Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting the planet, Egelidus. Egelidus orbits in the outermost ring of its star’s habitable zone – making it cold, but livable. This snowy planet, being only a few light years from the Marinjae Hyperspace Route, is a regional cargo hub. Goods come here to be distributed to other worlds in Egelidus’ proximity. Let’s head down and check it out.”

Doog: “Well folks, as you can see, my arrival did not go as expected. I’ve been detained.”
Sheriff: “The whole ‘talking to yourself’ business is not convincing me of your sanity.”
Doog: “I’m NOT talking to myself! I really am a TV reporter.”
Sheriff: “Speaking into some mechanical tube that vaguely resembles a microphone does not make you a reporter.”
Doog: “What about my Hover Cam?”
Sheriff: “Anyone can get a camera drone these days.”
Doog: “Sigh.”
Sheriff: “TV reporter or not, that doesn’t explain your wardrobe. Only stowaways, vagabonds, and psychopaths come to Egelidus dressed like that.”
Doog: “Wait…are you saying you locked me up because of clothes?”
Sheriff: “The lack thereof, actually. A sane person wouldn’t come to an ice planet with no coat, let alone no sleeves.”
Doog: “I didn’t think it would be all that cold. All that edge of the habitable zone nonsense. Besides, I heard there were jungles here. It can’t be too cold if there are jungles, right?”
Sheriff: “The more you talk, the more I’m convinced I’m doing the right thing. Now, let’s turn that drone off.”
 

​
One Hour Later:

Patrik: “Thank you, sheriff. I’m glad we could come to an understanding.”
Sheriff: “I’m still not entirely convinced, but if you’re willing to vouch for him, I guess I can let him go.”
Doog: “You guess? It’s not like I killed someone! I didn’t wear sleeves!”
Sheriff: “Speaking of which, I hope you secured our inmate some more appropriate clothing, Patrik.”
Patrik: “I did.”

Doog: “I mean, it is a little cold.”
Patrik: “It’s below freezing. You wouldn’t have lasted long.”
Doog: “Was jail really necessary, though?”
Patrik: “Being a cargo hub, we see a lot of stowaways. If port security didn’t intervene, the place would be littered with frozen corpses. Even worse, some of these stowaways choose crime to stay warm.”
Doog: “Crime keeps them warm? How is that possible?”
Patrik: “They kill you for your coat.”
Doog: “Oh.”

Doog: “You’re Patrik, right?”
Patrik: “Yes. Sorry, I never officially introduced myself.”
Doog: “It was kind of hard with all the jailing and lawyering we went through. So, what do you do on Egelidus?”
Patrik: “I’m a scientist.”
Doog: “I see. How exactly does that fit into the cargo industry?”
Patrik: “It doesn’t. Unlike the other residents here, I’m not tied to the cargo port. I only come here a few times a month to resupply.”
Doog: “I didn’t know Egelidus was anything more than a cargo hub.”
Patrik: “I mean, like 99.9% of Egelidus revolves around trade – from the docks to the distributors to the small businesses that support it. In fact, I might be the only resident on the whole planet that even leaves the city.”
Doog: “We’re leaving the city?”
Patrik: “Yep, ignore the warnings. We’re heading out.”

Doog: “I’m really loving this coat now.”
Patrik: “The wind makes it colder.”
Doog: “So, where exactly are we headed? Everything looks the same.”
Patrik: “The jungles.”
Doog: “What! The jungles are real? When I told the sheriff that, he thought I was even crazier!”
Patrik: “The sheriff and the other workers never leave the city. To them, the jungles are just a myth.”

Patrik: “But a myth, they are not.”
Doog: “That’s one weird looking jungle. For one, it’s not green.”
Patrik: “The plants of Egelidus are high in anthocyanins, making their flowers and foliage shades of red and purple.”
Doog: “Is that what stops them from freezing?”
Patrik: “No, anthocyanin is just a pigment. Their cold-resistant biology is much more complex. It’s done with thermogenic enzymes, like alternative oxidase and ubiquinol.”

Doog: “Those names mean nothing to me. Explain it me like I’m a traumatic brain injury survivor.”
Patrik: “The plants create heat in the mitochondria without using proton gradients…”
Doog: “A more severe injury than that.”
Patrik: “The plants of Egelidus don’t worry about the cold because they make heat. Heat keeps them from freezing. Heat keeps their leaves clear of snow, allowing photosynthesis. Heat even allows their roots and seeds to penetrate the hard ground.”
Doog: “Interesting.”

Patrik: “They actually radiate enough heat to raise the temperature within their vicinity.”
Doog: “So, I could have gone sleeveless!”
Patrik: “Not that much heat.”
Doog: “Darn.”
Patrik: “If you were stranded or underequipped, though, this would be the place to hunker down. Those few degrees would buy you some extra time.”

Doog: “Whoa! Is that an animal?”
Patrik: “It is.”

Patrik: “I’ve been calling them Salf, but it hasn’t been approved by the LIU Bureau of Naming.”
Doog: “Salf?”
Patrik: “Yes – a humorous acronym I developed – Six-Armed-Lazy-Fellows.”
Doog: “We apparently have different senses of humor. So, can you tell me anything about the Salf, besides their six arms and unfunny name?”

Patrik: “Salf are herbivores. They can eat any of the species of plants on Egelidus, and they eat them a lot. Staying warm must take a lot of metabolic energy. Salf never stray far from the jungles, probably because they constantly need to eat. But it is possible they need the plants' warmth as well. They have no natural predators, so they show no signs of fear when approached.”
Doog: “What’s the lazy part of Salf?”
Patrik: “They hardly move when they’re not eating.”
Doog: “Ah, makes sense. Are Salf or any of these plants valuable to the LIU?”

Patrik: “That’s what I study here.”
Doog: “You live out here?”
Patrik: “Yes, in a jungle clearing.”
Doog: “Must be pretty lonely.”
Patrik: “I have the wildlife to keep me company. Let’s head inside.”

