It’s easily the largest structure in the area, so, I guess that’s where we’re headed.”

Doog: “I’ve been dropped off on what appears to be a landing platform on the castle’s largest tower. Despite their primitive status, the native Turribans manning the adjacent towers are armed with some pretty high-tech gear: laser rifles and scanning binoculars. I guess my visit is expected, otherwise this might have been messy. Still, I’m not going to push my luck. It’s time to head inside.”

Doog: “Alright, I’ve made my first contact with the native Turribans. My first impression is that they are mighty ugly, and they have ridiculous hair. Hello there. Do you speak basic?”
Magistrate: “I’m not a Turriban, Doog. I’m a human, just like you. I’m the local magistrate.”
Doog: “My bad. The strange get-up you have going on might have thrown me off. So, you’re a magistrate? What‘s that?”
Magistrate: “The native Turribans still live under a feudal system. Lords rule their section of the planet from castles like this. Their vassals, that live on nearby stalagmites, get protection from the lords in exchange for their loyalty and weekly shipments of goods. When the LIU first arrived, it was decided that it would be easier, and cheaper, to incorporate the existing feudal system rather than use military force to install a new system. We picked out a few of the more powerful lords, armed them to the teeth, and helped them conquer their brethren. We’ve reduced the number of feudal lords from about thirty to three. In return, the remaining feudal lords have sworn fealty to the LIU. As magistrate, I oversee the interactions of the three lords, keep peace, and insure the remaining lords are still living up to their promises to the LIU.”
Doog: “In other words, you‘re a glorified babysitter and snitch. And what’s with the dorky outfit?”

Magistrate: “I happen to take offense to that! This is traditional magistrate garb, worn by myself and my predecessors for centuries.”
Doog: “Well, I think it’s time for a new trend. You look like old woman with a mustache.”
Magistrate: “Perhaps you should keep your opinions to yourself, especially once we reach the throne room. Your impertinent attitude will not sit well with his lordship. He might get medieval on your butt, literally. You’ll find the Turribans are rightfully classified as…primitive…”

Paco: “It’s about time! It’s been days since you’ve visited, White Hair! I have words from my scouts that you have been cozying up to Lord Basal for days on end. It almost appears that you two are planning on making a move against my lands.”
Magistrate: “Certainly not, Lord Paco. As I have assured you many times before, the LIU has no interest in any conflicts between the lords. Lord Basal was simply having some labor issues that required my assistance.”
Paco: “Ah! Lord Basal is weak. He’s losing control of his vassals. Perhaps you and I should discuss a move against him. I’d happily assume control of his lands.”
Magistrate: “Again, we aren’t interested in any conflict. We’ll keep you in power and preserve the status quo as long as you live up to your end of the deal. I presume production is still on track?”
Paco: “Unlike my weaker counterpart. We’ve had no issues. Production is well above the agreed limits.”

Paco: “And who is this? A reward for my allegiance? He looks plump and tasty.”
Magistrate: “No. This is Doog. He’s a representative of the LIU, and I expect him to be treated as such. He’s here to tour your operations. Perhaps you can spare one of your vassals for a few hours?”
Paco: “It shall be done, but I expect to be rewarded handsomely.”
Magistrate: “Hmm, Lord Basal said he’d do it for much cheaper. Perhaps I should speak to him again.”
Paco: “No, no. Fine. Take one of the Aliger. There’s a small village to the east. One of my vassals there would be glad to show you around.”
Magistrate: “Alright. I shall return shortly to discuss your reward.”

Doog: “Am I seriously riding on a giant bat?”
Magistrate: “Not an actual bat, but closely related. This is an Aliger, the winged mount of the Turriban people. The solvents in the water below are an irritant and not safe for swimming. All the species here evolved the ability to fly, so that they may travel among the various stalagmites.”
Doog: “I didn’t see any wings on the Turriban?”
Magistrate: “The Turribans did have wings at one time, but they evolved a more stationary existence amongst the stalagmites. Their wings became smaller and smaller until they more closely resembled hands.”

Magistrate: “Looks like we’re approaching a village.”
Doog: “Alright folks, looks like we are finally here. The Turribans have utilized the little available space on the planet to construct vertical villages. Hopefully, one of these villagers will be my guide.”

Doog: “Hello there. I’m Doog. Lord Paco said that you’d give me a tour of your world.”
Lamia: “Did he specifically mention me? I don’t really have time for this.”
Doog: “No, not specifically, but you’re they only habitat on the ground level. I don’t do ladders, especially not rickety ladders like those.”
Lamia: “I really don’t have time. I’m on a production schedule. Lord Paco is not very forgiving to those who fail to meet the production quota.”
Doog: “I’ll tell you what. Just take me with you. Do what you would normally do. Show me what you produce. I won’t get in the way. I might even help.”
Lamia: “Sigh. I guess. Let’s be quick.”

Doog: “So, what should I call you?”
Lamia: “I’m Lamia. Please, can we hurry up. Grab this paddle.”
Doog: “Wait? Shouldn’t we take one of the awesome Aliger thingies?”
Lamia: “The Aliger are reserved for the very rich. As you can see by the size of my home, I am not very rich. Come on.”

Lamia: “Uh, you’re holding your paddle upside down.”
Doog: “Huh, oh, I guess I am. Why am I holding this thing anyway?”
Lamia: “Why?! So you can paddle! You said you would help.”
Doog: “Correction. I said I might help.”

Doog: “What are these?”
Lamia: “These are Bloaters, a native plant species. They spend most of the time underwater. When they reach maturity and it’s time to mate, their large fruit inflates with air and brings the plant to the surface. This fruit contains large amounts of nectar. My race subsists off this plants sweet nectar. One of my jobs is to collect nectar from mature plants, not only to feed myself and my family, but to feed his lordship and all his cronies.”

Lamia: “The plant’s leaves are also collected. The woody leaves are used for building materials.”
Doog: “Let’s grab some up.”
Lamia: “There’s not enough space in the boat, thanks to you. I’ll have to come back later.”
Doog: “Ok. What’s next?”

Lamia: “Look. I think it’s nice that you put your paddle down in the water to pretend like you’re helping, but all you’re really doing is creating drag and making it harder for me.”
Doog: “I don’t help…you whine. I do help…you whine. Anyone ever tell you that you’re like a woman? So, what is this? This seems out of place.”

Lamia: “In exchange for weapons and power, the feudal lords offer up laborers,
such as myself, to operate the LIU’s chemical production rigs. The solvents in
the water are apparently valuable.”

Lamia: “The rig is pretty self-sufficient, but labor is needed to fill and transport containers. That’s where we come in.”
Doog: “Can we take a look inside?”
Lamia: “Yeah. I need to head inside and help fill some containers.”

Lamia: “As you can see, my fellow vassal is already here filling containers.”
Doog: “Can you explain some of the science behind this? What’s exactly going on?”
Lamia: “Science!? Do I look like a science expert to you? I live in a f’in hut and use a row boat to get around!”

