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Season 4 - Episode 10 - Tenebrae

8/11/2015

LIU Atlas - Tenebrae

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.

LIU Atlas - Tenebrae

The Ludgonian Industrial Union’s galaxy contains billions of stars and planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting the planet Tenebrae, located near the center of the dark nebula Pulvis. Tenebrae is a rogue planet, which is just a fancy way of saying that it has no star. Tenebrae was formed around a star in this very nebula, but the young, bright star flung Tenebrae out of orbit and deeper into the nebula. Tenebrae has since stabilized and now directly orbits the galactic center. With no star, and the dark nebula obscuring any starlight, Tenebrae is one of the darkest worlds in the LIU Galaxy.”

Doog: “No need to adjust your TV sets folks. This is actual footage from the surface of Tenebrae. There is literally no visible light here. It doesn’t make for very interesting TV. Luckily, Cam has made some adjustments to the Hover Cam to allow it to shoot in an infrared slash night-visiony sort of thing. I don’t know, I wasn’t listening. Cam, go ahead and switch us over.”

Doog: “Ah, that’s better. Now, you may be surprised that I’m still going sleeveless on a planet with no sun. Most would assume such a place would be freezing cold, but in actuality, it’s quite warm. Tenebrae is constantly pulling in materials from the surrounding nebula giving it a thick, hazy atmosphere. This atmosphere holds in Tenebrae’s internal geothermal heat which is of course created by residual core radioisotope decay. Just in case you‘re wondering, I just read that last bit off a cue card, so don’t ask me what it means. My host is part of an ancient race that originated outside the LIU Galaxy. This species’ true name cannot be spoken in Basic, nor any other alien tongue. Instead, we refer them as the Dark Harvesters.”

Doog: “Ah, here he is now. Uh, hello there. I’m Doog. And you are?”
DH: “Your cacology is such that any attempt at an utterance of my name would be execrable blathering. Your “Basic” tongue is just that: basic. You might have more luck putting to diction the smell of the seasons. Your speech would be given to prolix before even hinting upon the first syllable of my name.”
Doog: “Uh yeah. How about I just call you DH, short for Dark Harvester?”
DH: “Such is the extremity of your race’s velleity. So be it…”

DH: “The denizens and masters of this world--that is to say, my people--migrated here from afar. Uniquely evolutionary, we thrive in the dark side of existence. These opaque worlds are rare, and we have been scattered across the universe. A fungus that coevolved with my species remains the only sustenance that bears our continuity. And this fungi‘s avaricious pull to the Black has forced our symbiotic habitation.”
Doog: “The last time I had a symbiotic relationship with a fungus, I was banned from the brothel for two weeks. So where are we going? ”
DH: “Your trite, jejune humor makes me question whether or not your fungus spread to your brain. Try to keep up both mentally and physically; we journey to one of our sacred fungal grounds.”

Doog: “Wow, what is this light coming from the fungi?”
DH: “All the fungal species we transplanted here on Tenebrae are bioluminescent.”
Doog: “Cool, but I believe the light is distorting the infrared filter. Cam, perhaps we can switch back to normal mode for a minute, let the viewers see what I’m seeing?”

Doog: “There we go. As you can see folks, the fungi gives off a faint green light. So, DH, what‘s with the glowing fungus?”
DH: “When we abandoned our home planet, we transported the essential means to our victuals. The various components of the surrounding nebula breed rich soils that facilitate the thriving of said fungi. Our crop gorges upon the nutrient rich soil in seemingly fallow fields deprived of sunlight. Truth be told, solar rays trammel the prosperity of our harvest.”

DH: “In praxis, our yield yields ubiquitous corollaries-- nourishment, medicine, and illumination to name a few. The most vital of these species is the triangular-shaped fungi, a foodstuff. Its exquisite taste nourishes both palate and mind; its very aroma pervades through the soul; its redolent beauty, its sustenance, the means in which it sates all that is epitomized by renaissance learn-ed elite insists its import within our very…”
Doog: “Wait?! You eat glowing fungus?!”
DH: “No, we drink it. Poisonous in its current state, patience is our credo. In order to safely imbibe, we must allow proper fermentation and distillation. Lo, the winery hall awaits.”

DH: “Due to the capricious nature of our nutrient rain, the fungal beds form organically--and sporadically. The winery hall in which we venture is central, but, alas, too far to peregrinate. Hence our vessel for this journey: a troika of Anguis. The Anguis are the only non-fungal species to be salvaged from our home world. They act as our ‘beasts of burden’, so to speak.”

DH: “Come, let us make haste.”

Doog: “Cool building. Is this winery hall?”
DH: “Yes. Few structures exist here on Tenebrae. My species needs not sleep, nor shelter from the elements. These edifices' primary function are to repel the nebula dust, a semi-permeable portcullis fortifying from all unwanted elements. Tenebrae Wine shan’t be sullied .”
Doog: “All this wine talk is getting me thirsty. Shall we head inside?”

DH: “The Hall houses countless racks of Tenebrae Wine. The liquid must age for several years to ferment and safely dissipate its poison. This is vital; my species relies solely upon its nutrients.”

Doog: “Sounds complicated. Can I try some? I could use something to take the edge off.”
DH: “Absolutely not. Tenebrae wine is poisonous to most species. ‘Wine’ is simply a colloquialism for your ‘basic’ benefit. It contains no trace of alcohol. Instead, it renders a euphoria spurred on by its taste and life sustaining nutrients, not because of some chemical induced mind alteration like alcohol.”
Doog: “Dang. I could have looked past the poisonous part if it had alcohol, but yeah, I’ll pass. So what’s next? I mean, you have to be doing something useful for the LIU to tolerate your presence in their territory. We’re not running a charity here.”
DH: “We have our uses. Follow me to the basement.”

Doog: “What’s this? It looks like a laboratory.”
DH: “Another species of our fungi begets a powerful antibiotic. Once used as a demulcent for my species, it is now produced in surfeit to trade to the LIU. Its medicinal proclivity has proved invaluable to all.

Doog: “Cool stuff. Anything else to add?”
DH: “Darkness acts as allegory. You see shadow and infer the form. But the superfluous meaning--the true grit of existence, the moxie that drives all impetus of life--exists un-illuminated like a shadow within your shadow as you clutch what is coveted close to your chest, shielded from the light behind, only to be lost in your own black silhouette--that which can be seen on the ground but never trampled. And you step lively, carefully, beckoned by some ineffable yearning that you protect from the light. Yet it remains unseen due to that same all-encompassing protection, Unseen in light. Covered by shadow, But there. Always there. Seek it. Find it. It is you. Truly you. .”
Doog: “Uh…yeah…nice to meet you too.”

Doog: “Well folks, Tenebrae is a very unique place. It’s home to an interesting race of beings, and it produces strong medicines that help save lives. Darkness is usually associated with death, but here, darkness is life. See ya next time.”

Note:
Thanks to our special guest "host" writer: Loki.

CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 4 - Episode 11 - Flumen A'ris

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Season 4 - Episode 9 - Foetida

8/11/2015

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LIU Atlas - Foetida

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.

LIU Atlas - Foetida

The Ludgonian Industrial Union’s galaxy contains billions of stars and planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting the planet Foetida. Foetida appears to be a gas planet from orbit with its thick swirling atmosphere, but, in reality, it is an extremely polluted terrestrial planet. Foetida sits near the center of the Cibus Hyperspace Route, a well known route that connects several Mid Rim Agricultural Worlds, such as Lacunar Urbs and Panarium.”

Doog: “Foetida’s surface is dotted with large industrial complexes that constantly pump foul, polluted air into the atmosphere. What do these polluting complexes produce? Food, of course. Agricultural Worlds along the Cibus Hyperspace Route ship their products to Foetida to be processed into packaged meals. Foetida Foods, the planet’s main company, produces enough packaged food to feed a large chunk of the LIU Galaxy. The company also ships many of its products to other galaxies, earning the LIU a large chunk of change.”

Doog: “I’ve been dropped off outside one of Foetida Food’s Receiving Warehouses. I almost wish I brought a respirator. The air is actually burning my eyes, and it smells worse than burrito night on my ship.”

Doog: “Hey, robot. I’m waiting on my guide. Can you go inside and get him? I don’t know how much longer I can last out here.”
BORD: “Actually Doog. I am your host. I am a Meteon Robo-Chef. My designation is Chef B.O.R.D. Welcome to Foetida Foods.”
Doog: “A robot guide. Lucky me. So Chef Boyardee, what do you do here? And make it quick. If my eyes burn any more, I may go blind.”
BORD: “I am in charge of operations in this complex. Robots, such as myself, are the only workers here on Foetida. Biological beings carry diseases and other contaminants that pose a risk to food safety. You are one of only a handful of biological beings that have entered this facility. Which reminds me, before we enter, I need you to wear this.”

Doog: “Are you sure this is necessary? I mean, my beard and my mustache are still exposed.”
BORD: “Your facial hairs are short. No one will notice if one of those little guys gets into the food. It’s only the big hairs they complain about.”

Doog: “I guess. So where are we?”
BORD: “This is one of this complex’s Receiving Warehouses. Here, we receive materials to make our products. We
receive meats, vegetables, chemicals, and packaging.”

Doog: “Fun stuff, Chef Boyardee. The viewers must be enthralled seeing a warehouse. I feel like we changed lives today buddy.”
BORD: “The advanced interactive systems in my programming allow me to detect sarcasm Doog. Just so you know.”
Doog: “Well then, what are you waiting for? Let’s see something interesting.”

BORD: “This specific complex makes specializes in making meals out of Kaadu meat. Our most popular dish is Baked Kaadu over Steamed Veggies.”
Doog: “Hey, that’s one of my favorites. My crew and I basically live off these pre-packaged meals. Nothing beats Pony Tacos with Beans though.”
BORD: “Ah, my counterpart in the pony complex would appreciate that.”
Doog: “So, what’s going on here?”