Doog: “I honestly thought it would be bigger – that’s what she said.”
Patrik: “Huh?”
Doog: “I thought your house/lab would be bigger. There’s not a lot of room for science.”
Patrik: “There’s plenty of space for the preliminary work I’m doing. I’m mostly collecting and analyzing genetic and chemical samples. I have started experimenting with growing local plant species, if you check out the top of my cabinets.”
Doog: “Find anything valuable yet?”
Patrik: “I’ve only been here for two years. I haven’t had enough time to make any major breakthroughs. Most of my time has been spent understanding the thermogenic properties of the plant life. Once I figure it out, it might be useful for terraforming or growing food in colder environments.”
Doog: “That’s a no, I guess. Nothing valuable yet.”
Patrik: “I wouldn’t say…”

​Doog: “Well folks, that’s Egelidus. This – colder than I thought – planet is a local cargo port, but it potentially has more to offer. There are plants here that make heat, allowing them to grow in these frigid conditions. There’s even some animal life here, although it is poorly named. Oh well, see ya!”
 
 
 
Note:
 
To: The LIU Bureau of Naming
From: Terrance McDoogal
Reference: Salf? Seriously?
 
We have to do something about the name of that creature on Egelidus. What the heck is a Salf? Sure, it’s an acronym, but lazy-fellow? Really? Surely, we can name it something better. Here’s a few suggestions: Sadoog (Six -Armed / lazy guy named Doog), Doog (just a cool name), Fatso (eats a lot), or Doog Handsomethera (I’m handsome). I’ll keep thinking of more. Let me know if you like any so far!
 
Thanks,
 
Terrance “Doog” McDoogal

Doog: “Welcome to Season 16 of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting the planet, Fistula. Fistula and its star system sit just outside of a stellar remnant called the Durina Nebula. Fistula’s single, large continent is almost entirely desert, but there are a few less arid islands surrounding it. The dryness of the continent is mostly caused by the high mountain chain surrounding it. A race of beings, called the Umbachi, manage to live in the small coastal areas – between the sea and the mountains. Let’s head down and check them out.”

Doog: “Alright folks, I’ve been dropped off in a small, coastal village. There are simple buildings, structures, and docks, but there are also signs of the LIU’s influence – like this landing pad and the large pipe just behind me. I wonder what that’s all about.”

Senryu: “Are you that TV guy, Doog?”
Doog: “I am. Are you here to rob me?”
Senryu: “Rob you? No! I’m Senryu, your guide.”
Doog: “What’s up with the gun then?”
Senryu: “The LIU hired a few of us villagers to run the space port and escort their workers. They gave us these guns to protect their equipment and the port.”
Doog: “I see. So, the LIU only hired a few of you?”

Senryu: “Yes. Most villagers carry on with the old ways. They didn’t want our help with their pipeline project.”
Doog: “What are these old ways?”
Senryu: “Fishing…the only thing there is to do on Fistula.”
Doog: “I forgot that most of this planet is lifeless desert.”
Senryu: “Yes. The sea provides all.”
Doog: “What about water?”

Senryu: “The sea also provides water. Ocean currents blow warm air towards the coasts, but it can’t make it over the mountains. Instead, these warm breezes turn into fog when met with the cold mountain air.”
Doog: “You get your water from fog?”
Senryu: “Yes. The fog condenses on special glass collectors.”
Doog: “That’s smart.”
Oryol: “We gets the good ol clean water rights here.”
Doog: “That guy…not so much.”

Doog: “I guess the only other thing we need to figure out is the pipeline.”
Senryu: “There’s not much mystery to it. It collects water from the ocean and pumps into the continent’s interior.”
Doog: “Yeah, but what for? Is the LIU making the desert farmable or inhabitable?”
Senryu: “Well, that’s salt water. I’m no expert, but I don’t think that would help with farming or living. To be honest, I’ve been to the site several times, and I still don’t know what they’re doing.”
Doog: “You’ve been to the site?”
Senryu: “Yeah, like I said, one of my jobs is to escort workers from the port to the site. Want me to take you?”
Doog: “Sure. This show can’t just be about fog, deserts, and fishing.”

Senryu: “Onryo, we’re making a tunnel run. You’re with us.”
Onryo: “Got it.”
Senryu: “Sigh, you’re coming too, Oryol. Bring some water for our journey.”
Oryol: “Ooh yeah! Isa goin to make you reals proud, boss.”
Doog: “Do we really want to bring this guy?”
Senryu: “No, but we need a grunt. It’s a bit of a trek.”
Doog: “Wait…what? How far are we talking?”
Senryu: “Several miles. It’s a tunnel through a mountain.”
Doog: “What! Is it too late to cancel? I’m sure we can find out more about that fog water business.”

Doog: “You warned me about the distance, but told me nothing about the boredom. It’s just miles and miles of pipe and pumping stations.”
Senryu: “What can I say? It’s a tunnel that get workers from point A to point B. It also allows the pipeline to be serviced if needed. Also, I hate to break it to you, but we haven’t even gone a mile yet.”
Doog: “Ugh!”
Senryu: “Besides, the tunnels are not that boring.”
Doog: “What do you mean?”
Senryu: “There are creatures here.”
Doog: “In the tunnel?”
Senryu: “Yep. Big, blobby mollusks we call Ugnos. They usually live in moist caves along the coast, but they took a liking to these tunnels. Probably because of the condensation on the pipeline.”

Senryu: “Ask and you shall receive.”
Doog: “I get the name now – ugly and no thanks. Ugnos.”
Senryu: “No thanks, indeed. They can deliver a nasty bite. Luckily, they’re not much of a problem with our LIU rifles. Onryo, prepare to fire.”
BOOM! BOOM!
Doog: “Yikes! Let a guy hold his ears before you fire inside a little tunnel!”