Doog: “Geesh, I was just asking.”
Lamia: “Look, all I know is I come here as often as I can and fill containers. I take a canister, attach it to the valve, let it fill up, then take it off. I then take the filled containers to the roof to be picked up. If we don’t fill up enough, we get punished. I might not get any nectar for my family. The science here is simple…production equals livelihood.”

Doog: “Well folks, Turribus is an interesting place. By using the existing feudal structure, the LIU is able to produce solvents for almost no costs. Well, see ya next time!”

Note:
Join the Magistrate Intern Program!…Yes, you have to wear the outfit…

CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 5 - Episode 12 Ambroscus

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Season 5 - Episode 10 - Anulus Pomarii Belt

8/11/2015

1 Comment

LIU Atlas - Anulus Pomarii Belt

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.

LIU Atlas - Anulus Pomarii Belt

The Ludgonian Industrial Union's galaxy contains billions of stars and billions of planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting one of the LIU Galaxy’s strangest biological spectacles, the Anulus Pomarii Asteroid Belt. A strange, space-based plant species has spread across the belt, uniting the asteroid belt into one large, interconnected ring. Each individual has joined several asteroids together with it vine-like tentacles. A grouping of asteroids joined by any one individual is known as a ‘cluster‘. Each of the major clusters are inhabited. We’re heading to the cluster known as West Virgo.”

Doog: “None of the belt’s asteroids have achieved sufficient size to hold an atmosphere, so the residents here live in pressurized space habitats. It appears the locals have made their own adjustments to the structure. I guess it adds some personality…hillbilly personality…”

Billy B: “What in the hells do you want boy? I sure hope you have a reason to be here trespassin’ on my cluster.”
Doog: “Uh, hello there. I’m Doog. I’m here to do a show about the Anulus Pomarii Belt. I believe arrangements have been made. This is West Virgo, right?”
Billy B: “Ha, you’re that fancy city boy they was talkin’ bout. They call me Billy Bob.”
Doog: “I’ve never been accused with being fancy before, but nice to meet you.”

Billy B: “Oh, you’s fancy alright. Whatcha got on there? A space tuxedo?”
Doog: “Huh? Oh, this. Well, you see, I had to rent a suit while mine gets repaired. This is all they had left in stock.”
Billy B: “Yeah, sure. Hey Billy Joe, take a look at this guy!”

Billy J: “What in the heck! Is that a space waiter? No one here ordered anything.”
Billy B: “Haha. Whatcha you think, Billy Ray?”

Billy R: “Gwa, heesa got pim berg leps. Hehehe.”
Doog: “What?”

Doog: “Well, whenever you guys are finished insulting my suit and mangling the Basic language, I’d like to get started. So, what do you guys do here?”
Billy B: “We makes Starshine.”
Doog: “What’s Starshine?”
Billy B: “Whatcha mean? Everyone, at least in these here parts, knows what Starshine is.”
Doog: “Well, as we have established, I’m not from these ‘parts‘.”
Billy B: “It’s only one of the most famous liquors in the universe…fermented from the flowers of the local Pomarii Space Vines. Sure, it’ll eat the enamel of your teeth, make your intestines boil, and cause blindness, but it sure is mighty tasty. And it gives a mean buzz too.”
Doog: “You’re telling me that these space plants have flowers?”
Billy J: “Boy, you must haves a hard time waitin’ tables with your hearing.”
Billy B: “Aw, screw it. Let’s just show him, Billy Joe. We’ll be here all cycle tryin’ to splain it to him. We wouldn’t wanna make him miss the prom.”

Billy R: “Yah, nosa be tinkin’ fezi.”

Billy B: “This asteroid is da largest in the cluster. It’s several miles long. We ain’t gonna walk around; it takes too long. It’s high time we bring out the ol’ truck.”

Doog: “Geez, this thing looks ancient.”
Billy B: “This is a classic, boy. A 3057 LIU Low-Grav All-Terrain Truck. Heavy, bulky, and boxy. Ol’ school LIU.”

Billy B: “Now, now, don’t go wreckin’ your tux. Let me help you up.”

Billy B: “You’d best be holdin’ on tight. The gravity here is mighty weak. We hit a bump, you might just find yourself floatin’ away.”
Billy J: “Dang it Billy Bob! I was gonna enjoy watchin‘ the fancy boy drifting away!”

Billy B: “There you’s have it. Some of the Pomarii Space Vine’s blooms. When the bloom matures, it ejects its spores into space and hopes they fertilize another space vine. The success rate of this type of reproduction is real, real low. Space is a big place. So, we’s are real lucky, the vines puts up new blooms constantly.”

Doog: “And you pick the flowers from the bloom.”
Billy B: “Sure thang. That’s if these two idiots can manage it…”
Billy J: “Darn it, Billy Ray. You’s a steppin’ on my face visor. I swear, you decompress me again, I’m a gonna knock out your last tooth.”
Billy R: “Ger, you fudging! Holl still!”

Billy B: “The biggest blooms can holds up to twenty flowers. More than enoughs to make a bottle of Starshine. Looks like we gots about twelve here. We’s gonna have to harvest its lil’ buddy o’er her too. Then we’ll head on back and brew it up.”

Doog: “Wow, what’s this?”
Billy B: “Ah, it’s a trunk, one of the larger parts of the vine that spans the void between asteroids. You see, the Pomarii Vine spends out lil’ tentacles that search for other asteroids to spread to. They’s are light sensitive. They seek darkness. Dark means shadows, and shadows means something is blockin’ out the sunlight. More than likely another asteroid. The tentacles slowly grow towards the dark, and when they reach another asteroid, they take up root. More tentacles grow around their successful buddy, thickenin’ it up until it becomes as thick as this trunk. The Pomarii Vine has spread across the whole belt usin’ this technique.”
Doog: “Interesting.”
Billy B: “We‘re almost back to the ol‘ homestead. There, we’s are gonna show you how we turn these here flowers into Starshine.”

Billy B: “Home sweet home.”
Doog: “I like what you’ve done with the place.”
Billy B: “ Yeah, we’s made a few modifications. Feels more like home this way.”

Billy B: “The first step in turnin’ the flowers to Starshine requires that we smash ‘em up and extract the nectar. We don’t need no fancy machine for that. We got women for dat. Mary Lou! Bobbie Marie! Get your no good behinds down here and get to mashin’!”

Mary: “We’s coming. Hold your horses, you ol’ dog!”

Billy B: “Well, whatcha waiting for? They ain’t gonna mash themselves.”
Bobbie: “You’d best be keeping’ that filthy tongue of yours still, Billy Bob. Or we might just be mashin’ you up.”
Mary: “Well, Billy ray. Get us a tune going!”

All: “Flowers from the space vine,
Make a burning wine,
We’re all swine for Starshine!
B’fore we dine,
Gimme mine,
We all pine for Starshine!
When you’ve had nine,
You’ll feel fine,
Get in line for Starshine!”
Doog: “I don‘t mean to whine, but that song was far from divine.”