BORD: “These are the Kaadu liquefiers. Raw, unprocessed Kaadu meat from Lacunar Urbs B arrives here in refrigerated transports. The meat, comprising of flesh, muscle, organs, connective tissues, cartilage, et cetera, is loaded into liquefying tanks like these. Chemicals are added that break the various meats down into a protein laden, pink organic sludge. This sludge then undergoes an emulsion process to remove the chemicals. All we are left with is the pink meat sludge.”
Doog: “Sounds healthy. I have a bad feeling I’m going to hate eating these packaged meals after this…”

Doog: “Ew, gross. You guys have rats here. Isn’t that a problem with food safety?”
BORD: “Yeah, we’ve been plagued with rats since this complex first opened. The vermin must have stowed aboard an inbound shipment. But they certainly aren’t too much of a problem…”

BORD: “…just a bit of free protein.”
Doog: “Yeah, I’m never eating again.”

BORD: “The pink sludge is then piped to the next station to be processed into the food you know and love. The sludge is forced out these four nozzles and formed into patties. The conveyer belts takes them down the line to the paint station.”
Doog: “Paint?”
BORD: “Yes, paint. Cooked Kaadu still retains its pink coloration. Customers tend to associate pink meats with being raw, so the meat is coated with an edible paint to turn them brown.”
Doog: “I’ve been eating paint for years…things are starting to make sense now…”

BORD: “The next two stations on the assembly line deal with food safety and flavoring. The first robotic arm injects the painted patties with an ammonia based chemical. This kills any bacteria present and insures no bacteria will be able to live there in the future.”
Doog: “Gross!”
BORD: “The second robotic arm injects a cocktail of various other chemicals to aid in preservation and enhance flavoring.”
Doog: “I’ll never see Kaadu meat the same again, but these robotic arms are pretty cool.”
BORD: “Doog! What are you doing? You almost stepped on a Kaadu patty.”

Doog: “Sorry, I just had to come over here and check out these cool robot arms. Can I touch one?”
BORD: “I’d, uh, prefer if you don’t touch her.”
Doog: “Her? Is this robot arm your girlfriend or something?”
BORD: “Well, I don’t know about girlfriend., but I have been working on her a lot lately.”
Doog: “Oh yeah?”

BORD: “Yeah, I’ve been drilling her pretty regularly.”

Doog: “Really? Have you been screwing her?”
BORD: “A few times…”

BORD: “Heck, I hammered her yesterday, and I might even nail her when you leave.”
Doog: ‘Nice! Well, we just about ran the gamut on tool based innuendos. Shall we move on?”
BORD: “Sure, but what innuendos were you talking about. I was being real.”

BORD: “Meats are fun and all, but in order to meet nutritional needs, we have to include some vegetables and grains. Grains are easy. You just mix them up with water, and BAM! You have a yummy gruel. Vegetables require a little processing though. Here we have gigantic Pisums. Pisums are highly nutritious, but a bit large. We used automated chopping machines to bring them down to size. After the conveyer belt takes them pass the chopper, they are steamed. They are then ready to be packaged with the Kaadu and grains. The packages are then frozen and shipped off world.”
Doog: “Nice. I guess that about wraps it up.”
BORD: “Actually, I have a proposition for you. Foetida Foods is willing to give you thirty packaged meals if you will endorse our food on your show.”
Doog: “Will I sell out for free chemical-laden processed food that may or may not contain rat meat? Sure, I’ll do it. It’s better than starving. What do I have to do?”
BORD: “Just display this image and read this line.”

Doog: “Uh, hello. I’m Doog, from TV2’s LIU Atlas. Foetida Foods, like myself, sympathizes with the working class. We know your family needs cheap, easy, and healthy meals. Now you can get all those things with the added bonus of flavor! You deserve it. There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one company that cares about your nutritional needs, Foetida Foods.”

Doog: “Well folks, Foetida is an important part of the LIU. Its mass production of food insures that the universe stays fed, even if it is fed with low quality sludge and cheap frozen veggies. Until next time, see ya!”

Note:
Foetida Food products may not meet nutritional and safety standards set forth by your local government, and they may not be available in your galaxy. If so, move to a better galaxy or overthrow your government. Problem solved.

CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 4 - Episode 10 - Tenebrae

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Season 4 - Episode 8 - Udo Messis

8/11/2015

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LIU Atlas - Udo Messis

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.

LIU Atlas - Udo Messis

The Ludgonian Industrial Union’s galaxy contains billions of stars and planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting Udo Messis, home of the Meteo race. The Meteo once ruled fifty star systems in this spiral arm. This collection of stars, known as the Meteon Kingdom, was absorbed into the LIU during the Mid Rim Unification War. However, as part of the peace treaty, the Meteo retained some autonomy over their former worlds.”

Doog: “Udo Messis’ surface consists primarily of sandstone, and supports very little life. However, the large, deep pools that dot the surface are home to many species, including the Meteo. Unlike the other creatures, the Meteo needed to move from pool to pool to locate mates, and they evolved the ability to breathe in both water and air.”

Doog: “A large city called Demersae encircles the planet’s largest pool. It’s here that I will meet my guide.”

Goob: “What are you doing here mammal!”
Doog: “Hey! Get your slimy tentacles off me squid head!”
Goob: “Doog! Old buddy, you’ve lost none of your charm!”
Doog: “Same goes for you Goob. Folks, may I proudly introduce my old college buddy, Krix “Goob” Jagoober. Goob and I attended the same Media University, and he’s now a well known TV host himself.”
Goob: “Ha, nothing like you, Doog. My show is hardly syndicated outside the Meteon Kingdom. And I’m the one that actually graduated!”
Doog: “Hey, let’s not go there. No one told me attendance was required.”

Doog: “So, what’s in store old friend?”
Goob: “Well, Udo Messis is home to many important industries, but I figured we’d skip the usual routine and focus a bit more on the planet’s culture.”
Doog: “Thanks goodness. I read up a little before I came. I know Udo Messis is primarily a agricultural world.”
Goob: “Ha. You can read? Well, you’re right. Udo Messis is sort of the breadbasket for the Meteon Kingdom. I’ve prepared some stock footage of some of our agriculture so we can speed right through it.”
Doog: “Perfect.”

Goob: “All of Udo Messis’ agriculture takes place underwater. The pools support hundreds of native, edible plants.”

Goob: “My people are vegetarians, and we only eat sea plants.”
Doog: “Everyone has their faults.”
Goob: “Of course, part of our agreement with the LIU requires that we also start harvesting the other native sea creatures, like clams.”
Doog: “Aren’t clams like your distant cousins?”
Goob: “Very funny…”,

Goob: “Most of the work is done by automated collectors like this. My race specializes in robotics. While food is our primary export within the kingdom, robotics is our primary export to the LIU.”

Doog: “Well, that was painless. What now?”
Goob: “I figured we grab a bite to eat. Let’s catch a Robo-Rickshaw.”

Robo: “Input destination.”
Goob: “Uptown. Food district. Uh…how about Au Restaurant.”
Robo: “Confirmed.”

Goob: “Uptown is home to most of the city’s businesses and corporations. The food district is one of my favorite areas. Best food in the kingdom.”

Goob: “That restaurant on the left has some of the best kelp burgers in the universe. Unfortunately, it’s a little too expensive for our tastes. I’m assuming I’ll be paying.”
Doog: “Just like at college…”

Goob: “The food district also has several small stands for citizens to purchase fresh food to bring back home. In case you want to stock up your ship.”
Doog: “I don’t think we have room for veggies. The crew and I are mostly carnivores.”
Goob: “Gotcha.”

Goob: “Here it is, Au Restaurant.”

Goob: “I know you’re a carnivore, but try to give this a chance. This dish is a Meteo favorite, coral stems and sea berries.”
Doog: “You like putting stems and berries in your mouth?”
Goob: “How did I know you‘d go there?”

Doog: “What’s the green stuff?”
Goob: “Oh, it’s a synthetic alcohol derived from algae. All the fun, none of the hangover.”
Doog: “Man, we could have used that back at school. I may have made it to class more.”
Goob: “Want some?”
Doog: “Would the Emperor murder your whole family for a dollar?”
Goob: “I’m guessing that’s a ‘yes’.”

Cook: “Open wide. More berry coming to your mouth.”
Doog: “No, no. No more. I’m full and alcohol is moving right through me. Besides, you almost took out my eye with that last one.”
Goob: ‘Bathroom is down the hall to the left.”

Doog: “Nothing stuck in the moustache. That’s a first.”

Doog: “Uh, excuse me robot. Where are the toilets?”
Robo-Wiper: “Input waste delivery number.”
Doog: “Uh…I have to do a number two.”
Robo-Wiper: “Two is not defined. Input waste delivery number. Zero or one.”

Doog: “Hmm. Is a Meteo one equal to a human two? Or is a number one universal? Screw it. One. I have to one.”
Robo-Wiper: “Ah. Please sit on the waste removal tentacle.”

Robo-Wiper: “When you finish. I will tidy up your waste removal hole.”
Doog: “You know what…I’ll just hold it.”

Goob: “Haha. I wish I could have seen your face. I thought about warning you, but this was too funny to pass up.”
Doog: “Laugh it up Goob. So, what’s next.”
Goob: “I figured we‘d head to the Civil District. See some history.”

Goob: “This is the Archive Building. It’s home to some of the Meteon Kingdom’s greatest treasures.”

Doog: “This is it? Where’s the treasure?”
Goob: “This room is the treasure. The Meteon Kingdom started right here. My people drafted a resolution that insured equal rights for each of the kingdom’s worlds. The symbol on the floor was the kingdom’s emblem. Every world, whether it be an agricultural world, an energy world, or whatever, was equal and afforded the same rights. They all encircled Udo Messis, seen as black.”