Oryol: “You got em, bosses! We be drinking good tonight!”
Doog: “Drinking good? Is this guy that dumb or are you guys really going to drink these disgusting things?”
Senryu: “Their blood and stomachs hold a good bit of water. It’s a nice supplement to the fog water.”
Doog: “Gross.”
Senryu: “It was once an occasional delicacy, as the Ugnos were hard to access in their caves. Now, we capture a few a week in the tunnel.”
Doog: “How are they even getting in here?”
Senryu: “Their blobby bodies can squeeze through the smallest cracks.”
Doog: “Barf.”

Doog: “I’ve never been so glad to get out of a tunnel!”
Senryu: “I’m sure Onryo agrees. He’s never had to give a ‘piggyback’ – as you called it – to an escort before.”
Doog: “Yeah, thanks for that. That last mile was going to kill me. So, what are we looking at here?”

Senryu: “I’m not sure. This is where my usefulness ends. Good luck, Doog.”
Doog: “You’re leaving me here? How will I get back?!”
Senryu: “The tunnel is cleared of Ugnos for now. You’ll be ok walking back alone. Besides, hydration awaits us. Oryol will be arriving back at our village with our spoils anytime now. We don’t want to miss it.”
Doog: “I don’t care about those blobs! I need a someone to piggyback me!”
Senryu: “Sigh.”

Gladys: “You must be that Doog, fella.”
Doog: “I am.”
Gladys: “I’m forelady Gladys. Happy you survived the trip.”
Doog: “Yeah…thanks. So, what’s happening here?”
Gladys: “What does it look like?”
Doog: “You’re making pink, cotton-candy ice-cream from the piped in seawater?”
Gladys: “What?! No!”

Gladys: “These are evaporation ponds.”
Doog: “Evaporation ponds?”
Gladys: “Yeah. We pump seawater into these little pools and wait for the water to evaporate. All that’s left is the minerals. Salt mostly.”
Doog: “Why are they various shades of pink?”
Gladys: “Halophiles.”
Doog: “Hey! My breath should be good now!”
Gladys: “Not halitosis, halophiles – bacteria that eats salt.”
Doog: “Oh.”
Gladys: “As the water evaporates, the halophiles get more and more condensed.”
Doog: “So the darker pools are closer to being fully evaporated.”
Gladys: “Exactly.”

Gladys: “When the pools are black, they’re ready to be harvested.”
Doog: “That does not look like salt.”
Gladys: “It’s 97% salt with a few trace minerals, mostly from the dead halophiles.”
Doog: “Like what?”
Gladys: “Calcium, zinc, and carbon.”
Doog: “That’s good? Safe?”
Gladys: “Of course. It’s a healthier salt. It builds bones and cures illnesses.”
Doog: “Really?”
Gladys: “That’s what the promotion department says. I’m not a chemistry or nutrition expert.”

Gladys: “The evaporation ponds from this pipeline stretch dozens of square miles, but there are hoppers like this spread throughout. Workers drop black salt into these hoppers, and it is transported to the processing center.”
Doog: “Like this?”
Gladys: “Yes.”

Doog: “Did you call it ‘black salt’?”
Gladys: “I did. What else would you call it?”
Doog: “I guess that’s better than ‘dead bacteria salt’.”
Gladys: “Shall we head inside?”
Doog: “We shall.”

Gladys: “The hoppers drop the black salt into an underground conveyer, which brings it here. The salt is then processed.”
Doog: “Processed how?”
Gladys: “Ground, screened, mixed, ground some more, screened some more, and so on.”
Doog: “Sounds simple enough. Anything else?”
Gladys: “After processing, it’s barreled up. The locals transport it back to the port so it can be shipped off-world.”
Doog: “Got it.”

Doog: “Well folks, that’s Fistula. The locals survive by fishing and collecting water from the fog. They also drink the juices of weird blobs called Ugnos. The LIU has brought industry here, but the locals play a minimal role in it. This industry involves pumping seawater into evaporation ponds in Fistula’s desert interior. When all the water is removed, the only thing left is a blackened salt. The blackness has something to do with the billions of dead halophiles in the salt. Supposedly, ‘black salt’ is healthier than normal salt. Oh well, see ya!”
 
 
Note: Fistula Black Salt is mostly imported by Foetida Foods, so they can label their processed meals as healthy.

Doog: “Welcome to the season finale of Season 15 of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re wrapping up the season on the planet, Ibis Luces. Ibis Luces is a rogue planet. It doesn’t orbit a star, but, instead, orbits the galactic center. Usually, rogue planets are dark, inhospitable places, but Ibis Luces is different. It actually has light. As you can see, it even has enough light to sustain plant growth. How is this possible? Ibis Luces is orbited by dozens of artificial suns. These suns are called the Sacred Light Array.”

Doog: “The Sacred Light Array, or SLA, consists of one-hundred and twenty-eight fusion powered space stations in a 16X8 grid. The SLA fire high-energy rays towards Ibis Luces, giving it light, heat, and energy. Let’s head down and find out some more.”

Doog: “Alright folks, I’ve been dropped off on the surface of Ibis Luces. You can’t even tell that this is a rogue planet. It looks like a normal day on a normal planet. Well, mostly normal – there are one-hundred and twenty-eight mini-suns in the sky. It’s sort of hard to not look at them. I’m probably going to blind before this episode is over. Anyways, you’ll also note that there is a lot of foliage here. This type of life would be impossible here without the array.”

Aimi: “Good morning, Doog! I’m Aimi.”
Doog: “Hey. Nice to meet you. So, you mentioned morning. How can you tell?”
Aimi: “The position of the array. It’s just above the horizon.”
Doog: “Oh.”
Aimi: “Don’t stare at it silly! Their combined strength is close to an actual star.”
Doog: “Right. I knew that. It’s just so unusual that I want to see it.”
Aimi: “Just think of it as a normal sun, just longer.”
Doog: “Got it. So, what do you do here, Aimi?”

