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Season 6 - Episode 10 - Amuli Ruunt

8/11/2015

LIU Atlas - Amuli Ruunt

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.

LIU Atlas - Amuli Ruunt

The Ludgonian Industrial Union’s galaxy contains billions of stars and planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: ‘Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. We’ve finally returned to filming now that the brief and unproductive revolution has been put to an end. Communications have been fully restored, and the galaxy has returned to normal. At least, that’s what I’m getting paid to say. Who really knows. Anyway, today, we’re visiting Amuli Ruunt, a planet with an extreme elliptical orbit.”

Doog: “This digital image shows an approximation of Amuli Ruunt’s orbit. As you can see, the distance between Amuli Ruunt and its star varies throughout its orbit. During its deep orbit, characterized as orange in the diagram, the planet is frozen solid and covered in ice, but as it gets closer, the ice melts and the planet becomes habitable for a short time. Due to angular momentum, the planet orbits much faster in this habitable zone than it does during its frozen deep orbit. Amuli Ruunt is frozen solid for two standard years, but only thawed and habitable for about nine months. Despite this, people rush to the planet during its short unfrozen period. We’re here to find out why.”

Doog: “Alright folks, I’ve been dropped off in some small settlement near Amuli Ruunt’s equator. The buildings here look rather simple. Most are just small wooden shanties. The people look just as seedy as the architecture, so I’m going to wait for my guide before exploring further.”

Doog: “Ah, you must be my guide.”
Sleg: “Yes, I’m Deputy Sangelo. Everyone here calls me Sleg.”
Doog: “So Sleg, why would anyone bother coming here when you know you have to leave in eight months?”
Sleg: “They come for the Amuli Rush, of course. You’ve heard of the Amuli, right?”
Doog: “Wrong. Never heard of it.”
Sleg: “The Amuli is a vegetable worth its weight in gold. It only grows here on this planet, and obviously, it can only be harvested during the planet’s short habitable season.”
Doog: “So, you’re telling me thousands of people rush to this planet to pick vegetables?”
Sleg: “Yep, but not all come for the Amuli. Many come to get rich off the Amuli prospectors. They sell necessities like tools, food, and energy. There are even some people that sell services, like banking, lodging, and prostitution.”
Doog: “Prostitution?”
Sleg: “Uh, did I say prostitution? I…uh…meant prosthetics, yeah, prosthetics. A good, law-abiding, happily married man like myself would never know about such activities. I must have misspoke.”
Doog: “Yes, of course, prosthetics. I may want to stop in later and see about getting something on my extremity, but for now, maybe we should move on.”

Doog: “So, you’re the law in these parts?”
Sleg: “Yeah. I’m here to keep order during the rush. I enforce land deeds, settle territory disputes, that sort of stuff. Keeps me pretty busy.”
Doog: “I bet, so where are we headed?”
Sleg: “Well, I was thinking I’d take you out of town and show you some of the prospecting. But first, I need to stop by my place and grab some gear.”

Doog: “This is your place? It looks like a ship.”
Sleg: “That’s because it is. As the planet refreezes, the ice encroaches and destroys everything in its path. The LIU won’t build any permanent structures here. So, I live out of this small mobile ship until the rush is over.”
Doog: “So that’s why most of the buildings look so rickety.”
Sleg: “Yep, most are hastily constructed from whatever materials were available.”

Sleg: “Alright, I got my scooter. I’m ready to head out.”
Doog: “Let me guess, you only have one?”
Sleg: “Well, of course. There’s only one of me. Don’t worry, I’ll go slow.”
Doog: “Are you sure there is no way I can catch a ride? Does this thing have pegs? Maybe I can ride on your handlebars?”
Sleg: “Awe heck no! You are not riding on my mustache sicko. I don’t know what kind of man you think I am.”
Doog: “What?! No! Not your handlebar mustache, the handlebars of your scooter. Geez, I don’t like how your mind went there so fast.”
Sleg: “I…umm…the answer is still no. Let’s go.”

Doog: “You do know the definition of slow, right?”

Sleg: “Surveying is a big part of the operations here. There aren’t many natural features here, so distinguishing between claims can be difficult. Lots of quarrels start up over stuff like this. Congruent to the LIU’s strict anti-theft laws, trespassers can be shot if found in another’s claim.”
Doog: ‘Wait, isn’t that what I’m doing right now?”
Sleg: “Yep, so you better stay close to me.”

Flagyll: “Deputy, what brings you out to these parts? I have no quarrels I need help with. I can handle that no good vagabond trailing behind you all on my own. I’m about to shoot him now.”
Sleg: “Hold it. Hold it. He’s with me Flagyll. He’s here doing a show about the Amuli Rush. I figured I’d let him watch you. You’ve always been one of the planets best prospectors.”
Flagyll: “Hmm. I guess I can do that.”

Doog: “Thanks for not shooting me.”
Flagyll: “The day’s not over yet boy. I better not catch you stealing nothing.”
Doog: “Trust me, I’m not stealing anything. I mean, we’re talking about vegetables here. I know they’re worth their weight in gold, but what are we talking about here, ounces? I think you’re safe.”
Flagyll: “He’s never seen an Amuli, Sleg, has he?”
Sleg: “Nope.”
Doog: “What? Are we talking about pounds instead of ounces?”
Flagyll: “More like tons.”
Doog: “Tons!”
Flagyll: “Yep. Come with me, hopefully we can find one for you today.”

Flagyll: “The Amuli is a root tuber, so most of the plant is hidden underground. To survive the long, long winters, the Amuli stores energy in the form of starches in this huge root system. During the ‘thaw’, the Amuli sends up a few sprouts to photosynthesize, but 99.0% of the plant remains hidden. It’s still early in the season so not many sprouts have emerged yet.”
Doog: “If you can’t see the sprouts yet, how do you find the tubers?”
Flagyll: “The Amuli release their waste through their skin creating a change in the soil acidity. I can mix a solution with dirt samples in the area, and determine if the soil here is more acidic. I‘ve been panning this valley for a few days and I think I‘m finally getting close to something.”

Flagyll: “Eureka!”
Doog: “It changed colors. Does that mean we found one?”
Flagyll: “Yes! This is a strong reaction. We must be close. Look! There! There’s a slight swelling of the ground. Looks like a sprout is emerging!”
Doog: “Yeah, sorry I can‘t share your enthusiasm. We are talking about vegetables after all. I mean, it’s not like you found a one ton Kaadu steak down there.”

Flagyll: “Come on, grab that pick axe over there, give me a hand.”
Doog: “Yeah….no. I’m not a digger.”

Flagyll: “Yes! I was right! A sprout. Woo hoo! I better call some help in. This looks like it could be a big one.”

Three Hours Later…

Doog: “Wow folks, it took forever, but it looks like they finally finished excavating this thing. It’s huge! I never imagined a vegetable this big. Do people eat these things? Insert ‘that‘s what she said’ jokes as needed.”
Sleg: “The Amuli’s starches, which are used to store energy, are highly energetic and rich in carbohydrates. This makes the Amuli an ideal crop for nutrients. After processing, a single Amuli can feed hundreds of people for days. In fact, they say the discovery of the Amuli coincided with a population boom in the LIU Galaxy. More people were able to be fed.”
Doog: “Are they processed on site?”
Sleg: “No. Remember, the LIU has no permanent facilities here. The Amuli are processed in a factory ship in orbit around the planet. After it is fully excavated, Flagyll will call in a transport. They’ll pay him according to the vegetable’s weight, and then they will ship the Amuli into orbit.”

Doog: “How much loot are we talking about here?”
Sleg: “Flagyll gets the biggest cut since he found the Amuli and it is on his claim. He’ll probably get about half a million credits.”
Doog: “Half a million!”
Sleg: “Well yeah. I told you its lucrative. That’s why everyone comes here, to try and strike at rich. Of course, most are not as lucky as Flagyll. They often return home poorer than they were before.”
Flagyll: “Yeah, it’s not really that much if you factor in all the expenses. I had to buy the claim, supplies, tools, and hire these workers to help excavate. Plus, I have to try to make enough these eight months to cover myself for the next two years. I’m unemployed during the planet’s frozen period.”
Doog: “You act as if that’s a bad thing. Work hard one year, make tons of money and take two years off. Sounds like the perfect gig. Oh well, thanks for showing me around guys.”

Doog: “Well folks, Amuli Ruunt is an interesting place. Every two years, the planet’s orbit brings it closer to its parent star causing its ice mantle to recede. The exposed dirt and mud around the planet’s equator are home to a hardy species of plant called the Amuli. The Amuli are essentially huge tubers. They store all the nutrients and water they need to survive the long winters in the bulbous root system. Every thaw, people from around the galaxy flood the planet looking for these nutrient heavy plants. Most fail, but those that succeed make huge profits. Well, I’m off to find me a proper prosthetic. Ah, who am I kidding, I’m not law-abiding or married, I’m just going to say it. Prostitute. I’m getting a prostitute. See ya!”

Note:
Have a half million credits? Buy an entire Amuli and enjoy the universe’s largest baked potato! That’s right. The Amuli closely resemble potatoes in texture and taste.

CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 6 - Episode 11 - Tutari

1 Comment

Season 6 - Episode 9 - Iunctis

8/11/2015

2 Comments

LIU Atlas - Iunctis

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.

LIU Atlas - Iunctis

The Ludgonian Industrial Union’s galaxy contains billions of stars and planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today we’re visiting the planet Iunctis. Iunctis is a temperate world with a mix of rolling plains and grassy marshes. I’m told that two sentient races have coevolved here, and supposedly they share one of the more unique relationships in the LIU Galaxy. I guess we have that to look forward to.”

Doog: “Alright folks, I’ve been dropped off on the planet’s surface near one the aforementioned marshes. Either I‘m having a flashback or most of the foliage here has evolved a deep red coloration. It’s weird. I see some activity on the other side of this small lake. Presumably, one of these fine fellows is my guide. Excuse me? Hello?”

VS: “Welcome Doog. We are pleased to have you here.”
Doog: “You’re an interesting looking creature…er…person. Are you my guide?”
VS: “Yes, we are. I am Vef Gefinn and Skýr.”
Doog: “This whole referring to yourself as two people thing is a little creepy. Unless, of course, the other sentient species here is invisible, and he’s standing right next to you.”
VS: “No. I am Vel Gefinn of the Tölur Race, and my endosymbiont is called Skýr. He is of the Vísindi Race.”
Doog: “Well that clears things up….not.”
VS: “Yes, many races find it troublesome to understand. Let me explain. The physical form, the bipedal being you are looking at is me Vel Gefinn. I am of the Tölur Race. Inside my brain, there is a small worm-like creature called Skýr.”
Doog: “Confusing. So Skýr is like a parasite? And he lives in your brain?”
VS: “He is not a parasite. He is an endosymbiont. We have a symbiotic relationship that is beneficial to both races.”
Doog: “How so?”

