Find out what's happening in the LIU Galaxy!


                                       LIU Galaxy News - 1


Note: The corresponding dialogue is below each picture.

Narrator: “Welcome to the Ludgonian Industrial Union's TV2 Galaxy News.”

Spiffy: “Hello Folks! I’m Spiffy Thompson.”
Hotty: “And I’m Hotty McBabe.”
In Unison: “Welcome to Galaxy News!”

Spiffy: "Today's top story, the star Nitesco is doomed."

Spiffy: "Nitesco, long known to be reaching the final stages of its life, is expected to supernova later this week. The massive energy bursts resulting from this event will destroy the entire Nitesco Solar System. For more information on this explosive event, we turn to Field Reporter Kuti Pi. Kuti, what can you tell us about the Nitesco explosion?"

Kuti: "Hi Spiffy! I'm here on Nitesco's only inhabited planet, Fortido. Fortido, which is expected to be destroyed any day now, is home to small underground lab. Joining me is Evacuation Specialist Victor Hurm. How are you sir?"

Victor: "Wow, seriously. You're wearing that? This whole planet is being bathed in radiation from the nearby dying star, and you're wearing that. You're going to go blind and skin is going to start falling off any minute now."
Kuti: "Hehe. You think I'm cute don't you?"
Victor: "Sigh. Let's just get this over with. I don't want your skin to start dripping on my new shoes."

Kuti: "Aww. That's so nice. So Victor, boy, it's getting a little hot in here, uh...what...uh, Spiffy, why am I here?"
Spiffy: "You're going to ask Victor about the evacuation."
Kuti: "Oh yeah. So tell me about this evacuation Victor."
Victor: "Well, as you said, this entire planet is going to be destroyed by the upcoming Supernova. To prevent any losses, the LIU has issued Evacuation Order #8898."
Kuti: "So you're going to rescue all the residents?"
Victor: "What? Oh no, not the people. We are evacuating all the valuables from the lab. If we have time later, we'll come back and rescue all the copper pipes from inside, then maybe the some of the wiring, then the flooring tiles. When all the valuables are gone, we may have time to save a few people."
Kuti: "Well guys, you heard it here first, no valuable items are going to be lost in the disaster. In other news, I'm now blind. Back to you."

Hotty: "Hehe. I hope you brought some suntan lotion Kuti. The impending Supernova will damage more than just the Nitesco System. For more on this, we go to our Space Weather Expert Swete Lipps."

Swete: "Geez, I hope Kuti brought enough suntan lotion! What? You already made that joke? Uh, I hope she brought some aloe. What? Not funny? Oh, enough playful banter? Oh OK."

Swete: "There are four other stars in Nitesco's local star group. Cuspis, Nitesco closest neighbor, can expect to be destroyed in about three months when the Supernova's shock wave finally arrives. When the shock wave reaches Liathium, it is expected to have lost most of its energy. So, I've predicted that the Liathium System will me mostly deadly in six months, and partly deadly after that. The Pershesk System is just far enough away to the escape damage. Back to you!"

Spiffy: "We'll be right back after these messages!"

"Sick of school? Tired of the office? Well, head to one of the LIU's Super Farms and become a Field Laborer. Have fun while you sow your cash crop!"
*Labor is not fun. Money not included.

Narrator: "Welcome back to LIU TV2 Galaxy News!"

Spiffy: "Experts agree, the loss of Nitesco and Cuspis will not affect any of the LIU's economic interests, but the same can't be said for the possible loss of the Liathium System. For more on this story, we go to our Economic Correspondent Grogan Sithers. Grogan?"

Groogar: "My name is Groogar you pathetic human! I will kill your whole family and eat them! Uh, um, sorry. Anyway, I'm here on the Factory World of Vookar, which orbits Liathium. The factories on Vookar are one of the largest producers of Fuel Cells in the galaxy. The loss of the planet could temporarily cripple the LIU's energy production."

Spiffy: "What steps are being taken to prevent this catastrophe?"
Groogar: If you interrupt me again Spiffy, I will tear off your face and wear it as my underwear. Anyway, the blast wave from the Supernova won't reach this planet for six months, giving engineers plenty of time to construct huge shield generators. The automated factories should not be affected by the residual radiation. Now leave me alone!"

Hotty: "Oh that Grogan. He sure is a nice guy. Well, in more upbeat news, the brief and unproductive revolution on the planet Jasucent has come to an end. For more on this story, we go to Field Reporter Cindy Cyclops."

Cindy: "Am I too close to the camera? My depth perception is off. Oh what? We're on? Uh, yes. I'm Cindy Cyclops here in the middle of this empty field. Right now, senior military officials are meeting with the leaders of the brief revolution."

Cindy: "Officials believe these talks will be short and should end abruptly."

Cindy: "Most of the leaders of the revolution had no comment, and the few that did, could not be heard over the loud crying in the background. It's another victory in keeping the Union united. Back to you!"

Spiffy: "While most problems can be solved with violence, sometimes all you need is a big smile and lots of money."

Spiffy: "Today, LIU Ambassadors signed a trillion dollar contract and treaty with the KinPump Empire. The KinPump Empire, which control one hundred stars in the Guspem Galaxy, will receive five hundred capital ships in return for cash and the use of their interstellar routes."

Spiffy: "The deal means big money for the LIU, but has put the LIU at odds with the other empires in the Guspem Galaxy. These empires released a joint statement in which they stated, 'The KinPump Empire is a known terrorist group and we are disgusted by the LIU's behavior. In order to counter this threat, we will have to buy at least twice the amount of LIU Capital Ships."

Hotty: "We'll back with more after the break."

"Want to do your part to help the LIU? Sign up at any of the local Expansion Offices and get shipped off the outer rim of the LIU Galaxy. Workers are needed right now! See the universe, work hard, and expand the Union, join up today!"

"We're doing our part!"

"Can't relocate? Well you can still do your part! Reproduction strengthens the Union. So get to it!"

Hotty: "Welcome back. In entertainment news, Terrance McDoogal spent the day in court after firing a Crap Cannon into Lacunar Urbs A. For more on this story, we go live to Busty Pillows."

Busty: "Just moments ago, Doog was escorted out of a Lacunar Urbs court room. Doog was acquitted of his Attack Against the LIU charge, which would have lead to his execution, but pleaded guilty to Disturbing the Peace, which will net him another month in the Muspell Minimum Security Prison."

Busty: "Doog do you have any comments?"
Doog: “No comments, but let me just get a look at those. Wow. I know what's getting me through another month in prison."

Spiffy: Well folks, that's it for this time. Join us next time for more Galaxy News!"

Note:
Galaxy News will be back from time to time to deliver all the exciting news across the LIU Galaxy.

CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 3 - Episode 1 - Crepes Culum

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.


                                                                LIU Atlas - Thrax

The Ludgonian Industrial Union's galaxy contains billions of stars and billions of planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another special addition episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. We are close to wrapping up Season Six of LIU Atlas, and we’ve decided to make a short detour to celebrate. The crew and I are stopping at the small moon of Thrax. Thrax is an industrial world specializing in chemical manufacturing, but enough about that. Today we’re not focusing on the moon’s economy. Today we are delving into a little bit of the moon’s culture. Thrax is famous for its sport, Ringball.”

Doog: “Alright folks, we scored some front row seats to Ringball in the moon’s largest arena. I’m new to Ringball, so I really have no idea what’s going on. Luckily, our audio-man, Mike, is a bit of an expert. How do you play, Mike?”
Mike: “PUNCH THAT GUNGAN LOVER IN THE FACE!!”
Doog: “Well, I guess Mike is a little too into the game to be any help. Cam, do you know what’s going on?”

Cam: “Well Doog, we lucked out. We’re watching two of the league’s top teams, the Arsine Devils and the Diborane Slugs. The Devils are sponsored by the LIU’s official church, St. Money, and the Slugs are sponsored by the restaurant Sluglicious. All the teams in the league have corporate sponsors from around the galaxy.”
Doog: “Cool. I guess I’m rooting for the Slugs. Those things are delicious. I’m getting a bit of a cold sweat just thinking about them. So, how do you win?”

Cam: “It’s pretty simple. You get five points by throwing the ball through the front of the ring. You get eight points if you make it through the back of the ring. A perfect throw through the middle could technically net you thirteen points if it goes through the front and bounces off the wall back through the ring. That’s why both teams are defending the middle of the court so fiercely.”
Doog: “Seems easy enough. I mean, I’m getting out of breath just talking about the game, but if I was in shape, I could easily score.”
Cam: “It’s not that easy. It’s full contact, so you get roughed up pretty good. You can punch, kick, tackle, and head butt to get the ball from your opponent.”
Doog: “Sweet. Unbridled violence always makes sports better.”

Mike: “Shove it hard up the middle!”
Cam: “Cream him!”
Timbo: “Get it in the hole!”
Oldie: “Where am I? Last thing I remember is taking a nap.”
Hugo: “Get a double penetration! I wanna see balls in the hole twice!”
Mike:  “Force it in there!”
Cam: “Don’t let them ram it in! Push harder!”
Oldie: “Seriously though. Is this real life?”
Timbo: “Shoulda put a ring on it!!”

Doog: “Did we just do an impromptu episode just to use sports innuendo?”
Mike: “SPLIT THE MIDDLE!”
Cam: “Fill the gaps!”
Oldie: “Blow that whistle. Too many men in the box! Well they muffed that one! But yeah…any refreshments?”
Timbo: “Hey, playing with someone new often sends ripples through the unit. The Devils have never played together before!”
Mike: “Ah man, Jimmy shot too early. He had plenty of time to play.”
Cam: “Yeah, that gap was huge.”
Timbo: “It was gaping!”
Oldie: “Are we eating out or what? I’m starving!”

Doog: “Well folks, we’re having a ball on Thrax. There’s lots of scoring and shoving going on. Pretty firm competition. Hard to mouth it any better. See ya!”

Note:
The Devils rammed it home and took first place in the Western Conference.


CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 6 - Episode 15 - Caetarius

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.