Aimi: “We all do a little bit of everything on Ibis Luces. This week, I’m in charge of maintaining Ibis Luces’ sensors and sensor communications. Snore!”
Doog: “I’m guessing this giant thing has something to do with the communications.”
Aimi: “Yeah. This is how we communicate with the array.”
Doog: “You interact with the array?”
Aimi: “Sure! The SLA is still experimental. We’re fine tuning it – trying to find the best settings.”
Doog: “Seems like it is working fine. There are plants all over.”
Aimi: “Yeah, but they’re mostly weeds that don’t need much sun. We want to find the right spectrums of light to grow things like crops.”
Doog: “I see.”

Aimi: “Don’t get me wrong, any plant we get to grow here is a scientific miracle. This is a rogue planet, after all.”
Doog: “These must be the sensors.”
Aimi: “Yes. We take readings all over the surface. The data we get is processed at base camp and then sent to the array. The array can then adjust. Perhaps there is too much or too little sunlight. Maybe, the spectrum is off, and there’s too much infrared.”
Doog: “Speaking of which, how safe is it down here? Anyone ever get sunburned to death?”
Aimi: “No, we’re pretty careful. Major adjustments to the array are only done when all staff is indoors.”

Aimi: “Home sweet home.”
Doog: “You live here?”
Aimi: “Yep. This is basecamp. All SLA staff live here. It’s also where we work – well, when we’re not off messing with the sensors and comms.”
Doog: “What other types of work do people do here?”
Aimi: “Mostly science stuff, like processing sensor data, reading array codes, and other technical stuff.”

Aimi: “We also do a lot of scientific experiments.”
Doog: “This is an experiment?”
Aimi: “Sure. We’re testing how various crops thrive under the artificial suns.”
Doog: “Looks like they’re doing good to me.”
Aimi: “Yeah, they’re not doing too bad, are they? Well, we’ve dawdled in the fake suns for long enough. Let’s head inside.”

Aimi: “This is some of the science stuff I was telling you about earlier. There are heat maps, atmosphere projections, ozone monitors. There’s even some data on the weather effects of the array. If you’re not into that type of stuff, it’s probably pretty boring.”
Doog: “It’s not really my thing.”
Aimi: “Let’s continue, then.”

Aimi: “Sacred Light Arrays could potentially change the galaxy. Food could be grown on any planet. Planets far from their star or planets without stars could support life. Ice worlds could be terraformed and so on. However, the arrays aren’t cheap. We needed funding to get this array built, and we’ll need even more funding to build more arrays.”
Doog: “What are you saying? What source of funding?”
Aimi: “Sigh. The military.”
Doog: “The military?”
Aimi: “Yes. Project SLAYR.”
Doog: “Slayer? That sounds ominous. What’s the acronym?”
Aimi: “Sacred Light Array – Yield Reduction.”
Doog: “That’s not as scary as I thought…or is it? What’s a yield production?”
Aimi: “It’s the opposite of everything else we’re trying to do here. Instead of improving food production, SLAYR, uses the array to irradicate crops.”

Doog: “That sounds bad.”
Aimi: “It’s worse than you think. If the military could deploy an array around an enemy planet, they could do a lot of damage. Obviously, you could increase heat and light to destroy crops and starve your enemy, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. You could flood planets by melting their icecaps. You could cause massive droughts or powerful storms. You could disturb circadian rhythms with unending days.”
Doog: “Yikes. You could do extreme good or extreme bad with this array.”
Aimi: “Indeed.”
Doog: “Luckily, you’re not testing that stuff on Ibis Luces. We’re totally safe, right?”
Aimi: “Well, I wouldn’t say that. We are safe in this sector, but SLAYR is definitely being tested in other sections of this planet.”
Doog: “What!”
Aimi: “In small sections of the planet, the array is ramped up. See that red mark on the map? That’s one such section.”

Aimi: “The array has essentially sanitized this part of the planet. All plant life has been irradicated.”
Doog: “So, it works as a weapon. This isn’t just theory.”
Aimi: “It’s real.”
Doog: “So, the LIU could starve or flood planets anytime they wish?”
Aimi: “Well, the array isn’t exactly mobile. It would take a lot of time and money to move it. Part of the militaries funding goes towards making the array more maneuverable, but for now, the LIU’s enemies are safe.”
Doog: “Scary stuff. Anything else to add?”
Aimi: “I think that’s it.”

Doog: “Well folks, that’s Ibis Luces. This planet is home to an array of artificial suns. The Sacred Light Array, as it’s called, could be used to make the galaxy more livable, but it could also be used to kill off entire planets. I’m hoping it’s the first one. Oh well, that’s Season 15! See ya!”
 
 
 
Note: The LIU has another project based around the array called SLA-VRY. In this project, the array would be used to subjugate a population. Essentially, workers relocated to a rogue planet would be forced to work for sunlight. Failure to meet quotas or rebellion would be punished with the SLA being turned off.

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting the gas giant, Frendo. Frendo is a bit of an oddity, as it has more helium than it does hydrogen. This was probably caused by hydrogen evaporation, which is a byproduct of orbiting close to its star. Whatever the cause, this makes Frendo a great source of helium. Let’s head down and find out more.”

Doog: “Frendo doesn’t have any oxygen-rich, habitable layers. So, you won’t find people driving hover-boats, nor will there be open-air floating cities. The only survivable area within Frendo is Station N-A-2-H-E. I’m not sure if that spells something or if you are supposed to say every letter. From this point forward, I’m just going to call it, ‘the snowflake’, because it sort of looks like one.”

Doog: “The station’s new name immediately loses all validation as the Magellan approaches and the station’s profile changes. I can’t see a snowflake anymore. Screw it. N-A-2-H-E, it is.”