VS: “Well, the Vísindi get many physical advantages. They used to be confined to their little pools. While inside me, Skýr gains mobility, the use of hands, and even speech. He also gets energy. In return, Skýr has fused many of the neural pathways in my brain giving my brain ten times more speed and capacity.”
Doog: “Dang you’re lucky. The parasites I pick up only give me diarrhea.”
VS: “Again, not a parasite. Now, I’ve explained each race’s benefit in this relationship, but there are also mutual advantages.”
Doog: “Like what?”
VS: “ There are two sentient brains in one head. We can communicate instantly, bounce ideas off each other, and solve problems together. We are never alone, we are joined.”
Doog: “Don’t get all weepy on me.”
VS: “Sorry. So, would you like to see a Vísindi?”
Doog: “Heck yeah! I know it’s weird, but I really want to see you pull a worm out of your brain.”
VS: “No, we not pulling anything from my brain. There are some in this lake.”

Doog: “Holy Kaadu! You have one of those things in your brain!”
VS: “Yes, but not this size. This is an adult Vísindi, the final stage in their life cycle. Skýr is just a larvae. He will not grow into an adult until after I die. He will return to this pool for mating, and then die a short time after.”
Doog: “How do you get the larvae inside you?”

VS: “The adult female Vísindi have ovipositors that inject larvae into our brains through our mouth.”
Doog: “That’s got to be awkward between you and Skýr.”
VS: “How so?”
Doog: “You tongue kissed his mom to bring him into existence.”
VS: “We don’t like to think about that. Shall we continue?”

Doog: “So, what do you guys do here? Any form of economy? Or do you just make out with worms all day.”
VS: “We don’t make out with the Vísindi! Sigh. I’m going to have to show a joining to shut you up. Anyway, where were we? Oh yes, we have a vibrant economy. Our increased intelligence have given us several skills useful to the LIU. Perhaps our greatest achievement is in Mathematics.”
Doog: “Ugh, I hate math. I’ve never really had any use for numbers. So, how much further do we have to go?”
VS: “About a thousand feet.”
Doog: “See. That does nothing for me when you use numbers. Describe it to me in ponies or bananas.”
VS: “Uh…five hundred ponies?”
Doog: “No, that still had numbers in it. Try again. How much further?”
VS: “Big ponies till we get there.”
Doog: “Ugh…so far.”

VS: “We strive to be ecologically friendly so we do not disturb Iunctis’ environment. The Vísindi are dependent on the planet’s swamps to reproduce. We mustn’t pollute them.”

VS: “To achieve this, we’ve relocated most of our industries and homes to deep underground chambers.”

Doog: “What kind of industry is this?”
VS: “It’s not an industry. As promised, it is a joining.”

VS: “This is a deeply religious ceremony for both our races. Until we joined, we never realized our full potential.”

Priest: “Bear witness to the joining! Two souls connected for a lifetime. Neither shall live if the other perishes. Let us begin.”

VS: “The Tölur receive an endosymbiont once they reach maturity. Until then, they wear white to symbolize their purity and readiness to be joined.”

Doog: “Oh gross. That definitely looks like kissing to me.”
VS: “Whatever. I guess our culture is too much for you to handle. Let’s continue.”

VS: “Like I said before. Our races really have a thing for math. We have solved many important theorems, and we’ve even invented a new form of calculus. It looks like my friend here is working on a more advanced statistical modeling system. Interesting stuff.”
Doog: “I can truly say I have no idea what is on the blackboard. This means nothing to me.”
VS: “Well, the limit approached…”

Doog: “No really, don’t waste your time. I don’t need to know. That’s what calculators, computers, and AI’s are for. They do my math.”
VS: “But who writes the enormously complex mathematical algorithms that makes those systems work? Mathematicians.”
Doog: “So you’re telling me you guys program AI’s?”
VS: “Well, we’ve programmed one. Almost all our work goes into improving his systems. All the math we’ve developed and theorems we’ve completed have all gone into making our AI even greater. Would you like to see him?”
Doog: “I guess. I’ve had some mixed experiences when dealing with AI‘s.”

VS: “This is our AI and biggest money maker, Vaticinium. Vaticinium is tasked with predicting the future.”
Doog: “Yeah right. That’s impossible.”
VS: “Not really. Using advanced statistical models, Vaticinium can predict future events with varying amounts of accuracy. The more information he can access, the better the prediction. While Vaticinium cannot predict the action of any one individual, he can see the general flow of events from large groups.”
Doog: “What does he predict?”
VS: “Lots of things, Stock market prices, disasters, wars. He has a success rate of 72%. We’re trying to improve the math everyday so he can get more and more accurate.”

Doog: “And you sell this information to the LIU?”
VS: “Yes. We get paid depending on how accurate the information is. Our stock tips are our biggest money earner. The LIU has made a killing in foreign markets. So, do you want to ask it something? Everyone does.”
Doog: “Uh…yeah. I guess. Uh…let’s see. Will I ever be a millionaire?”
Vat: “No. I am 99.9999997% certain.”
Doog: “Yeah, I thought so. This guy IS pretty accurate.”

Vat: “Creator. I am predicting a massive collapse of the Colnu Galaxy Stock Market due to rapid currency inflation. I am 89.76% certain”
VS: “Very well. Send the information directly to the LIU Finance Minister.”
Vat: “Information has been sent.”
Doog: “Wow. That’s pretty cool. I need one of these things.”

Vat: “THE END OF AN ERA IS UPON US.”
Doog: “Whoa. What was that?”
VS: “I’m not sure. He’s been saying the same thing the last few weeks. Must be some type of programming error. Even his eyes are glitching.”
Doog: “What if it is not an error. Vaticinium, what do you mean? Can you elaborate?”
Vat: “A STAR-CROSSED LOVER AND HER VAST ARMY OF ROBOTS HAVE ACHIEVED WHAT MANY BELIEVED TO BE IMPOSSIBLE. THE RESISTANCE HAS FAILED. THE END OF AN ERA IS UPON US. HE HAS…”

Connection failed…

Nuntius Stations # 1-16 have lost contact with the Omni-Star AI…

Please Stand By…

Rebooting…

Connection failed…

Nuntius Stations #1-16 have lost contact with the Omni-Star AI…

Receiving Signal…

Please Stand By…

Rob: “My name is Rob Satus. As of now, I have assumed control of the Omni-Star AI. Through its systems, I have also assumed control of all communication relays in the galaxy. We will no longer be subject to the media and communication controls imposed by the LIU. I’m not sure how long I will be able to keep control, so we must use this time wisely. It’s time to rise up. It’s time to get our fair share. This is the beginning. This is the revolution.”

CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 6 - Episode 10 - Amuli Ruunt

2 Comments

Season 6 - Episode 8 - Udo Mel

8/11/2015

2 Comments

LIU Atlas - Udo Mel

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.

LIU Atlas - Udo Mel

The Ludgonian Industrial Union’s galaxy contains billions of stars and planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today we are visiting the ocean planet Udo Mel. Udo Mel, like Udo Messis, is a former member of the Meteon Kingdom. While the Meteon Kingdom was absorbed into the LIU, the Meteo race still holds some autonomy over these former worlds. Luckily, my old college buddy, Krix “Goob” Jagoober, is a Meteon, and he’s agreed to show us around this world.”

Goob: “Geez, looks like you’ve put on a few pounds, fart breath.”
Doog: “That’s because I’ve been stuffing my face with calamari and clams all week. Oh wait, those are your cousins, right? My bad.”
Goob: “You’ve lost none of your charm.”
Doog: “You either. How ya been? It’s been over a year since we met up.”
Goob: “Yeah, it’s been too long. I was starting to wonder if you got shanked by a prostitute.”
Doog: “Nope, not yet anyway. So, what do you have in store for us?”
Goob: “This is one of my favorite worlds in the Meteon Kingdom. We’re going to have a blast. I see you actually listened and brought your SCUBA gear. Good, because we’re headed underwater.”

Doog: “Wait, what about your boat?”
Goob: “Do I look like I need a boat? I’m a aquatic species for Emperor’s sake. Besides, this isn’t a boat. It’s a floating platform. It serves as an intermediary between the aquatic Syreni race and air breathers like yourself. It also has a subspace communicator that allows the Syreni to stay in touch with the rest of Meteon Kingdom. Now, stop delaying.
Let’s get going.”

Doog: “Wow. It’s pretty clear down here.”
Goob: “Yep. These shallow seas allow plenty of light to reach the surface. The water is pretty warm too.”
Doog: “Yeah, I’m glad its warm, that way, you can’t tell when I’m peeing.”
Goob: “Actually, I could. I’m not wearing a helmet, and my taste and olfactory senses are suited for underwater environments. Don’t do it.”
Doog: “No promises. So what do we have here. Is this a Syreni house?”
Goob: “No, this is part of the communication relay. The Syreni are fully aquatic, so they can’t go to the surface to send subspace signals. We built this so they could communicate with us. They enter a message here, and it is transferred to the floating platform above.”
Doog: “Gotcha. So, where are they?”
Goob: “Right behind you.”

Doog: “What? The fishes carrying boxes?”
Goob: “They’re not fish. They are the Syreni. They’re perfectly adapted to ocean life.”

Doog: ‘I’ll tell you one thing. They are perfectly adapted to being ugly.”
Goob: “They understand basic Doog! Don’t be an idiot.”
Doog: “Good thing they have a memory span of three seconds.”
Goob: “That’s goldfish. The Syreni are highly intelligent. Probably smarter than you.”
Doog: “That’s not saying a lot.”
Goob: “No it isn’t.”
Doog: “My apologies. I’m Doog. And you are?…Oh, I get it. The silent treatment.”
Goob: “The Syreni understand basic but they can’t speak it. And even if they could, these are Syreni females. They don’t speak directly to other males unless it is their mate.”

Goob: “Ah, here we go. Greetings. I am Krix Jagoober, and this is Doog. I sent a communiqué regarding our visit today. Yes. That is right. Doog, Finzhar sends his most sincere welcome. He is glad you could visit.”
Doog: “Are you reading his mind?!”
Goob: “No, the Syreni communicated by deep sound vibrations. The sounds vibrate tiny bones in their skulls allowing them to communicate. My race evolved similar structures, so I am able to understand most of what he is saying.”
Doog: “Whatever. Just stay out of my thoughts.”
Goob: “Finzhar has invited us to his village. We should follow him. Oh, and he said if you insult his wife again, he will remove your small mammalian genitalia.”
Doog: “It’s not small! It‘s mediumish.”