                                                                LIU Atlas - Caetarius

The Ludgonian Industrial Union's galaxy contains billions of stars and billions of planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to the season finale of Season Six of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we are visiting the planet Caetarius. Caetarius is about as anticlimactic as you can get on a season finale. Yeah, that’s right, it’s an agricultural world. However, it does have one thing going for it; it’s a SuperFarm. Now, if you’ve been following LIU Atlas long enough, you know a SuperFarm is a designation given to agricultural worlds when their production exceeds some arbitrary production quota. This is the first official SuperFarm we’ve visited in the history of LIU Atlas.”

Doog: “Alright folks, I’ve been dropped off in a small coastal village on the planet’s smallest continent. It appears this is a fishing village or something. Ah, enough speculation, here comes our guide.”

Pêcheur: “Ah, welcome to Caetarius, Doog. I am Pêcheur Poisson, Agriculture Director here on Caetarius.”
Doog: “Thanks, Peggy.”
Pêcheur: “That’s Pêcheur, actually.”
Doog: “Oh, I heard you correctly. I’m just referring to your leg. What happened there?”
Pêcheur: “Old fishing accident. Common on this planet.”
Doog: “So, I was right. This is some type of fishing village.”

Pêcheur: “No, this village is much too small. Fishing is based out of Caetarius’ largest continent. This is just a shipping village. It ships out supplies to some of the outlying islands. There might be a little sustenance fishing, but nothing closely resembling the operations across the ocean.”
Doog: “So no agriculture here?”

Pêcheur: No, not here, but not far. To make sure all the continent’s space is utilized for agriculture, the villages here all rest along the infertile coast. All the farming takes place inland. Come on, follow me.”

Doog: “Ok, we’ve moved a little bit deeper into the continent, and here we have it, agriculture. What is this stuff?”
Pêcheur: “This is Triticum, a type of cereal.”
Doog: “I’ll stick to my frosted fruit rings. This stuff looks gross.”
Pêcheur: “Not that type of cereal. A cereal grain, like maize, rice, and wheat.”

Pêcheur: “The Triticum is a tough grain to farm. The plants mature at different times so it must be processed by hand. The mature plants turn a dark brown indicating that it is ready to be harvested. Workers find these plants and hand harvest them.”
Doog: “What is it used for?”
Pêcheur: “Triticum is mostly used as animal feed, but it can also be found in some foods, like Triticum Bread.”
Doog: “Gotcha. Shall we continue?”
Pêcheur: “Yeah, but we’ll need to catch a ride. These fields stretch for hundreds of miles. Let’s hop on a tractor.”

Doog: “Worst hayride ever. Practically the same scenery for the last five hours, but it finally looks like we’ve arrived somewhere new.”
Pêcheur: “Ah yes, the turnip fields. The elevation increases as we move deeper inland. The rain patterns here are different, making these lands unsuitable for Triticum. Instead we grow another native plant, the Caetarius Turnip.”
Doog: “Do you guys grow anything that’s not disgusting? Like Kaadu Burgers or something?”
Pêcheur: “Aw, come on. Everyone loves a good turnip.”

Doog: “Yeah, I bet they do.”
Pêcheur: “Yeah that taglines failed us in the past. Our marketing has shifted to more of a super-food, antioxidant, anti-aging angle.”
Doog: “How’s that working for you?”
Pêcheur: “Well, they’re popular with the poorer folks, but that might just be because there so cheap.”
Doog: “Well, as enthralling as turnips are, maybe we should move on.”
Pêcheur: “Indeed. We’ll need continue on by foot though. We need to venture into the highlands.”

Pêcheur: “The innermost areas of this continent are dominated by rocky highlands. These hills were once an impediment to our production numbers. We planned on flattening them out with dynamite, but, when crew began exploring, they found the caves in these highlands were full of life. Edible life. The caves were sealed up to avoid any contamination from pesticides.”
Doog: “There’s edible life in there?”

Pêcheur: “Yep. The Caetarius Snail.”
Doog: “They’re huge. Bigger than my head. Wait, you did say edible, right? People eat these things?”

Pêcheur: “Some do. My species find snails very tasty. However, only about 40% of snail production goes towards food products. Most is used for bait in the planet’s large fishing operations.”

Pêcheur: “Specially formulated liquid sprays feed the snails. They also contain a Teflon non-stick component that prevents escape.”
Doog: “What is that guy doing?!”
Pêcheur: “Harvesting. Once, fully grown, the snails are removed from the shell. They are then shipped to a coastal processing center. That’s where we’re headed next.”
Doog: “Another hay ride?”
Pêcheur: “No, this time we’ll take a train.”

Pêcheur: “Trains transport bait, Triticum feed, and other supplies to Caetarius’ largest continent. I’ve secured us a seat.”

Doog: “How long of a trip? Agriculture always makes me a bit tired. I might be able to squeeze in a nap.”
Pêcheur: “Not a lot of time, I’m afraid. This frictionless hover train makes the trip in about thirty minutes.”

Doog: “Now this is a change of pace. This actually looks like a modern town.”
Pêcheur: “Yes. This is Coast City. It spans nearly the entire length of this continent’s coast, sporting a population of about ten million souls. The majority of these people are employed in the fishing industry.”

Pêcheur: “The city has two tiers. The lower level is devoted to the fishing industry, with docks, warehouses, repair shops, and other support facilities. The upper tier holds housing and businesses.”

Doog: “Whoa, I almost got my head taken off by a crane.”
Pêcheur: “Yeah, you have to watch those auto-cranes. Each crane moves along a track so it can service up to three docks. They used to be manned, but one operator got drunk and took out about 20 people walking on the street behind him.”
Doog: “Well, I can’t say the computer pilots it much better. So, what’s next. Are we going fishing?”
Pêcheur: “Not yet. We’ll venture back here eventually, but first we need to head inland. Like the smaller continent, this continent’s interior houses more agriculture.”
Doog: “Of course it does…”

Pêcheur: “There is some Triticum and turnip farming here, but most of the agricultural operations on this continent deal with animals. Here, for instance, he have the native Brush Crane.”
Doog: “Birds?”
Pêcheur: “Yes. Brush Cranes roamed this continent’s plains before the planet was settled by the LIU. They’ve since been domesticated. Of course they do have some drawbacks. The males violently defend their mates from other cranes, so their can only be one breeding pair in each pen.”

Doog: “They don’t look all that meaty to me.”
Pêcheur: “You’re right, they don’t have much suitable meat, but that’s not what we raise them for. We farm them for eggs.”
Doog: “So, they’re like chickens that don‘t taste good fried.”
Pêcheur: “Uh, I guess you could put it that way. They do have some advantages over chickens though. They lay larger eggs, and they lay them much more frequently.”
Doog: “An advantage in the omelet department I guess. So, what are those large warehouses over there?”
Pêcheur: “You mean the milking stalls? Come on, I’ll show you.”

Doog: “Where’s the cows? All I see is a giant Guinea Pig.”
Pêcheur: “We don’t have any cows, Doog. We milk the planet’s native groundhog, the Mulgeo.”
Doog: “You milk groundhogs!?!”

Doog: “That’s just weird man.”
Pêcheur: “What makes cows so special? Mulgeo milk has just as much calcium and fat. The Mulgeo is cheaper to raise, breeds faster, and makes more milk.”

Doog: “I don’t know, because they’re rodents. Lots of things make milk, doesn’t mean I want to milk them. Heck, some humans make milk. You don’t see me drinking that.”
Pêcheur: “Speak for yourself.”
Doog: “Gross. Do you farm anything here remotely tasty?”
Pêcheur: “Well, people say we have some of the best fish in the galaxy.”
Doog: “That’s what I’m talking about. I think it’s about time we head back to Coast City and finally check out this fishing operation.”
Pêcheur: “Alright. To the docks we go.”

Pêcheur: “We’ll ship out with this crew and get a closer look at the planet’s fishing industry.”
Doog: “This is a little small for a fishing vessel.”
Pêcheur: “Oh, we don’t fish from these little ships. This is just a transport to the factory ship.”
Doog: “Factory ship?”
Pêcheur: “Yeah, massive fishing vessels that process fish on site. They’re way to big to dock here. Instead, workers and supplies are shipped back and forth in smaller vessels like this.”

Pêcheur: “Well should we do this?”
Doog: “I guess, although I’m a little concerned for my safety.”
Pêcheur: “How so?”
Doog: “Well, most of these guys have hooks for hands and you have that peg as a leg. How dangerous is fishing here?”
Pêcheur: “It’s not too bad. You’ll be fine come on.”

Doog: “Alright folks, we’re in the belly of a factory ship heading down to water level to start this fishing adventure. What am I seeing here, Peggy?”
Pêcheur: “Looks like some workers are processing some of the day's catch.”

Doog: “That’s a big chunk of fish there. How many fish did it take to make that?”
Pêcheur: “Uh, one fish. Actually, more like one-eighth of one fish.”
Doog: “What! What kind of fish are we catching?!”
Pêcheur: “Fish native to Caetarius. Very big fish.”

Pêcheur: “The fish are diced into more manageable pieces and then freeze dried for preservation. Each chunk of fish could feed several people.”
Doog: “I’m starting to get a little nervous. A fish this big might pull me into the water.”
Pêcheur: “Oh, we don’t fish with lines. The fish are too big. We hunt them by hand. Time to suit up.”

Doog: “Alright. We’ve suited up and descended into Caetarius’ ocean. What are these huge things?”
Pêcheur: “These are the staple of fishing on Caetarius, the Silurus. The Silurus are bottom feeders. They eat plants and smaller crustaceans on the ocean floor. Those little whiskers on their head aid them with this.”
Doog: “They don’t seem too dangerous to me.”
Pêcheur: “The Silurus? No, they’re not dangerous at all. They are pretty easy to catch too. They don’t fear us because we are so small. It’s easy to get into harpoon range. Once they are dispatched, we drag them back up to the boat with long lines. Easy stuff.”
Doog: “So, how does everyone down here lose limbs? Freak harpoon accidents?”
Pêcheur: “You know saying, ‘There’s always a bigger fish’?  Well, it’s true.”