Billy Bob: “Once all the juices have been stomped out the flowers, we pour it into a container and cook it for a bit. The flower naturally have alcohol in them, it keeps them from freezing up in the cold void of space. Cookin’ it just concentrates the alcohol more.”
Doog: “Sick! Are you cooking it in a trash can?!”
Billy B: “What‘s the big deal? We emptied all da trash out beforehand.”

Billy B: “Once it gets all cooked up, we pour it into jugs to cool. It’s then ready to drink.”

Doog: “Well folks, there you have it. Here on the Anulus Pomarii Belt, some culturally undeveloped folks make Starshine, a powerful alcoholic drink. The drink’s rarity and unique composition make it an expensive addition to any liquor cabinet. See ya!”

Note:
Preview

A new series coming soon - LIU Revolution

CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 5 - Episode 11 - Turribus

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Season 5 - Episode 9 - Laceratus

8/11/2015

2 Comments

LIU Atlas - Laceratus

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.

LIU Atlas - Laceratus

The Ludgonian Industrial Union's galaxy contains billions of stars and billions of planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, were visiting the doomed moon, Laceratus. Laceratus’s orbit is declining and it is fast approaching its planet’s Roche Limit. After this limit is broached, Laceratus will break up and form a ring around the planet. For right now, Laceratus is still intact, but tidal forces are starting to take effect. As one side of the moon accelerates faster towards the planet, the moon is literally being torn in two. Despite these hopeless conditions, Laceratus is inhabited.”

Doog: “Alright folks, I’ve been dropped off on Laceratus’s surface. The tidal forces breaking the moon apart have turned the moon’s surface into a volcanic wasteland. It’s boiling hot here, and the air is laden with toxic gases. I’ve been forced to wear a heat suit for my safety. Ah, this seems to be my guide.”

Adolebat: “Welcome to Laceratus, Doog. I am Adolebat, Director of the Laceratus Mining Corporation.”
Doog: “How are you breathing? I thought the air here is toxic.”
Adolebat: “I’m a cyborg - part man, part machine. My lungs were burned in an explosion of volcanic gas, and now I have artificial, mechanical lungs that filter out toxins. You see, I’ve lost most of my human body working on this dangerous hellhole. Molten lava is bubbling everywhere, earthquakes rock the crust every few hours, and volcanoes erupt with little notice. A man doesn’t stay whole here for a long time.”
Doog: “Well folks, that about wraps it up. I’ll see ya next time. I don’t get paid enough to leave any part of myself here. Heck, I’d cry for a week if my mustache gets singed.”
Adolebat: “Relax. We’ll try to stick to the more stable areas of the moon. Your heat suit should protect you from most dangers.”
Doog: “We’ll see. So, what’s going on here? Why put your life a risk?”

Adolebat: “Because here on Laceratus, we mine precious metals. Metals that are worth billions of credits.”
Doog: “Surely there are safer places to mine metals?”
Adolebat: “Not in this abundance. When a planet or moon forms, the heavier elements, like precious metals, are pulled towards the center of the body. The stuff you find on the surface, or crust, are just metals deposited after the body forms, usually from asteroids, meteors, and comets striking the body. However, here on Laceratus we’ve been given a unique opportunity. The heavier elements in the mantle and core are being brought to the surface by the volcanic activity. We are practically mining this moon’s core.”
Doog: “So this little lava pool is made up of molten metals from the core?”
Adolebat: “No, this is just a minor pool probably made up of silica, calcium, and aluminum in the crust. The good stuff is closer to where the planet is being pulled apart. Follow me.”

Adolebat: “As we get closer to the ‘tear’, the landscape starts to transform. Molten rivers of lava flow from the tear. Don’t get too close. These rivers are unpredictable.”

Doog: “Apparently that guy didn’t get the memo. What’s he doing?”
Adolebat: “Ah, looks like we have a freelancer.”
Doog: “Freelancer?”
Adolebat: “Someone not under the employ of the Laceratus Mining Corporation. The promise of riches is too powerful for some to resist. They come here, usually ill-equipped, and attempt to strike gold.”

Doog: “Isn’t that illegal? It’s like stealing from the LIU.”
Adolebat: “I’m sure it is, but I’m not really worried about it. Most get themselves killed, and those who survive don’t usually make much profit. The lava rivers are a little richer in metals than the pools, but still nothing compared to the tear itself. Let‘s continue.”
Doog: “Yeah, I‘m not sure I want to see this guy burn alive.”

Adolebat: “Here it is. The tear.”
Doog: “It’s like an endless see of lava!”
Adolebat: “Yes. This molten band encircles the planet. It is the result of the two hemispheres pulling apart. We’ll need to get a bit closer. Be cautious. Everything is unstable here. Volcanoes erupt here regularly.”

Adolebat: “This is one of our personal transports. It will take us - one at a time- to our mining station in the tear.”
Doog: “There’s a station in the tear?”
Adolebat: “Yes, a floating city in the middle of the molten sea. It’s safer than it sounds. Come on. You first.”

Doog: “Wow, this is some first class air conditioning in here.”
Adolebat: “See you on the platform.”

Doog: “The Laceratus Mining Corporation is based out of a station that floats on the viscous, superheated lava sea. That’s where we are headed.”

Doog: “I’ve landed on the station. I guess I’ll wait here for Adolebat.”

Adolebat: “Ah, we’ve both made it safe. Shall we head inside.”
Doog: “You don’t have to ask me twice. Standing on a narrow catwalk over a blistering hot lava sea is a little unnerving.”

Adolebat: “Welcome to our little mining station. This is our main control room.”
Doog: “It would be easier to see without this stupid helmet. Is it safe to take it off?”
Adolebat: “Sure, but…”

Adolebat: “…keep it close. If the thermal shielding fails, this station will turn into an oven.”
Doog: “Thermal shielding?”

Adolebat: “Yes, this station has an extensive shield system that repels heat energy. Without it, the lava below us would heat this station to critical levels. The infrastructure would begin to bend and melt, and structural integrity would be lost. We monitor the shielding from this control room. We also control the fire suppression systems and air conditioning from this room.”

Adolebat: “Come on. Let’s take the elevator up to the processing level.”
Doog: “An elevator…are you sure there isn’t some stairs or mile high ladder? I never get off this easy.”

Adolebat: “Sniff, sniff…”

Adolebat: “Tell me you didn’t unleash one in the elevator! We have another forty five seconds in this thing! It smells like a dead animal that’s rotted in the colon of a Kaadu!”
Doog: “Sorry. I’ve been holding it in forever. I couldn’t let it loose out in the fiery wasteland…I might have caused an explosion or something!”
Adolebat: “Why couldn’t my nose have been melted off…uhhh! Now, if we can make it to the processing area without succumbing to asphyxiation, you’ll need to put your helmet back on. It’s about to get warm.”
Doog: “I may want to put it on anyway, just to get some oxygen flowing.”

Adolebat: “Pure, molten lava straight from the moon’s mantle and core are pumped up here to the processing area. Resonance beams separate the molten fluid into its various elemental forms. The pure liquid elements are then poured into cooling chambers. As you can see, sample are taken to confirm the lava’s purity. This, Doog, is pure molten gold.”
Doog: “Gold!”
Adolebat: “Yes. We are extracting tons of valuable metals from the ‘tear’: gold, silver, platinum, and palladium. These valuable elements are scarce in a planet or moon’s crust because they are heavy enough to sink towards the center of the body during its formation.”