Doog: “Whoa. What is that? Some type of automated death sentry?”
Goob: “No! How did you figure that. It’s a wave power generator. It generates power from waves and ocean currents.”

Goob: “The Syreni don’t use much electricity, but we installed these generators to power the few forms of technology present. In this case, this powers the subspace communicator.”
Doog: “You should have just gone with death sentry. Much cooler. Now I see why no one watches your show.”

Goob: “Here we are. This group of Syreni live in this village.”
Doog: “You call this a village? Looks like some caves.”
Goob: “The Syreni have been living here for millennia. Despite their advanced intelligence, they refuse to live anywhere else. The have strong instinctual ties to this place.”
Doog: “It saves on rent, I guess. But I’m not really seeing this intelligence you keep raving about.”
Goob: “It’s subtle, but I assure you they’re smarter than you think. Take those torches for example. They collect bioluminescent algal species that glow at night and use them to light there caves. Smart, huh?”
Doog: “Yes. Very smart. I now fear the Syreni will rise up and conquer the universe.”
Goob: “Haha. You’re such a smart @$$.”

Goob: “Doog, this is Mirac, chieftain of this group. He welcomes you.”
Doog: “Hey. What’s up?”
Goob: “Mirac has offered you a great honor. He wants you to marry his daughter.”
Doog: “WHAT!”
Goob: “Haha, just kidding. He’s invited you to join today’s hunt.”
Doog: “Hunt? Sure, I’m game. Don‘t scare me like that…”

Goob: “One of the primary sources of food here is the Miniature Tide Eel. The Syreni hunt the eel in groups.”
Doog: “Miniature Eel? Psssh, I can handle that. What do I do?”
Goob: “Let me ask.”

Goob: “All they want you to do is to stand right there.”
Doog: “Right here? And do what?”
Goob: “Be bait.”
Doog: “Bebate? Is that even a word? Wait…did you say ‘ be bait’?!”

Doog: “I don’t want to be bait! Wait! I see something!”

Doog: “Ahhhhhh!!!”

Doog: “Holy Kaadu! Get it! Get it!”

Doog: “You almost got me killed! What about this eel is miniature?”
Goob: “Did I say miniature? I must have misspoke. I actually meant enormous. The water isn’t going to get warmer, is it?”
Doog: “I don’t know about warmer, but it might get browner!”
Goob: “Ew, nasty. I hope you’re kidding.”
Doog: “I won’t know till I get back to my ship and check my underwear. So, why the heck did we just kill this thing?”
Goob: “Food. This eel will feed the village for several days. Before the Syreni developed spears and armor, the Enormous Tide Eel actually fed on them. Looks like the tables have turned.”

Goob: “In honor of your first hunt, Finzhar is offering to give you the best part of the eel, its heart.”
Doog: “Is it good?”
Goob: “Well, I’m a vegetarian, so I can’t be certain. But I hear it is one of the most prime cuts of meat in the LIU Galaxy.”
Doog: “Really? Sure, I’ll try some. Wait. How am I going to eat it with my helmet on?”
Goob: “Ooh, looks like you’re going to miss out.”
Doog: “No! Wait! Shove it in my regulator. I’ll breathe it into my mouth.”
Goob: “I’m not doing that!”
Doog: “Tell me the Syreni, with their infinite knowledge, have at least invented doggie bags.”
Goob: “I doubt it.”
Doog: “Just ask!”
Goob: “You ask! They understand basic!”
Doog: “I doubt they know doggie bags! How do say doggie bad in Syreni? Hummmmm!”
Goob: “You’re just humming. You’re not saying anything!”
Doog: “Am too!”
Goob: “Are not…oh, sorry Finzhar. Finzhar wants us to shut up and stop fighting like women. He said he’ll eat the heart.”
Doog: “Sigh. Fine. What’s next?”

Goob: “We’ve seen what the men do, now it’s time to see what the women are up to.”
Doog: “Do they pick flowers?”

Goob: “No, the Udo Mel Lily is actually very poisonous. You may have noticed the other plants near the village had no flowers, that’s because the Syreni remove them to keep their children safe. There is, however, a species that evolved a resistance to the poison…”

Goob: “…the Udo Mel Stinging Crab. Look, here’s some now.”
Doog: “They don’t look like crabs to me. They look like bees.”
Goob: “Nope, they’re crustaceans. Their two front sets of legs merged and evolved into wing-like fins. This helped them swim higher up and get the topmost flowers.”

Goob: “They also evolved some pretty nasty stingers.”
Doog: “I’d say so. Those babies are like a foot long. Are they dangerous?”
Goob: “Not really. They are usually pretty mellow. If you don’t bother them, they won’t bother you. They do get pretty defensive near their nest. So be careful, because that’s where we are headed next.”

Goob: “The crabs bring the pollen from the Lilies back to their nest. There, they combine it with their saliva and some natural enzymes. This processed substance, called Mel, is then placed into storage pools for their young.”
Doog: “Wait…Mel? You mean ‘Mel’ comes from here? That stuff is famous.”
Goob: “Duh. The planet is called Udo Mel.”
Doog: “I guess I just didn’t put the two together. How do you get it out?”
Goob: “We’ll need to get the crabs out first.”
Doog: “That’s what she said…I mean, let’s do it.”

Goob: “This is the Crab Nuisance Device. The crabs’ nest extends down into the bedrock. This machine delivers strong vibrations that shakes the bedrock. The crabs should flee, at least for as long as the machine is on.”
Doog: “Well, let’s start it up.”

Doog: “Alright folks, we’ve headed down into the lair of the Stinging Crab. There appears to be several pools of Mel.”

Doog: “How are there pools underwater?”
Goob: “The Mel is much heavier and thicker than water. It settles down in the deepest areas.”
Doog: “So wow. I never knew where Mel came from. Folks, if you haven’t heard of Mel then you must not be from the LIU. Mel is healing salve than can cure just about anything.”
Goob: “Well, let’s not get too crazy. It heals almost any wound, but it doesn’t cure sniffles or cancer.”
Doog: “Whatever. So, how do you get it out of here?”

Goob: “We’ve given the Syreni powerful pumps that suck up the Mel. The crabs produce way more than they need. We can easily take 75% of it and not hurt the crab colony.”
Doog: “Is it processed on site?”
Goob: “No, it used to be processed on another Meteon Kingdom world, but the LIU has taken over its production now. It’s way too valuable to leave in our hands.”

Doog: “What are these purple things over here?”
Goob: “Those are Stinging Crab eggs. Don’t mess with them.”
Doog: “Ooooh, I’m scared. There’s not any crabs in here.”
Goob: “Yes, but disturbed eggs release warning pheromones. I don’t care how much the bedrock is vibrating, if the crabs smell that pheromone, they’re coming back.”
Doog: “Well, I guess it’s time for some payback. Remember that whole eel thing? How about I throw some of these eggs at you, and you can fight off some crabs like I fought off the eel.”

Goob: “Don’t be stupid! And what do you mean fought off the eel. You fell over cowering and screaming!”
Doog: “Ew. This thing just sprayed me.”
Goob: “Doog! Get out of there!”

Doog: “You think I’m scared of crabs? I survived the red light district in Malicanum. All I need is some strong antibiotics afterwards.”

Doog: “Ouch! Ouch! Get off me!! Get…Ugh…….”

Goob: “Doog? Are you alright? Doog? You’re not messing with me, are you? Noooo!”

Goob: “I hope this works. Geez you’ve gotten fat!”

Goob: “Come back to me buddy! Don’t go to the light.”
Doog: deep inhale “Ugh. Did I win the fight?”
Goob: “No you moron, you died on me. Thank goodness we were here next to the Mel.”

Doog: “Man, Goob, I don’t know how to thank you. Anything you want, it’s yours.”
Goob: “How about you repay me all the money you’ve borrowed.”
Doog: “Anything that isn’t money related…or anything requires a lot of effort. How about a high five?”
Goob: “Same old Doog.”
Doog: “Well, it was nice to see you again, but I’ve nearly died twice now. That’s my limit per episode. I’ll have to stop by another Meteon world one of these days.”
Goob: “Anytime. And bring my money!”

Doog: “Well folks, Udo Mel is an extremely interesting place. It holds several interesting species, like the Syreni, Enormous Tide Eels, and Stinging Crabs. More importantly, it is the one world in the entire universe that makes Mel, a miracle salve. This stuff has saved countless lives, including my own. Well, until next time, see ya!”

Note:

“When ordering Mel, please do not expect the same results as Doog. Doog was in pure concentrated Mel. The Mel you are purchasing is highly diluted and processed. It will get the job done, but it might take weeks instead of seconds. We recommend Mel be used in conjunction with our Mel Tank.”

Note2:
“Udo Mel was the first world in Meteon Kingdom to fall during the Mid-Rim Unification War. The LIU had to stop the Meteon from utilizing this life saving substance.”

CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 6 - Episode 9 - Iunctis

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Season 6 - Episode 7 - Barathrum

8/11/2015

2 Comments

LIU Atlas - Barathrum

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.

LIU Atlas - Barathrum

The Ludgonian Industrial Union's galaxy contains billions of stars and billions of planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today we’re visiting the gas giant Barathrum. Barathrum is in a class of gas giants called ice giants. Barathrum is made up of only thirty percent hydrogen, with volatiles like water, methane, and ammonia making the up the majority of its atmosphere. A cyclone, larger than most terrestrial planets, spins around the planet’s equator. This cyclone has been stable since its discovery almost five centuries ago. Oh yeah, one more thing. The cyclone is inhabited. Yeah, you heard that right.”

Doog: “An arcology floats deep down within the abyss of the cyclone. As we learned on Adiutrix, arcologies are self-sufficient, requiring no outside assistance. The arcology makes it own food, air, and energy. The arcology stays afloat using advanced repulsor technology that rides the planet’s strong magnetic field lines.”

Doog: “The upper half of the arcology looks to be a large biosphere. This is a popular feature with arcologies as it helps process water and oxygen. Ah, the Barath, the race that calls this cyclone home, have given us docking rights. It’s time to head inside.”

Punag: “Timbaya Doog. I am Punag-Uyon, the democratically elected leader of this facility.”
Doog: “Nice to meet you, Poontang. Wow, you’re a tall species.”
Punag: “That’s Punag, Punag-Uyon. But, yes, thank you. We are indeed tall compared to your standards. Our original homeworld had weaker gravity, and it allowed us to evolve the physical characteristic.”
Doog: “So this isn’t your original homeworld?”
Punag: “No, we’ve relocated here from the solar system’s second planet.”
Doog: “You entire race relocated?”
Punag: “Yes.”
Doog: “Why?”