Pêcheur: “This ocean is also home to the Crested Pistrix. These behemoths feed on Silurus. They’re drawn to our fishing grounds by the Silurus’ blood in the water.”
Doog: “Should we run! I’m running!”
Pêcheur: “Nah, as scary as they are, we fish them too. Tons of meat on these guys.”
Doog: “Screw that!”
Pêcheur: “Careful Doog! Stay with the group! You’re not safe up there.”




Ten minutes later…

Doog: “Uh, where am I?”
Pêcheur: “You’re back on the factory ship. You passed out when that Pistrix bit off your hand.”
Doog: “Ahh! What! Noooo! I don’t want a hook hand!”

Pêcheur: “After the Pistrix bit off your hand, you crazily swam into mouth screaming something about your microphone. Thank the fishing gods it swallowed you whole. We killed it and cut you out.”
Doog: “So you saved my microphone!?”
Pêcheur: “Uh yeah. And your hand too. It’s a pretty clean cut. I think they can save it. Unfortunately we can’t get it to release the microphone.”
Doog: “Good job, Righty. Never let go!”

Doog: “Well folks. I guess Caetarius is a little more interesting than your typical agricultural world. Its wide range of native species, from milk producing groundhogs to gargantuan fish, allow the planet’s citizens to produce tons of food. Well, I guess I need to get to hospital. What a way to spend my two week vacation in between seasons. Oh well, see ya.”


CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 7 - Episode 1 - Caligavit Nebula

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.


                                                        LIU Atlas - Sacer Nummos

The Ludgonian Industrial Union’s galaxy contains billions of stars and planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting one of the most sacred planets in the LIU Galaxy, Sacer Nummos. Now, I don’t mean sacred in a religious way. We all know religion doesn’t play a large role in the LIU. Sacer Nummos is sacred because it houses the LIU’s mint.”

Doog: “During my descent to Sacer Nummos’ only continent, I noticed there does not appear to be any structures on the surface. Presumably, the mint is located underground for safety purposes. I’ve been dropped off at the mint’s entrance, a small entryway carved into the continent’s western coastal cliff.  I’ll wait here for my guide.”

Acolyte: “Welcome to Sacer Nummos. I am Acolyte 46-17, your guide for today.”
Doog: “Wait. Are you a robot?”
Acolyte: “An advanced android actually. My race of androids were created by the LIU specifically to work in the mint. Our AI was programmed with a reverence for money.”
Doog: “So you guys worship money? Don’t get me wrong, I’d probably worship it to if I ever had any.”
Acolyte: “You could say that. We were programmed that way to prevent thefts. It’s why we were created. Other beings could not be trusted working in the mint.”
Doog: “Interesting. Well shall we head inside?”
Acolyte: “Yes. Follow me.”

Doog: “So what can you tell us about the mint?”
Acolyte: “Well, about 80% of the currency in the LIU is digital. This is satisfactory for richer, technologically advanced worlds, but an impossibility on the poorer, more primitive worlds. They need a physical currency. Here on Sacer Nummos, we make this physical currency.”
Doog: “Like coins and bills?”
Acolyte: “Yes.”
Doog: “Wow. Think about it. Strip clubs would be an impossibility without you guys. Thanks.”
Acolyte: “I’m not sure what these ‘strip clubs’ are, but you’re welcome.”

Doog: “Uh, looks like we have a problem here.”
Acolyte: “Not a problem. This is one of many security measures in place to protect the mint.”
Doog: “I hate to break it to you, but I don’t have the same robotic leaping abilities as you. I guess the show ends here.”
Acolyte: “No need to jump. I’m working on raising the bridge. It’s protected by a rolling pass code. The pass code is constantly changing.  My programming has the same pass code. Once I sync the codes, the bridge will raise. It takes a few moments, there are millions of digits in the code.”

Doog: “Old school draw bridge, huh? It would keep me out, but I’m sure it wouldn’t stop a determined individual.”
Acolyte: “It is one of many security measures. There are several more, some which are classified. There are also
guards posted throughout the facility. They would fight to the death defending the mint.”
Doog: “Gotcha. So, what’s next.”
Acolyte: “We are approaching the mine.”

Doog: “The mine?”
Acolyte: “Yes. The LIU’s coins and bills contain a rare element called Rhenium that is found in abundance here. That’s why this planet was chosen to house the mint.”

Doog: “Do you mine from this little lift thing?”
Acolyte: “No. This lift takes us deeper into the mine near the Rhenium deposits. It’s sort of a security measure on its own.
Doog: “I’d say so. Looks like a death trap. Where‘s the seat belts?”
Acolyte: “There are none. This wasn’t really made for humans.”
Doog: “Great...”

Doog: “Whoa. Keep it slow. How are you controlling this thing anyway?”
Acolyte: “Like the drawbridge, the lift is controlled by my programming. Only my race may utilize it.”

Doog: “Alright folks, I’ve survived a terrifying trip down to the bottom of the mine. There appears to be some sort of death sentries down here. Wow, that’s a big one.”
Acolyte: “They’re not death sentries. These are our miners. Several member of my race have had their bodies modified to work in the mines. There are two distinct classes of workers. These tall ones are the laborers. They collect the Rhenium ore, load it onto trains, and handle the other menial tasks.”

Acolyte: “The smaller, tracked workers are known as Deacons. They perform the actual drilling. Their strong track system also allows them to push train cars throughout the mine.”

Acolyte: “Speaking of trains, let’s follow this laborer. He’s found some Rhenium and must be taking it to the train. He’ll lead the way.”
Doog: “I’d rather ride one of those Deacon guys. My legs are still a little shaky from the ride here.”

Acolyte: “Rhenium is rare throughout the universe, but can be found in heavy concentrations here. It’s extracted and loaded onto the train carts. It’s an important component of the LIU’s currency. Once loaded, the train carts get pushed to the mint.”
Doog: “Finally. I was wondering if we’d ever get to the actual mint.”

Doog: “This is it? This is the mint?”
Acolyte: “No, this is the final security measure protecting the mint.”
Doog: “What is it?”
Acolyte: “This is a wormhole generator. It opens a wormhole into the mint. The actual location of the mint is highly classified.”

Acolyte: “I must admit. I don’t even know where the actual mint is.”
Doog: “So the actual mint itself is not on this planet?”
Acolyte: “It could be. I don’t really know. The generator has a range of about 20 light years. So it could farther into this planet’s crust or on one of the eighty other planetary bodies within range.”
Doog: “I’ve seen this technology on some other planets, and I know it’s expensive. How can you afford to send material that far?”
Acolyte: “The cost of producing the LIU’s currency costs less than its face value. So there is some profit in every coin
produced. The profit goes to the extreme expenditures generated by utilizing the wormhole generator. In the end, it all evens out. Well, it looks like this load of Rhenium is ready to ship out. Engage the wormhole.”

Doog: “Sweet. I’ve seen it a few times, but it never gets old. I’m peering through a hole that leads to another planetary body.”
Acolyte: “Or this planet. We don’t really know. All I know is the mint is only accessible from this one wormhole generator. It can’t be accessed without visiting Sacer Nummos.”

Doog: “Well, let’s do this.”

Doog: “Alright, we’re officially in the mint now. What’s this?”
Acolyte: “This is a smelter.”
Doog: “Yeah, I smelt her too. Not pretty. Speaking of mints, maybe we should get her one.”
Acolyte: “No! A smelter. A device to melt down the Rhenium. Rhenium has the third highest melting point of any metal, so it take specialized machines to liquefy it. This is another deterrent for counterfeiters.”
Doog: “This is pure melted Rhenium is turned into coins?”
Acolyte: “No. It’s too expensive to make a coin entirely out of Rhenium. Only a classified amount of the coins consists of this element. The rest is made from cheaper, lighter minerals like tin and copper.”
Doog: “I thought that made it easier to counterfeit?”
Acolyte: “No. The Rhenium here is a rare isotope. Anyone with a simple scanner could scan the coin and determine if it has the proper isotope and the proper percentage of Rhenium.”
Doog: “Yeah, because we all carry scanners around with us…”

Acolyte: “Because counterfeiting is so difficult, the LIU’s hard currency is very stable and safe. Many other entities in the universe peg their currency to the LIU credit.”
Doog: “Are these the machines that make the money?”
Acolyte: “Yes. These are our automated coin makers. Each makes thousands of coins a minute. Want to see inside?”
Doog: “Sure.”

Acolyte: “The automated press cuts the coins out preformed metal sheets and then stamps them. The finished coins drop to a chamber below this room where they are wrapped and readied for shipping.”
Doog: “What about paper money?”
Acolyte: “Our paper currency also has Rhenium in it, in the form of tiny strands. Because they are much higher in denomination, I’ve elected to keep that process secret.”

Doog: “What’s that door go to?”
Acolyte: “That leads to the vault below. It too is off limits. We wouldn’t want to share all our secrets and security measures.”
Doog: “Is that all then?"
Acolyte: “For today, yes.”

Doog: “Alright folks, Sacer Nummos is an important place. A race of robots lives here, extracting the planet’s rare Rhenium, which is an important component of the LIU’s hard currency. There are several security features in place here including a massive wormhole generator that hides the location of the LIU’s mint. Well, I better start heading back. I have a long journey, maybe 20 light years. See ya.”


Note:
A study has shown that 50% of the LIU bills in circulation have space spice on them. Snort.  


CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 6 - Episode 14.5 - Thrax

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.


                                                        LIU Atlas - Undique Station

The Ludgonian Industrial Union’s galaxy contains billions of stars and planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting the Undique Station. The station, which is located in the galaxy’s deep core, is home to the LIU’s domestic intelligence agency, known as the Inquisitors. This division of the military is extremely secret, but, surprisingly, they have revealed their hidden station and invited me to do a show here.”

Doog: “Alright folks, the Magellan was given military escort to the station’s docking hangar, and I’ve been dropped off. Security here is very strict. I’ve been searched, prodded, and patted down more times than I like to admit. All that’s left to do now is to wait for my guide.”

