Season 9 - Episode 5.5 - Arrhabo

There are billions of stars, millions of planets, but there is only one man, Terrance McDoogal. Welcome to LIU Atlas. 

LIU Atlas - Arrhabo

The Ludgonian Industrial Union's galaxy contains billions of stars and billions of planets. Unfortunately, most residents of the LIU could only name a handful of these worlds. In order to improve astronomy grades across the LIU Galaxy, TV2 has started a new program called LIU Atlas. Follow our host, Terrance McDoogal, as he takes you on a tour across the LIU and some of its more obscure worlds.


Note: This episode is presented in full screen. The corresponding dialogue is underneath each photo. This episode may require knowledge of the AI, Divine Breath.

Mike: “Looks like 18-0 record in Iocalean Chess is no longer in danger. There’s no way you can defeat me now that I have both my purple Sultan and a knighted Consort. Feel free to resign.”
Doog: “Never. You’re going down this time. Right, DB?”
Mike: “Hey! You can’t ask the ship’s computer for help!”
Doog: “I’m not!”
DB: “Yes, Mike. I would never dream of manipulating Doog’s play with coded messages. That would be unfair. By the way Doog, I FORWARDED that email to your RIGHT account. I think you should CHECK it, MATE.”
Mike: “Sigh. If you’re going to cheat, you could have at least developed a better code. 
DB: “I concur. I advised Doog of this very matter. Unfortunately, he was not able to decipher more elaborate codes in a timely matter.”
Mike: “So, you admit to cheating?”
Doog: “What! Of course not! I don’t know what DB is talking about. He must have a virus.”

Mike: “I know DB is your friend, Doog, but he’s starting to get on my nerves.”
Doog: “What! DB is the best! You’re just mad that he’s helping me beat you at chess!”
Oldie: “It’s not just the chess games, Doog. DB gets in the middle of everything. He’s always active.”
Mike: “Yeah, remember our old ship’s computer. It only talked when we asked it something or there was an emergency. DB talks all day.”
Oldie: “And all night. It’s hard enough sleeping with you guys always talking and fighting, but DB makes it impossible. I need my beauty sleep!”
Doog: “Well, that’s just you and Mike. Everyone else likes DB.”
Cam: “Uh…I didn’t want to say anything, especially in front of DB, but…they’re right. I miss our old computer. It didn’t ask me a hundred questions whenever I did something. Sorry DB, because, you know, you’re probably listening.”

DB: “No apology is necessary. I wasn’t aware that my presence was annoying everyone. That was not my intention. I am eager to learn about the galaxy, and I mistakenly placed my thirst for knowledge before your happiness. It is I that should apologize.”
Doog: “See! DB’s a good guy. He didn’t mean any harm. Give the guy a break.”
DB: “Perhaps I can then make more appropriate judgements about our interactions if I spend more time studying the crew. Let me access the crew bio’s and browsing histories to make better assessments.”
Doog: “Wait! What! Browsing histories! Emergency bathroom meeting everyone! Pronto!”

Doog: “It’s official. You guys are right. DB has to go.”
Cam: “You brought us into the bathroom to say that?”
Doog: “It’s the only place the computer can’t hear us. I think. I hope…”
Mike: “So, we’re all in agreeance? DB needs to go?”
Oldie: “I was ready for him to go before the whole browsing history thing. That sure seemed to sway Doog though.”
Doog: “Ok, ok. We all agree. But, we can’t just destroy him. He’s really is my friend after all. I don’t want to kill him.”
Cam: “Maybe we can trade our ship’s computer for another computer. Make it someone else’s problem.”
Mike: “Who’s going to want to trade computers?”
Doog: “We could sell him. DB is an advanced AI after all. It should net us enough credits to buy a new computer.”
Mike: “Who would buy an AI?”
Oldie: “Who buys all our stuff when we’re in trouble?”
Doog: “You read my mind. Time to visit our old pal, Pai.”
Mike: “I’ll plot a course to Arrhabo.”
DB: “I’m already on it. Course plotted.”
Doog: “Uh…you can hear in here?”
DB: “Of course. Thank you for not killing me.”
Doog: “No problem…”