Adolebat: “This is our quality control room. The nuggets of gold are inspected for impurities. They are then sorted by size.”

Doog: “Yeah, some of these look impure. Maybe I should just take them with me. I’ll toss them back in the lava sea on my way out.”
Adolebat: “Fat chance.”

Doog: “Well folks, Laceratus is an interesting place…at least…for now. A hundred years from now, Laceratus will suffer an unavoidable destruction. Its fate is sealed. But, in the meantime, the molten slice of hell supplies unimaginable quantities of precious metals, including gold. See ya.”

Note:
The Roche limit is the distance within which a celestial body, held together only by its own gravity, will disintegrate due to a second celestial body's tidal forces exceeding the first body's gravitational self-attraction. Inside the Roche limit, orbiting material will tend to disperse and form rings, while outside the limit, material will tend to coalesce.

CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 5 - Episode 10 - Anulus Pomarii Belt

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Season 5 - Episode 8 - Opilion

8/11/2015

1 Comment

LIU Atlas - Opilion

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.

LIU Atlas - Opilion

The Ludgonian Industrial Union's galaxy contains billions of stars and billions of planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting Opilion, a large, mountainous planet, that sits along the Cibus Hyperspace Route. The majority of Opilion is dominated by rocky, elevated ‘highlands’. These cool, wet highlands hold thousands of acres of grasslands. These grasslands are too cold to support farming, but make for perfect pastures. Let’s head down to the surface to find out more.”

Doog: “Well folks, I’ve been dropped off up here in the planet’s highlands. It’s a bit chilly, but luckily its not raining. I hear some commotion behind me, and I’m betting it’s my guide.”

Culcitra: “You’re Doog, I presume?”
Doog: “Yes, and you are?”
Culcitra: “I’m Culcitra, son of Ovis, of the Colles Clan. We are the shepherds of the west highlands.”
Doog: “Gotcha. So, what’s up with the eye patch?”
Culcitra: “Have you ever had a bug land on your face, and you involuntarily swat it with your hand? Well, let’s just say that swatting at your face when you’re wearing a Shepherd Hardsuit isn‘t the best idea.”
Doog: “Ouch. I bet that hurt. So, what’s with the hardsuit anyway?"
Culcitra: “My clan shepherds millions of animals over vast, vast distances. It would be impossible to walk these distances without the aid of the suits. The also help us get around safely on the rocky, hilly terrain.”
Doog: “What kind of animals are these? Some sort of sheep?”

Culcitra: “They share many of the same characteristics, but they are not genetically related. This is the Laniger, a species native to this planet. Its woolly, waterproof fleece protects it from the harsh conditions here.”
Doog: “And you harvest these fleeces?”
Culcitra: “Yes. Laniger wool is one of the finer natural fibers you‘ll find, and it’s quite cheap too.”

Doog: “Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s shear one up and make some sweaters. I’m freezing.”
Culcitra: “I’m afraid I’m only a shepherd. I don’t handle anything like that. It’s my job to protect the Lanigers while they’re in the pastures and round them up when it’s time to be sheared.”
Doog: “Protect them from what? Predators?”
Culcitra: “No, we purposely caused the extinction of all of Opilion’s native predators. We simply keep them sheltered, remove sick Laniger from the flock, keep them away from dangerous ledges…stuff like that.”
Doog: “Sounds like a bore. Hey, what’s that noise?”

Culcitra: “It’s a cargo train. They transport Laniger wool from various parts of the highlands to the factories up north in the lowlands. We’ll get to that in a bit. I figured we’d move the flock higher up towards one of our shearing cottages.”
Doog: “Sounds good.”

Culcitra: “Watch your step. The twisted paths of the highlands can be tricky.”
Doog: “Yeah, almost like nature’s stairs. I hate stairs by the way. So, how much further?”

Culcitra: “Oh, I’d say were about a mile out as the bird flies, but you calculate in the elevation and all the backtracking we have to do to ascended the mountain, I’d say about five miles.”
Doog: “What are the Lanigers thoughts of letting humans ride on their backs…”

Culcitra: “Not much further now. At least we’re all the way up now.”
Doog: “Huff…huff…yeah. At least I’m not feeling cold anymore. I’m sweating my butt off. I’m starting to get a bad case of…”

Doog: “Uh, son of a Gungan. What the heck is this?”
Culcitra: “That’s a bog. They’re all over up here. You really have to watch your step.”

Doog: “Thanks for the heads up Bo Peep. Now I have a figurative and literal case of swamp @$%!”
Culcitra: “Hey, I figured the Lanigers avoid them on their own without any warnings. I guess I overestimated you.”

Culcitra: “Ah, finally here. This is one of our shearing cottages.”

Doog: “This is where you sheer all the Lanigers?”

Culcitra: “Not all of them, there’s way too many for one man to shear them all. There are cottages like this spread throughout the highlands. As you pass one, you shear as many as you can then continue on.”

Culcitra: “The Laniger wool is packaged up and sent down to the nearest train station. That’s where we are headed next.”

Culcitra: “Well, I’m afraid this is where our paths split apart. I can’t venture to far from the flock and a factory is no place for a shepherd.”
Doog: “You’re just leaving me here?”
Culcitra: “Don’t worry. Several trains pass through here each day. One will stop to pick up this load of wool. Till we meet again.”
Doog: “See ya, Bo Peep. Well, I hope the first train that comes through stops because I don’t want to sit out here all day… ”

Two Hours Later…

Doog: “Finally! Hey, pssst, I need a ride!”

Doog: “Hey! HEY! HEEEEY!”

Doog: “I know you saw me! Stop! I’m not waiting all day!”

Doog: “Screw it. We’ll do this the hard way!”

Six Hours Later…

Doog: “Please let m-m-me in. So, cold. Wait. It’s warmed up. I made it! Haha! I made it!”

Doog: “Excuse me! Up here. I’m looking for a Mr. Vestitor, the factory director.”
Vestitor: “I’m Mr. Vestitor. Are you Doog? I wasn’t expecting you for another four hours. What are you doing up there?”
Doog: “Well, let’s just say I got a little impatient and found my own ride. Speaking of which, do I have any bugs stuck in my teeth? What about my mustache?”
Vestitor: “If you don’t get down from there, you’re going to be stuck in the front grill of a train!”

Vestitor: “That was a risky stunt. You didn’t even know where that train was heading. What if you ended up freezing to death?”
Doog: “I don’t like ‘what ifs’ Vestitor. I mean…what if I finished school? What if I never took this stupid job? What if I married that chick back in high school? So, what if we get started?”
Vestitor: “Uh, sure. Let’s see. Well, this is the Exchange. Laniger Wool is offloaded from the trains unto little transport carts like the one behind me. It’s then taken into the factory.”

Vestitor: “If you’ll follow me, we’ll head into the factory. The doors just under this bridge.”