Eymerich: “Ah, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to Undique Station.  I’m High Inquisitor Eymerich.”
Doog: “Thanks. I have to admit, I’m surprised you guys invited me here. I know how secretive your organization is.”
Eymerich: “Yes, in the past, we’ve preferred anonymity. Our job is much easier lurking in the shadows, but recent events have forced us to change out philosophy. We believe the citizens of this galaxy will be less inclined to challenge the LIU’s authority if they know our true capabilities.”
Doog: “What capabilities?”
Eymerich: “Follow me.”

Doog: “What is this? It looks like a prison.”
Eymerich: “Sort of. More like a holding area.”
Doog: “What’s the difference?”
Eymerich: “These people have not technically been convicted. They are persons of interest in political crimes against the LIU.”

Doog: “Political crimes?”
Eymerich: “Crimes against the institution. Persons involved in rebellions, subversive acts, industrial espionage, et cetera. We need to thoroughly vet them for information before they are transferred to more permanent prisons or executed.”
Doog: “How many are detained here? These cells stretch forever.”
Eymerich: “Several thousand. I can’t really give an exact number. A can tell you there are a lot more after…uh…recent events.”
Doog: “Recent events? Oh, you mean the…”
Eymerich: “Perhaps we should change the subject. Now, these are high risk prisoners so this jail is state of the art. Each cell can only be accessed by hover lift so even if the magnetically sealed door came open, the prisoner couldn’t escape. Each cell is also equipped with an airlock. If anyone misbehaves, we open the airlock and eject them into space.”
Doog: “Yikes. I wouldn’t want to be incarcerated in here.”
Eymerich: “We hope no one would want to. That’s why we invited you here. Shall we continue?”

Doog: “Any high profile prisoners?”
Eymerich: “That’s classified.”
Doog: “Oh, cause that one guy sure looks like…”
Eymerich: “It’s no one. Got it.”
Doog: “Yeah. Sorry.”

Doog: “Ah. This must be where you torture the prisoners.”
Eymerich: “Excuse me?”
Doog: “The stairs. Worst things in the universe. Sorry, just a joke. I’m trying to keep things light.”
Eymerich: “Ha. Well, I hope your up for some torture cause we’re headed up these stairs.”
Doog: “SETEC Astronomy? What’s that?”
Eymerich: “SETEC stands for Surveillance Everywhere Through Exceptional Cameras, and astronomy denotes that this surveillance is done through space based equipment. It will make more sense in a few minutes.”

Eymerich: “We build cases against individuals using a variety techniques. Some are as simple as intercepting communications using the Watchdog AI’s in the galaxy’s Nuntius Stations. Our fleet of Inquisitorial Satellites catch others trying to bypass the Nuntius Stations and send unregistered communications. SETEC Astronomy is another one of these methods. Come on, we’re almost there.”

Eymerich: “This is it, SETEC Astronomy.”
Doog: “Uh, what is it?”
Eymerich: “This is the future of video surveillance.”

Eymerich: “You see, the Undique Station is actually a giant telescope. I’ve read your file, your familiar with the Almagest Mapping Rings on Boletus, correct?”
Doog: “Yeah. They’re being used to image the galaxy.”
Eymerich: “Yes. Well our telescope uses similar technology. We jump light from anywhere in the galaxy to our telescope. This enables us to view almost any location in the galaxy at any given time. Of course, there our some obstructions, so we have five stations just like this.”

Doog: “Wait. You can see anywhere in the galaxy? You weren’t watching me last Tuesday at around 4:30, were you?”
Eymerich: “Not to my knowledge, but yes, we can see anywhere in the galaxy. Of course, we can’t see through buildings or rock or other obstructions in the visible spectrum. However, we have infrared and x-ray capabilities as well.”
Doog: “Well, that’s freaky.”

Eymerich: “Controller. Begin surveillance operation Right Hand Man.”
Controller: “Yes sir. Station is in position. Bringing up the factory moon Agmen. Agmen is in a visible orbit for next seventeen hours. At that time it will fall behind the gas giant Acies.”
Eymerich: “Thank you. Increase zoom, quadrant #3, 46° North, 150° West. That is the last known hit.”
Controller: “Yes sir.”

Doog: “Wow, that’s clear.”
Eymerich: “Yes. Our capabilities are much higher than Almagest Mapping Rings. We have much higher resolution.”
Controller: “Sir. Computer can’t confirm suspects identity. We need a clearer shot.”
Eymerich: “Rotate station.”
Controller: “Yes sir.”

Eymerich: “Bingo. There you are Mr. Trado. Can I get a confirmation?”
Controller: “Yes sir. Computer confirms, 100% match.”
Eymerich: “Send a Magistrate immediately. I want him detained.”
Doog: “Who is Mr. Trado?”
Eymerich: “Just a person of interest. Well, I think your viewers have seen enough of the SETEC Astronomy system. Shall we continue?”

Eymerich: “Once we locate persons of interest, we send Magistrates to detain them. Then we interview them for information.”

Doog: “This doesn’t look like an interview to me. This looks like torture…”
Eymerich: “No, of course not. Torture is illegal in this Local Galaxy Group. We ship people out to Arcem for stuff like that. No, this is just Advanced Interrogation. Has our friend, Amilian, been any more forthcoming?”
Bot: “No sir. My methods are limited here. I recommend transferring her to Arcem.”
Eymerich: “Perhaps. But for now, I need the room. Magistrate Haymin, take Amilian back to her cell. Bot, secure Mr. McDoogal.”
Doog: “Wait! What!”

Doog: “Why are you doing this to me? I haven‘t done anything to the LIU!”
Eymerich: “Well that’s what we’re here to ascertain. We didn’t invite you here just for your show. There are several coincidences surrounding you and the recent ‘uprising’.”
Doog: “What! Like what!”
Eymerich: “Well for starters, you just so happened to visit Barathrum and Udo Mel right before they openly revolted. Then, you just so happened to visit Iunctis the moment the revolution was announced. Coincidence, maybe? But I have my doubts.”
Doog: “I swear. I’m guilty of lots of things. But not revolution!”
Eymerich: “Bot administer the serum.”

Eymerich: “Just relax. The serum will loosen you up.”
Doog: “I don’t feel anything.”
Eymerich: “Just wait a few moments.”
Doog: “Do you think I could maybe hold my microphone while we wait?”
Eymerich: “No.”
Doog: “That’s torture!”
Eymerich: “Hmm. The serum does not appear to be working. You should be catatonic by now.”
Doog: “I may have done a few hundred different types of drugs in my life. Whatever this is, it’s weak.”
Eymerich: “Well then. I guess we bring out the secret weapon. Bot, summon me the Muspellian.”

Doog: “Muspellian? You brought in a mind reader?!?”
Eymerich: “This doesn’t always work. With the drugs and your feeble mind though, I’m confident the Muspellian will find the truth.”
Muspellian: “Hmm. There’s some disturbing stuff in here. Ew, yuck. I better stay away from that part of the brain. He doesn’t appear to have any knowledge of Satus, Tamara, or any high ranking rebel leaders. At least, not personal knowledge. I don’t sense much hidden stuff. This mind is very forthcoming. Too forthcoming.”

Eymerich: “So, he has no connection?”
Muspellian: “Not that can be detected. Please, please don’t make me go back in there. That was torture.”
Eymerich: “Alright then. Very good, Mr. McDoogal. You’re free to go. Just remember, we’re always watching. Always.”

Doog: “Well folks, that was terrifying. I don’t want to spend a lot of time discussing it. Let’s just say you don’t want to cross the LIU. See ya.”
 

Note:
Yes, we know what you’ve been doing. Stop it.


CLICK HER FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 6 - Episode 14 - Sacer Nummos

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.


                                                                LIU Atlas - Alea

The Ludgonian Industrial Union’s galaxy contains billions of stars and planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting the temperate, rocky world of Alea. Despite being a small, outer-rim planet, Alea has a significant cultural presence in the LIU Galaxy.”

Doog: “Alea wasn’t always a cultural presence in the galaxy. For many years, Alea had a one track economy based solely on mining. The planet was blessed with high concentrations of rare elements, like Lanthanum, Promethium, and Neodymium. The planet’s native species, the Aleans, became one of the biggest exporters of these rare elements in the entire galaxy.”

Doog: “The Aleans’ quest to find more and more of these rare elements caused them to create one of the largest mine systems in the LIU Galaxy. Their mining tunnels span thousands and thousands of miles under the planet’s crust.”

Doog: “These mines extend so deep into the crust, the Alean miners can’t easily return home after work. Most are forced to stay in the mines for months and months. The miners, often stranded without any form of entertainment, invented several games with the few materials available. These games were usually made more interesting by betting wages on certain outcomes.”

Doog: “LIU executives, inspecting the mines, came across several of these unique, interesting games and fell in love. It is said that several of them lost many of their own wages playing with the Aleans. The executives soon realized the games’ potential and decided to expand Alea’s economy to include gambling.”

Doog: “And that folks, is when the city of Faustus was born. Faustus is dominated by casinos, hotels, and other entertainment venues. Its unique gambling games, found only on this planet, attract millions of visitors every year. This is where we are headed.”

Doog: “Alright folks, I’ve been dropped off in front of one the city’s casinos, the Alea Iacta Est. Casinos like this are open to any citizen, but most of the visitors here are rich, elite citizens. Most normal people can’t afford to waste money on something like gambling. Now, anytime I visit a planet where I have to interact with large numbers of elite citizens, I like to have my favorite elite citizen as a guide. May I present, the one man that can make me blush, LIU Socialite and former adult movie star Big Adams.”