Goob: “The original resolutions sits on the podium right behind you.”
Doog: “It’s useless now, right?”

Goob: “More or less. The LIU’s policies overwrite most of the resolution’s core values, but with the autonomy granted by the LIU, we try to operate as close to the resolution as possible. You’ll also notice that our emblem has changed. I’m sure you’ve seen this new emblem around town. The basic hexagon is still there, but it is disconnected and unequal. The LIU places more weight on profitable worlds. Also, you’ll note that there are two entities in the middle now. One represents the Kingdom and the other represents the LIU.”
Doog: ‘Still, things do seem a bit better here.”
Goob: “I guess.”

Goob: “To finish things off, I figured we’d head downtown.”
Doog: “What? Are we taking a train or something?”

Goob: “Nope. The lower level of the city is known as downtown. Follow me.”

Goob: “Downtown is home to the city’s residential districts. The huge windows down here let in the natural pool light. It allows us to feel closer to our natural environment.”

Goob: “There are also several airlocks to allow the residents to swim in the waters.”
Doog: “Great stuff Goob. I’m glad I got to see you again. Maybe one of these days you can accompany me to my homeworld.”
Goob: “I’d like that. See ya buddy.”

Doog: “Well folks, Udo Messis is a special place. It’s home to the Meteon Robotics Industry, which is a huge earner for the LIU. It has a vast agricultural industry that supports the fifty worlds in its former kingdom, and it serves as an example of how worlds can hold on to some of their oldest traditions despite being forced into the LIU’s economic society. See ya next time.”

Note:
Yes, we know the mirror in the restaurant is somewhat faulty...”

CLICK HERE FOR THE NEXT EPISODE: Season 4 - Episode 9 - Foetida

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Season 4 - Episode 7 - Nuntius Station

8/11/2015

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LIU Atlas - Nuntius Station

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.

LIU Atlas - Nuntius Station #7

The Ludgonian Industrial Union’s galaxy contains billions of stars and planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting a subspace communication relay known as Nuntius Station #7. The sixteen Nuntius Stations in the LIU Galaxy route communications across the galaxy. Communications sent via subspace are subject to distortion due to gravity, black holes, and various physical obstacles. In order to send clear, nearly instant messages across the galaxy, communications must be routed between Nuntius Stations. The stations have a direct line of sight, and complex algorithms have been devised to compensate for any gravitational issues. Using data and locations calculated by the OmniStar AI, the Nuntius Stations are able to send and receive signals from all the worlds in the LIU Galaxy.”

Doog: “This crude, low resolution graphic of the LIU Galaxy shows the location of the sixteen Nuntius Stations. The stations, depicted as green dots, are located in the gaps between the galaxy’s spiral arms.”

Doog: “I’ve boarded the station via the docking bay, and I’m making my way down the hall to meet my guide. I’m trying not to get my hopes up, but today we have our first female guide since that manly woman on Adiutrix. Anything has to be better than that. Ah, I see someone now.”

Doog: “You have to be f*$&ing kidding me. What is this?”
Woman: “Excuse me?”
Doog: “A one tooth old hag. Seriously. What did I do to deserve this!”
Woman: “Hey, screw you! Who are you anyway? Security!”

Amare: “That won’t be necessary Helga. Doog is our guest. Hi Doog, I’m Amare, your guide.”
Doog: “I…I…don’t have words.”

Doog: “You…you…are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. More beautiful than a triple sunrise on Solus. Your smile shines brighter than the sun on Ignea Avis. When I look at you, I feel as weightless as I was on Trahaxi.”

Amare: “Are you ok? You seemed to be disorientated, and you were mumbling.”
Doog: “I…I didn’t say that aloud? I mean, uh, yeah, fine.”
Amare: “Alright. Just checking. I thought you may have come down with hyperspace sickness. Disorientation, blurry vision, mumbling can all be symptoms.”
Doog: “No, I’m fine. I mean I travel in hyperspace all the time. I have my own ship.”
Amare: “I know that silly. I watch your show all the time. Hyperspace sickness is a little different though. Come with me, I‘ll tell you about it on the way.”

Amare: “In order for the Nuntius Station to send and receive subspace communications, the station must be in hyperspace. But any first year physics student could tell you, you must have a velocity to stay in hyperspace.
Unfortunately, this station can’t have a velocity. We must stay stationary in order to have a stable position to receive subspace communications. Instead, the station pulses in and out of hyperspace thousands of times a minute, moving only a few nanometers each jump. The constant switch from real space to hyperspace can cause hyperspace sickness. When you travel in your ship, you only enter hyperspace once. Already today, you entered hyperspace several thousand times.”
Doog: “I see. So…does your boyfriend get hyperspace sickness?”
Amare: “I…I don’t have a boyfriend Doog.”
Doog: “Oh, no worries. I don’t have a girlfriend. I guess we’re more alike than we thought.”
Amare: “Ha. I guess so.”

Amare: “This is one of the station’s six hyperspace engines. The engines, arranged evenly around the station, take turns pulsing in and out of hyperspace. When one side fires, the opposite side counters and moves the station back to its original position. Essentially, the whole station is vibrating in and out of hyperspace.”

Doog: “You sure like saying ‘hyperspace’ a lot.”
Amare: “Ha. I suppose I do. Sorry. I’m probably running my mouth too much. I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
Doog: “No! Not at all. I love when you talk. You’re so smart.”
Amare: “Aww. Well I guess I could tell you about the…”

Doog: “Whoa. Not again. Don’t mess this up stupid. This girl might like you.”

Amare: “Are you ok? I feel like I lost you again for a second.”
Doog: “No, no. Not at all. Very interesting stuff. Shall we continue?”

Amare: “This room here houses the station’s sorting matrix. The matrix reads the communications’ origination and destination codes and routes them to the appropriate subspace transmitter. However, before any message is shipped out, it must go through one more step.”
Doog: “What’s that?”

Amare: “Come with me. I’ll show you.”

Doog: “Uhh…here it comes again. Don’t throw up. Don’t throw up!”

Amare: “Doog! Are you really alright? You don’t have to hide hyperspace sickness. I wouldn’t think any less of you.”
Doog: “I’m fine Amare. If I appeared to be disoriented, it’s because I can’t stop thinking about you. I’ve never met anyone like you. I don’t want to this day to be over.”
Amare: “Really? I’ve never met anyone like you either. Maybe we could meet up again after the show.”
Doog: “I’d like that.”

Doog: “So…ahem…this is the next step?”
Amare: “Yes. This is the Communication Monitoring Station. All communications received by this station, or any Nuntius Station, are monitored for signs of rebellion, insurrection, thefts, et cetera.”
Doog: “You read other peoples mail?”
Amare: “That statement is incorrect for two reasons…”

Amare: “…first of all, we monitor more than just communications. This station monitors all information sent on the LIU’s subspace spectrum.”

Amare: “Secondly, we don’t read the information, the Watchdog AI reads all the information.”
Doog: “The Watchdog AI?”
Amare: “Yep. There is way too much information for us to read any of it. The AI can reads trillions of messages every minute. When the AI detects information that requires our attention, it sends the information to one of the stations to your left.”

Amare: “Hey, number Seven. How are you today?”
Seven: “Oh…not so great. You ever have one of those days where everyone wants to talk your ear off and all you want is some peace and quiet? I have that day about every second.”
Amare: “Oh, come on Seven. You know as well as I do that you love the gossip. Come on, anything interesting today?”
Seven: “I suppose you’re right. Let’s see. There is some pretty interesting chatter on the military spectrum, but that’s
classified. Ooh, here we go. Captain Jolly Doom and his crew have sacked another freighter near the Pirata Nebula. I’m being flooded with messages requesting assistance. Oh, wait, its been transferred to the military spectrum. Sorry, Amare.”
Amare: “Oh well. Maybe next time.”

Doog: “Ahhh! It’s accelerating. Don’t throw up! Whoa! It’s moved lower, at lot lower! Don’t crap yourself! Don’t crap yourself!”

Amare: “…and that’s what we do when we receive a troublesome report for the Watchdog AI.”
Doog: “Great. We’ll I guess that about wraps it up. I better be heading back to my ship now.”
Amare: “Let me walk you there. I want to say goodbye.”

Doog: “Uhhh…...”

Amare: “I’m glad you are ok. I thought you getting sick for a while there. I’m glad you’re honest with me. That’s what I like about you. You always honest, always saying what is on your mind.”

Amare: “I know this sounds crazy, but after watching all your shows and meeting you here today…I think I’m in love with you.”

Doog: “I…I…think I love you too.”

Amare: “Then what are you waiting for Terrance. Kiss me…”

Doog: “Blaaaaaahhh!”

Amare: “Oh my Emperor! Gross! You were lying to me! I thought you were the honest man I was always looking for! We’re over!”

Doog: “Amare, no! Come back! I’d chase you, but the force of my vomit caused a level five shart in my boxers! See, I am honest! Dang it. Well folks, the Nuntius Stations are an important part of the LIU. I don’t really feel like saying anymore than that. See ya next time. Amare!”

Note:
“Planets or star systems that don’t have a direct line of sight to a Nuntius Station must route communications through smaller substations or satellite arrays. Attempting to bypass the Nuntius Array, or sending direct communications to other planets or ships without permission, is strictly forbidden.”

CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 4 - Episode 8 - Udo Messis

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Season 4 - Episode 6 - Novum Finium

8/11/2015

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LIU Atlas - Novum Finium

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.