Barthold: “Welcome, Doog. I am Barthold Wehner, Chief Industrial Officer on Station N-A-2-H-E.”
Doog: “Well, that answers one thing, you do say the letters. Got it. One more thing, did you just say your name was butt-hole-wiener?  How much did your parents hate you?”
Barthold: “NO! Barthold Wehner! Barthold is my first name. Wehner, not wiener.”
Doog: “Maybe it’s your accent, but all I hear is…”
Barthold: “Just call me, Bart!”
Doog: “Will do. Well, we fixed your naming issue, now let’s move onto the station’s name. Why is it called N-A-2-H-E.”
Barthold: “It’s the chemical formula of Disodium Helide, our chief export.”
Doog: “That makes some sense. N-A-2-H-E is a mouthful, but it’s better than that other thing you said. What was that again?”
Barthold: “Disodium Helide.”
Doog: “Tell me more about that.”

Barthold: “Disodium Helide consists of the elements Sodium and Helium. So, to manufacture it, we need these elements.”
Doog: “The helium part should be easy.”
Barthold: “More or less. Frendo is obviously abundant in Helium, but it’s nearly impossible to pull only helium from the atmosphere. Any helium we grab from the atmosphere is tainted with the other elements present in the atmosphere, like hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen, and methane.”

Barthold: “In labs, like this, we remove all contaminants.”
Doog: “How?”
Barthold: “Helium has an extremely low boiling point. We drop the temperature low enough that all remaining gases precipitate out.”
Doog: “Precipitate? You mean, like, rain?”
Barthold: “Yes. It gets so cold that all the other gases turn to liquid and drain away.”
Doog: “Seems simple enough.”
Barthold: “If achieving -255° Celsius is seen as easy.”

Barthold: “The sodium portion of production is a bit more difficult.”
Doog: “How? Isn’t sodium just salt?”
Barthold: “Salt is sodium and chlorine. Importing table salt would create even more work. We prefer to import sodium itself.”
Doog: “Import?”
Barthold: “There’s no accessible sodium on Frendo. We have to import it.”
Doog: “What’s all this then? And, why is it more difficult?”
Barthold: “Pure sodium is pretty reactive. It’s shipped in oxygen-free, anhydrous mineral oil to avoid reactions. These machines remove the oil and restore the pure sodium.”
Doog: “Once everything’s pure – sodium and helium – what happens?”
Barthold: “The pure helium and sodium are precisely combined. Two sodium atoms for every helium atom.”

Doog: “And that makes Disodium Helide?”
Barthold: “No. N-A-2-H-E can only be formed under extreme pressures. Helium is very inert. It doesn’t form compounds under normal conditions.”
Doog: “Helium doesn’t work well with others. Sounds like me. I finally have a tattoo idea.”
Barthold: “A helium atom?”
Doog: “No, a tattoo that says, ‘doesn’t work well with others.’”
Barthold: “Oh.”
Doog: “So, how is it made then?”
Barthold: “The containers of ratioed helium and sodium are loaded onto a Bobber.”
Doog: “Bobber?”
Barthold: “Yeah, that’s what we call them.”

Barthold: “The Bobber is then fired deep into Frendo. The extreme pressures, deep in the gas giant, force the elements to combine into Disodium Helide.”

Barthold: “Repulsion cranes pull the Bobber back into the facility. Workers then quickly collect the cannisters. Disodium Helide is not stable for long after it’s removed from pressure.”
Doog: “All I can think about right now is the giant hole in the floor that I’m standing way too close to.”
Barthold: “That’s the least of your worries. If the containers fall below 100 gigapascals, the Disodium Helide violently decompresses back into sodium and helium.”
Doog: “That’s…bad?”
Barthold: “Violently decompresses…yes, bad.”

Barthold: “The containers are built to stay pressurized for about twenty minutes. They must be moved to more secure containers quickly. We have a large crew of workers that unload the dangerous compound with EM Shield Handlers.”
Doog: “What if something happens and they can’t unload and secure the N-A-2-H-E?”
Barthold: “The Bobber can be relaunched and the timer restarts.”
Doog: “What about the removed containers?”
Barthold: “Once removed, the workers must deliver the compound. It should not be difficult with the Handlers. It’s less than a minute from the Bobber to the armory.”
Doog: “Armory?”
Barthold: “We won’t be touring there. We can’t get in the way of the time-sensitive workers and the storage is confidential.”

Doog: “So, these are the more permanent containers for the Disodium Helide?”
Barthold: “Yes. The casing’s machinery can keep the compound stable indefinitely…well, as long as there is a power source.”
Doog: “Judging by the armory comment earlier, are these bombs?”
Barthold: “Yes…very destructive ones at that. N-A-2-H-E, as I previously mentioned, violently decompresses. There’s no chemical reaction required; only depressurization.”
Doog: “Huh?”
Barthold: “When the weapon is dropped, the pressure stabilization can be turned off whenever you choose. The Disodium Helide decompresses about .0005 seconds after.”
Doog: “Essentially, you can control when these bombs explode.”
Barthold: “Yes, it will explode at whatever height, depth, or time you choose. It’s a very customizable munition.”
Doog: “I…think that’s all I need. Thanks for everything.”

Doog: “Well folks, that’s Frendo. This place makes bombs from the exotic material, Disodium Helide. This chemically volatile substance is made by launching pure sodium and helium into the extreme crushing depths of the gas giant. I wish I knew what was happening on this planet before I called my guide a butt-hole-wiener. I’m a little scared now. He’s probably not my ‘Frendo’. See what I did there? Oh well, see ya!”
 
 
Note: Disodium Helide bombs explode at roughly the same pressure they are created, 113 gigapascals. This is enough to level several city blocks, especially if depressurized as an air burst. Unlike similar munitions of its power, Disodium Helide bombs leave no radiation; only sodium and helium. 

Doog: “Welcome to another special edition episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting the planet, Lavit. Like with most special edition episodes, we’ll be focusing on Lavit’s unique culture instead of its economy.”