Big: “Me and you, Eiffel Tower on this chick I just met in the alley. Come on!”
Doog: “Eiffel Tower?”
Big: “Fine, we don’t have to hold hands. Let’s go.”
Doog: “I, uh, pass. I have no idea what you are talking about, and, with you, I’m not sure I want to know.”
Big: “Hey, your loss man. So, what’s new?”
Doog: “Not much. I’m doing a show on Alea, and I was hoping you’d be able to show us around.”
Big: “Sure thing. I know a few things about gambling. Is that a girl or a guy dressed as a girl? Screw it, I’ll take a gamble. Are those Genital Warts? I’ll take a gamble.”
Doog: “Not the gambling I was thinking of…”
Big: “Relax, I’m joking. Besides, I totally knew that was a guy. Come on, let’s head inside.”

Doog: “You ever been here before?”
Big: “Sure. Who hasn’t? I blow a few thousand credits every time I swing through this part of the galaxy. Most of it goes towards hookers, but I like the throw the dice on occasion.”
Doog: “Man, what I would do to trade places with you.”

Doog: “So, I thought Alea sported unique games? These look like common slot machines you’d find at any hole in the wall casino.”
Big: “Yeah, you’ll find this set up at most of the planet’s casinos. The slots weed out the tourists from the true gamblers.”

Doog: “I don’t get it. I mean, why would anyone want to sit in front of a machine that takes there money? Unless, of course, it’s a robotic stripper or something.”
Big: “Yeah, I know. There’s only one kind of slot I play and I always get a jackpot. Speaking of which, check out the hottie at the bar.”

Big: “Hey baby, want to see a trick? I can stir that martini of yours with no hands. Go ahead, set it down on floor.”
Girl: “Get lost.”
Doog: “Does that line ever work?”
Big: “Once, in this movie I did. I guess it doesn’t translate well into real life.”

Doog: “Now this looks different.”
Big: “Yeah, the casinos here in Faustus have several table games you won’t see outside Alea. Most of these games were invented by common mine laborers.”
Doog: “So, should we give it a shot? And by “we“, I mean you. The crew patted me down and took away all my credits. They even changed the pin numbers to our account. I guess they’re afraid I’ll lose all our credits, especially after Alba Pulmone.”
Big: “Hey, I got you buddy. I might have to go cheaper on the escorts later, but I’ll spot you some cash.”

Doog: “Sweet. Well, how about this game?”
Big: “Alean Tiles? I’ll pass. This is more of a skill game that pits gamblers against the dealer.  Besides, I don’t see any chicks at these tables. What’s the purpose of throwing around a lot of money if you can’t impress some chicks?”
Doog: “Well said. Let’s find something else.”

Doog: “What about these blue tables? I see a chick over there.”
Big: “Ah, Pyramid, the best card game on Alea. Nah, I’ll pass.”
Doog: “What? Why?”
Big: “Well, it’s a card game, but it also involves tossing a die. Then there’s math and stuff. Despite my good looks, I’m lacking a bit in the math department. The only math I know is 11 into 1 equals 500 credit’s a month in child support.”
Doog: “Eleven into one….never mind. I get it. Well, lets keep moving.”

Big: “Now this is the best game in the casino.”
Doog: “Ok, you have my attention. What’s it called?”
Big: “It’s called “hot blonde”. I win about eighty percent of the time, ninety five percent if I use my special stash of pills.”
Doog: “I was actually referring to the table game in front of this chick. It looks like  a variation of Roulette. Big?”

Big: “Hey sweet stuff. Wanna play a game with me. I’m guaranteed to win 100% of the time. You might win on occasion. Or you could just fake it.”
Doog: “Big? Big? Are you with me? How do you play this?”
Big: “You play with me baby and you’ll spin an eleven every time. Inches, that is.”
Doog: “Wow, watch it Big. This is a family show.”
Big: “I have eleven reasons you should come with me, my love.”
Lady: “Sigh.”
Big: “I guess I struck out again. Let’s move on.”
Doog: “What about this game?”
Big: “The Wheel is for rookies. If we are going to gamble, let’s hit up the Tesserae tables.”

Doog: “Tesserae. I‘ve heard of that.”
Big: “Yep, easily Alea’s most famous game. It’s known around the galaxy.”

Doog: “So how do you play?”
Big: “It’s a dice game that pits players against one another. The casino takes a cut of every winning roll. That’s how they profit. The goal is to roll three consecutive odd numbers, called a Trio. There’s a catch though. The board has special magnets built from the planet’s Neodymium. These magnets are called Bridges. It is possible to roll three odds in one roll due to the levitating properties of the Bridges. Rolling three odds in one roll is called a Supremacy.”
Doog: “Sounds complicated. Better just give me some money so I can practice.”
Big: “Yeah sure.”

Lady: “Did you say eleven? Maybe we could get a drink.”
Big: “Jackpot!”
Doog: “Hey! Wait Big! You didn’t give me any money! Where are you going?”

Doog: “Well folks, I guess this is where we end it. Hanging around a casino with no money is as useless as wearing protection in Malicanum’s Red Light District. Alea is an interesting place. Although mining is its most important export, it is more well known for its unique gambling games. There a very few people in the galaxy that haven’t at least heard of some of these games. Well, see ya!”
 

Note:
“Pick up a travel size version of Tesserae at your local LIU store and roll yourself a miniature SUPREMACY!”


CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 6 - Episode 13 - Undique Station

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.


                                                                LIU Atlas - Tutari

The Ludgonian Industrial Union’s galaxy contains billions of stars and planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting the rocky, temperate world of Tutari. Tutari is home the technologically advanced Tutarin race. The Tutarin have a diverse, high-tech economy that ranges from mining to biological farming. However, Tutari’s most distinguishing and well known industries is its gene vault. That’s what we’ll be focusing on today.”

Doog: “Tutari’s gene vault is located in a large structure near the planet’s rockier southern hemisphere. This huge structure also houses the employees that work in the vault. Around fifty thousand Tutarin call this place home.”

Doog: “The structure is even larger than it seems. I’m told that extends deep below the planet’s surface. A small opening half way up the structure serves as a landing bay. That’s where we’re headed.”

Haon: “Welcome Doog. I am Haon Lamech, Administrator of the ARK.”
Doog: “The ARK?”
Haon: “Yes, the Archive of Resurrection Keys, commonly referred to as the ARK. The ARK is a bio-repository in which genetic material is stored. It’s a vault to preserve the galaxy’s genetic diversity. It insures this valuable information is never lost.”
Doog: “Really? I have a few socks you could call an ARK. Lots of genetic material stored in there.”
Haon: “Thank you for the disturbing image Doog. Perhaps we should continue on with the tour.”
Doog: “Lead the way.”

Doog: “So what kinds of genes are you guys preserving?”
Haon: “All kinds. Our goal is to preserve every known species in the galaxy.”
Doog: “What about viruses? Specifically STD causing viruses?”
Haon: “Those too. When I say all, I mean all.”
Doog: “Why?”
Haon: “You never know when a species will be valuable. Osmotic Dong Rot plagued my species for millennia, but a few years back we found it contained proteins that help cure the Ferventis Sanguinis Virus. You never know. That’s why we must work quickly to preserve all species. In today’s universe, millions of species go extinct everyday. Terraforming, disease, war, and genocide destroy these species before their true worth can be detected.”
Doog: “Hmm, I guess. So how do you preserve these species?”

Haon: “The first step in preserving a species is breaking its composition down into its smallest form. In many cases, that involves isolating DNA and stem cells. Some species are comprised of rarer or more exotic building blocks, but we have found ways to break them down as well. For instance, energy beings are broken down into their most basic frequencies.”

Doog: “So these guys are extracting DNA?”
Haon: “In this instance, yes. Samples arrive from all across the galaxy. We process the samples into pure DNA. The purified sample is then sent for mapping.”
Doog: “Mapping?”
Haon: “Yes. Follow me.”

Haon: “We have several stations for mapping genomes after samples have been purified. This system maps various chromosomes and places markers in common variation points.”
Doog: “Uh yeah, sure. Sounds sciencey. Not my forte. Hey, speaking of which, kids aren’t really my thing either. You think you can use this thing to do some paternity testing for me? I’ll pay for some false negatives.”
Haon: “We don’t do that here.”
Doog: “Dang.”

Haon: “Purified and mapped samples are then taken to our gene vault for storage. The vault is deep in Tutari’s crust to prevent any radiation damage to the samples. Security is very strict. Many of the samples down in the vault belong to extinct species. Any sample loss effectively ends the species for all eternity. Don’t touch anything.”
Doog: “I get to see the vault?”
Haon: “Yes. But please, please, please, don’t touch anything. Remember, there are quadrillions of samples of species that can not be found anywhere else in the universe. This information is priceless.”

Doog: “This is the vault?”
Haon: “Yes. Thousands of miles of corridors just like this. Each corridor is made up of thousands of individual vaults that store genetic information.”

Haon: “The individual vaults are color coded and labeled with a catalogue number to denote which planet they came from.”

Haon: “This particular series of vaults come from the planet Hwaglia. All of Hwaglia’s native life died off due to extreme pollution. These vaults contain enough information to resurrect most of the planet’s species, if the need should ever arise.”
Doog: “Can we see inside?”
Haon: “I suppose we can for a bit.”

Haon: “The vaults are cryobanks, storing samples at -196° Celsius. This aids in their preservation. We don’t want to keep them open too long.”

Haon: “Each vault contains thousands of preserved species. Looks like we have some of Hwlagia’s avian species here.”

Doog: “Really, I don’t see anything in here?”
Haon: “DOOG! I said not to touch!”
Doog: “Ow! Ow! That’s really cold! It’s hurting my fingers!”

Doog: “Oh man. I, uh, sorry.”
Haon: “I guess the Hwaglian Swamp Birds’ place in this universe is now over. Great job.”
Doog: “My bad. I’m sure it was a great bird.”

Doog: “Well folks, I think I better get to going before someone around here’s starts calculating the cost of my accidental extermination of this extinct bird species. Tutari is an interesting place. One of its structures, known as the ARK, is home to a huge vault that stores much of the galaxies genetic diversity. If the need ever arises, species can be resurrected with the knowledge contained within this vault. See ya!”
 


Note:
The ARK has a vault dedicated to preserving the hundred or so fungal species unique to the Magellan’s bathroom.


CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 6 - Episode 12 - Alea

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.


                                                           LIU Atlas - Amuli Ruunt

The Ludgonian Industrial Union’s galaxy contains billions of stars and planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: ‘Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. We’ve finally returned to filming now that the brief and unproductive revolution has been put to an end. Communications have been fully restored, and the galaxy has returned to normal. At least, that’s what I’m getting paid to say. Who really knows. Anyway, today, we’re visiting Amuli Ruunt, a planet with an extreme elliptical orbit.”

Doog: “This digital image shows an approximation of Amuli Ruunt’s orbit. As you can see, the distance between Amuli Ruunt and its star varies throughout its orbit. During its deep orbit, characterized as orange in the diagram, the planet is frozen solid and covered in ice, but as it gets closer, the ice melts and the planet becomes habitable for a short time. Due to angular momentum, the planet orbits much faster in this habitable zone than it does during its frozen deep orbit. Amuli Ruunt is frozen solid for two standard years, but only thawed and habitable for about nine months. Despite this, people rush to the planet during its short unfrozen period. We’re here to find out why.”

Doog: “Alright folks, I’ve been dropped off in some small settlement near Amuli Ruunt’s equator. The buildings here look rather simple. Most are just small wooden shanties. The people look just as seedy as the architecture, so I’m going to wait for my guide before exploring further.”

Doog: “Ah, you must be my guide.”
Sleg: “Yes, I’m Deputy Sangelo. Everyone here calls me Sleg.”
Doog: “So Sleg, why would anyone bother coming here when you know you have to leave in eight months?”
Sleg: “They come for the Amuli Rush, of course. You’ve heard of the Amuli, right?”
Doog: “Wrong. Never heard of it.”
Sleg: “The Amuli is a vegetable worth its weight in gold. It only grows here on this planet, and obviously, it can only be harvested during the planet’s short habitable season.”
Doog: “So, you’re telling me thousands of people rush to this planet to pick vegetables?”
Sleg: “Yep, but not all come for the Amuli. Many come to get rich off the Amuli prospectors. They sell necessities like tools, food, and energy. There are even some people that sell services, like banking, lodging, and prostitution.”
Doog: “Prostitution?”
Sleg: “Uh, did I say prostitution? I…uh…meant prosthetics, yeah, prosthetics. A good, law-abiding, happily married man like myself would never know about such activities. I must have misspoke.”
Doog: “Yes, of course, prosthetics. I may want to stop in later and see about getting something on my extremity, but for now, maybe we should move on.”

Doog: “So, you’re the law in these parts?”
Sleg: “Yeah. I’m here to keep order during the rush. I enforce land deeds, settle territory disputes, that sort of stuff. Keeps me pretty busy.”
Doog: “I bet, so where are we headed?”
Sleg: “Well, I was thinking I’d take you out of town and show you some of the prospecting. But first, I need to stop by my place and grab some gear.”

Doog: “This is your place? It looks like a ship.”
Sleg: “That’s because it is. As the planet refreezes, the ice encroaches and destroys everything in its path. The LIU won’t build any permanent structures here. So, I live out of this small mobile ship until the rush is over.”
Doog: “So that’s why most of the buildings look so rickety.”
Sleg: “Yep, most are hastily constructed from whatever materials were available.”

Sleg: “Alright, I got my scooter. I’m ready to head out.”
Doog: “Let me guess, you only have one?”
Sleg: “Well, of course. There’s only one of me. Don’t worry, I’ll go slow.”
Doog: “Are you sure there is no way I can catch a ride? Does this thing have pegs? Maybe I can ride on your handlebars?”
Sleg: “Awe heck no! You are not riding on my mustache sicko. I don’t know what kind of man you think I am.”
Doog: “What?! No! Not your handlebar mustache, the handlebars of your scooter. Geez, I don’t like how your mind went there so fast.”
Sleg: “I…umm…the answer is still no. Let’s go.”

Doog: “You do know the definition of slow, right?”

Sleg: “Surveying is a big part of the operations here. There aren’t many natural features here, so distinguishing between claims can be difficult. Lots of quarrels start up over stuff like this. Congruent to the LIU’s strict anti-theft laws, trespassers can be shot if found in another’s claim.”
Doog: ‘Wait, isn’t that what I’m doing right now?”
Sleg: “Yep, so you better stay close to me.”

Flagyll: “Deputy, what brings you out to these parts? I have no quarrels I need help with. I can handle that no good vagabond trailing behind you all on my own. I’m about to shoot him now.”
Sleg: “Hold it. Hold it. He’s with me Flagyll. He’s here doing a show about the Amuli Rush. I figured I’d let him watch you. You’ve always been one of the planets best prospectors.”
Flagyll: “Hmm. I guess I can do that.”

Doog: “Thanks for not shooting me.”
Flagyll: “The day’s not over yet boy. I better not catch you stealing nothing.”
Doog: “Trust me, I’m not stealing anything. I mean, we’re talking about vegetables here. I know they’re worth their weight in gold, but what are we talking about here, ounces? I think you’re safe.”
Flagyll: “He’s never seen an Amuli, Sleg, has he?”
Sleg: “Nope.”
Doog: “What? Are we talking about pounds instead of ounces?”
Flagyll: “More like tons.”
Doog: “Tons!”
Flagyll: “Yep. Come with me, hopefully we can find one for you today.”

Flagyll: “The Amuli is a root tuber, so most of the plant is hidden underground. To survive the long, long winters, the Amuli stores energy in the form of starches in this huge root system. During the ‘thaw’, the Amuli sends up a few sprouts to photosynthesize, but 99.0% of the plant remains hidden. It’s still early in the season so not many sprouts have emerged yet.”
Doog: “If you can’t see the sprouts yet, how do you find the tubers?”
Flagyll: “The Amuli release their waste through their skin creating a change in the soil acidity. I can mix a solution with dirt samples in the area, and determine if the soil here is more acidic. I‘ve been panning this valley for a few days and I think I‘m finally getting close to something.”

Flagyll: “Eureka!”
Doog: “It changed colors. Does that mean we found one?”
Flagyll: “Yes! This is a strong reaction. We must be close.  Look! There! There’s a slight swelling of the ground. Looks like a sprout is emerging!”
Doog: “Yeah, sorry I can‘t share your enthusiasm. We are talking about vegetables after all. I mean, it’s not like you found a one ton Kaadu steak down there.”

Flagyll: “Come on, grab that pick axe over there, give me a hand.”
Doog: “Yeah….no. I’m not a digger.”

Flagyll: “Yes! I was right! A sprout. Woo hoo! I better call some help in. This looks like it could be a big one.”




Three Hours Later…

Doog: “Wow folks, it took forever, but it looks like they finally finished excavating this thing. It’s huge! I never imagined a vegetable this big. Do people eat these things? Insert ‘that‘s what she said’ jokes as needed.”
Sleg: “The Amuli’s starches, which are used to store energy, are highly energetic and rich in carbohydrates. This makes the Amuli an ideal crop for nutrients. After processing, a single Amuli can feed hundreds of people for days. In fact, they say the discovery of the Amuli coincided with a population boom in the LIU Galaxy. More people were able to be fed.”
Doog: “Are they processed on site?”
Sleg: “No. Remember, the LIU has no permanent facilities here. The Amuli are processed in a factory ship in orbit around the planet. After it is fully excavated, Flagyll will call in a transport. They’ll pay him according to the vegetable’s weight, and then they will ship the Amuli into orbit.”

Doog: “How much loot are we talking about here?”
Sleg: “Flagyll gets the biggest cut since he found the Amuli and it is on his claim. He’ll probably get about half a million credits.”
Doog: “Half a million!”
Sleg: “Well yeah. I told you its lucrative. That’s why everyone comes here, to try and strike at rich. Of course, most are not as lucky as Flagyll. They often return home poorer than they were before.”
Flagyll: “Yeah, it’s not really that much if you factor in all the expenses. I had to buy the claim, supplies, tools, and hire these workers to help excavate. Plus, I have to try to make enough these eight months to cover myself for the next two years. I’m unemployed during the planet’s frozen period.”
Doog: “You act as if that’s a bad thing. Work hard one year, make tons of money and take two years off. Sounds like the perfect gig. Oh well, thanks for showing me around guys.”

Doog: “Well folks, Amuli Ruunt is an interesting place. Every two years, the planet’s orbit brings it closer to its parent star causing its ice mantle to recede. The exposed dirt and mud around the planet’s equator are home to a hardy species of plant called the Amuli. The Amuli are essentially huge tubers. They store all the nutrients and water they need to survive the long winters in the bulbous root system. Every thaw, people from around the galaxy flood the planet looking for these nutrient heavy plants. Most fail, but those that succeed make huge profits. Well, I’m off to find me a proper prosthetic. Ah, who am I kidding, I’m not law-abiding or married, I’m just going to say it. Prostitute. I’m getting a prostitute. See ya!”
 

Note:
Have a half million credits? Buy an entire Amuli and enjoy the universe’s largest baked potato! That’s right. The Amuli closely resemble potatoes in texture and taste.


CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 6 - Episode 11 - Tutari

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.


                                                            LIU Atlas - Iunctis

The Ludgonian Industrial Union’s galaxy contains billions of stars and planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today we’re visiting the planet Iunctis. Iunctis is a temperate world with a mix of rolling plains and grassy marshes. I’m told that two sentient races have coevolved here, and supposedly they share one of the more unique relationships in the LIU Galaxy. I guess we have that to look forward to.”

Doog: “Alright folks, I’ve been dropped off on the planet’s surface near one the aforementioned marshes. Either I‘m having a flashback or most of the foliage here has evolved a deep red coloration. It’s weird. I see some activity on the other side of this small lake. Presumably, one of these fine fellows is my guide. Excuse me? Hello?”