LIU Atlas - Novum Finium

The Ludgonian Industrial Union’s galaxy contains billions of stars and planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. the corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re onboard a pre-colonization ship known as the Novum Finium. Like all pre-colonization ships, the Novum Finium has been tasked with preparing a planet for colonization and exploitation. This includes installing various forms of infrastructure like roads, water, and communications. The Novum Finium is essentially a massive warehouse that holds all the supplies and materials needed to perform its task.”

Doog: “The Novum Finium is much too big to land on the planets surface. Instead, the front of the ship contains three large landing bays that allow the Novum Finium’s fleet of shuttles to transport people and supplies from the ship to the surface.”

Doog: “The Novum Finium is currently in orbit around a recently discovered planet designated as Silvis IV. Silvis IV, fourth planet in orbit around the star Silvis, will not receive an official name until it has been fully colonized. The planet was discovered nearly five years ago during a scan with the Almagest Mapping Center. Since then, the planet has been visited by several research teams, and it has been studied thoroughly. The planet is mostly tropical, with prairies, tundra, and ice near the poles. Silvis IV has a large fresh water sea that stretches almost the length of the equator. These conditions will make Silvis IV an ideal agricultural world. The Novum Finium only needs to lay the basic infrastructure to start farming.”

Doog: “Well folks, I’ve now boarded the Novum Finium, and it appears that my guide is waiting for me. Hello there, I’m Doog.”
Jagain: “Yes, yes. I know who you are. We can skip the pleasantries, you’ve already set my schedule back fifteen minutes. Can you walk and talk?“
Doog: “I can tr…”
Jagain: “Yes, ok, good. Follow me. I’m Jagain, Overseer of Silvis IV’s colonization. We’re on a tight schedule. I only have six months to ready this planet for exploitation. Every little hiccup, like parading around with TV hosts, threatens to delay our operation.”
Doog: “Can you…”
Jagain: “No time for questions. Make a left here.”

Jagain: “This is the ship’s mapping room. The long range mapping scans done by the Almagest Mapping Rings are low definition, and we are currently updating the mapping scans from orbit. The mapping center is also responsible for monitoring weather and surface conditions. Until the proper satellites, radar, and communication systems have been installed, the workers on the surface rely on the Novum Finium for all their information.”

Mapping Supervisor: “You’re late. I have you scheduled for 1730 hours.”
Jagain: “Nope. You forgot to update your LIUPad. The schedule changed. I have to show this guy around.”
Mapping Supervisor: “Do we have time for that?”
Jagain: “No, but we don’t really have time to discuss it either. How’s everything looking?”

Mapping Supervisor: “The scans are going well. As you see here, we just finished imaging grid 90W 38N. It looks like we’ll be able to run a road right through the valley. I’m worried about the water conduits though. It will be a pain to route them through the mountains.”
Jagain: “We’ll route them through grid 88W 38N, bypass the mountains.”
Mapping Supervisor: “Yes sir. I‘ll make the corrections and update the itinerary.”

Jagain: “How’s the weather in 86W 34N?”
Mapping Supervisor: “Sunny and 72 degrees. There shouldn’t be any delays during today’s landing.”
Jagain: “Great. Make the corrections. I’ll see you at 2655 hours for debriefing.”
Mapping Supervisor: “I’ll be there.”
Jagain: “Don’t forget, I expect you to finish the 38N grids by that time.”
Mapping Supervisor: “We’ll try.”
Doog: “What’s PKDU stand for on the screen over…”
Jagain: “No, time. Follow me. We‘ll cut through Storage Bay #6.”

Jagain: “The Novum Finium has vast storage bays that hold everything that might be needed during the course of our operations. Everything from food to spare parts for our mechs can be found in rooms like this. You can’t just run to the
supermarket or home improvement store if you forgot something.”

Doog: “Bulk boxes of mac and cheese! Could I grab a few for my ship?”
Jagain: “If we get time, I’ll see what I can do. By the way, we don’t have time. Hold on. What’s this. Computer, get a engineer down here. Someone placed a canister of JH54 in the slot for JJ54.”
Computer: “The anomaly has already been detected. The proper corrections are scheduled to be fixed in twelve seconds.”
Jagain: “Thank you.”

Doog: “What is…”
Jagain: “No more questions and try to keep up.”

Jagain: “This is the staging room. Materials and supplies picked from the storage rooms are placed on pallets, secured, and made ready for transport to the surface.”

Jagain: “There is another cargo shuttle due in fifty three minutes. I trust everything is ready?”
Picker: “We almost ready now. We have two more pallets of steel beams to pack and we’ll be set.”
Jagain: “Great. I’ll adjust the schedule accordingly. Alright Doog. I’ve moved up our departure seven minutes. We need to get the personnel shuttle out of the bay to allow the cargo shuttle to land. Hurry. Come with me.”

Jagain: “This is our personnel shuttle, the LIU Alvus Mark II. It holds forty passengers. Two of those forty, will be us. Come on.”

Jagain: “We enter here.”
Doog: “Can we slow it down a bit. It seems like we’re rushing through everything. And I’ve hardly got a word….”

Jagain: “Sorry, I don’t have any time set aside for whining. Which reminds me, I need you to turn your head towards the shuttle.”
Doog: ‘What for?”

Doog: “Ouch! What the heck was that?”
Jagain: “It’s an inoculation against the planet’s native diseases. It also has synthetic chemicals that will prevent
atmospheric sickness. Silvis IV’s atmosphere has a slightly different make-up than you are accustomed to.”

Jagain: “The rest of the workers have arrived. Let’s grab a good seat.”

Three minutes later:

Jagain: “Welcome to Silvis IV, grid 86W 34N. In this grid, we are installing a bridge and a water pump.”

Jagain: “Here, you can see some of our engineers laying the base for a hoverway bridge across the planet’s sea.”

Jagain: “And over here, workers are installing a water pump. The Novum Finium has enough water supplies to last for a few months, but we need to bring the planet’s own water systems online. They can’t depend on us forever.”

Jagain: “The water will be piped up to the settlement at the top of this hill. Follow me.”
Doog: “Not a hill!”

Jagain: “This is the LIU Bison. It’s our most dependable ground transport on the surface. It looks like this unit is transporting materials to the coast. You can also see some of the crude roads built through the forest. If we continue a little further, we’ll see more advanced hoverways being built.”

Jagain: “Ah, here we go. We’re constructing a huge network of hoverways, or roads, across the planet’s surface. When farming begins, they will be able to utilize these roads to transport crops to the local spaceport.”

Jagain: “Most of the construction involves assembling pre-fabricated pieces. The construction mechs make it pretty fast work. You can also see some of the stabilization grids being constructed under the hoverway.”

Jagain: “Of course, we are also installing water and power conduits along the hoverway.”

Jagain: “All the roads in this grid lead to this spaceport. Crops will be shipped off-world from here. It appears they are slightly ahead of schedule.”

Jagain: “As I said before, the mechs make this pretty quick work.”

Jagain: “Over on that roof there, an engineer is finishing up installing the port’s sub-space communicator. In a few hours, the planet will be in contact with the rest of the galaxy, and they will not have to depend on the Novum Finium for communications. Well, that about wraps it up. As you can see, the Novum Finium is essentially installing all the planet’s infrastructure. In about four months, when we are finished, farm workers will start arriving to transform this alien landscape into a massive Super-Farm.”

Jagain: “Hey, look at that. We’re ahead of schedule. You have about thirty seconds to ask a question.”
Doog: “Finally! I thought I wasn’t going to get more than ten words in today. Uh…what…no, I mean why…I got nothing.”
Jagain: “Time’s up. See you later Doog.”
Doog: “Well folks, I’m not sure what just happened there. I’ve been rushed around what appears to be some sort of
construction operation. Oh well, hope you learned something because I sure didn’t. See ya next time.

Note:
“Grab a LIUPad at your local LIU supplier and follow Doog and crew with the TV2 app.

CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 4 - Episode 7 - Nuntius Station

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Season 4 - Episode 5 - Naves Caelum

8/11/2015

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LIU Atlas - Naves Caelum

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.

LIU Atlas - Naves Caelum

The Ludgonian Industrial Union’s galaxy contains billions of stars and planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting the gas planet Naves Caelum. Naves Caelum’s atmosphere consists primarily of hydrogen and helium, but also contains large amounts of ammonia and methane. Complex, but unintelligent life forms have evolved to utilize these elements just as we utilize oxygen and carbon. It turns out that Naves Caelum’s native life forms are also very tasty, and they are currently being farmed.”

Doog: “In order to farm the planet’s native life, the LIU relocated a race of beings known as the Lacertae to Naves Caelum. The Lacertae originate on a planet with a atmosphere similar to Naves Caelum, and they are able to breath on the planet without costly respirators.”

Doog: “We’re aboard a special ship, known as a LIU Sky Boat, that is designed to cruise through Naves Caelum’s atmosphere. The ship has two superheated helium tanks to provide buoyancy, and a large sail to capture the planet’s robust winds. The Lacertae use these ships to locate the native creatures.”

Doog: “Hello there. I’m Doog. And you are?”
Flibnok: “I am Flibnok. Pleasure to make your acquaintance.”
Doog: “So, what do you do here?”
Flibnok: “My race has been given the task of farming or collecting the native creatures for consumption. We call it sky fishing.”
Doog: “Well, shall we get to it?”

Doog: “Well, I see you have a harpoon ready. Why don’t we snag one of these little guys here.”
Flibnok: “Oh, that’s be a waste of time. These are Columbams. They have little useable meat, and they taste quite disgusting. They like riding our ship’s wake. It allows them to conserve energy while flying. They can be quite the nuisance”
Doog: “Yeah, I know the feeling. My crew is always trying to ride in the wake of my fame. They’re always slowing me
down.”
Flibnok: “Oh. I wasn’t aware of your ‘fame’. I guess it would be similar.”
Doog: “So, if we’re not hunting for Columbams, what are we looking for?”