Doog: “First things first, let’s quickly summarize Lavit’s industry. It mostly involves industrial husbandry. Apparently, that means farming animals for industrial purposes, and not making robotic spouses. You learn something new every day. Lavit has immense grasslands where creatures called Rhiess are grown and raised. Why are they raised? You’ll never guess, so let me tell you – because they have a lot of fat. Yes, fat.”

Doog: “Fats from the Rhiess are mixed with locally-produced sodium hydroxide to make Lavit’s biggest export…soap. Yeah, Lavit is a boring soap world. I hope their culture is cooler than their economy.”

Doog: “Alright folks, the crew and I have been dropped off in the city of Nabulsi. Nabulsi is the ‘soap hub’ of Lavit. It’s where the Rhiess are processed and the soap is manufactured. It’s also where the planet’s culture is located. So, what is this soap culture?”

Mike: “I’m guessing it’s something pun-related, like Lavit is home to the galaxy’s best soap opera.”
Amaya: “Not even close.”
Oldie: “I’m thinking soap stuff too, but I’m hoping Lavit is the home of Maddie and the Soap Buckets!”
Amaya: “Keep dreaming.”
Seitse: “I’m hoping it’s a soap fight, and all these stinky guys get clean for once.”
Amaya: “That’s more realistic – and favorable, but no.”

Doog: “What is it then?”
Amaya: “Soap is insanely cheap on Lavit, and we need it badly. I’m talking laundry detergent, dish soap, body wash, etc.”
Doog: “What does that have to do with culture?”
Amaya: “Nothing. That’s where you guys come in. Some of us will be shopping, and some of us will be looking for cultural stuff to film.”
Doog: “We stopped here for soap deals?!”
Amaya: “Maybe. Kinda. Mostly. But, I’m sure we’ll find something here. There could be brothels.”
Doog: “I call culture team!”

Doog: “Where does one find the ladies of the night…during the day? I might have to split off down an alley.”
Mike: “I want the culture team too!”
Amaya: “Actually, I have another plan for the rest of us. Remember that drill we discussed a few months back?”
Cam: “Operation Wardrobe Drop?”
Amaya: “No, Operation Toothskin.”
Oldie: “Toothskin? Is it finally happening?”
Amaya: “It is. ASSUME THE FORMATION!”

Doog: “Whoa! What’s happening?!”
Mike: “Don’t fight it, Doog!”
Doog: “Fight what?! Why is everyone grabbing me?!”
Cam: “Sorry bud, but we couldn’t take it anymore!”
Amaya: “You are going to the DENTIST!”
Doog: “HEY! That’s not culture!”
 
​
 
Dentist:

Doog: “The only reason I’m not fighting this is the drugs! Inject me with all the painkillers!”
Pulp: “Let’s not rush into anything, I’m Dr. Pulp. Let’s take a look in your mouth. Open wide.”

Pulp: “GAG! GAG! Holy Emperor! What is that smell?! I might need some drugs too!”

Pulp: “Let’s, um, start with some long-distance therapy where the air is purer…I mean, uh, safer. Yeah, safer. We can, um, gag, start with some x-rays. Computer, set x-ray to maximum.”
Computer: “That may cause injury to the patient.”
Pulp: “Yes, but it might injure the bacteria too!”
 
​
Shopping Crew:

Seitse: “Doog lucked out.”
Oldie: “How does a forced visit to the dentist equal luck?”
Seitse: “Operation Toothskin took effect at the first dentist we found. It could have been on a much more primitive world.”
Oldie: “True.”
Amaya: “Enough about Doog. Keep a look out for the cleaning supplies.”

Oldie: “Does it have to be cleaning supplies? They have pony soup!”
Amaya: “For the last time, we’re not getting food. We’re trying to save money by shopping near the source. When we’re near Horreum, we’ll restock on your soups.”
Oldie: “Buzzkill!”

Amaya: “I’m not a buzzkill. Lavit is a little off the beaten-path. Everything but the soap stuff is marked up. Heck, even water is three credits a bottle.”
Oldie: “Pony soup is only two credits more.”
Amaya: “That’s four more than anyone with tastebuds would pay.”
Oldie: “That cuts deep.”
 

Culture Crew:

Mike: “Doog was wrong about the alleys.”
Cam: “I figured. He’s almost never right. Besides, we don’t even know if there are brothels on Lavit.”
Mike: “I guess.”
Cam: “There’s more to culture than brothels.”
Mike: “There is?”
Cam: “Yeah, like food. Do you smell that?”
Mike: “I do.”

Mike: “Ovi’s serves Rhiess. I thought they were only good for soap.”
Cam: “Apparently, their extra-fatty bodies are good for something else. Best sausages I’ve had in a while.”
Mike: “They’re pretty greasy.”
Cam: “That’s the liquidated fat seeping out.”

Cam: “Delectable morsels of fat drippings are filling my soul.”
Mike: “And our arteries.”
 

​
Dentist:

Pulp: “Dang it! We need more power! Convert all available energy to the dental scaler!
Doog: “Convert more painkillers to my mouth while you’re at it! I feel everything!”
 


Shopping Crew:

Amaya: “We finally found it.”
Oldie: “We did! They have Hamster Puffs! How many should I get?”
Seitse: “I don’t think that’s what Amaya meant.”
Amaya: “It’s not. I’m not telling you again, Oldie, we’re not here for food.”

Seitse: “Is he having a tantrum or do we need a hospital?”
Oldie: “It’s made with real hamster lard! I want some! Give me some!”
Amaya: “A tantrum, but he’s going to need a hospital if he keeps embarrassing us.”
Oldie: “Please! Please! I’ll do anything for Hamster Puffs! I’ll be good!”
Seitse: “Just ignore him. Grab the powder.”

Oldie: “You can walk away, but I’m not leaving unless we get some Puffs or Pony Soup!”
Amaya: “See you on the ship, Bernard.”
 


Culture Crew:

Mike: “We’ve walked blocks and blocks, but there’s no sign of any culture other than food. There are no museums, art shows, sports, or concerts. It’s like this culture is only obsessed with food. If only we could figure out why?”
Cam: “Who knows, but I’m not complaining. Bring on the Rhiess sandwiches!”