Punag: “The various Barathian tribes of the old world fought several brutal wars over the planet’s limited resources. We nearly destroyed ourselves. We came to realize that no matter how much we invested into diplomacy, we were doomed to fight endlessly as long as a disparity of resources existed. We made a decision to invest in this arcology and relocate here, where resources are nearly endless. With everyone getting an equal share of resources here, the fighting ended, and we began the era of peace.”
Doog: “So you got yourself a little utopia here? Nice.”
Punag: “Nearly. We were on the verge of a perfect society until we were discovered by the LIU. Equality, especially financially, does not fit well in the LIU economic model. We’ve had to make adjustments to avoid the LIU’s wrath.”
Doog: “Like what?”

Punag: “The original ideas behind this arcology were automation and efficiency. We would never take more than we needed from the planet. The systems were all meant to be fully recyclable. Computers would control most of these systems so the residents would never have to work. They would be free to study, interact, and find inner-peace. More importantly, the removal of jobs ended any sense of a class system. Everyone was equal. Unfortunately, the power demands of the industries forced upon us have forced us to shut down the automation computers. We have work again.”
Doog: “I feel you on that. Jobs suck.“
Punag: “Yes. And some more than others. Working the food fields is a particularly hard endeavor. No one wants to have this job, but we have to make someone do it.”
Doog: “Yeah, agriculture really sucks. I wouldn’t want do it. So, what’s been forced upon you?”
Punag: “Follow me.”

Punag: “The arcology was originally designed to have a near-closed water system. Water would be recycled using the biosphere. We would only need to take a small amount of water from the planet to occasionally refresh the system. This water was obtained from the abundant ices in the atmosphere.”
Doog: “And now the LIU wants you to produce more water?”
Punag: “Yes, water is in high demand, especially on desert planets. With a water retrieval system already installed, the LIU believed it should be put to use. So, instead of extracting water every few months, we are continuously extracting it.”

Doog: “I guess that’s not ideal, but I’ve seen the LIU make people do far worse. I think you‘re getting off easy.”
Punag: “Not that easy. Water extraction takes lots of power. There is more than water ice in this atmosphere. We have to separate the water ice from the ammonia and methane ices.”
Doog: “So this is the power draw that forced you to shut down your automation systems?”
Punag: “Partially. Come on, I’ll show you.”

Punag: “This is the arcology’s power station. All of our power is derived from the four wind turbines on the exterior of the arcology.”
Doog: “Yeah, I saw those during my approach.”
Punag: “Yes. The turbines are turned by the strong winds of the cyclone. These winds, in excess of 1,300mph, provide all the power this arcology needs. Well, at least they used to.”

Punag: “Using mapping scans of the cyclone, we position the arcology in the most ideal winds, near the cyclone‘s eye wall. This used to provide all the power we ever needed, but recently we’ve become an energy importer. Now we have to purchase power from other worlds.”
Doog: “If you’re already importing power, why don’t you import enough to get the automation systems online? At least that would eliminate one problem.”
Punag: “And it would put us ever more in debt to the LIU. No thanks. We’re barely able to keep up as it is.”

Doog: “When we were in the water room earlier, you said it was only partially responsible for the power shortages. What other industries are responsible?”
Punag: “The main culprit is our new mining industry.”
Doog: “What do you mine?”
Punag: “Metallic hydrogen from deep in the planet’s core.”
Doog: “Metallic? How does hydrogen become metallic?”
Punag: “If you look at the periodic table, hydrogen is at the top of the alkali metal column. As we all know, hydrogen is far from a metal under ordinary conditions, but at hundreds of gigapascals of pressure, hydrogen does in fact become a metal. These pressures are hard to recreate artificially, but are easily achieved in the core of large gas planets.”
Doog: “And you go down there and mine it?”
Punag: “Well, not all the way down there. We’d be crushed hundreds of miles before we reached the core. We have devised another way. Come on, we’re almost there.”

Punag: “To mine the hydrogen, we’ve constructed an additional arcology even deeper in the atmosphere. To get there, we’ll need to utilize our teleportation system.”
Doog: “Beam me up…er, down.”

Punag: “My race developed teleportation technology many years ago, but we never utilized it as it consumes enormous amounts of power. We’ve been forced to use it again. Keep still. The process is beginning.”

Doog: “Whoa, this feels weird!”

Punag: “The sub-arcology rests in a layer of supercritical fluids at extreme temperatures. An advanced shielding system prevents the arcology from being crushed and irradiated. A failure of this system would result in instantaneous death.”
Doog: “Comforting…”
Punag: “Not really. This is the deepest anyone has gone in a gas giant. The only reason we can even get this deep is because of the cyclone. The cyclone is a massive low pressure system. It alleviates some of the pressure.”

Punag: “We’re here.”
Doog: “Uhh, Poontang, I think we’ve had a malfunction.”
Punag: “Ah, yes we have. It appears you lost your pants. No worries. This is a common occurrence. Teleporting through the sub-arcology’s shields is difficult. Sometimes items get held up for a bit. I’m sure they’ll show up eventually.”

Doog: “No worries! No %&*@ing worries! Are you kidding me! Ahhhh!”
Punag: “Relax Doog. They’re just pants. Just be thankful you still have your underwear.”
Doog: “I don’t care about my pants! Where is my MICROPHONE!!?!”

Doog: “Oh no. Oh no. I hope he’s OK. I hope he’s OK.”
Punag: “Are you having a nervous breakdown?”
Doog: “I’m going to have to start killing people until he shows up. Yes. Yes. That sounds good. Who’s first?”
Punag: “That’s not necessary. The detectors found it. It will be here in a few seconds. Just relax.”
Doog: “Ok. Whew.”
Punag: “You know we have a pretty good psychiatrist onboard. It might be a good idea to have a chat with him before you leave.”
Doog: “I might take you up on that.”

Punag: “You know, we could have waited for your pants too.”
Doog: “Nah, I like to air it out on occasion. Besides, I got my microphone back, that’s all that matters. So, what’s this?”

Punag: “This is the deep core teleportation device. It is much more powerful than the personal teleporters. Since we can’t personally go to the core, we teleport metallic hydrogen into the arcology. Look, she’s beginning a teleportation now.”

Punag: “This requires extreme amounts of energy, but it is the only way to extract metallic hydrogen from a gas giant.”
Doog: “It remains a metal even after you taken it out of the high pressures?”
Punag: “Yes. It is metastable, meaning it keeps its form until disturbed.”
Doog: “What is it used for?”
Punag: “Metallic hydrogen is a superconductor even at room temperatures. It rivals Muspellian Steel in that regard. It is also an extremely efficient fuel. By converting the metal back to its original form, it releases tons of energy. Clean energy.”
Doog: “Fun stuff. Anything else?”
Punag: “No. I think we covered it all.”

Doog: “Well folks, Barathrum is an interesting place. The technologically advanced Barath species relocated their entire civilization to an arcology inside the planet’s massive cyclone. They once approached a perfect utopian society, but were forced into the LIU’s economic empire. Now, they produce water and metallic hydrogen. Well, see ya!”

Note:

Doctor: “So, what would you like to discuss first, your microphone attachment or the fact you have no pants on?”
Doog: “Neither.”
Doctor: ‘Excuse me?”
Doog: “I’m not here to talk. I just really needed a nap. The beds on the Magellan leave a lot to be desired.”
Doctor: “Maybe we should…”
Doog: “Shhh! I’m trying to take a nap over here. And don’t think about touching my mic while I sleep.”
Doctor: “Metallic hydrogen is metastable, you…not so much.”

CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 6 - Episode 8 - Udo Mel

2 Comments

Season 6 - Episode 6 - Semita Lucis System

8/11/2015

1 Comment

LIU Atlas - Semita Lucis System

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.

LIU Atlas - Semita Lucis System

The Ludgonian Industrial Union's galaxy contains billions of stars and billions of planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to a special edition episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today we’re visiting the Semita Lucis System, a set of binary stars. The system is comprised of two stars: Lucis, a yellow hypergiant star, and Semita, a red giant star. The two stars orbit a common barycenter in an elliptical orbit. A small space station rests in between the two stars in the system’s L1 Point. We’re headed here to recharge our fuel cells. Our rescuers on Horreum provided us just enough power to reach this system.”

Doog: “The station is oddly shaped. The majority of it looks like a large ring. A small spherical area juts out from the ring. That’s where we’re headed. We’ve secured docking rights and we’re headed inside.”

Bart: “My men told me you wanted me down here. Is something wrong?”
Doog: “So you’re Bart? I’m Doog. I have this show on TV2 called LIU Atlas.”
Bart: “Sorry. I’ve never heard of it. I’m usually too busy to watch TV.”
Doog: “Are you sure? My misadventures are famous.”
Bart: “Yes. I’m sure. Look, I don’t have time for this. We don’t usually sell energy to ships your size. We usually sell power to large tankers. I heard you were stranded without power so I made an exception for you. Don’t make me regret my decision.”
Doog: “Well, here’s the thing, we don’t have a lot of credits. I may have gambled most of our profits away.”
Bart: “What does that have to do with me?”
Doog: “Well, if we could somehow do a show while we charge up our ship, I can actually afford to pay you.”
Bart: “Wait! You mean you can’t pay us now!?”
Doog: “Did I forget to mention that before we started refueling? My bad.”

Bart: “Grrr. I guess we have no choice. How long is this going to take?”
Doog: “Judging by these fuel prices…I’d say twenty minutes at the maximum.”
Bart: “Sigh. I really don’t have a lot of time. We’re approaching the Transfer. How about I sell the energy to you at cost and we make it ten minutes?”
Doog: “If that’s the case, how about you give it to me for free and I just leave now? That would save you all kinds of time.”
Bart: “You’re pushing it. This is the LIU. Nothing is free. Follow me.”

Bart: “This is the Power Ring’s main control room.”
Doog: “Wait. Start from the beginning. What’s the Power Ring?”
Bart: “That’s the name of this station. There are three station’s like this spread around the LIU Galaxy’s elliptical binary stars. The stations collect energy from the stars.”
Doog: “How do you collect energy from stars? And why elliptical binaries?

Bart: “Some elliptical binaries, like the Semita Lucis System, undergo a process called mass transfer. In this case, Lucis’ mass has exceeded its Roche Lobe, so its outer plasma layers are transferred to Semita when the two stars make their closest approach. If you look at this simulation on the horizontal screen, you’ll see the estimated path of this mass transfer.”
Doog: “And you collect this plasma?”
Bart: “Yes. The station’s ring is designed to capture this plasma trail and store its energy.”