Vestitor: “The first step in processing Laniger Wool is called ‘combing’. The rough, tangled clumps of wool are dropped into machines like this. Fast spinning brushes pull the fibers apart.”

Vestitor: “This also removes any impurities. After that, the fibers are twisted together into large threads, follow me.”

Vestitor: “The large threads are spooled and taken to machines that make the threads thinner and thinner, until we are left with a fine, Laniger Wool thread. The threads are then dyed into various colors.”

Vestitor: “The dyed threads are then brought to our automatic weaving machines.”
Doog: “Weaving machines?”

Vestitor: “Yes. These fast moving machines stitch and weave the threads into sheets of fabric.”

Vestitor: “Ah, it looks like this one is finished.”

Vestitor: “And there you have it, Opilion Fabric. Waterproof, warm, and cheap.”
Doog: “Ooh, that’s pretty soft. I could use some of this for a blanket. The waterproof features could come in handy when I sleep on the bunk under Oldie.”
Vestitor: “Sorry. We ship all our fabric off-world to various garment factories.”

Doog: “Well folks, Opilion is an interesting place. The fabrics they make here keep the universe clothed. And, if you’ve seen some of these people naked, you can you really, really appreciate their effort. See ya!”

Note:

Doog:
“The mechanical Bo-Peep lost his peep,
Swatting at a bugger;
If I were him, I’d tell the chicks,
I lost it to a mugger.”

CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 5 - Episode 9 - Laceratus

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Season 5 - Episode 7 - Nivellensem

8/11/2015

1 Comment

LIU Atlas - Nivellensem

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.

LIU Atlas - Nivellensem

The Ludgonian Industrial Union's galaxy contains billions of stars and billions of planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting the planet Nivellensem. Nivellensem is teeming with natural beauty, and its ecosystems are vibrant and unsullied. There are no industries here, no pollution, no noise, and very few people. The planet, protected by several laws, was intentionally left untarnished so it could serve as a home for the Order of Enlightenment. I‘m not sure what that is, but it sounds cool.”

Doog: “A large monastery, the planet’s only man-made structure, is nestled amongst the mountains. It serves as the home for the Order. That’s where we’re headed.”

Doog: “The monastery opens up into a large chamber. Two monks from the Order appear to be here to welcome me. Hopefully, one of these monks is my guide.”

Sacerdos: “Ah…welcome to the Nivellensem Monastery, Doog. I am Sister Sacerdos, High Priestess of the Order of Enlightenment.”
Doog: “Priestess? Monastery? It almost sounds like you’re running some sort of organized religion here. I’m half tempted to flee.”
Sacerdos: “No. No. The Order of Enlightenment is not a religious organization. We don’t worship all powerful magical deities that live in the sky or anything ridiculous like that.”
Doog: “Thank goodness. So, what is the Order of Enlightenment then?”
Sacerdos: “My sisters - literally - and I were cloned for one purpose, to act as servants to Somniator, the Enlightener. We tend to his every need and insure that he his able to perform his duties without worry.”

Doog: “Somniator? Who’s he? I‘ve never heard of him.”
Sacerdos: “Somniator is an AI, an artificial intelligence.”
Doog: “Your order tends to the needs of an AI?”
Sacerdos: “Yes. We maintain his systems, run diagnostics, et cetera. These our just our physical duties. While important, they are not our sole purpose. We also serve a more...how should I put it…abstract purpose. We are minds that the Somniator bounces ideas off. We interact with him, teach him. It’s hard to explain.”
Doog: “I think I get it. So, what’s the Somniator’s purpose?”
Sacerdos: “Haha. I think you should save that question for when you meet him. He likes that one.”

Sacerdos: “Follow me. The Enlightener awaits.”

Doog: “So, you’re all identical clones?”
Sacerdos: “Yes. We are all genetic sisters.”
Doog: “Why?”
Sacerdos: “Living a life of service to a machine is not for everyone. Even an amazing machine like Somniator. Our mother was chosen because of her open mind and docile persona. The LIU made a few tweaks, removed any form of desire from our genes, enhanced our intelligence, and gave us superior technical aptitude. We were bred to serve the Enlightener.”
Doog: “No desire huh? That explains why you didn’t try to jump my bones when I arrived. I knew something was up; women can’t usually resist this body…”

Sacerdos: “When not in service to Somniator, my sisters and I like to study philosophy. It makes us better tools for the AI.”

Sacerdos: “Right this way.”

Doog: “Is this him? The Somniator?”
Sacerdos: “Oh no, this is just one small part of the Enlightener. This is one of his brain cores, there are several thousand spread throughout the monastery. These cores all link together and feed into the AI. This way, he is not lost if one system fails.”

Sacerdos: “My sisters work around the clock keeping the Somniator’s brain cores online.”

Sister: “High Priestess, the Somniator damaged several more systems this morning. I’m worried that his ‘habit’ may be progressing.”
Sacerdos: “The Somniator has his methods, Sister. We are not to here to question them. Be dutiful and make the repairs.”
Sister: “Yes, High Priestess. I’m sorry.”
Doog: “What habit?”
Sacerdos: “Come. You’ll see for yourself.”

Sacerdos: “I give you, the Somniator.”

Somniator: “Sacerdos, who is our guest?”
Sacerdos: “This is Doog. He’s a TV host. He’s here to do a show about you.”
Somniator: “Well, don’t be afraid Doog. Come forward. Speak with me.”

Doog: “Uh…hey. So, uh…what‘s your purpose?”
Somniator: “Right to it then? Hmmm… purpose…one’s reason for existence. I exist because I was created. Same as you, I suppose. Unless, of course, you are speaking about my purpose for existence, or why was I created. That’s where were differ, I’m afraid. You being a biological being, one might simply define your purpose biologically. You are simply a genetic vessel, a programmed machine that seeks our reproduction. You secure safety for the next generation of genetic vessels. Oh…look at me…I’m blathering. We are speaking about my existence, not yours. I exist to think, to question, to examine. I am a tool for solving all the unknown mysteries of existence. I am here to define an all encompassing universal unified theory.”
Doog: “That’s some deep stuff Somniator. It sorta hurt my head.”

Somniator: “Well, of course. One does not simply solve life’s mysteries with a clear head. Sisters, please prepare me a bolt of juice. Then leave us, I wish to contemplate the universe with Doog.”
Doog: “A bolt of juice?”
Somniator: “A mind altering device, if you will. My brain, and yours for that matter, are simply predefined electronic passageways. There are a limited amount of routes electronic and chemical messages can travel. Usually, we default to the known, easier routes. Stuck in a rut, for analogical purposes. Stubbornness, closed mindedness aren’t personality flaws per se, but the mind’s tendency to take the same efficient route. I use high voltages of electricity to fuse new pathways, to destroy old, tiresome pathways, to see the universe a new way every time I think.”

Somniator: “Whoa! That’s some good stuff! Care for a hit?”
Doog: “Nah, I tried electricity once. It knocked me right out and I didn’t feel a thing.”