Flibnok: “We’re hunting Cybium. Cybium are large bulbous creatures that contains lots of fat, meat, and oils that…”
Doog: “Whoa, you’re hunting my ex-girlfriend? Just kidding, please continue.”
Flibnok: “These meats and oils are very tasty and are a popular foodstuff in the LIU. Due to the rarity of the Cybium, the food they contain is expensive, and it usually is reserved for those that are more well off.”
Doog: “Of course.”
Flibnok: “The Cybium have large air bladders that contain helium giving them neutral buoyancy in the atmosphere. They propel their large bodies with four wings.”
Doog: “Do they eat the Columbams?”
Flibnok: “No. Both the Cybium and the Columbams eat a microscopic organism that is similar to algae. This abundant plant like creature uses chemosynthesis and sunlight to make food.”

Doog: “Look! There is one now! Nail him!”
Flibnok: “Actually, we’ve already caught our quota for the week. We’ll have to let this one go…for now. I did, however, save some of the meat from our last catch if you’d like to see how it’s processed.”
Doog: “I’d rather harpoon this guy, but I guess I’ll settle for leftovers.”
Flibnok: “Alright, let’s head home.”

Flibnok: “Naves Caelum lacks a habitable surface, so we’ve resorted to living on small floating rocks. These rocks were mined from one of Naves Caelum’s nearby moons. Magnetic repulsors were attached to the bottom of the lightweight rocks allowing the rocks to ride Naves Caelum’s magnetic field lines. This gives the appearance that they are floating.”

Flibnok: “Welcome to my humble little home.”
Doog: “Gee, it is a bit small. What is it 8 by 10?”
Flibnok: “Small, but it contains all we need to survive. Besides, we can’t weigh down the rock too much.”
Doog: ‘What’s this orange stuff growing around your house?”
Flibnok: “Uh, it’s a pain in my rear. You know those algae-like creatures that I was talking about earlier? Well, it appears they have attached themselves to the surface of our rocks where the sunlight is the strongest. Like the Columbams, the algae appears to be taking advantage of our presence. I spend a few hours a week cutting it back.”
Doog: “You know the universe is unfair when you have to mow the grass even though you’re living on a floating rock in the middle of a gas planet. You just can’t win.”

Flibnok: “We get our power from the abundant wind in the atmosphere. We use it to power our simple communication array. This array allows us to contact other rocks and to call the LIU when we are ready to unload our haul. Other than that, all we have is this rickety little dock.”
Doog: “That‘s more than I have. Well, shall we head inside?”
Flibnok: “Sure.”

Flibnok: “Like you pointed out, it is pretty small. We have bunk beds, some storage compartments, and meager kitchen accommodations. Unlike humans, we eliminate waste through our skin, so there is no need for waste collection devices.”
Doog: “I’m sure you smell great. I’ve never been so happy to have a glass bowl on my head…”
Flibnok: “Let’s head inside.”

Doog: “It’s a bit cramped. I bet you don’t do much entertaining.”
Flibnok: “No, never.”
Doog: “Look, maybe your buddy can step outside for a minute. Give us some space?”
Flibnok: “Actually, that’s my mate. I’d advise against stirring her when she’s sleeping. You may not like the consequences.”
Doog: “Oh, yeah, I’ve made that mistake before. I still have the scars to prove it.”

Flibnok: “We process the meat in the basement. If you’ll step outside, I’ll open the trapdoor.”

Flibnok: “The basement actually extends into the rock, and it is a little bigger than the main floor. This is our butcher station where we process the Cybium.”

Flibnok: “The Cybium’s meat is porous and contains pockets of gas. This makes the meat extremely tender. Of course, it cannot be eaten in this form, at least, by your species. We must grind it down and release all the stored gas.”

Flibnok: “After the Cybium meat is ground up, it is formed into wieners.”
Doog: “Well, I guess we’ll wrap it up. As a rule of thumb, I never stay long after wieners start popping out.”
Flibnok: “That’s a shame. I’d really like for you to taste my wiener.”
Doog: “Just stop.”
Flibnok: “Maybe I could pack my wiener in your compartment and you can taste it later.”
Doog: “Alright, I’m done.”

Doog: “Well folks, Naves Caelum is an interesting place. Despite having extremely difficult conditions, the planet supports a rich biosphere and a productive industry. I’ll see ya next time!”

Note:
Recipe for Meaty Delight:
1lb. of Cybium Wieners
1 gram of Imballic Salt
½ lb. of Piscaturian Dolphin
2 caps of Boletus Mushrooms(non-hallucinogenic)

Stir over medium heat. Bake at 600 degrees for 3 minutes. Serve hot. Feeds 2-4.

CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 4 - Episode 6 - Novum Finium

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Season 4 - Episode 4 - Saxa Asteroid Belt

8/11/2015

1 Comment

LIU Atlas - Saxa Asteroid Belt

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.

LIU Atlas - Saxa Asteroid Belt

The Ludgonian Industrial Union’s galaxy contains billions of stars and planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU
could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting the Saxa Asteroid Belt. The belt, a remnant of a failed planet, consists of billions of asteroids ranging in size from dust to dwarf planets. These asteroids contain significant volumes of valuable minerals, and they are currently being mined. Mining operations are based on the belt’s largest asteroid, a dwarf planet known as Saxa.”

Doog: “The Saxa Mining Station, tethered in a crater on Saxa’s surface, oversees mining operations in the belt. The station contains facilities and dorms for over two thousand workers. It also houses the mining control center, several hangars, and a foundry for processing ore.”

Doog: “Surprisingly, the station is mobile. Four large thrusters allow the station to reposition itself in the asteroid belt once mining operations have been exhausted in the immediate area.”

Doog: “The station’s roof has three large landing platforms. That’s where we’re headed. Unfortunately, the Magellan does not have a connectable airlock, so I’ll have to suit up to enter the facility.”

Doog: “Our guide today is Mining Director Pav Elderhest. I believe he may be the oldest guide we’ve encountered thus far, but a spring chicken in comparison to Oldie.”
Pav: “Watch all this ‘old’ talk, boy. I may have aged a bit, but don’t think I won’t bend you over my knee and paddle your behind.”
Doog: “Just relax Pav, it was a joke.”
Pav: “I know what a joke is boy! I was making jokes when you were still (bleeping) in your diaper. Heck, I was making jokes when your daddy was still (bleeping) in his diaper.”

Doog: “Wow, ok. Let’s get back on subject. Tell me about what you…”
Pav: “And what the heck are you wearing?”
Doog: “Excuse me?”
Pav: “Are you stupid or something boy? I mean, who in tarnation wears a giant glass bubble around their head in the middle of an asteroid field. One micrometeoroid impact and you’re a dead man.”
Doog: ‘Hmm, I guess I never thought of that.”
Pav: “That’s the problem with you youngins, never thinking. In fact, come on over here. I have something for ya.”
Doog: “Uh, ok…”

Pav: “GUT PUNCH!”
Doog: “Huuuuh, cough, cough. What was that for?”
Pav: “I bet you’ll think of that next time you decide to be stupid.”

Pav: “Now, what were you sayin’?”
Doog: “Gasp, gasp. What…what do you do here?”
Pav: “I’ve been working these here fields for about fifty or so years. I’ve since retired from the field, but stayed on the operation as an overseer. I didn’t want my experience to go to waste. Besides, if I left it up to you youngins, this place would be destroyed in a week.”
Doog: “Do you think you could show us around? Let us get a feel for the operation?”
Pav: “Yeah, I guess that’d be alright. Try not to be too stupid, and I’ll see what I can do.”

Worker: “Pav, we’ve been looking for you. We had a meteoroid strike on deck six. It slipped through the shielding and struck the power conduit. Decks six through eight are currently running on back-up power. We’ve lost elevator power to all floors.”
Pav: “Get it fixed now! In the mean time, it looks like we’re taking the ladder.”
Doog: “Uh, I’ll just wait.”
Pav: “If you thought that gut punch hurt, you should feel my motivational kick to the @#%! Get a move on!”
Doog: “Yes sir.”

Pav: “The Asteroid Deployment Unit, or ADU, is in charge of selecting which asteroids to mine. Truth be told, I can’t stand these white-collar smarty pant sons of (bleeps). They’ve never worked a day in the field, and they think they can tell us what to do.”
Pearson: “I thought I smelled decay. What are you doing here Pav?”
Pav: “Watch it boy. Doog has me wound up, and I might just teach you a thing or two about gut punches.”
Pearson: “It sounds like Doog’s already learned about a gut punch. He’s still panting.”
Doog: “Actually, that’s the ladder’s fault.”
Pav: “Enough of the chit chat. If you’re not to busy styling your hair, I thought you could show Doog what you do here. Whatever that is…”

Pearson: “Well, let’s take a look at the horizontal mapping screen. Computer, bring up the map. Ah, there we go. Currently, we’re mining arc 13 of the asteroid belt, which is the immediate area around Saxa. The screen is showing the asteroids larger than one hundred miles in diameter. This large asteroid here, known as F88-2106, is our mining target for the next few months.”

Pearson: “Spectral analysis indicates that F88-2106 contains large amounts of iron, indium, lead, and silver. The asteroid contains moderate amounts of titanium, nickel, tin, and cobalt. There are also negligible amounts of platinum, zinc, gold, and copper. The mineral worth of this asteroid is worth several billion credits.”

Pav: “Well, Doog, did you catch all that? Fancy pants is studying rocks with his equipment.”
Doog: “Yeah, but, honestly, I’m more interested in this screen. It’s like a big game of asteroids. All we need is a spaceship.”
Pav: “Still not taking this seriously are you? Hmm, you know what? Yeah, there is a game on this screen. Go ahead, take a close look. It’s real small. Look real close.”