VS: “Welcome Doog. We are pleased to have you here.”
Doog: “You’re an interesting looking creature…er…person. Are you my guide?”
VS: “Yes, we are. I am Vef Gefinn and Skýr.”
Doog: “This whole referring to yourself as two people thing is a little creepy. Unless, of course, the other sentient species here is invisible, and he’s standing right next to you.”
VS: “No. I am Vel Gefinn of the Tölur Race, and my endosymbiont is called Skýr. He is of the Vísindi Race.”
Doog: “Well that clears things up….not.”
VS: “Yes, many races find it troublesome to understand. Let me explain. The physical form, the bipedal being you are looking at is me Vel Gefinn. I am of the Tölur Race. Inside my brain, there is a small worm-like creature called Skýr.”
Doog: “Confusing. So Skýr is like a parasite? And he lives in your brain?”
VS: “He is not a parasite. He is an endosymbiont. We have a symbiotic relationship that is beneficial to both races.”
Doog: “How so?”

VS: “Well, the Vísindi get many physical advantages. They used to be confined to their little pools. While inside me, Skýr gains mobility, the use of hands, and even speech. He also gets energy. In return, Skýr has fused many of the neural pathways in my brain giving my brain ten times more speed and capacity.”
Doog: “Dang you’re lucky. The parasites I pick up only give me diarrhea.”
VS: “Again, not a parasite. Now, I’ve explained each race’s benefit in this relationship, but there are also mutual advantages.”
Doog: “Like what?”
VS: “ There are two sentient brains in one head. We can communicate instantly, bounce ideas off each other, and solve problems together. We are never alone, we are joined.”
Doog: “Don’t get all weepy on me.”
VS: “Sorry. So, would you like to see a Vísindi?”
Doog: “Heck yeah! I know it’s weird, but I really want to see you pull a worm out of your brain.”
VS: “No, we not pulling anything from my brain. There are some in this lake.”

Doog: “Holy Kaadu! You have one of those things in your brain!”
VS: “Yes, but not this size. This is an adult Vísindi, the final stage in their life cycle. Skýr is just a larvae. He will not grow into an adult until after I die. He will return to this pool for mating, and then die a short time after.”
Doog: “How do you get the larvae inside you?”

VS: “The adult female Vísindi have ovipositors that inject larvae into our brains through our mouth.”
Doog: “That’s got to be awkward between you and Skýr.”
VS: “How so?”
Doog: “You tongue kissed his mom to bring him into existence.”
VS: “We don’t like to think about that. Shall we continue?”

Doog: “So, what do you guys do here? Any form of economy? Or do you just make out with worms all day.”
VS: “We don’t make out with the Vísindi! Sigh. I’m going to have to show a joining to shut you up. Anyway, where were we? Oh yes, we have a vibrant economy. Our increased intelligence have given us several skills useful to the LIU. Perhaps our greatest achievement is in Mathematics.”
Doog: “Ugh, I hate math. I’ve never really had any use for numbers. So, how much further do we have to go?”
VS: “About a thousand feet.”
Doog: “See. That does nothing for me when you use numbers. Describe it to me in ponies or bananas.”
VS: “Uh…five hundred ponies?”
Doog: “No, that still had numbers in it. Try again. How much further?”
VS: “Big ponies till we get there.”
Doog: “Ugh…so far.”

VS: “We strive to be ecologically friendly so we do not disturb Iunctis’ environment. The Vísindi are dependent on the planet’s swamps to reproduce. We mustn’t pollute them.”

VS: “To achieve this, we’ve relocated most of our industries and homes to deep underground chambers.”

Doog: “What kind of industry is this?”
VS: “It’s not an industry. As promised, it is a joining.”

VS: “This is a deeply religious ceremony for both our races. Until we joined, we never realized our full potential.”

Priest: “Bear witness to the joining! Two souls connected for a lifetime. Neither shall live if the other perishes. Let us begin.”

VS: “The Tölur receive an endosymbiont once they reach maturity. Until then, they wear white to symbolize their purity and readiness to be joined.”

Doog: “Oh gross. That definitely looks like kissing to me.”
VS: “Whatever. I guess our culture is too much for you to handle. Let’s continue.”

VS: “Like I said before. Our races really have a thing for math. We have solved many important theorems, and we’ve even invented a new form of calculus. It looks like my friend here is working on a more advanced statistical modeling system. Interesting stuff.”
Doog: “I can truly say I have no idea what is on the blackboard. This means nothing to me.”
VS: “Well, the limit approached…”

Doog: “No really, don’t waste your time. I don’t need to know. That’s what calculators, computers, and AI’s are for. They do my math.”
VS: “But who writes the enormously complex mathematical algorithms that makes those systems work? Mathematicians.”
Doog: “So you’re telling me you guys program AI’s?”
VS: “Well, we’ve programmed one. Almost all our work goes into improving his systems. All the math we’ve developed and theorems we’ve completed have all gone into making our AI even greater. Would you like to see him?”
Doog: “I guess. I’ve had some mixed experiences when dealing with AI‘s.”

VS: “This is our AI and biggest money maker, Vaticinium. Vaticinium is tasked with predicting the future.”
Doog: “Yeah right. That’s impossible.”
VS: “Not really. Using advanced statistical models, Vaticinium can predict future events with varying amounts of accuracy. The more information he can access, the better the prediction. While Vaticinium cannot predict the action of any one individual, he can see the general flow of events from large groups.”
Doog: “What does he predict?”
VS: “Lots of things, Stock market prices, disasters, wars. He has a success rate of 72%. We’re trying to improve the math everyday so he can get more and more accurate.”

Doog: “And you sell this information to the LIU?”
VS: “Yes. We get paid depending on how accurate the information is. Our stock tips are our biggest money earner. The LIU has made a killing in foreign markets. So, do you want to ask it something? Everyone does.”
Doog: “Uh…yeah. I guess. Uh…let’s see. Will I ever be a millionaire?”
Vat: “No. I am 99.9999997% certain.”
Doog: “Yeah, I thought so. This guy IS pretty accurate.”

Vat: “Creator. I am predicting a massive collapse of the Colnu Galaxy Stock Market due to rapid currency inflation. I am 89.76% certain”
VS: “Very well. Send the information directly to the LIU Finance Minister.”
Vat: “Information has been sent.”
Doog: “Wow. That’s pretty cool. I need one of these things.”

Vat: “THE END OF AN ERA IS UPON US.”
Doog: “Whoa. What was that?”
VS: “I’m not sure. He’s been saying the same thing the last few weeks. Must be some type of programming error. Even his eyes are  glitching.”
Doog: “What if it is not an error. Vaticinium, what do you mean? Can you elaborate?”
Vat: “A STAR-CROSSED LOVER AND HER VAST ARMY OF ROBOTS HAVE ACHIEVED WHAT MANY BELIEVED TO BE IMPOSSIBLE. THE RESISTANCE HAS FAILED. THE END OF AN ERA IS UPON US. HE HAS…” 


Connection failed…

Nuntius Stations # 1-16 have lost contact with the Omni-Star AI…

Please Stand By…
 
Rebooting…
 
Connection failed…
 
Nuntius Stations #1-16 have lost contact with the Omni-Star AI…
 
Receiving Signal…
 
Please Stand By…

Rob: “My name is Rob Satus. As of now, I have assumed control of the Omni-Star AI. Through its systems, I have also assumed control of all communication relays in the galaxy. We will no longer be subject to the media and communication controls imposed by the LIU. I’m not sure how long I will be able to keep control, so we must use this time wisely. It’s time to rise up. It’s time to get our fair share. This is the beginning. This is the revolution.”


CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 6 - Episode 10 - Amuli Ruunt

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.


                                                            LIU Atlas - Udo Mel


The Ludgonian Industrial Union’s galaxy contains billions of stars and planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today we are visiting the ocean planet Udo Mel. Udo Mel, like Udo Messis, is a former member of the Meteon Kingdom.  While the Meteon Kingdom was absorbed into the LIU, the Meteo race still holds some autonomy over these former worlds. Luckily, my old college buddy, Krix “Goob” Jagoober, is a Meteon, and he’s agreed to show us around this world.”

Goob: “Geez, looks like you’ve put on a few pounds, fart breath.”
Doog: “That’s because I’ve been stuffing my face with calamari and clams all week. Oh wait, those are your cousins, right? My bad.”
Goob: “You’ve lost none of your charm.”
Doog: “You either. How ya been? It’s been over a year since we met up.”
Goob: “Yeah, it’s been too long. I was starting to wonder if you got shanked by a prostitute.”
Doog: “Nope, not yet anyway. So, what do you have in store for us?”
Goob: “This is one of my favorite worlds in the Meteon Kingdom. We’re going to have a blast. I see you actually listened and brought your SCUBA gear. Good, because we’re headed underwater.”

Doog: “Wait, what about your boat?”
Goob: “Do I look like I need a boat? I’m a aquatic species for Emperor’s sake. Besides, this isn’t a boat. It’s a floating platform. It serves as an intermediary between the aquatic Syreni race and air breathers like yourself. It also has a subspace communicator that allows the Syreni to stay in touch with the rest of Meteon Kingdom. Now, stop delaying.
Let’s get going.”

Doog: “Wow. It’s pretty clear down here.”
Goob: “Yep. These shallow seas allow plenty of light to reach the surface. The water is pretty warm too.”
Doog: “Yeah, I’m glad its warm, that way, you can’t tell when I’m peeing.”
Goob: “Actually, I could. I’m not wearing a helmet, and my taste and olfactory senses are suited for underwater environments. Don’t do it.”
Doog: “No promises. So what do we have here. Is this a Syreni house?”
Goob: “No, this is part of the communication relay. The Syreni are fully aquatic, so they can’t go to the surface to send subspace signals. We built this so they could communicate with us. They enter a message here, and it is transferred to the floating platform above.”
Doog: “Gotcha. So, where are they?”
Goob: “Right behind you.”

Doog: “What? The fishes carrying boxes?”
Goob: “They’re not fish. They are the Syreni. They’re perfectly adapted to ocean life.”