Bart: “At the peak of the transfer, this plasma trail releases almost one yottajoule of energy. Our goal is to capture at least 500 zettajoules of this.”
Doog: “Is that a lot?”
Bart: “Put it this way, most civilized worlds use 1 to 5 zettajoules a year depending on how developed they are. If we
successfully capture 500 zettajoules of energy, then we can power approximately 150 worlds for an entire year.”
Doog: “Wow that’s a lot.”
Bart: “Yeah, but it hardly puts a dent in the millions of inhabited worlds. We do our part, I guess.”

Bart: “To ensure we capture the maximum amount of energy, we’ve installed sensors all over the ring. We want to position the ring so each sensor position receives equal amounts of power.”
Doog: “Things don’t look very equal.”
Bart: “Yes, but the transfer has yet to begin. The sensors are just picking up left over radiation from the last transfer. Once the next transfer begins, these sensors will help us to align the ring properly.”

Bart: “We’re headed to ring portion of the station. This part of the station is insulated from the spherical portion for safety reasons. Please be cautious. The amount of amps flowing this portion of the station can kill you a million times over.”
Doog: “Well that’s comforting.”

Bart: “The superstructure of the ring is made of hyperconductive materials that absorb the plasma trail and convert it to electricity. Collection is the easy part. Storing this much energy is the hard part. Let’s head to the final part of the tour.”

Bart: “Most of the ring is made up of huge power cells like this. It’s essentially a gigantic battery. The cells use Fovean technology.”
Doog: “So then what?”
Bart: “We sell the energy to various energy deprived planets, like the galaxy’s fourteen Ecumenopoli. They use much more power than they can produce. No matter who gets the energy, we hope to unload the entire 500 zettajoules before the next transfer begins.”
Doog: “How often does the transfer take place?”
Bart: “About every two years.”
Doog: “Lot’s of downtime, huh?”
Bart: “Not really. Maintaining power storage and preparing for the next transfer keeps us pretty busy.”
Doog: “Yeah sure. Well, I guess our ten minutes are up. Thanks for your time.”
Bart: “Yeah sure. Don’t ever pull something like this again.”

Doog: “Well folks, the Semita Lucis System is an interesting place. Workers on a space station collect huge amounts of energy by placing themselves in between two stars transferring matter. They help power the galaxy. More importantly, they helped refuel the Magellan. I guess we can finally get on with the next episode. See ya!”

Note:
Many civilized planets can’t produce enough power to meet their populations’ high-tech lifestyle. These planets depend on energy from outside sources, like the Semita Lucis System.

CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 6 - Episode 7 - Barathrum

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Season 6 - Episode 5 - Horreum

8/11/2015

1 Comment

LIU Atlas - Horreum

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.

LIU Atlas - Horreum

The Ludgonian Industrial Union’s galaxy contains billions of stars and planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “So, the doctor says the barnacles will fall off in a week or so.”
Oldie: “DOOG!”
Doog: “Whoa, watch the screaming. You’re the deaf one, not me.”

Oldie: “Did you eat my frozen dinner!?”
Doog: “You’re going to have to be more specific.”
Oldie: “The pony soup with my name written on it!”
Doog: Oh, that said Oldie? My bad.”
Oldie: “DOOG! I’m going to murder you!”
Doog: “Wait. Did you guys feel that?”
Mike: “Yeah, we dropped out of hyperspace, and there‘s no way we‘re already there. We have at least two more days.”
Doog: “That’s never good. Cue the red warning lights in five…four…

Hugo: “No warning lights this time Doog. We’re not in any immediate danger.”
Doog: “Did I catch an ‘immediate’ in there? So we’re in danger, just not right now?”
Hugo: “Sort of. We’re out of gas, and we’re in the middle of nowhere.”
Doog: “Out of gas?”
Hugo: “Yep. We’ve depleted all our energy cells. No FTL drive. We have enough power for life support and enough ions to power our sublight engines, at least for a while.”
Doog: “How did this happen? Mike, I thought you crunched the numbers?”

Mike: “I did. Look. Malicanum to Barathrum. Seventeen plus fourteen, carry the two…”
Doog: “Carry the two? How do you carry the two!”
Mike: “I…uh…did I say two, I meant one. Crap. Yeah, I screwed it up big time.”
Doog: “We really need to hire a professional navigator. So, what now?”
Hugo: “We could wait here for help. I activated the distress beacon. But we’re in a pretty remote part of the galaxy. It could be weeks before someone shows up.”
Doog: “That’s not good. We’ll never survive that long locked up together.”
Hugo: “Worse. I’m not sure how long the life support will stay online without the energy cells. We’re running on back-up power.”
Mike: “Look! There’s a star system about 120 AU from here. It has an inhabited planet, Horreum.”
Doog: “Horreum? I like the sound of that.”
Mike: “That’s Horreum with a ‘H’ not a ‘W’.”
Doog: “Dang. Well Hugo, is it possible?”
Hugo: “Maybe. It’ll probably take us 18 or more hours at sublight speeds. That will pretty much take all our ion fuel. If it fails, we’ll have no other options.”
Doog: “Let’s give it a shot. Someone help Mike make the calculations. I’m going to catch some Z’s. Wake me up if we survive.”

Eighteen hours later…

Hugo: “So far we’re looking good. Horreum is coming into view. We’re almost out of fuel though.”
Doog: “What do we know about this place?”
Mike: “It’s an agricultural world. The registry doesn’t denote any major settlements.”
Hugo: “Hold tight! We’re going in!”

Hugo: “I lost the ion drive! We’re bingo fuel. I’m going to have crash land this thing!”
Doog: “Hugo! Don’t you dare eject! We‘re all going to die together!”

Hugo: “We’re down. Everyone alright?”
Doog: “Yeah, I think so. Nice flying…er….crashing.”

Doog: “Now what?”
Hugo: “I saw a few structures a few miles back. Might be worth a hike.”
Mike: “Shouldn’t we stay by the ship? The rescuers will come here looking for us. Besides, we’re ok now. We have air, food, and water.”
Hugo: “I didn’t see much when we were flying. Other than those structures, it looks empty here. Might be weeks or months before someone comes across us.”
Mike: “What about our distress beacon?”
Hugo: “I’m afraid it won’t get very far on the planet’s surface.”

Oldie: “Well that settles it for me. We don’t have enough food for weeks or months. I’m not eating grass again!”
Doog: “I concur. I’m not watching Oldie eat grass again. That was just pathetic. Alright everyone, let’s head out…except you Hugo. You should wait by the ship in case someone shows up.”
Hugo: “Not this time. I never get to go on any adventures with you guys. Today, that changes.”
Doog: “Fine.”
Mike: “I’ll navigate. Follow me boys!”

Doog: “Uh Mike, shouldn’t we be going the other way. If we’re headed back to the structures Hugo saw, we need to walk the opposite of the Magellan’s last trajectory.”
Mike: “Uh yeah, I knew that. I was just checking out this bush.”

Doog: “Pant, pant…are you sure you saw a structure? We’ve been walking for an hour.”
Hugo: “I’m positive. Are you sure Mike is taking us the right way? He’s not the best navigator.”
Mike: “A guy makes a few mistakes and everyone gets on his case. What about the other eighty times I got us where we were going?”
Cam: “How can anyone navigate here? Everything looks the same. Grass and more grass.”
Oldie: “I swear we passed this bush twice already!”

Meanwhile…

Rescuer #1: “Space Guard Rescue Assistance! We got your distress call. We’re here to help.”
Rescuer #2: “Hello? Is anyone here?”

Rescuer #2: “Where are they? Think they’re dead?”
Rescuer #1: “No. I think they are stupid. See those tracks? They walked off to get help.”
Rescuer #2: “Sigh. Always stay with the ship. How hard is that to remember? Should we go get them?”
Rescuer #1: “Nah. Our obligation ends at the ship. I’m not searching this huge planet. There’s nothing here but endless fields of grains. Come on, let’s go get lunch.”

Doog: “Alright, I know we passed that bush before. It still smells like Oldie’s pee. We’re walking in circles.”
Mike: “I’m navigating by the sun. We’re going to be fine.”
Doog: “The sun! The sun moves!”
Cam: “Sigh…”
Oldie: “We’re screwed.”
Mike: “Wait! I see something.”

Doog: “Are those horses?”

Oldie: “No…they’re ponies. They’re ponies!”

Oldie: “They’re ponies! Woohoo!”
Doog: “Oldie! What are you doing? Get back here!”

Oldie: “Fresh pony soup! Nom! Nom! Nom!”
Doog: “Oldie! Stop biting the ponies!”

Oldie: “Ouch!”

Doog: “Hahaha!”
Mike: “Don’t laugh! Let’s go see if he’s ok.”
Cam: “Hehe. It was kind of funny…I mean, yeah, let’s see if he’s ok.”

Doog: “You still alive?”
Oldie: “Ugh…yeah. I think so, but I’m not sure I want to be alive in a world where your favorite food kicks you in the ribs.”

Dan: “I reckon the ponies you’re accustomed to aren’t still alive.”
Doog: “Sorry about that. He’s a pony soup fiend. That, or the dementia is finally setting in.”
Dan: “No worries. What are you folks doing out here in the middle of nowhere?”
Doog: “Our ship crashed a few miles from here. We’re looking for a settlement we passed when we were crashing.”
Dan: “Ah, you’re a long way off from any structures, but we’ll get you there.”

Doog: “Thanks. So, what are you guys doing out here?”
Dan: “We’re pony ranchers. We tend to one of the planet’s many herds.”
Doog: “How many ponies do you have?”
Dan: “About ten thousand.”
Doog: “Wow. That’s a lot. How do the three of you handle so many?”
Dan: “It’s not hard. The entire planet is a free range pasture. The ponies pretty much take care of themselves. We’re here to watch over them. When they reach full size, we herd them to the butcher. Well, it will be dark soon. We should get going. That old guy can take my mechanical steed. I’ll walk.”

Doog: “Mechanical steed?”
Dan: “Well yeah. I don’t think we’d get too far herding ponies if we walked. Besides the mechanical steeds are much faster, and they don’t wear out. Come on. Let’s go.”

A few hours later…

Dan: “Sorry we couldn’t get you there before dark.”
Doog: “No problem. Campfires, fresh pony soup, and some whiskey. No one here is complaining.”
Dan: “Especially that older gentlemen. He really is a pony fanatic, isn’t he?”

Doog: “That might be an understatement.”
Oldie: “Nom, nom, nom!”