Pav: “FACE SMASH!”
Doog: “Ahh!”
Pav: “Do you see any games now boy?”
Doog: “No, no. I’m sorry. I’m sorry!”
Pav: “Are you sure? Alright then. If you’re ready to be serious, we’ll head to the foundry.”

Pav: “Unlike most mining operations in the LIU, we process our ore on site. There are several foundries, like this, on the lower decks of the station.”

Pav: “Using magnetic pulse furnaces, raw ore and small asteroids are melted down into a liquid. The various minerals separate and settle to different levels. After that, it’s just a matter of usin’ resonance beams to extract the various elements.”

Pav: “Well, you made it through this whole explanation without doing anything stupid. Either you’ve gone mute, or you learned your lesson.”
Doog: “A little of both I guess. My face feels like it’s melting off making it hard to speak. I’m also very afraid that you may dunk my head in the molten ore if I say the wrong thing. Silence seems safer.”

Doog: “Where are we now?”
Pav: “Ah, we’re finally to the best part of the operation, the actual mining. This is hangar 4. Here, workers ship out into the asteroid belt to mine the various asteroids.”

Pav: “This mag-lev shuttle transports mining crews and their equipment to the mining site. Now that you seem to be acting more responsibly, I going to let you ship out with one of our mining crews.”

Pav: “You’re going to need this. This helmet is much stronger than that fish bowl you were wearing on your head earlier.”
Doog: “Thanks Pav.”

Pav: “Open the bay on shuttle 4.”

Pav: “This is the real deal Doog. One mistake could kill you and your fellow miners. Don’t be stupid.”
Doog: “I’ll try…”

Doog: “Well folks, it’s time to ship out. See ya in a few minutes.”

Ten minutes later, on the surface of F88-2106:

Doog: “Alright folks, I’m now joined by Field Mining Supervisor Kovaz. What’s going on here Kovaz?”

Kovaz: “My crew and I have been assigned the task of surface chunking P88-2106.”
Doog: “What’s surface chunking? Sounds dirty.”
Kovaz: “That’s just what we call it. The process has some fancy technical name, but I can’t recall what it is. Essentially, we drill a certain depth into the asteroid, deposit explosives, and blow a chunk of the surface off the asteroid. There, it is retrieved by the collectors.”
Doog: “Makes sense, I guess.”
Kovaz: “You can see some of my crew beginning to drill into the asteroid.”

Kovaz: “Once a certain drill depth is achieved, explosives will be lowered into the hole. This container is heavily armored to prevent micrometeoroid damage. It contains the explosives.”

Kovaz: “Although this appears to be dynamite, they’re actually highly explosive anti-matter cylinders. Dangerous stuff.”
Doog: “I’m just going to step over here, far away from the dangerous stuff.”

Doog: “What’s that?”

Kovaz: “This little guy here is the mobile surveying platform. Samples are gathered and placed into the spectral analyzer. The analyzer determines the make-up of the asteroid. Basically, it confirms the scans done from the control room.”

Kovaz: “The rear of the surveyor has a scale formatted to the asteroids gravity, and spare tools and supplies.”

Doog: “Now this looks cool.”
Kovaz: “Yeah, this thing is a beast. Its called the Gorilla Mining Suit. The miners start drilling with small tools, but the
majority of the drilling is done by this suit.”

Kovaz: “Once chunks of the asteroid have been blown off, they’re collected by the LIU Asteroid Collector Clamp and transported to the foundry.”

Doog: “Well folks, the Saxa Asteroid Belt is an interesting place. Billions of tons of minerals are mined daily and shipped out to meet all the material demands of the LIU. I even learned a little bit about respect and responsibility too. See ya next time.”

Note:

Pav: “Glad you learned something today boy.”
Doog: “Yeah, me too. Hey, before I go. I thought of another joke.”
Pav: “Be careful boy!”
Doog: “You’re so old, you were making jokes when this iron ore was still (bleeping) in its diapers!”

Pav: “I’ll show you old!”

CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 4 - Episode 5 - Naves Caelum

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Season 4 - Episode 3 - Ignea Avis

8/11/2015

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LIU Atlas - Ignea Avis

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas. About this creation

LIU Atlas - Ignea Avis

The Ludgonian Industrial Union’s galaxy contains billions of stars and planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting the sweltering planet of Ignea Avis. Ignea Avis is a small, rocky planet that orbits uncomfortably close to its parent star.
Temperatures in the “summer” hemisphere can reach upwards of three hundred degrees; while its “winter” hemisphere is much cooler, only reaching around one hundred degrees. Unfortunately, Ignea Avis has no moon or large outer planet to stabilize its rotation causing the planet to wobble. This unpredictable wobble makes the seasons change quickly and could bring oppressive heat to any region, at any time. Despite these brutal conditions, Ignea Avis is inhabited and sports a rich mining industry.”

Doog: “Mining operations are monitored from the safety of a comfortable, climate controlled space station in Ignea Avis’ orbit. We’re headed here first.”

Shaw: “Hey, Doog. Welcome to the Avis Mining Station. I’m Dr. Shaw, Director of Mining Operations, and this is my colleague, Dallas Byrd, Director of Cultural Manipulation.”
Doog: “More like Dolly Byrd with all that eye shadow.”
Dallas: “Hey! This isn’t make-up, these are tattoos. They’re part of my job man. Do you know who I…”
Shaw: “Settle down Dallas, it was just a joke.”
Dallas: “…(mumble) I’m a freaking God-King…”
Doog: “What’s that guys deal?”
Shaw: “Sometimes he gets into his character a little too much. It will all make sense soon enough.”
Doog: “I guess…so…what do you guys mine here?”

Shaw: “We mine one of the rarest naturally occurring crystals in the universe, Imballic Salt. Here, I brought a crystal to show you.”
Doog: “Impala Salt? What’s so special about impalas?”
Shaw: “No, Im-ball-ic Salt.”
Doog: “What? Like, salt from balls? I don’t get it.”
Shaw: “No! Imballic Salt. Its an ultra-rare, but ultra-delicious food flavoring. One grain of this stuff can make the nastiest gruel taste like it was made for a king.”
Doog: “Whoa, I’ll take a crystal or two for my ship!”
Shaw: “Ha! You wish. Imballic Salt is worth ten times its weight in gold. You couldn’t afford an atom of this stuff. No offense.”
Doog: “None taken. Right now, I couldn’t even afford a proton of this salt.”
Shaw: “Yeah, me neither. This is some very special stuff. It’s traded on the Universe Spice Exchange, although, technically its non-organic, and not a true spice. It’s a big earner.”
Doog: “So, are we going to shoot the whole show here in this corridor, or should we move on?”
Shaw: “Ah, yes. Sorry. Let’s head to Monitoring Station #2.”

Shaw: “Like all good things in life, Imballic Salt doesn’t come to us very easily. The crystal is very brittle and hard to mine. Large machinery is too abrasive and disintegrates the crystals. We’ve been forced to land people on the surface and mine the planet by hand.”
Doog: “In these conditions?”
Shaw: “Yeah, unfortunately. The heat and radiation in the summertime are deadly, to say the least. The good news is that the winter hemisphere, while uncomfortable, can support life.”
Doog: “But can’t the seasons change at anytime?”
Shaw: “Yeah, that’s the bad news. That’s where the monitoring stations come in handy. Using advanced planetary sensors near the planet’s poles, we are able to monitor the planet’s rotation. While not perfect, we can usually predict when summer will arrive within a few hours. As you see on the screen here, we’re monitoring conditions on Site #2. The current planetary incline is at about 27 degrees. The computer is predicting that Site #2 has about six hours until the sun comes directly overhead.”
Doog: “Summer?”
Shaw: “Yep. Right now temperatures are moderate, around 120 degrees. But we’ll need to relocate site #2 pretty soon…”

Pete: “Sir! We’ve crunched the numbers! Site #2 needs to be relocated soon!”
Shaw: “Yes Pete, we’re looking at the same screen you are. I’m guessing that you just wanted to be on TV? And Anderson, what are you doing up here. You’re supposed to be in the Gate Room.”
Anderson: “Uh…how’s my hair?”
Shaw: “Get back to work! Well Doog, you’ve arrived at a special time. You guys are going to get to see a relocation. Come with me.”

Shaw: “The hardest part of extracting Imballic Salt is finding workers to do it. No one wants to work in these conditions, and if they do, they want to be paid a lot.”
Doog: “That’s not happening in the LIU.”
Shaw: “Nope. And then there is the whole trustworthiness thing. There’s not a lot of folks you could send down there that wouldn’t be tempted to steal the salts. So, we’ve come up with a rather odd solution. First, we bred humans that were more resistant to heat. Their skin’s thicker, and they sweat a lot more.”
Doog: “I think my ex-girlfriend might have escaped from your program…”
Shaw: “Um, no. Anyway, we then needed a way to control these people…”
Doog: “So they won’t steal?”
Shaw: “Yep. We removed them from society and limited their access to knowledge and technology. A few generations later, they reverted to a more primitive state. Without education, the primitives, as they always do, created an elaborate religion to explain all they didn’t know. We simply utilized this religion as a method of control. That‘s where…”
Doog: “How about you just show us? This show is already getting pretty dialogue intensive. The viewers might be getting bored.”
Shaw: “Yeah, sure. Sorry. This is just some complicated stuff. Before we go to the planet’s surface, we’re going to need to get you fitted for a heat suit. Our bodies can’t handle the heat, not for very long anyway.”