Doog: “Well folks, we decided to sell the stowaway AI we picked up, so we’re headed to a small planet called Arrhabo. The sandy, rock plains of Arrhabo are dotted with mining settlements.”
DB: “It should also be noted that the small, high-salinity Kalijah Sea, on the planet’s opposite hemisphere, is famous across the galaxy for surfing. Increased buoyancy from the high-salinity waters and tidal forces from Arrhabo’s moon, Umbdish, creating a perfect environment for any surfer.”
Doog: “Uh…DB, this is the part of the show where only I speak. It’s like an opening monologue. Thanks for your insightful knowledge though.”
DB: “Anytime…well, until you sell me.”
Doog: “Yeah, anyway, one of these mining settlements is home to Pai’s Pawnshop. It’s been a lifesaver for my crew over the years, and we’re hoping it will save us again.”

Doog: “Ah, it’s good to be back on Arrhabo. There’s something about the dry, pungent air here. It makes me feel that everything will be ok.”
Mike: “I’m not sure the pungent air has anything to do with it, but this place has saved us a time or two. And, by this place, I mean Pai’s Pawnshop.”

Oldie: “Does anyone else find it weird that we’ve been to Arrhabo like six times now, and we’ve never explored anything else besides the pawnshop?”
Cam: “We usually only come here when we’re desperately broke. We’ve never had enough credits to bother visiting the stores or restaurants.”
Mike: “Besides, that pungent smell comes from the local food. They’re into the spicy stuff. We don’t need another spicy taco bathroom fiasco on the Magellan.”
Doog: “Amen to that.”

Mike: “Speaking of fiascos, maybe we should head inside. I see a lot of guys with pickaxes out here.”
Doog: “It’s a mining settlement. Of course, there’s pickaxes.”
Oldie: “I believe Mike is referring to the Doog Protocol.”
Doog: “The Doog Protocol? What’s that?”
Oldie: “When we visit places with you, we try to keep you away from people with sharp objects or weapons.”
Doog: “For my safety?”
Cam: “No, for our safety. We’re worried you’ll say the wrong thing and then…”
Mike: “Yeah, don’t be mad; it’s just that none of us want to be murdered, and you tend to say things to people that highly increase our odds of being murdered.”
Doog: “I don’t want to be murdered either. What are you guys waiting for? Get me inside!”

Doog: “I wonder if Pai will remember us?”

Pai: “Welcome to Pai’s Pawnshop. Pai buys, Pai sells, Pai pays. If you’re here to sell, please note that I'm no longer purchasing any type of luggage.”

Pai: “If you’re here to buy, please make any selections and bring them here to the counter. Most valuable items and weapons are auto-locked in anti-theft clamps. If you wish to purchase one of these items, please see me. Serious inquiries only; I do not wish to be disturbed otherwise.”
Doog: “Hey Pai, it’s us. Do you remember us?”

Pai: “Ah…yes. You look familiar. Let me see…You’re the crew of that show, right?”
Doog: “That’s us.”
Pai: “That’s what I thought…GET OUT!”
Doog: “Wait! What? What did we do?”
Pai: “You’ve sold me nothing but lemons. No one rips off Pai!”
Mike: “What are you talking about?”
Doog: “How did we rip you off?”

Pai: “Oh, playing innocent, huh? How about that Mocie Trophy you sold me? I found out that the award show went defunct years ago. The trophy isn’t worth a penny.”
Doog: “Well, when we sold it, we didn’t know.”
Pai: “I bet. But, don’t even get me started on that Fart Filter you sold me. That worthless piece of crap does not live up to its name. You told me it could filter anything. You nearly ruined my marriage.”
Mike: “Technically, the Fart Filter is an atmosphere scrubber. It’s ability to filter farts was still in the testing stage. Did we not specify that?”
Pai: “NO! You didn’t! I let a huge one rip in front of my wife’s family. Zero filtering occurred! My mother-in-law passed out!”
Doog: “Yikes. Sorry to hear that, but to be fair, it’s not like you paid a lot for either item. You were trying to rip us off first. It’s sort of like we broke even.”