Cam: “This sandwich is essentially solidified blubber.”
Mike: “I know. It’s making me a little queasy.”
Cam: “Really? I’m loving it. It melts into grease after a few chews.”
Mike: “Stop describing it to me. You’re going to make me sick. I can’t handle five Rhiess restaurants in one day.”
Cam: “Amateur.”
 


Dentist:

Pulp: “It’s ok, nurse. It’s over.”
Nurse: “Never…again…”
Doog: “You thwink it was bad for youf?! My mouf is on fire and numb at the same twime.”
Pulp: “It will get worse when the local anesthetics wear off. Sorry, we had to split the ‘actual’ pain meds 50-50.”
Doog: “Whatf?!”
Pulp: “I’ll try to prescribe something, but I think you ate through your crews whole dental plan these last few hours.”
Nurse: “Will I ever smell again, Dr. Pulp?”
Pulp: “We can hope, nurse. We can hope.”  
 


Back on the Magellan:

​Amaya: “That worked marvelously. We have washing powder for laundry, cleaning supplies, liquid dish soap, and body wash for only a tenth of this episode’s cost. If things worked out on your end, Cam, we are golden.”
Cam: “Oh, it worked out for me just fine. Lavit has some of the fattiest foods in this galaxy.”
Amaya: “Fatty foods is a culture, I guess. By the way, where’s Mike?”

Mike: “Do not go in there! Phew! Solid-fat sliders, lard tacos, and grease sausages does not pair well with my stomach. How about you, Cam?”
Cam: “I’m experiencing pure bliss, thank you.”

Doog: “I can’f believe you guys did that to meef!”
Oldie: “I can’t believe I didn’t smell you say that!”
Mike: “Hallelujah, it worked!”
Amaya: “Sorry, but it was a necessary evil. Also, we achieved it while fulfilling our contractual special-edition-episode.”
Doog: “Did youf find the broffels?”
Mike: “All we found were greasy sausages and lard tacos.”
Doog: “Is that a yes, or no? I neef to knowf.”
Amaya: “Sigh.”
 

 
Note: Lavit is the galaxy’s second largest producer of industrial tetrahydrocannabinol behind Obex.

​CLICK HERE FOR NEXT EPISODE - Season 15 - Episode 8 - Frendo

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, were visiting Squilla, a temperate planet in the Mid-Rim. From orbit, Squilla’s most notable feature is its sandy, reddish landmasses. Apparently, these red dunes are made up of the discarded exoskeletons of Squilla’s crustaceans. There must be a lot of them down there to turn the whole planet red. Let’s head down and check it out.”

Doog: “Alright folks, I’m on the surface of Squilla. It is, in fact, red and sandy. However, I see no signs of crustaceans or their exoskeletons. I thought this place was going to be littered with lobster claws and crab shells. It’s a bit disappointing.”

Benny: “Chitin is subject to erosion, same as rocks. It doesn’t stay in its original state too long out here.”
Doog: “Huh?”
Benny: “That’s why you don’t see claws, legs, or shells. All the chitin is smashed up into little sand-like particles.”
Doog: “Who’s Chitin?”
Benny: “It isn’t a person. It’s the main building material of crustacean exoskeletons.”
Doog: “Oh.”
Benny: “Yeah, chitin is one of the most abundant polysaccharides in the galaxy. A lot of lifeforms are made of this stuff - crustaceans, insects, fungi, et cetera. I bet you’re asking yourself, why is it red? Well, in this case, it’s because of the carotenoids.”
Doog: “Actually…I’m asking myself, who is this guy and why is he telling me all these science facts?”
Benny: “Ha, I guess I did just jump in. I’m Benjamin Hessel, but everyone calls me Benny. I’m your guide.”
Doog: “Ah, that makes sense. I’m Doog.”

Doog: “Before we jump into more crustacean facts, how about you tell me about this place?”
Benny: “Surely there are better things to discuss than the maintenance port.”
Doog: “Maintenance port?”
Benny: “Yeah, we use a lot of vehicles and mechs on Squilla. This is where they are stored, repaired, and maintained. It’s where we keep the fuel too.”
Doog: “Why do you need all these vehicles?”
Benny: “We cover lots of ground hunting and transporting Squill.”
Doog: “What’s a Squill?”
Benny: “It’s the huge – and delicious – crustacean we cultivate here on Squilla.”
Doog: “You had me at ‘delicious’. Proceed with the crustacean facts.”
Benny: “Yes! Finally! But – we better keep moving while I talk.”

Benny: “All lifeforms on Squilla are crustaceans – from the miniscule Squi to the massive Squill. Some, like the Squi, live in the planet’s shallow oceans, while others, like the Squill, live on land. The crustacean body plan and all their little legs just works well here. I’m not sure if you know about carcinization, but Squilla is a prime example.”
Doog: “I’ve been incarcerated a few times, so I know a bit.”
Benny: “Carcinization, not incarceration. Carcinization is the theory that everything eventually evolves into a crab.”
Doog: “I’ve never evolved into a crab, but I’ve had a few inhabiting my nether regions, if that counts.”
Benny: “I don’t think it does.”
Doog: “So, these giant crab-like things wandering around us are Squill?”
Benny: “These little guys? No.”

Benny: “These are Squib. They eat smaller terrestrial crustaceans, like Squik and Squim. Fun fact, Squik and Squim eat the protein in the chitin sand. They’re easy to find because they leave behind these red crystals of calcified carbons after they eat. Before you ask, the crystals are super abundant and worthless.”
Doog: “That really wasn’t going to be my question, but ok. I really want to know – what’s with the names on this planet? Squick, squack, squeeze, squip, what’s happening here?”
Benny: “Honestly, I’m not sure. I guess they are all variations of the planet’s name.”
Doog: “Obviously. So, why aren’t these ‘squibs or squabs’ valuable? They’re bigger than any crab I’ve seen.”
Benny: “I wouldn’t say Squibs are without value; it’s just that there are even bigger and more valuable crustaceans here…and, they eat Squib. If we harvested these guys, we’d starve the bigger catch.”
Doog: “Geez, how big are these Squill?”