Shaw: “I trust your suit fits properly?”
Doog: “Yeah, but forget the suit. What is this?”
Shaw: “We call this the Gateway, but technically it’s called a Shortwave Matter Annihilator/Reconstitution Device. We’re trying to limit the technology the primitives come into contact with, so we can’t just fly down there on a ship. Instead, we use the Gateway. The gateway open a wormhole directly to a corresponding gate on the surface. It allows nearly instantaneous travel.”
Doog: “Isn’t the Gateway just as much, if not more, technology as a starship?”

Shaw: “Yes, but it is also much more mystical. It adds that religious flair we were looking for. Just for the record, the gateway is very expensive to use, and its cost is only justified by the high price of Imballic Salt. You won’t see this technology too often. Ah, here comes Dallas. We‘re almost ready.”

Doog: “What the heck? Is there a costume party I should know about?”
Shaw: “No. No. Dallas is posing as Ignea Avis, the primitives’ god.”
Doog: “Hey! That’s the name of the planet too!”
Shaw: “Very observant Doog. Ignea Avis means ‘Fiery Bird’ in the ancient language. The primitives worship the sun, which they believe is a large fiery bird.”
Dallas: “Sunt nos parati?”
Shaw: “Yeah, I think we’re ready.”
Doog: “What language is that?”
Shaw: “That’s the language of the Ancients, Doog. To avoid any accidental exposure to knowledge, the primitives were not taught basic, only ancient. Which reminds me, at no time should you interact with the primitives, and never show them your face. They mustn’t know we too are human.”
Doog: “I’ll see what I can do.”

Shaw: “Engaging Gateway. Connecting to Site #2 in 3...2...1”
Doog: “Awesome!”
Shaw: Let Dallas go first. We‘ll wait a few seconds before we follow.”

The following contains subtitles for better viewer apprehension:

Ignea Avis: “Ego, Ignea Avis, deus rex, imperat tuum respectu et plena operam. (I, Ignea Avis, your god king, commands your respect and full attention.”)

Primitives: “Nos inclinant ante ignea fortitudine! (We bow before your fiery might!)

Doog: “Holy Kaadu! That feels weird.”
Shaw: “Shhh. Not so loud.”
Doog: “Sorry.”
Ignea Avis: “Venio nunc ad mortem sol. Si inveni gratiam vestram placet, dabo tibi salutem sacri specus. (I come to you now as the death sun rises. If I find your gifts pleasing, I will grant you safety in the hallowed caves.)
Doog: “What did he say?”
Shaw: “Essentially, he’s offering them safety from the deadly summer sun, as long as they have mined enough Imballic Salt. It looks like they’re going to take him to their mining camp.”

Doog: “Wait! I want a ride too! These stairs have used up all my energy!”

Doog: “This is their camp? There’s not much to it.”
Shaw: “Yeah, they don’t really need much here, a few small huts to get out the sun on occasion, some food, and lots of water.”

Shaw: “Here you can see some of the larger Imballic Salt Crystals imbedded in the cliff side. The primitives gently coax it out with pickaxes and their hands.”

Shaw: “Some of the others carefully collect the removed crystals.”
Doog: “Who are the Ignea Avis impersonators?”
Shaw: “Ah, these primitives were appointed to be overseers. They report directly to their god, and they are held directly responsible for any failures in the mining operation. They drive the others to work harder. Come on, let’s head down.”

Shaw: “There are few building materials here, other than rock, which makes it difficult to build any complex structures. Instead, the primitives are given things, like this wooden crane, as a reward for their hard work. It looks like they’re using it to haul water up the cliff.”
Doog: “Where are they getting this water?”
Shaw: “Ha, not from the planet! Water too is a gift from Ignea Avis. It’s a powerful motivator itself.”

Ignea Avis: “Congregabo ad me! (Gather to me!)

Ignea Avis: “Vidi satis. Proceditur ad sanctificetur loco. (I have seen enough. We may proceed to the hallowed place.)

Doog: “What’s going on! I don’t speak ancient!”
Shaw: “Oh, sorry. I keep forgetting. Ignea Avis has agreed to lead the primitives to salvation. As you can see, the primitives have packed up their whole camp and are now following Ignea Avis to the hallowed caves.

Shaw: “I really like this part of the charade.”
Doog: What’s going on?”
Shaw: “ This is the ‘hallowed cave’. Its deep chamber offers safety during the hottest days of the summer sun. The cave has been sealed, so the primitives don’t utilize it any other time. This nifty sun icon on the ground here is actually a sensor. When it detects the sun’s rays getting stronger, it unlocks the cave.”

Ignea Avis: “Sol aperit ostium! (The sun opens the door!)

Shaw: “The long corridor of the cave eventually opens into a small chamber.”

Shaw: “The primitives live here, in this chamber, until it is safe to go back to mining.”
Doog: “And do what?”
Shaw: “Nothing. Just relax, recuperate, and get ready for the next mining cycle.”
Doog: “What! A vacation? I don’t even get one of those!”
Shaw: “I guess we could use some extra help mining if you want to get on our vacation plan.”
Doog: “Uh, you know what…vacations are overrated.”
Shaw: “That’s what I thought.”

Doog: “Well folks, Ignea Avis is a strange place. Like the planet Renideo, religion is used to control a less intelligent culture. It’s only with these primitives’ hard work and lack of intelligence that the highly priced Imballic Salt can be extracted. Well, see ya next time.”

Note:
Imballic Salt is ranked sixteenth out of five hundred on the Universe Spice Exchange. See your nearest Spice investor for more details.”

CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 4 - Episode 3.5 - Popina's Diner

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Season 4 - Episode 2 - Nifheim

8/11/2015

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LIU Atlas - Niflheim

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.

LIU Atlas - Niflheim

The Ludgonian Industrial Union's galaxy contains billions of stars and billions of planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I'm your host, Terrance "Doog" McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting the frozen world of Niflheim. Niflheim, which orbits far from its small star, is covered in a large icy shell. However, internal stresses in the planet’s core have formed large lava rivers that break up the planet’s icy monotony. These warmer lava river regions are habitable, and they are home to what else, but an Elite Citizen Resort Spa.”

Doog: “The Niflheim Resort Spa comes into view as my ship approaches one of the planet’s largest lava rivers. The resort, perched precariously over the molten river, is reserved for Elite Citizens only, and I’ve had to obtain special
permission to shoot here.”

Doog: “Today’s guide, who is supposed to be waiting for me in the lobby, is an old friend that once guided us on the planet Pelago. Today’s guide is none other than LIU Socialite, and former adult movie star, Big Adams.”

Native: “Ah, you must be here for the dishwashing job. Usually, applicants enter through the employee door. We wouldn’t want to disturb the guests, would we?”
Doog: “Actually, I’m a guest of Big Adams. He’s supposed to meet me here.”
Native: “My apologies, I just assumed any guest of Mr. Adams would be more, you know, elite. Or, at the very least, a female.”

Native: “Anyhow, Mr. Adams is waiting for you in the resort’s bar. You’ll find the bar just through these doors. Please refrain from touching anything. The lobby was just cleaned.”
Doog: “Gee, thanks.”

Big: “…so, I say to her, sure it will fit, it’s your internal organs that I’m worried about!”
Girl: “Hehehe.”

Big: “Doog! Buddy! What took you so long?”
Doog: “You were supposed to meet me in the lobby, Big.”
Big: “Yeah, well I was supposed to stay away from churches and schools too, but I didn’t let that stop me.”
Doog: “Uh, I’m not sure I want to know what that’s all about. So, what is this place?”
Big: “This is the Niflheim Resort Spa. This place has some of the greatest mineral spas in the LIU Galaxy.”
Doog: “Mineral Spas?”
Big: “Yeah, come with me.”

Bartender: “Ah, you must be the plumber. Good thing you’re here, someone dropped an Ebrian sized log in toilet two.”
Doog: “I‘m starting to hate this place.”

Big: “This here is one of two artificial spas at the resort.”
Doog: “Spa? It looks like a pool that hasn’t been cleaned for a few weeks.”
Big: “Ha, yeah. It looks like that discharge that I had after…”
Doog: “Stay on topic Big!”
Big: “Oh, yeah, sorry. These pools contain mineral water. You see, the heat from the lava river melts the nearby ice. The melted ice, or water, drains into Niflheim's crust, becomes superheated, and returns to the surface via hot springs and geysers.”

Big: “Geysers…I met a few girls that you could call…”
Doog: “Big…”
Big: “Sorry. The heated water leaches some of the minerals from the rocks as it returns to the surface. This mineralized water is great for the skin. Elite citizens, like myself, enjoy the mineral baths’ revitalizing effects.”
Doog: “So these pools are actually hot springs?”
Big: “Oh no, these are artificial pools. The mineral water is real, but its been processed and brought up to the resort from the hot springs below.”

Doog: “So, how do we get down there?”
Big: “You could use my man rope.”
Doog: “You don’t have any rope in your hands, Big…oh, wait, I just got it. No thanks…”
Big: “Ha, I’m just messing with you Doog. Besides, we don’t want to go down there. We want to visit the real thing.”
Doog: “An actual hot spring?”
Big: “Yep.”

Doog: “Thanks for letting me borrow your suit Big. It’s roomy, to say the least.”
Big: “Yeah, I wore it yesterday, I wasn’t using it anymore.”
Doog: “Gross.”

Big: “Paths, like this, were carved into the cliff sides near the resort. They lead down to the lava river’s edge.”
Doog: “Weird, I thought it would be hotter down here.”

Big: “It would be a bit warmer, but cold lamps were installed along the way to keep the path cool.”
Doog: “Ah, of course, we wouldn’t want any of you elitist to burn your toes. There’s still one thing that I don’t understand.”
Big: “What’s that, Doog?”
Doog: “Stairs.”
Big: “Stairs?”