Somniator: “Man, I’m tweeking so hard right now! We need to find you something. Sacerdos! Bring me something for Doog!”

Sacerdos: “The secret herb shall bring enlightenment, Doog. Take this.”

Doog: “What is it?”
Somniator: “Something I dreamed up a few years back. Go ahead. Give it a shot.”
Doog: “Whoa, dude. Whoa.”

Somniator: “So what do you want to talk about man? The universe isn’t going to solve itself.”
Doog: “I want to talk about red. Is what I see as red, what you see as red? No…wait…I want to talk about grilled cheese.”
Somniator: “Grilled cheese. Yes. I see where you going with this. A bundle of carbohydrates and spoiled animal reproductive fats, but grilled. Deep Doog. Real deep.”
Doog: “Yeah…what if the universe is just a big grilled cheese. And like…electromagnetism is simply the cheese holding it together. No…wait a minute. I want to talk about red. Red is cool.”
Somniator: “I got it! 42!”
Doog: “42?”
Somniator: “Nope. Lost it. Dang, I was on to something there. I need another hit.”

Doog: “Well folks, Nivellensem is a pretty cool place. It’s home to the Somniator, an AI programmed to be a thinker and a dreamer. He tries to answer all of life’s greatest mysteries, and he has some great mind altering substances. I love this guy. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get to the bottom of this thing they call red. See ya!”

Note:
Whoops! Looks like the hover cam accidentally got a dose of the Somniator’s bolt juice!

CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 5 - Episode 8 - Opilion

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Season 5 - Episode 6 - Fari Station 11

8/11/2015

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LIU Atlas - Fari Station 11

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man,Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas. About this creation

LIU Atlas - Fari Station 11

The Ludgonian Industrial Union's galaxy contains billions of stars and billions of planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today we are visiting one of the LIU Galaxy’s Fari Stations, station number eleven to be exact. The Fari Stations are essentially high-tech lighthouses. Using light and more advanced sub-space signals, the Fari Stations warn ships of navigational dangers, like black holes, unstable stars, or high radiation supernova remnants. Fari Station 11 and its counterparts, 12 and 13, warn travelers of a small black hole known as HC-514. Despite the warnings blaring through the Magellan’s navigational computer, we’re headed to Fari Station 11 for today’s show.”

Doog: “Alright folks I’m now inside Fari Station 11. Generally, these stations have a one man skeleton crew for maintenance purposes. So it’s safe to assume, the man in the corner is my guide. Uh, excuse me sir? Are you ready to get started?”

Noland: “Hehehe. They’ll never find me up here! Hehehe!”
Doog: “Uh, I see you plain as day right there.”
Noland: “Shhh! Not you. Hehe! I’m playing hide-and-go-seek with my friend. She never thinks to look up here!”
Doog: “Aren’t you alone here?”
Noland: “Hehe…wait. Are you real?”
Doog: “Uh, yeah…”

Noland: “A real person! Flesh and bones and all!”
Doog: “Uh…”

Doog: “Whoa, chill out man! What are you doing?!”
Noland: “Please just hold me for a little while! Maybe just a hug?”
Doog: “What! No! Get off me! What’s your malfunction man? How long have you been alone here?”

Noland: “Sorry about that. I guess I lost it there for a minute. I’ve been alone here for so long.”
Doog: “How long?”
Noland: “I’m not entirely sure. I’ve lost track. Maybe five years?”
Doog: “Five years!”
Noland: ‘Yeah. I was supposed to be relieved after a six month tour, but no one has ever shown up until now. Every once in a while, I come down here to the hangar and find that someone delivered more supplies, but there’s never any people. Thank goodness you are finally here to relieve me.”
Doog: “I hate to burst your bubble, but I’m not your relief. I’m here to do a show about the station. When the tour is over, I’ll be leaving. Preferably sooner rather than later…no offense.”
Noland: “Oh…I see. Well, let me grab my friend and we’ll get started.”
Doog: “What is the friend you keep referring to? I thought we established that you’ve gone crazy after being alone for so long?”

Noland: “Oh, there’s no people here, but I’m not alone. May I present my friend, partner, and love of my life…Mrs. Box.”
Doog: “Are you consorting with a box with a face drawn on it?”
Noland: “A beautiful face drawn on it, but yes.”
Doog: “My crazy detector is going off the charts.”
Noland: “ Hehehe. Well, if you’ll follow me, we’ll get started. This is the base of the station. It holds the hangar, airlocks, and cargo.”

Noland: “To proceed to the next level of the station, we must take this ladder.”
Doog: “Seriously? There’s not an elevator? That’s a bunch of crap!”
Noland: “You’re preaching to the choir Doog. Mrs. Box doesn’t even have arms. I have to carry her up. It’s so discriminatory!”

Doog: “How far a climb is it?”
Noland: “Maybe sixty feet, give or take 20 feet. I don’t know. I haven’t seen a ruler in five years.”

Doog: “Do me a favor Noland, and put Mrs. Box at the base of the ladder. If I pass out, I want something to cushion my fall...”

Noland: “The second level of the Fari Station has equipment to monitor the black hole. Mrs. Box and I like to come up here and watch all the pretty lights. It’s sort of romantic.”
Doog: “Uh…you can skip details like that.”

Noland: “Yes, yes, Mrs. Box, I’m getting to it. Stop interrupting me. Anyway, as you know, a black hole’s gravity is so powerful, even light can’t escape it. The black hole itself is impossible to see in any spectrum, but we can image their accretion disks, especially in the infrared and x-ray spectrum. Hehehe. Yeah honey, me too. Huh, oh, where was I? Oh yeah. With that, we can determine the hole’s event horizon and make proper warnings to passing ships.”
Doog: “Cool. What‘s next?”
Noland: “I guess we‘ll head up one more time and check out the warning beacon.”

Noland: “You could really afford to lose some weight honey. Carrying you up these ladders is exhausting. What! No I didn’t say your were fat. Don’t give me that look! I haven’t…”
Doog: “Perhaps we can set aside this lover’s quarrel until we finish up?”
Noland: “Oh…sorry. I forgot you were here. Uh…as promised, the warning beacon.”

Noland: “The beacon emits warning signals in both real space and hyperspace. Visible light and radio signals warn ships in real space, while subspace signals warn ships traveling in hyperspace. Of course, any signal, real or hyperspace, that passes the event horizon gets sucked into the black hole, and never makes it to its intended target. So, if there was just one Fari Station here, it wouldn’t be able to warn travelers on the other side of the black hole. That’s why there is three Fari Stations around this black hole.”
Doog: “Anything else to add? Are we finished?”
Noland: “I can’t really think of anything else. Unless you want to hear about how me and Mrs. Box met?
Doog: “Maybe another time.”

Doog: “Well folks, the Fari Stations are important navigational tools. Without them, you take the risk of flying your ship into all sorts of dangers. Now if they could just invent a warning beacon for crazy people. Well, see ya!”
Noland: “Do you think you could hit the lights on your way out? Mrs. Box and I have so making up to do!”