The Next Morning…

Dan: “Well, here you are gents.”
Doog: “What is this?”
Dan: “It’s a shelter. They’re spread out around the planet. They allow us to get emergency assistance when it is required. You should be able to use the subspace communicator to get help.”

Doog: “Thanks for the help, Dan. Not a bad planet you got here.”
Oldie: “Sniff. I don’t want to leave. Do you need another rancher?”
Dan: “Sorry. We only have three mechanical steeds. Well, I’m off. Don’t stray too far from this shack. They shouldn’t be long. Yeehaw!”

Doog: “Well folks, it looks like we’ve escaped disaster once more. Help should be coming soon. Horreum is essentially a giant pasture. Ranchers lead huge herds of ponies across these grasslands until they are fattened up, and then they herd them off to the butcher. Horreum keeps the citizens of the LIU Galaxy supplied with one of their favorite dishes, pony soup. Well, see ya.”

Note: Two millions ponies were harmed during the making of this episode.

CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 6 - Episode 6 - Semita Lucis System

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Season 6 - Episode 4 - Malicanum

8/11/2015

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LIU Atlas - Malicanum

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.

LIU Atlas - Malicanum

The Ludgonian Industrial Union’s galaxy contains billions of stars and planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting the planet Malicanum, previously known as Mali Canum. Malicanum is the homeworld of the Dogian Race, which we dealt with briefly on Lacunar Urbs B. Technically, Malicanum is listed as an Industrial World, but everyone knows that Malicanum is really a Vice World.”

Doog: “Alright folks, I’ve been dropped off here in some sort of warehouse district in Malicanum’s biggest city, Nefas. I’m not going to lie, I’m a bit nervous. The Dogians are known to be a troublesome race, and they are closely associated with several criminal activities. Things should be interesting.”

Spot: “What do we have here? A human in the warehouse district?”
Doog: “Well that escalated quickly. Uh, I’m here to do a sh…”
Spot: “Shut it human! I don’t care what you’re here for. There’s no humans allowed in the warehouse district.”
Doog: “Hey, what about that guy over there? He’s human!”
Spot: “Who? Jimmy? Jimmy is half Dogian. Trust me, his mom’s a real b!tch.”
Jimmy: “Yeah! And I like sniffing butts.”
Doog: “Wow…awkward. Look I don’t want any trouble. Maybe I’ll…”
Spot: “Quiet!! You’re about to get bit human!”

Rover: “Someone’s going to get bit around here, Spot, and it’s not going to be Doog.”
Spot: “Mr. Rover, what are you doing here?”
Rover: “Oh, so now I need permission to be in my own district? You’re skating on thin ice, pup.”
Spot: “That’s not what I meant sir! It’s just that this guy is a human.”
Rover: “Why don’t you take your thugs and go for a walk, before I decided to euthanize the whole pack of you.”
Spot: “Y-y-yes sir.”

Doog: “Wow, you sure sent them running with their tails between there legs. I, uh, don’t mean to infer you guys have tails or anything. Do you? Never mind. Thanks for saving me.”
Rover: “No problem. Pups these days don’t know what it takes to be a real gangster. I’m Rover by the way. I run this city.”
Doog: “So you’re in charge of all the criminal activity here?”
Rover: “I’m not too keen on calling what I do ‘criminal’ especially on TV.”
Doog: “Oh, right. So, what do you do?”
Rover: “Let’s just say I’m an enforcer for the LIU. I ensure the LIU gets a cut of the profits made here in Nefas. Most of these businesses here are not officially sanctioned by the LIU, but they turn a blind eye as long as the money keeps rolling in.”
Doog: “I have a feeling I’m going to like this place…that is…if I don’t get murdered first.”
Rover: “The city isn’t that bad. Most parts are no different than any large city. Come on, follow me.”

Rover: “Most parts of the city are like any other city, take this market as an example. Just a standard little market where the residents come to get fresh food.”

Rover: “One can find all the delicacies here: chicken, beef, pork, fish, and even bones.”
Doog: “Pure carnivores. I like it, well, except the bones. Too much calcium.”
Rover: “Oh you’re missing out if you don’t like bones. Malicanum has some of the best bones in the galaxy. I have a few buried in my yard aging to perfection.”

Rover: “If you don’t like bones, then maybe you’d rather enjoy some fresh feline. It tastes best raw.”
Doog: “There is only one kind of cat I eat, and that jokes too dirty for TV, so I’ll stop there.”
Rover: “Oh well, your loss. Come on, let’s head into the neighborhoods.”

Rover: “The neighborhoods are a series of closely packed residential buildings. This section of the city holds about seventy percent of the population.”
Doog: “It’s nice. I like the random park in the middle of the street. The greenery makes it more homely.”
Rover: “Huh? Oh, that. That’s the public restroom. I wouldn't step there.”

Doog: “Hey. What up dawgs?”
Spike: “Hey Mr. Rover, you have someone following you around like a lost human. Want us to take care of him?”
Rover: “No, he’s with me. What’s our status?”
Spike: “The popo’s been hitting this block pretty hard today. They’re looking for a stray. Wait, here comes one now.”

Officer: “You’re going to the pound!”
Dogian: “Never! I don’t want to get in my bed! You’ll never put a leash on me!”

Doog: “What was that? I thought you had an understanding with the LIU?”
Rover: “We do, but only on Malicanum. Some Dogians try to expand their illicit activities off world and run foul of the LIU. We call them strays. They strayed away from Malicanum. Well, it looks clear now. Let’s continue on.”

Doog: “Where are we headed now?”
Rover: “Nefas’ Red Light District.”
Doog: “Nefas has a Red Light District? Sweet!”
Rover: “Yeah, it sure does. It is one of the most unsavory, distasteful, and sleazy Red Light Districts in the galaxy. Basically, anything goes.”

Rover: “Us Dogians are pretty open minded when it comes to sex. We’ll hump anything that moves. Heck, even inanimate items that don’t move. We set up districts like this to meet our needs. We soon learned that there was a huge market for this type of debauchery, and we opened up the district to off-worlders. It’s one of the few areas of the city where other alien races are tolerated. You can fulfill any kink you can imagine here.”

Hobot: “Hey there! Want to tinker with my knobs? Maybe make an input? I can guarantee results in 4.3 seconds!”
Cyclops: “Don’t mess with Hobots, honey. Try the real thing. I only have one eye, but two of everything else!”
Doog: “Uh, I’m flattered, but…”
Businessman: “Sir! Can I interest you in some crab medication? There’s a 20% chance you’ve contracted crabs by just walking into the district. 100% if you indulge in any of the women here.”
Doog: “I’m already stocked up, thanks.”

Doog: “Is that a mermaid prostitute?”
Rover: “Sure is. Ever been with a mermaid? It’s not bad, but a little fishy.”
Doog: “I’ve heard the expression ‘getting some strange’, but here it can be taken very literally.

Rover: “Yes it can. If you have the right amount of money, you can get anything you want.”

Doog: “What a glorious city you have here.”
Rover: “Thanks. The Red Light District brings in lots of money for me and the LIU, but it is not our biggest earner. Follow me.”

Rover: “Before our little agreement with the LIU, Malicanum was famous for smuggling. We moved lots of product around the galaxy, mostly banned items like drugs, weapons, and technology.”

Rover: “We’re still involved in smuggling, but in a more legal capacity.”

Rover: “You’ll have to excuse the ultra-secure doggy door. Security is a must here. We wouldn’t want any the deranged sex addicts accidentally wandering down here.”

Doog: “Oh crap! Can I get a little push?”

Rover: “Like I said, we’re still involved in smuggling, but instead of smuggling contraband within the galaxy, we smuggle it into other galaxies.”
Doog: “Wait, what?”
Rover: “Some political entities in other galaxies have banned or refused to buy LIU products. We smuggle these goods into this entity and sell the products under the table. Essentially, we bypass the embargo and sell LIU products. It‘s very dangerous, but very lucrative.”

Rover: “We mostly smuggle weapons. Rebel groups in other galaxies are our favorite customers. Not only do we make money, but we increase the chance that a more LIU friendly government will be installed.”
Doog: “That’s actually quite brilliant. Anything else?”
Rover: “Not that I can discuss on camera…”

Doog: “Well folks, Malicanum is an interesting place, and the Dogians are an interesting race. The lax laws here allow the Dogians to run several barely legal operations, and probably some illegal ones too. Well, I have to run. I have a date with a mermaid. See ya next time.”

Note:
It is possible that you may have contracted several STD’s by just looking at Nefas’ Red Light District. Please see a doctor soon.

CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 6 - Episode 5 - Horreum

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Season 6 - Episode 3 - Succus

8/11/2015

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LIU Atlas - Succus

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.

LIU Atlas - Succus

The Ludgonian Industrial Union’s galaxy contains billions of stars and planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today we’re visiting a small moon known as Succus. Succus orbits the large gas giant Bruma IV, the fourth planet from the star Bruma. This far orbit makes the moon cold and snowy.”

Doog: “Alright folks, I’ve been dropped off near a small camper-style ship in the middle of a forest of bluish trees. I hope my guide is here because it‘s freezing!”

Doog: “Ah, I think I hear someone coming now.”

Walt: “Who’s out here?!”
Doog: “Whoa, don’t shoot! I’m Doog. I’m here to do a show.”
Walt: “Oh, sorry. I wasn’t expecting you so soon. I’m Walt.”

Doog: “Is this your home?”
Walt: “This old junker? Nope. This is my mobile lab.”
Doog: “Lab?”
Walt: “It’s where we make Ice.”
Doog: “What‘s that?”
Walt: “It’s what we nicknamed Everblue Sap…you know, since it’s so cold here. Come with me, I’ll show you.”

Walt: “Succus is home to unique tree-like plants that we call Everblues. Their blue coloration allows them to maximize the little light they receive.”
Doog: “And you collect sap from these trees?”

Walt: “Yes. These trees must survive long cold winters. Every time this moon orbits behind Bruma IV, it gets extremely dark and cold. To survive these winter periods, the tree stores nutrients and sugars in its sap. Their sap is very rich, and it makes us rich too.”
Doog: “Really? It’s valuable?"
Walt: “Very. Well…once it is collected and cooked up. Come on, I’ll show you.”

Walt: “Collection is easy. We bore into the tree’s trunk, install taps, and the sap drips out into collection buckets. The sap spoils quickly, so it needs to be cooked up soon. That’s why we have a mobile lab. We collect from several hundred different trees. If we took too much from one tree, we could possibly kill it. By the way, be careful not to get any on your clothes. It stains. Alright, let’s get this sap to the lab.”

Walt: “This is it, the mobile lab. Here we purify and cook the sap. We want 100% pure Ice. Nothing else will do.”