Doog: “Yeah. I’m not sure I want to live in a universe where even elite citizens have to use stairs. It leaves no hope for regular stair-hating guys like me…”

Big: “This is it. One of Niflheim's natural mineral hot springs.”
Doog: “It’s right on the lava!”
Big: “Yeah, cool isn’t it.”
Doog: “And ultra-dangerous…”
Big: “Nah, its pretty safe. The river is pretty tame. Shall we get in?”

Doog: “I’m not sure, it looks greener than the other mineral water.”
Big: “That other stuff is processed tourist water. It’s for fat, old, or lazy elitist that can’t venture down here. This is the good stuff. A few minutes in here, and your skin will be perfect for months.”
Doog: “That‘s if my skin is still there when I get out.”

Doog: “Hey, that isn’t half bad. I could get used to this.”
Big: “Don’t get too used to it buddy. This is probably a one time thing…you know…since you’re not an Elite Citizen.”
Doog: “You could of let me dream Big.”

Doog: “ Whoa, what was that? Something just brushed against my leg. Are there eels in here or something?”
Big: “Oops, nope that’s just me. It appears we had a prison break…from my pants.”
Doog: “I’m done….”

Doog: “Well folks, these stairs are going to take me a few hours to ascend, so we’re going to cut away momentarily to some stock footage.”

Doog: “In addition to its spas, Niflheim is also famous for its Lava Board Raceway. The Niflheim Grand Prix is one of the six major lava boarding competitions in the LIU Galaxy. Unfortunately, the race isn’t scheduled until later this year, so you guys are just going to have to enjoy some of this stock footage.”

Doog: “In case you’ve been living under a rock or some other boring galaxy, lava boarding races consist of pilots guiding their custom made lava boards through dangerous lava tracks. You can enter any lava board you want; the only rule being that your board can only have four repulsor-lift engines.”

Doog: “Well, I’ve finally made it back to the resort, and boy, have I worked up an appetite. It’s a good thing too, because Big has promised me a feast made for an elitist before I go. What’s on the menu, Big?”
Big: “Well Doog, the Niflheim Resort Spa specializes in one thing, Niflheimian Lava Beetles.”

Doog: “A beetle! I thought this was a feast!”
Big: “Niflheimian Lava Beetles are a feast, Doog. Look at the size of this thing! Oh, and the size of the beetle too……ha ha, get it?”
Doog: “Yes, Big. We all get it.”
Big: “ These beetles are the only species native to Niflheim’s lava rivers. Supposedly, they eat the minerals in the hot springs and absorb the minerals into their flesh. When you eat the beetle, you absorb the minerals into your body.”
Doog: “If I absorb any more minerals today, Big, I might just become a rock. I’ll pass.”

Doog: “Well folks, Niflheim is a great place, for some. Its unique mineral waters and hot springs keep the LIU’s Elite in tip-top shape. For the rest of us, well, its just a place to dream about. See ya next time.”

Note:
Pick up some Niflheim Mineral Lotion at your local store and live like the Elite! (Does not contain any actual minerals from Niflheim. Do not confuse this product with Big Adam’s Protein Cream in similar bottle.)

CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 4 - Episode 3 - Ignea Avis

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Season 4 - Episode 1 - Panarium

8/11/2015

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LIU Atlas - Panarium

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas.

LIU Atlas - Panarium

The Ludgonian Industrial Union's galaxy contains billions of stars and billions of planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.

Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo.

Onboard Doog's ship, the Magellan:

Mike: “Doog, buddy, why do you look so somber? We got our old jobs back. We didn’t even get punished!”
Doog: “Not true. I just spoke with the producers. We are being punished severely…”
Mike: “Wait! What? Are we going to prison?”
Doog: “Nope. Even worse…”
Mike: “Noooo…tell me it isn’t so!”
Doog: “Sorry Mike, it’s true. We’re doing a show on an agricultural world.”
Mike: “What did we do to deserve this!”

Doog: “Welcome to Season Four of LIU Atlas. I'm your host, Terrance "Doog" McDoogal. Today, were visiting the planet Panarium. Panarium sits in the barycenter of a binary system. Colpha A and B, two very bright stars, seemingly orbit the planet, bathing it in endless light. In fact, the stars are so bright, we couldn’t image the planet directly. You are seeing a heavily filtered scan from the Almagest Mapping Center.”

Doog: “Panarium has no atmosphere or natural water, and it is constantly bombarded with radiation. How can this desolate place be a agricultural world? Easy, by growing the crops inside huge facilities. One of these facilities has
come into view as our ship circles towards the planet’s surface. It appears that large mirrors are reflecting light towards the facility.”

Doog: “Alright. Let’s get this over with. Oh…great. A guy with overalls. What could be more cliché on an agricultural planet?”
Ged: “You must be Doog. Hi, I’m Ged, supervisor of this facility.”
Doog: “Hey Ged. So look, I have to ask. Why build a farm on such a desolate planet? I mean, just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.”
Ged: “Well Doog, Panarium a pretty special place. It receives more sunlight than most of the worlds in the LIU Galaxy. The more sunlight you have, the more crops you can yield. The only real impediment to farming here is the lack of water. We must import all the water we use.”
Doog: “I see. Well, shall we continue.”
Ged: “Sure. Water and light are piped from substations like this to the fields. If you follow me…”
Doog: “Wait! Did you say that you pipe light?”

Ged: “Yep, these pipes use fiber optics and mirrors to direct light from the planet’s surface down to our farms.”
Doog: “Cool, but you know what, lighting pipes is still cooler than piping light.”
Ged: “Uh…sure.”
Doog: “Don’t you get it? You know…lighting pipes? Never mind. Let’s continue.”
Ged: “Sure. Let’s take this elevator to the bottom of field #4.”

Ged: “Welcome to field four, tunnel eight, Doog.”
Doog: “Wow, I can’t even see the top.”
Ged: “Yep. Right now, we’re about five miles below the surface. The tunnel goes all the way to the top.”
Doog: “You’re farming on the walls?”
Ged: “Sure. By growing food on the walls of the tunnels, we maximize the amount of surface area available. The light pipes transfer light to this light tube which distributes it evenly all along the tunnel.”
Doog: “How’s the dirt sticking to the wall?”
Ged: “That’s classified Doog.”
Doog: “It’s classified or you just don’t know?”
Ged: “Uh…let’s move on.”

Ged: “Here on Panarium, we grow various foodstuffs, like fruits, vegetables, and grains. Our farm feeds about 4% of the LIU population, one of the highest percentages in the galaxy.”

Doog: “What’s that?”
Ged: “That’s a LIU Automated Pruner and Picker. These automated robots take care of all the crops and insure maximum yield. They also harvest the food when the time comes. It saves us a lot of time and money, besides its hard for humans to farm sideways.”
Doog: “I can’t argue with that.”

Doog: “Well, is there anything else for us to talk about down here? It’s pretty bright, and I don’t have cool shades like you.”
Ged: “I think that’s it. Shall we…”
APP: “FOREIGN CONTAMINANT DETECTED. CONTAMINANT IS ORGANIC IN NATURE. CONTAMINANT CONTAINS TOO MUCH FATTY TISSUE TO BE PLANT YET THE BRAINWAVES ASSOCIATED WITH ADVANCED LIFE ARE NOT DETECTED. POSSIBLE PEST. BEGINNING QUARANTINE.”
Doog: “Dude, I think your machine is broken.”

Doog: “Wait Ahhhhhh!”
Ged: “Doog! Hold on! I’m so sorry, this has never happened before. We must have set the brainwave detector too high!”

Doog: “What’s happening Ged!?!”
Ged: “Doog, hang on. The APP has dropped you into a compost chute. I’ll be down in a minute.”

Doog: “Well folks, it appears I’ve been thrown away. This organic sludge smells terrible, and its slowly seeping into my underwear.”

Ged: “Doog! Are you ok?”
Doog: “I’m standing waist deep in rotting vegetation. I’m pretty sure I’m not ok.
Ged: “You need to hurry up and get out.”
Doog: “Nah, I’m already in the sludge. We might as well use it on the show. So, tell me about this compost pit.”
Ged: “Doog! We don’t have time!”
Doog: “I have all the time in the world Ged.”
Ged: “Fine! We try not to waste any of our resources. Weeds, plants, and rotten produce are thrown into compost pits, like this. The sludge is used to add nutrients back into the soil. Unfortunately, the natural decay of the vegetation is too slow, so we’ve added squid-like creatures to the pit to speed up the process!”
Doog: “Wait…what was that last part?”

Doog: “Ahhhh!”
Ged: “I told you to get out fast!”

Doog: “Whew, that was close. Well Ged, where are we now?”
Ged: “As you saw in the compost pit, we try to recycle as much of our resources as possible. Here, in this room, we recycle water. Water is in short supply here, and we can’t afford to waste much.”
Doog: “I don’t see any water here Ged.”
Ged: “That’s because the water is in the crops. You see, we can’t afford to ship out the produce with water still inside it. We’d lose valuable water with every shipment. Instead, we bring the crops to large dehydration chambers like this.”

Ged: “It’s dangerous for us to be inside this room for too long, otherwise we might be dehydrated also. Instead, we use robots to manage the chamber. This robot here is wheeling a container of apples deeper into the chamber.”
Doog: “Hey, my pants are already dry!”

Ged: “I had one of the robots leave a fully dehydrated container here for you to see. The food has shriveled up. We lose less water, and the product is much smaller which makes it cheaper to ship. “
Doog: “Hmm, dehydrated plums, don’t mind if I do.”
Ged: “Actually, that’s an eggplant.”

Doog: “Eww…nasty. Well folks, Panarium is a pretty important place. Its advanced technology allows it to feed a large part of the LIU’s population. My crew and I are happy to be back. Hope you are happy to see us too. Until next time, farewell."

Note:
Try the Panarium Suntan Chamber on the 15th floor.

CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE: Season 4 - Episode 2 - Nifheim

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