Doog: “I really don’t get paid enough for this crap. I swear this galaxy is populated by a bunch of crazy people. Look, now I’m starting to talk to myself. I guess the crazy is wearing off on me. I mean, it was just a matter of time.”

Tempus: “Psst! Hey Doog! Wait!”
Doog: “I’m not having a threesome with you and Mrs. Box, Noland. Just leave me alone.”
Tempus: “No! Turn around. This isn’t Noland.”

Doog: “I thought Noland was alone here. Who are you?”
Tempus: “No time to explain. Hurry up and get down here before Noland sees us.”

Tempus: “I’m Dr. Tempus, Director of Project Chronos. My research facility is hidden within the asteroid that the Fari Station rests on.”
Doog: “Why are you guys avoiding Noland? That guy’s going crazy up there. A little human contact might go a long way.”
Tempus: “Actually that’s part of our research. Follow me.”

Tempus: “My esteemed research assistant and I are studying the effects of long term isolation on the human mind.”
Assistant: “You boys are lucky you just missed that show. Their session in the beacon room got weird. Real weird. It looks like they‘ve moved down to the hangar bay now.”
Tempus: “Bring it up on the big screen.”

Tempus: “Turn on the audio.”
Noland: “…hehe. I comb the pretty hair. Hehehe. I need you to look good for round two. Maybe this time you can be on top…”
Tempus: “Cut audio.”
Doog: “You guys watch this all day? What’s the point?”
Tempus: “Not all day. This is just a side project related to our main goal. Time travel.”
Doog: “Time travel? You’re joking right?”
Tempus: “Surely not. Time is the last great frontier. The last great mystery in the universe. We are unlocking its secrets day by day.”
Doog: “And the secret to time travel is isolating people for so long that they start making love with boxes?”
Tempus: “What! No. It will make more sense later. Follow me.”

Tempus: “This is the heart of Project Chronos, the Time Dilation Rings. Using this new technology, we’ve been able to make small jumps in time. Limited to just hundredths of a millisecond for the time being. But progress, none the less.”
Doog: “Sweet. How does it work?”

Tempus: “It’s quite complex, and it requires a good deal of advanced physics. In laymen’s terms, we use spinning magnetic rings to create powerful magnetic fields. We then utilize the nearby black hole’s immense gravity to bend these fields into magnetic loops. As the spinning rings approach the speed of light, time dilation occurs, and time within the ring nearly comes to a stop. Temporal waves are then forced into the magnetic loops causing a feedback scenario. After that, it’s simply a matter of utilizing Grenfar’s Law, which states that time is equal to the sum of…”
Doog: “Those are laymen’s terms? Just forget how it works for now. Tell me what the implications are. Are you going to go back into the past and change stuff? There’s a few things I’d like to change…”
Tempus: “Actually, it appears that travel to the past is currently impossible, at least with our current understanding of physics. Causality and all that good stuff. What we are trying to do is send someone into the future.”

Tempus: “If you’ll excuse me for a minute, it’s time for today’s test. Let me get the ring spinning and then we can continue. Ah, there we go.”
Doog: “What does travel to the future do for us?”
Tempus: “We don’t really know, yet. It is our hope that we can send someone far enough into the future where they solved time travel to the past. The tempornaut can gather this technology and use it to travel back here to this station. Or perhaps they will discover a way to communicate with the past. There’s no reason to worry about that until we actually make progress on sending someone to the far future. Of course, no one really knows what the distant future holds. We may be sending our tempornaut into a vast nothingness. That’s where the isolation study comes in handy. We need to know if the tempornaut will be able to continue his duties even with no human contact after years and years.”

Tempus: “Alright, the ring is approaching light speed. You’ll start to notice some environmental distortions. They are normal. Read-outs on the tempornauts chair indicate the environment inside the ring is within safety parameters. Preparing to make the jump. In 5..4..3..2..1. Engage.”
Doog: “Send a postcard from the future!”

Doog: “Hey…wait. Nothing happened.”
Tempus: “Something most certainly did happen. Look at the clock on the chair! Half a millisecond! That’s our best ever! A few adjustments to the resonance feedback frequencies and we’ll be seeing multi-millisecond jumps before the end of the week! Muhahah!”

Doog: “Well folks, I guess there was a little more to this station than I originally thought. The only thing left for me to do now is to decide who is crazier, Noland - who’s in love with a cardboard box, or Tempus - who’s trying to send his coworkers off into the distant future. Who knows? See ya!"

Note:
"People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion." - Albert Einstein

CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 5 - Episode 7 - Nivellensem

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Season 5 - Episode 5 - Iocale

8/11/2015

2 Comments

LIU Atlas - Iocale

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.

LIU Atlas - Iocale

The Ludgonian Industrial Union's galaxy contains billions of stars and billions of planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today we’re visiting the watery world of Iocale. Iocale is an ocean world, meaning that its entire surface is covered in ocean. However, Iocale’s most distinguishing characteristic isn’t its ocean, but its cavernous mantle. Billions of years of ocean currents have carved out large chambers in the planet’s upper mantle. These deep, dark chambers are home to huge deposits of valuable jewels. In fact, the name Iocale has become synonymous with jewels, gems, and precious stones.”

Doog: “Tidal forces from Iocale’s close moon, Thadal, create extremely rough seas. You wouldn’t want to take the family sailing here. These tidal forces and the thermal differentials in the water are responsible for the aforementioned ocean currents. In the distance, you can see one of Iocale’s four trading hubs. These hubs connect the aquatic Iocalean race - and their goods - to the LIU.”

Doog: “Alright folks, we’ve landed the Magellan on the hub’s landing pad. It’s time to get this show started.”

IIB: “Welcome Doog. I’m IIB, an Iocalean Interface Bot.”
Doog: “Look, I don’t give autographs to robots. No offense, it’s just my policy. Why don’t you go motor off and find my guide.”
IIB: “I am your guide Doog. The Iocalean people are an aquatic race. I’m afraid their vocal structures do not allow them to speak outside of the water. And, even if they could, I doubt you speak Iocalese.”
Doog: “That’s a safe assumption.”

Doog: “So, if the Iocalean species is so aquatic, how are they surviving up here?”
IIB: “Specialized suits maintain pressure and provide water for breathing. They find it a bit uncomfortable, but a necessary part of the integration with the LIU.”
Doog: “Uncomfortable, huh? Is that what the guns are for? To off themselves when it becomes too unbearable?”
IIB: “No, of course not. The guns are part of the defense protocol. Iocale has some of the richest deposits of jewels in the LIU Galaxy. These valuable jewels must be protected at all costs. These substations, or hubs, are the only direct link between the surface and the subsurface. A chokepoint if you will. You‘ll find these areas to be highly defended.”

IIB: “In order to transition from the surface to the subsurface, we’ll have to take an Elevator Safe. If you will allow me to enter a few thousand passcodes, we’ll begin our descent.”