Doog: “How does it all work?”
Walt: “First we pump the sap out of the buckets. It then goes through filters to remove particulates. It is then pumped into beakers where it is cooked. Cooking it removes the water and makes it thicker. It also removes any bacteria.”

Walt: “All that’s left is transferring it from the beaker to these little jars.”

Walt: “Ah, pure Ice. They are going to love it.”
Doog: “It’s a drug, isn’t it?”
Walt: “Excuse me?”
Doog: “It’s pretty clear. You work in a small backwoods trailer cooking up some sort of sap than I never heard of. You take pride in its purity. You say the people are going to love it. I don’t know. It just seems pretty shady. “
Walt: “Ha ha! That’s great. Wait to the other villagers hear about this! Hey, Jesse, fly us back to the village, they‘re going to want to hear this!”
Doog: “There’s a village? I thought it was just this trailer?”
Walt: “I told you, the trailer is a mobile lab. The sap spoils quickly, and it needs to be processed on site. We farm hundreds of trees spread over several miles. We don‘t have enough time to fly it back to the village.”

Doog: “So, there is a village. You were right, but that doesn’t explain the other irregularities. Why did you say the people were going to love it?”
Walt: “I didn’t. I said ‘they’ were going to love it. Not people, the Succan Yaks.”
Doog: “Yaks? I’m so confused.”
Walt: “Come on. This way.”

Walt: “These creatures are native to Succus. They feed on the sap. They use those long horns to pierce the tree, then they lap up the sap. We are farming them. They have lots of great meat.”

Doog: “Why do you feed them purified sap?”
Walt: “Better quality meat for one, but more importantly, it fattens them up. Their stomachs only hold so much. We stuff them full of the more concentrated sap.”
Doog: “Yeah, I guess I was way off.”
Walt: “Not even close.”

Doog: “Well folks, Succus is not as interesting as I thought. They don’t make drugs; they farm yaks. By collecting the native trees’ sap, they are able to fatten up these yaks quicker and produce better quality meats. Agriculture…why couldn’t it be drugs.”

Note:
LithiumUranium AstatineLanthanumSulfur

CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 6 - Episode 4 - Malicanum

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Season 6 - Episode 2 - Alba Pulmone

8/11/2015

1 Comment

LIU Atlas - Alba Pulmone

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.

LIU Atlas - Alba Pulmone

The Ludgonian Industrial Union’s galaxy contains billions of stars and planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting a dry, desert planet called Alba Pulmone. Alba Pulmone was once a wet ocean world, but the planet’s hot star slowly evaporated the planet wide ocean. Now, all that is left is an immense series of salt flats.”

Doog: “Alright folks, I’ve been dropped off on the planet’s surface. It is very hot, and I can literally taste salt in the air. I’m already thirsty. I don’t see my guide yet, but there is some activity in the background. It looks like a LIU Productivity Enhancement Bot is escorting some involunteers. I thought about asking one where my guide is, but I dealt with Productivity Bots and involunteers when I did a show on a Vastitas, and there’s no way I’m getting mixed up in something like that again. I’ll just wait here.

M4ST3R: “You must be Doog.”
Doog: “Ahh! Get away from me! I’m not an involunteer! I swear! Wait? Where’s your productivity prod? Aren’t you a Productivity Enhancement Bot?”
M4ST3R: “You mean a model #SL4V3DR1V3R? No, I’m a #SL4V3M4ST3R, but you can call me M4ST3R.”
Doog: “So you’re not going to hurt me?”
M4ST3R: “I don’t imagine so. I have lesser model numbers that do that type of thing for me. I’m a M4ST3R model, so I’m more of an overseer or watcher. Oh, I’m also your guide for today’s show.”
Doog: “You’re my guide? I thought I was meeting someone named Vin Prassa?”
M4ST3R: “Vin Prassa is my master and an elite citizen. He never comes to the salt flats. I’m afraid you’ll have to deal with me for a bit. Well, shall we get started? Or do you need some productivity motivation? I’m sure I could spare a DR1V3R model for a few moments.”
Doog: “Nope. I’m good. Let’s get to it.”

DR1V3R #1: “Increase your speed. Your productivity is at unsatisfactory levels. I will utilize my productivity prod in three seconds.”
Slave: “PLEASE! I’m going as fast as I can! I think my chain partner has died!”
DR1V3R: “Unacceptable. Delivering shock.”
Slave: “OW!”
Doog: “Ouch. I know that hurts. So, these are involunteers?”
M4ST3R: “Actually no. Involunteers are workers that are forced to work against their will, but they do receive some form of compensation for their efforts. These are debt slaves. They all owe money to Vin Prassa, and they are forced to work his salt mines until their debt is repaid.”
Doog: “Salt mines?”

M4ST3R: “Yes. Here is one now. When Alba Pulmone’s ocean evaporated, it left behind large amounts of salt. The debt slaves mine the salt.”
Doog: “Is mining salt so important that you need to resort to slavery?”

M4ST3R: “Salt has many uses. Besides its obvious use as a food preservative and taste enhancer, salt is used for water conditioning, as a de-icer, and as a source of chlorine. Due to the extreme conditions here, there wasn’t many workers volunteering to come work here. Hence, our use of debt slaves.”
Doog: “All the salt here really makes me yearn for french fries. I mean…Oh the humanity! How could you do this to these poor workers! But seriously, any restaurants nearby?”

Slave: “Ouch! Stop shocking me!”
DR1V3R: “Dig faster or you will be digging your own grave.”
Doog: “Ooh, good one. These productivity bots really know how to throw down some threats.”
M4ST3R: “Not a threat. I’m afraid he is being quite literal. We lose many workers everyday. Their bodies are discarded
in nearby pits. Would you like to see?”
Doog: “Not really…”

Doog: “Gruesome. I didn’t realize how bad this is. I guess sometimes you get numb to all of this.”
M4ST3R: “Gruesome. Yes. But you must realize that all these workers are here because they owe money. They voluntarily choose to borrow money from Vin Prassa, and they could not repay their debts.”
Doog: “Still, no one deserves to be worked to death. Did they die of exhaustion?”
M4ST3R: “Some may have. Most fall victim to dehydration and a condition known as white lung.”
Doog: “White lung? What’s that?”
M4ST3R: “After several years of working, the salt in the air accumulates in the workers’ lungs. There, it crystallizes in the lungs causing extreme pain, bleeding, and more often than not, death.”

Doog: “Uh…I don’t think all of those bodies are dead…”
M4ST3R: “We have a RUNNER! DR1V3R, terminate that employee.”

DR1V3R: “Confirmed. Employee #456091-F, your services are no longer required. You are terminated.”
BOOM!

Doog: “Is he dead?”
M4ST3R: “Very. Let’s see, employee #456091-F was in debt to Vin Prassa for 50,000 credits, and he earned almost 10,000 credits back via his labor in the salt flats. Not ideal, but it still netted Vin Prassa a profit. We hoped to get a few more months of labor out of him. It’s a sad day.”
Doog: “Sad indeed, but we probably have different reasons. So, can I meet this Vin Prassa yet?”
M4ST3R: “Yes. Let’s head to his estate.”

M4ST3R: “Vin Prassa’s estate is a sight to behold. It’s the second largest structure on the planet. It has a gold plated roof and sixteen indoor swimming pools. There is an additional pool on the roof. The estate contains ninety percent of the water on Alba Pulmone. You‘ll also notice the nicely manicured lawn. It took debt slaves years to remove the salty topsoil to make this possible.”
Doog: “Ugh, such arrogant wastefulness. A man with sixteen pools while his workers die of dehydration.”

M4ST3R: “Vin Prassa will be with us shortly.”
Doog: “Man, I’m parched. I’m tempted to drink some of this pool water.”
M4ST3R: “That wouldn’t be wise.”
Doog: “Why? Would that put me into debt with ol’ Vin Prassa? Will he send me to the salt mines?”
M4ST3R: “Possibly. But more importantly, that’s salt water.”
Doog: “Salt water? Why would you fill a pool with salt water?”

Vin: “Because my biology requires it.”
Doog: “Ahhh! M4ST3R, there’s a horrible tentacle monster in this pool!”
M4ST3R: “Actually, that is Vin Prassa.”

Doog: “You’re Vin Prassa?”
Vin: “Yes. I am the last remaining native Alba Pulmonian on this planet. My people evolved and thrived here when the planet was an ocean world. Most of my people fled as the seas began to disappear. They have since relocated. I, however, saw an economic opportunity and decided to stay. I am now the richest Alba Pulmonian in the galaxy, and an elite citizen to boot. Unfortunately, I can’t wander too far from one of my pools.”
Doog: “Hmm. I guess that makes this extravagance a little less evil. So, what economic opportunity did you see?”
Vin: “Salt mining. Concentrated salt in this amount is hard to find. We easily became the galaxy’s largest salt exporter. The only problem was finding enough labor. That’s when I had my best idea. I created an industry that puts people into debt and then requires them to work off the debt. Racing.”
Doog: “Racing?”
Vin: “Oh come on! Surely you heard of Alba Pulmone’s Cyborg Sprint Races? They’re galaxy renowned. It is even watched off-world via TV2. Huge purses. People bet large sums of money on them. Any of this ring a bell?”
Doog: “Not really, but I don’t watch a lot of TV. It rots the brain…errr…I mean, TV is great. Everybody should watch it. Especially LIU Atlas.”

Vin: “Well that settles it. I’m taking you to one of our races. M4ST3R, get my robes and prepare a mobile pool. I’m leaving the estate.”
Doog: “Yes M4ST3R, please get Vin a robe. Before I barf up my last remaining water.”

Vin: “Tada! The Alba Pulmone Raceway. It’s one of the largest terrestrial-based raceways in the galaxy.”
Doog: “Nice. Better than the salt flats. So what do you guys race?”
Vin: “Cyborg Sprinters. Other than their heads, they are entirely machine. They are similar to cyborg racers, but instead of flying, they run. It’s amazing what these machines can do.”
Doog: “And people bet on these races?”
Vin: “Yep. People all across the galaxy bet on the outcomes. It’s made me a billionaire several times over. More importantly, it creates several debt slaves.”
Doog: “How so?”
Vin: “No money is required to make a bet. You can borrow money from the house. If you win, you keep the winnings minus some interest. If you lose…well…you are in debt to me, and legally, I can force you to work off that debt.”
Doog: “Ah. So you are sort of like a loan shark…or loan squid…or loan blob…what are you again?”