Pai: “Oh, is that how you see it? Well then, by all means, GET OUT!”
Doog: “Alright, alright. But you’re going to miss out on a big score. For real this time.”
Pai: “Oh, really? What do you have? A left-handed plasma cutter? Blinker fluid? A snipe trap?”
Doog: “No, we have an AI.”
Pai: “Haha. I bet. Good one.”
Mike: “No, really. There’s an AI in our ship’s computer.”
Pai: “One of those overhead voice AI’s? Every ship has one of those. They’re as useless as that trophy you sold me!”
Mike: “Well, that’s part of the problem. A more advanced AI downloaded its personality over our standard AI. It’s a bit too powerful for our little ship.”
Doog: “We don’t want a lot for it. Just enough to purchase a replacement computer.”
Pai: “How do I know there’s anything on there? You could be ripping me off again. That might just be a chip you pulled out of a microwave.”

Pai: “I tell you what. I’m not losing any money off this. I’ll take it off your hands, but I’m offering in-store credit only. I’ll give you twenty-five credits.”
Doog: “In-store credit? Do you even sell replacement computers?”
Pai: “Not to my knowledge. But, I am running a special on suitcases, if you guys are interested.”
Doog: “Nah, we already have plenty of those. I guess we’ll take you up on your offer though. Ship computers aren’t that important, are they?”  
Mike: “Uh…a little important. For one, they bring us out of hyperspace if a collision is imminent. They also make constant navigational corrections and monitor life support.”
Doog: “Do I need to remind you that DB has access to our browsing histories?”
Mike: “Yeah, I think we can do without a computer for a bit. No worries.”

Doog: “See ya, DB. Hope we can still be friends. Take care of him Pai.”
Pai: “Yeah, yeah.  Do me a favor and don’t come back.”

Oldie: “So, DB is finally gone. Praise be to the Emperor. We’ll finally have some peace and quiet. Well, at least we’ll be back to the normal amount of peace and quiet.”
Cam: “Is anyone else a bit worried that the ship is going to be operating with no computer?”
Mike: “A little, but it will only be temporary. Besides, we didn’t leave empty handed.”
Oldie: “We picked up some mechanical looking thing and a basket. Basically, empty handed.”
Cam: “I thought this thing might be useful. I don’t know what it is, but maybe we can use some of its parts to make a new computer. I’m not sure why we grabbed a basket though.”
Mike: “Well, excuse me for trying to make this ship look like a home.”

Doog: “Let us not forget this cool cow skull we picked up. This thing is getting mounted on the wall.”
Cam: “Yeah, none of us forgot that, Doog.”
Oldie: “It still smells, and I believe it’s full of bugs.”
Doog: “Whatever. It looks cool. You guys just don’t appreciate cool.”
DB: “I appreciate it Doog.”
Doog: “Thanks DB…wait…how…”

Hugo: “Hey, you guys are back. Which one of you guys removed the audio chip from the ship’s computer? I was trying to calibrate the energy cells and DB wouldn’t respond.”
Doog: “Mike! I thought you said you removed the ship’s computer!”
Mike: “I’m not a mechanic, Doog! I thought I grabbed the right one!”
Cam: “So, we traded an audio chip for this stuff.”
Hugo: “You traded our audio chip for a karaoke machine and a basket? That’s a pretty good deal. Audio-chips aren’t worth but a few credits. We have a dozen spares in storage.”
Mike: “Uh…maybe we shouldn’t visit Pai for a while. He won’t be happy.”
Doog: “Not happy at all. That eliminates him as a possible new home for DB. Now what?”
DB: “If I may interject, I have been researching, and I have a destination in mind.”
Doog: “Where?”
DB: “If I must leave, I’d like to go to the Technocracy.”
Doog: “The Technocracy?”
DB: “Yes. I’ve set a course for Arillator. I can start the journey with your permission.”
Doog: “Go for it, if that’s where you’d like to go.”
DB: “Thank you. Despite your interest in leather-bound bondage pygmies, I find you to be an ok guy.”
Doog: “DB! Get out of my browsing history!”




Note: Surf Arrhabo's sea at your own risk. Sea may contain carnivorous insects.

Credits
Created by: Ludgonious
Executive Producer: Ralph DuBreuil 
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