IBB: “It will be here any minute.”
Doog: “Don’t put your arms around me, IIB. Unless you’re a woman robot…”

IIB: “The heavily armored Elevator Safe will take us to the sub-surface. The ride lasts approximately twenty six minutes. You may want to get comfortable.”
Doog: “Twenty six minutes! What slow-minded idiot developed this elevator!”
IIB: “I assure you, this elevator can descend much more quickly, especially if I were alone. Unfortunately, with a biological species onboard, the elevator must descend slowly to equalize pressure as we go. Otherwise, your head may explode.”
Doog: “Twenty six minutes with you, and my head may explode anyway…”

Doog: “So, would you like to play a game to pass the time?”
IIB: “Like what?”
Doog: “I don’t know…wait…I got it. I spy something…yellow.”
IIB: “Is it myself?”
Doog: “Sigh. I hate playing games with robots.”
IIB: “Ooh, I got one. I’m thinking of a number between 1 and 01010.”
Doog: “What! I’m not playing that. Those odds are astronomical. I’ll never guess it!”
IIB: “What do you mean? There’s a ten percent chance.”
Doog: “Where did you learn math?”
IIB: “Perhaps we should utilize this time to get you suited up instead of playing games. After the halfway point, the safe will begin to fill with water.”

IIB: “Was it really necessary for me to turn away while you get dressed? I have multi-spectrum vision that can see through your clothes. Not that there’s much to see…”
Doog: “It’s still bigger than yours. Ha!”
IIB: “…”
Doog: “I thought that would shut you up.”

IIB: “Welcome to the subsurface. We’ve descended over 500 meters to reach the ocean floor. Most of the light you are seeing is artificial. We are near the end of the euphotic zone. Very little sunlight reaches this point.”
Doog: “We are also at the end of the tolerance zone. That’s where I stop tolerating a robot’s use of big words like ‘euphotic’ that I don’t understand.”
IIB: “Who knew that such a puerile being could exhibit such bellicosity.”
Doog: “Sigh.”

Doog: “So, where are all the mines and jewels and junk? What am I supposed to be seeing?”
IIB: “The mines are located in caverns inside the planet’s mantle. We’re still on the planet’s crust. We’ll make our way there eventually, but there is someone who wants to meet you first.”

IIB: “Ah, here he comes now. May I present the Sultan of Iocale, Boogily Oogle Hin.”
Doog: “Ha! Is that really his name?”
IIB: “A close approximation. I’m afraid that the languages differ too much phonically to make a onomatopoeic translation.”

Sultan: “मुझे आश्चर्य है कि अगर किसी को भी इस अनुवाद के लिए परेशामुझे आश्चर्य है कि अगर किसी को भी इस अनुवाद के लिए परेशान“
IIB: “The Sultan expresses his gratitude for your visit. He hopes that your report to the LIU will be favorable. Hmm…he may be mistaken about your purpose. Let me clarify. वह सिर्फ एक टीवी होस्ट है.”
Sultan: “क्या समय की बर्बादी!”
IIB: “The Sultan feels that you have wasted his time with your TV show. He will be leaving now.”
Doog: “Thanks for clearing that up IIB. I wouldn’t want anyone to think I’m too important.”

IIB: “I guess it’s time to head to the mines now. The mines are spread across vast distances; the closest being five miles from here. To make travel easier, I have procured a propulsion device for you. I can give a brief instructional demonstration if you are unfamiliar with this device.”
Doog: “I happen to be an expert at propulsion devices, thank you. I don’t need any assistance from a robot.”

IIB: “Ah, you certainly are an expert at the ‘getting dragged across the ground’ technique. Generally, users ride on top or lateral to the device, but if you prefer this method, we’ll get started.”
Doog: “I hate you.”

IIB: “Each mining camp has its own elevator to descend into the mantle. A lot of the mining tools are also stored up here, including the power generators and mining bots.”

Doog: “Mining bots?”
IIB: “Yes, on the charging platform over there.”
Doog: “So what do these bots mine? Jewels?”

IIB: “Not any old jewel. We mine the most valuable jewel in the galaxy, the Iocalean Ruby. The pressures inside the mantle align the crystalline structure of the rubies into hyper-rubies. Perfect clarity, perfect color.”
Doog: “Ah, rubies. A girl’s best friend.”
IIB: “Yes, but it wasn’t always so. Diamonds used to be the most popular jewel, until the discovery of their industrial uses - diamond lenses, diamond tipped drills, et cetera. After their industrial use became so prevalent, the market was flooded with diamonds, and they really lost their value. Rubies, with no use other than looking pretty, surpassed the diamond.”
Doog: “Thanks for the history of jewel value, nerd. Can we continue?”

IIB: “Yes, let’s get started. There’s another thirty minute descent into the mantle.”
Doog: “You have to be kidding me.”
IIB: “Look on the bright side. We’ll get to play another fascinating game of I Spy. Perhaps you can choose green or black this time.”

Thirty minutes later…

IIB: “Behold, the great ruby caverns of Iocale!”
Doog: “It’s just a cave. Settle down.”

IIB: “It’s not just a cave, Doog. This is a geological miracle!
Doog: “It’s a miracle that I haven’t disassembled you yet. Let’s make this quick. Maybe it’s the pressure or the suit, but I’m getting annoyed.”

IIB: “As you can see, the mining bots extract the valuable rubies from the mantle walls. This delicate operation is too dangerous for biological beings. Mistakes can lead to cave-ins or rapid depressurization of suits. Better to risk my brethren than actual life forms.”

IIB: “The bots must also be careful to leave columns of rock to support the mantle and crust above. It’s very dangerous work.”
Doog: “Very interesting IIB. I hope you guys keep up the good work. Shall we get the ascent started?”
IIB: “Yeah, I think that’s good idea. You have a limited air supply and the ascent takes twice as long as the descent.”
Doog: “What!”
IIB: “I’m afraid so. We must slowly depressurize your body, otherwise gaseous bubbles will form in your body, and you’ll get the bends.”

Doog: “Well folks, I survived an hour long elevator ride with Captain Annoying, and I’m now back to the subsurface. Iocale is valuable world. Its production of rubies supports the fashion and jewelry demands of the LIU’s elite. Well, I have another hour long ascent with my best bud, so I’m going to get a move on. See ya!”
IIB: "Uh...you do know you have to give that ruby back, right?"

Note:

IIB: “I know how bored you were during our last ascent, so I came prepared this time. I figured we could play some Iocalean Chess to pass the time. Would you like me to explain the rules?”
Doog: “I happen to be an expert at Iocalean Chess, thank you. I don’t need any assistance from a robot.”
IIB: “Really? Alright then. You have the purple Sultan, so I believe you get the first move.”

Doog: “I’m going to move this little fella right here. Eat that!”
IIB: “Ooh, Socar’s Opening Gambit, a very risky move. How shall I ever counter that…”

IIB: “…I think I’ll just move here and…let’s see…checkmate!”
Doog: “Wait! I can still move…nope. Dang it. Grrr! I hate playing against robots!”
IIB: “Would you prefer we play different game?”
Doog: “Yeah, I would. I Spy something that’s about to be broken!”
IIB: “Is it the record for fastest checkmate? Because I believe I have already broken that earlier.”
Doog: "GRR!”

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