Doog: ‘I’ll tell you one thing. They are perfectly adapted to being ugly.”
Goob: “They understand basic Doog! Don’t be an idiot.”
Doog: “Good thing they have a memory span of three seconds.”
Goob: “That’s goldfish. The Syreni are highly intelligent. Probably smarter than you.”
Doog: “That’s not saying a lot.”
Goob: “No it isn’t.”
Doog: “My apologies. I’m Doog. And you are?…Oh, I get it. The silent treatment.”
Goob: “The Syreni understand basic but they can’t speak it. And even if they could, these are Syreni females. They don’t speak directly to other males unless it is their mate.”

Goob: “Ah, here we go. Greetings. I am Krix Jagoober, and this is Doog. I sent a communiqué regarding our visit today. Yes. That is right. Doog, Finzhar sends his most sincere welcome. He is glad you could visit.”
Doog: “Are you reading his mind?!”
Goob: “No, the Syreni communicated by deep sound vibrations. The sounds vibrate tiny bones in their skulls allowing them to communicate. My race evolved similar structures, so I am able to understand most of what he is saying.”
Doog: “Whatever. Just stay out of my thoughts.”
Goob: “Finzhar has invited us to his village. We should follow him. Oh, and he said if you insult his wife again, he will remove your small mammalian genitalia.”
Doog: “It’s not small! It‘s mediumish.”

Doog: “Whoa. What is that? Some type of automated death sentry?”
Goob: “No! How did you figure that. It’s a wave power generator. It generates power from waves and ocean currents.”

Goob: “The Syreni don’t use much electricity, but we installed these generators to power the few forms of technology present. In this case, this powers the subspace communicator.”
Doog: “You should have just gone with death sentry. Much cooler. Now I see why no one watches your show.”

Goob: “Here we are. This group of Syreni live in this village.”
Doog: “You call this a village? Looks like some caves.”
Goob: “The Syreni have been living here for millennia. Despite their advanced intelligence, they refuse to live anywhere else. The have strong instinctual ties to this place.”
Doog: “It saves on rent, I guess. But I’m not really seeing this intelligence you keep raving about.”
Goob: “It’s subtle, but I assure you they’re smarter than you think. Take those torches for example. They collect bioluminescent algal species that glow at night and use them to light there caves. Smart, huh?”
Doog: “Yes. Very smart. I now fear the Syreni will rise up and conquer the universe.”
Goob: “Haha. You’re such a smart @$$.”

Goob: “Doog, this is Mirac, chieftain of this group. He welcomes you.”
Doog: “Hey. What’s up?”
Goob: “Mirac has offered you a great honor. He wants you to marry his daughter.”
Doog: “WHAT!”
Goob: “Haha, just kidding. He’s invited you to join today’s hunt.”
Doog: “Hunt? Sure, I’m game. Don‘t scare me like that…”

Goob: “One of the primary sources of food here is the Miniature Tide Eel. The Syreni hunt the eel in groups.”
Doog: “Miniature Eel? Psssh, I can handle that. What do I do?”
Goob: “Let me ask.”

Goob: “All they want you to do is to stand right there.”
Doog: “Right here? And do what?”
Goob: “Be bait.”
Doog: “Bebate? Is that even a word? Wait…did you say ‘ be bait’?!”

Doog: “I don’t want to be bait! Wait! I see something!”

Doog: “Ahhhhhh!!!”

Doog: “Holy Kaadu! Get it! Get it!”

Doog: “You almost got me killed! What about this eel is miniature?”
Goob: “Did I say miniature? I must have misspoke. I actually meant enormous. The water isn’t going to get warmer, is it?”
Doog: “I don’t know about warmer, but it might get browner!”
Goob: “Ew, nasty. I hope you’re kidding.”
Doog: “I won’t know till I get back to my ship and check my underwear. So, why the heck did we just kill this thing?”
Goob: “Food. This eel will feed the village for several days. Before the Syreni developed spears and armor, the Enormous Tide Eel actually fed on them. Looks like the tables have turned.”

Goob: “In honor of your first hunt, Finzhar is offering to give you the best part of the eel, its heart.”
Doog: “Is it good?”
Goob: “Well, I’m a vegetarian, so I can’t be certain. But I hear it is one of the most prime cuts of meat in the LIU Galaxy.”
Doog: “Really? Sure, I’ll try some. Wait. How am I going to eat it with my helmet on?”
Goob: “Ooh, looks like you’re going to miss out.”
Doog: “No! Wait! Shove it in my regulator. I’ll breathe it into my mouth.”
Goob: “I’m not doing that!”
Doog: “Tell me the Syreni, with their infinite knowledge, have at least invented doggie bags.”
Goob: “I doubt it.”
Doog: “Just ask!”
Goob: “You ask! They understand basic!”
Doog: “I doubt they know doggie bags! How do say doggie bad in Syreni? Hummmmm!”
Goob: “You’re just humming. You’re not saying anything!”
Doog: “Am too!”
Goob: “Are not…oh, sorry Finzhar. Finzhar wants us to shut up and stop fighting like women. He said he’ll eat the heart.”
Doog: “Sigh. Fine. What’s next?”

Goob: “We’ve seen what the men do, now it’s time to see what the women are up to.”
Doog: “Do they pick flowers?”

Goob: “No, the Udo Mel Lily is actually very poisonous. You may have noticed the other plants near the village had no flowers, that’s because the Syreni remove them to keep their children safe. There is, however, a species that evolved a resistance to the poison…”

Goob: “…the Udo Mel Stinging Crab. Look, here’s some now.”
Doog: “They don’t look like crabs to me. They look like bees.”
Goob: “Nope, they’re crustaceans. Their two front sets of legs merged and evolved into wing-like fins. This helped them swim higher up and get the topmost flowers.”

Goob: “They also evolved some pretty nasty stingers.”
Doog: “I’d say so. Those babies are like a foot long. Are they dangerous?”
Goob: “Not really. They are usually pretty mellow. If you don’t bother them, they won’t bother you. They do get pretty defensive near their nest. So be careful, because that’s where we are headed next.”

Goob: “The crabs bring the pollen from the Lilies back to their nest. There, they combine it with their saliva and some natural enzymes. This processed substance, called Mel, is then placed into storage pools for their young.”
Doog: “Wait…Mel? You mean ‘Mel’ comes from here? That stuff is famous.”
Goob: “Duh. The planet is called Udo Mel.”
Doog: “I guess I just didn’t put the two together. How do you get it out?”
Goob: “We’ll need to get the crabs out first.”
Doog: “That’s what she said…I mean, let’s do it.”

Goob: “This is the Crab Nuisance Device. The crabs’ nest extends down into the bedrock. This machine delivers strong vibrations that shakes the bedrock. The crabs should flee, at least for as long as the machine is on.”
Doog: “Well, let’s start it up.”

Doog: “Alright folks, we’ve headed down into the lair of the Stinging Crab. There appears to be several pools of Mel.”

Doog: “How are there pools underwater?”
Goob: “The Mel is much heavier and thicker than water. It settles down in the deepest areas.”
Doog: “So wow. I never knew where Mel came from. Folks, if you haven’t heard of Mel then you must not be from the LIU. Mel is healing salve than can cure just about anything.”
Goob: “Well, let’s not get too crazy. It heals almost any wound, but it doesn’t cure sniffles or cancer.”
Doog: “Whatever. So, how do you get it out of here?”

Goob: “We’ve given the Syreni powerful pumps that suck up the Mel. The crabs produce way more than they need. We can easily take 75% of it and not hurt the crab colony.”
Doog: “Is it processed on site?”
Goob: “No, it used to be processed on another Meteon Kingdom world, but the LIU has taken over its production now. It’s way too valuable to leave in our hands.”

Doog: “What are these purple things over here?”
Goob: “Those are Stinging Crab eggs. Don’t mess with them.”
Doog: “Ooooh, I’m scared. There’s not any crabs in here.”
Goob: “Yes, but disturbed eggs release warning pheromones. I don’t care how much the bedrock is vibrating, if the crabs smell that pheromone, they’re coming back.”
Doog: “Well, I guess it’s time for some payback. Remember that whole eel thing? How about I throw some of these eggs at you, and you can fight off some crabs like I fought off the eel.”

Goob: “Don’t be stupid! And what do you mean fought off the eel. You fell over cowering and screaming!”
Doog: “Ew. This thing just sprayed me.”
Goob: “Doog! Get out of there!”

Doog: “You think I’m scared of crabs? I survived the red light district in Malicanum. All I need is some strong antibiotics afterwards.”

Doog: “Ouch! Ouch! Get off me!! Get…Ugh…….”

Goob: “Doog? Are you alright? Doog? You’re not messing with me, are you? Noooo!”

Goob: “I hope this works. Geez you’ve gotten fat!”

Goob: “Come back to me buddy! Don’t go to the light.”
Doog: deep inhale “Ugh. Did I win the fight?”
Goob: “No you moron, you died on me. Thank goodness we were here next to the Mel.”

Doog: “Man, Goob, I don’t know how to thank you. Anything you want, it’s yours.”
Goob: “How about you repay me all the money you’ve borrowed.”
Doog: “Anything that isn’t money related…or anything requires a lot of effort. How about a high five?”
Goob: “Same old Doog.”
Doog: “Well, it was nice to see you again, but I’ve nearly died twice now. That’s my limit per episode. I’ll have to stop by another Meteon world one of these days.”
Goob: “Anytime. And bring my money!”

Doog: “Well folks, Udo Mel is an extremely interesting place. It holds several interesting species, like the Syreni, Enormous Tide Eels, and Stinging Crabs. More importantly, it is the one world in the entire universe that makes Mel, a miracle salve. This stuff has saved countless lives, including my own. Well, until next time, see ya!”




Note:

“When ordering Mel, please do not expect the same results as Doog. Doog was in pure concentrated Mel. The Mel you are purchasing is highly diluted and processed. It will get the job done, but it might take weeks instead of seconds. We recommend Mel be used in conjunction with our Mel Tank.”
 


Note2:
“Udo Mel was the first world in Meteon Kingdom to fall during the Mid-Rim Unification War. The LIU had to stop the Meteon from utilizing this life saving substance.”


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