Announcer: “Ladies, gentleman, and asexual beings, welcome to this afternoon’s race. Today we are graced with the presence of the almighty Vin Prassa…”
Crowd: “Boo! Boooo!”
Announcer: “…and the host of TV2’s LIU Atlas, Doog!”
Crowd: “Woohoo! Yeah!”
Announcer: “After Vin Prassa…”
Crowd: “Boo!”
Announcer: ’…greets today’s racers, we’ll get started.”
Vin: “Uh, good luck. Make me some money and slaves.”
Crowd: “Boooo!”
Vin: “Hey Doog, just so you know, here on Alba Pulmone, people boo when they like you and cheer when they hate you. No one likes you. Uh, yeah. That’s totally true.”
Doog: “I’ve never heard of…”
Vin: “Maybe you should take your seat. The race is about to start.”

Doog: “Alright folks, Vin Prassa has given me a front row seat. I’ve scanned in my Citizen Identification Chip, and I’ve made a small bet to make things interesting. I’m going to turn things over to the announcers.”

Announcer: “Racers to the line…make yourselves ready. Ladies, Gentleman, and asexual beings, today’s race is 160 laps around the thirteen mile long track. Estimated race time is three hours. Please enter all bets before the completion of the first lap. Alright. On your mark, get set……GO!”

Announcer: “And they’re off! Red has taken an early lead, followed by blue and green. Man, they are moving fast!”

Announcer: “For our first time attendees, you can follow the race via our big screen monitors once the race departs your area. Feel free to visit any of our concession stands on deck two. Also, as a reminder, all bets are final. Anyone attempting to depart the race before making payment will be executed according to the LIU’s stringent theft laws. Have a good time!”

Nearly Three Hours Later

Announcers: “It’s coming down to the wire. Red is still in the lead followed closely by green. Oh wow, yellow has made a move and passed blue. Will this be a photo finish?!”

Doog: “Come on green! PLEASE win!!!”

Announcer: “And it’s RED! Wow! He wins by a half a foot. Green takes second, while yellow takes third. What a great race! Alright, please visit the nearest payment window to receive any winnings or settle any debts. The next race begins in two hours.”

Doog: “Well folks, Alba Pulmone is a terrible place. People place large bets on cyborg sprint races by borrowing money from the house. When they lose, they repay their debts by working the unbearable and deadly salt mines. Where do they ever find anyone so stupid? Well, see you next time!

Note:

Mike: “You lost all our earnings from Season 5 on a race! Plus, an additional thousand credits borrowed from the house! How in the heck did I get roped into this!”
Doog: “Well, I put the crew down as additional collateral. That way, if I lost, we’d all slave together in the salt mines, and instead of me working a month, we only have to work a few days.”
Mike: “I hate you sometimes!”
Doog: “I, for one, welcome our new robotic overlords.”

CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 6 - Episode 3 - Succus

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Season 6 - Episode 1 - Jotunheim

8/11/2015

3 Comments

LIU Atlas - Jotunheim

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas

LIU Atlas - Jötunheim

The Ludgonian Industrial Union's galaxy contains billions of stars and billions of planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to Season Six of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting the lava world of Jötunheim. Jötunheim suffered a massive impact event about 60,000 years ago. The impact liquefied the planet’s crust and caused huge seismic shifts. Most parts of the planet have since solidified, but vast regions of lava still exist between Jötunheim’s tectonic plates.”

Doog: “Alright folks, I’ve been dropped off here at a work site near one of Jötunheim’s tectonic tears. I’ve been told to bring an environmental suit. The air here is breathable for short stints, but has unsafe levels of sulfur and carbon monoxide. Ah, I think I see my guide now.”

Doog: “Hey. Are you my guide?”
Smith: “Yes. I’m Colorado Smith, an archeologist with the Meditor Institute. You may have heard of my more famous cousin, Michigan Johnson.”
Doog: “Nope, sure haven’t, and the only thing I know about the Meditor Institute is its nickname, the Nerd-itor Institute.
Assumedly, you do something nerdy, and therefore boring...”
Smith: “Yes, I’ve heard all the sarcastic nicknames, Nerditor, Boreitor, Club Virgin, et cetera, but they are hardly fitting. The Meditor Institute is a research division of the LIU that focuses on historical studies, like archeology and paleontology. Sure, we don’t get as much street cred as the physicists or the chemists, but what we do is important.”
Doog: “And what is that?”
Smith: “We study extinct alien races and their cultures.”
Doog: “Any profit there?”
Smith: “Unfortunately no. Not unless we find some new form of technology, and that’s rare. Any sufficiently advanced race with technology new to us probably wouldn’t have gone extinct in the first place. I like to think that our studies do more than bring in money though. We help civilization learn about itself. We explain what it is to be alive. We…”
Doog: “You’re pretty lowly funded, aren’t you?”
Smith: “Yes. Well, let’s not dwell on that. Would you like to see what we’ve discovered here on Jötunheim?”
Doog: “Wait. You’ve found an extinct alien race here?”

Smith: “Yes, a race we call the Jotun. My crew is about to head out to the dig site. Care to join us?”
Doog: “Yeah, I guess. I’m not too excited about your little transport over here. It looks like a flying park bench.”

Smith: “Yeah, it handles like one too. Better hold on tight. I told you we weren’t well funded…”

Doog: “What the? This is the Jotun? They’re enormous…”
Smith: “Yes. The bones we’ve found put them at around 54 feet tall, or about nine times taller than you.”
Doog: “Wow. That’s a little terrifying.”

Smith: “We’ve only been here about seven months, but we’ve already found several nearly complete Jotun skeletons. We’ve been able to piece together a lot about the Jotun just by studying there anatomy.”
Doog: “Like what?”
Smith: “Well, they are carnivores. Their arm to leg length ratio of 3:1, indicates that they probably crouched when they walked, using their arms as extra support.”
Doog: “Knuckle draggers huh?”

Smith: “Yeah, I guess you could put it that way. I was going to say that they walked like apes. If you look closely at the hands, you’ll see the stress fractures near the finger joints. They must have weighed several tons.”
Doog: “Check out those claws!”
Smith: “Yeah, they were tridactyl. They have two fingers and an opposable thumb.”

Smith: “We’ve been able to match particulates found between the Jotun’s teeth to some of the other animals we’ve found. They were probably meat eaters.”
Doog: “The best kind of eater.”

Smith: “Yeah. Anyway, the brain cavity is rather small for this sized creature. Until our other discoveries, we had doubts about its intelligence and sentience.”
Doog: “What other discoveries?”
Smith: “Follow me.”

Smith: “We’ve found several small clusters of small animals like this. Mixed within the animals bones were bone fragments from the Jotun. It appears the Jotun had domesticated these animals.”
Doog: “These giant creatures ate these tiny things?”
Smith: “Why not? I mean, we eat squirrels and rats all the time.”
Doog: “Speak for yourself Colorado. I never intentionally eat squirrels or rats.”
Smith: “Oh. Uh, I guess I forgot what normal people eat. Did I mention the size of our budget?”

Smith: “By analyzing the these creatures’ fossilized excrement, we’ve been able to piece together some more details about Jötunheim’s environment in the pre-impact era. The planet was lush and sported a variety of plant-like organisms. We’ve identified nearly fifty different plant species.”
Doog: “Any chance you found enough DNA to resurrect any of these species? Perhaps the Jotun?”
Smith: “No. Probably not. There are too many gaps in the genetic code for us to resurrect any of these species, especially the complex Jotun. We’d probably see an increase in funding if that were possible.”
Doog: “Gotcha. So, anything else? Is this the only evidence of the Jotun’s intelligence?”
Smith: “Oh, no. There’s more. Much more. Shall we return to camp?”

Smith: “There had to be a million better places to put our camp than on the edge of the lava, but unfortunately this is where we made the discovery. Mapping scans of this area revealed a huge chamber under the rock here.”
Doog: “Well, what was it? Don’t leave me hanging!”
Smith: “Come on, let’s see.”
Doog: “Sigh. All you guides and your dramatics…”

Smith: “It took us several weeks to bore our way into the chamber. To save money, we sealed up this tunnel, and we now use it as our camp.”
Doog: “Very homely.”
Smith: “Yeah, I guess. Alright. We‘re almost there.”

Smith: “Alas, we’re here, one of the Great Star Chambers of Jötunheim.”
Doog: “Amazing. This was built by the Jotun?”
Smith: “Yep. This one of six chambers we’ve found in this area. Each depicts a different area of the night sky. There
are only two chambers that are fully intact. Three have been heavily damaged, and one has been completely destroyed. It’s a shame.”
Doog: “So it’s like a star map?”
Smith: “Sort of. It’s more like a collection of constellations. It probably served a more religious purpose. Perhaps it even helped to foretell the seasons. More importantly, it has taught us a lot about the Jotun’s intelligence. They had art, architecture, a writing system, astronomy, and so on.”

Doog: “Have you been able to decipher any of the writing?”
Smith: “Yes, but not much. Our best astrolinguistic and xenolinguistic experts have been piecing together the language using advanced AI’s. It’s hard to decipher a language when you have absolutely no comparison. This language is even more difficult considering it is a logographic language where each symbol represents a word. Each symbol must be deciphered on its own.”
Doog: “How accurate is the astronomy?”
Smith: “Very accurate, at the time. Stars shift at different rates. All the stars are still there, but not in the same locations. Many of the Jotun’s constellations no longer exist. Since we know how fast these stars are moving in comparison to Jötunheim, we’ve been able to compare their current locations to their location in the constellation and determine that this map was made approximately 65,000 years ago.”

Smith: “We’ve been able to determine what some of the constellations were called from the partially deciphered writing. The large one in the upper left that looks like a being was called Mother Star. It appears she was involved in some type of creation mythology.”

Smith: “The constellation in the lower right corner is called the Eye of ‘Something’. We haven’t been able to determine who’s eye. The large blue star in the middle is Sidere Artifex, one of the brightest stars in the LIU Galaxy. Due to its high visibility, it’s a common star in most planets’ constellations.”
Doog: “What’s that huge red star up top?”
Smith: “We’re not entirely sure about that. It’s not a star, we haven’t been able to find it anywhere. It may have been a planet, but if so, it’s not here anymore. We believe it might be the object that impacted Jötunheim, but we’ll need to study it further.”
Doog: “Ah. Well, anything else?”
Smith: “Not yet, but for a small fee, you can be included in our mailing list. We’ll keep you updated on any new discoveries.”
Doog: “No thanks.”

Doog: “Well folks, Jötunheim is an interesting place…well it used to be. Archeologists have uncovered an extinct race of beings that evolved a moderate level of intelligence. Perhaps they would be part of our galactic community if not for the impact event that wiped them out. Geesh, think of the size of the public bathrooms. Oh well, see ya next time.”

Note:
65,000 years ago…

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