Benny: “They’re big enough to be detected with Roaming Seismic Bots, or RSB’s.”
Doog: “They shake the ground when they move?!”
Benny: “Nothing detectable to you or I. Squill are not the size of skyscrapers or anything like that. The RSB’s are just ultra-sensitive.”
Doog: “Do you sense anything little robot?”
Benny: “There’s more AI in my microwave than there is in an RSB. It can’t answer.”
Doog: “Oh.”
Benny: “These bots meander around the dunes searching for minor seismic variations. When they find something of interest, they signal a team.”
Doog: “I’m guessing the Squill aren’t all that abundant, if you have to use machines like this to find them.”
Benny: “There’s quite a few, but they’re spread over dozens of miles. It’s easier to find them this way. Whoa! Looks like one is close. Let’s go!”

Doog: “Holy smokes. I wasn’t expecting to see a shrimp twice the size of a cow. Squill are pretty big.”
Benny: “They are. On average, they weigh about 2 tons.”
Doog: “Tons?!”
Benny: “Yeah. Their chitin armor is thick and heavy.” 

Benny: “Squill still need water to reproduce. They dig deep holes past the water line, allowing their burrows to fill up with water. Their size and the movements within the burrow trigger the seismic alarms.”
Doog: “Do you let them breed before harvesting them? You know, so there’s another generation to harvest later?”
Benny: “Actually, yes. Nice observation.”
Doog: “Sweet. I want to see four-thousand pounds of mating. It will remind me of my ex.”
Benny: “You’ll be waiting a while, then. This is a male. He’s already mated. I can see the clouds of semen in the pool.”
Doog: “Ew, gross. That’s not what I wanted to see.”
Benny: “Gross, but good. That means we can take this male now, and come back for the female in a few weeks.”

Benny: “Harvesting Squill is dangerous. Obviously, they weigh a lot. You can easily be crushed if you’re not careful. There are hidden dangers too. Squill can make very quick movements and they have very sharp mouth barbs.”
Doog: “The collector guys look like they have military-grade armor.”
Benny: “They do.”
Doog: “What are they attacking it with?”
Benny: “Pulse weapons. They’re firing electromagnetic rays into sensitive areas, like the brain and nerve clusters.”
Doog: “Wouldn’t a shotgun or laser rifle be easier?”
Benny: “In order to keep the meat pristine, the exoskeleton needs to stay intact. The meat can’t be exposed to oxygen. We are forced to use non-projectile weapons.”
Doog: “I see.”
Benny: “Their little brains fry pretty quick. As long as the hunters aim correctly, the hunt doesn’t last long.”
Doog: “I hope they aimed well – I don’t want my brain fried. I don’t have a lot to spare.”
Benny: “Ha, me too. No worries, though. The pulse waves are too far apart by the time they reach us.”

Benny: “When a Squill falls, a race begins. Even with pulse weapons and intact exoskeletons, the corpse begins to deteriorate. Squill are pulled into airlock containers with cables. They are then loaded onto Hover-Transports.”

Benny: “These speedy transports take the Squill to the nearest processing plant as soon as possible. Time is of the essence – Squill meat spoils fast, especially in oxygenated environments.”
Doog: “Does it have an armed escort?”
Benny: “It does. A Squill, minus its exoskeleton, has about eight-hundred pounds of meat. Squill meat typically goes for five-hundred credits per pound. So, this haul is worth about half-a-million credits.”
Doog: “Yikes. That’s some expensive meat.”
Benny: “It is. Because of this, we’ve had trouble with pirates and bandits in the past. While the LIU has eliminated a lot of these threats, we’re still pretty careful.”

Benny: “This shipment, like the thousands before it, made it safely. All that’s left is to lower the carcass into the processing center.”
Doog: “Lower?”
Benny: “Squill is processed in airtight underground facilities.”

Benny: “You’re going to have to borrow some gear, if you want to continue.”
Doog: “Because of my groin rashes?”
Benny: “Ew, no! Because there’s no oxygen in the processing center.”
Doog: “Oh.”

Benny: “Your…um…rashes aren’t contagious, are they?”
Doog: “Not unless you’re planning on raping me.”
Benny: “I most certainly am not. I wasn’t even worried about me. I’m worried about the Squill meat.”
Doog: “Oh, I don’t plan on engaging in necrophilia with the giant shrimp-thingies. They’re safe.”
Benny: “I’m not sure that makes me any less worried.”

Doog: “Why is oxygen bad for processing?”
Benny: “There are a few pathogens on Squilla that can make consumers sick if they are ingested. However, they can’t survive without oxygen. The only chance of contamination occurs during shipment. This is a minor problem, though. Our methods of non-ballistic hunting and prompt delivery has mostly eliminated this threat.”
Doog: “Why the trouble, then?”
Benny: “Oxygen browns the Squill meat. It sells for a lot more if it’s pristine.”
Doog: “Pink is more expensive than brown? That’s the opposite of Camana IV.”
Benny: “I don’t know what that means.”
Doog: “Pink being the…”
Benny: “Uh…let’s move on.”

Benny: “Mechs pull the heavy corpses from their containers. They are then sawed into smaller chunks. Workers then use a variety of tools to remove the attached exoskeleton. The meat is sent one direction, but the excess chitin is sent another.”

Benny: “The chitin, or shell, is grinded up and redistributed amongst the dunes. Squik and Squim feed off the chitin, Squib feed off them, and – eventually – Squill feed off the Squib.”
Doog: “Squid, squix, squiz, squinzy. Got it.”

Benny: “Any portion of Squill meat is great, but some parts are better than others. To keep the meat flavor more homogeneous and consistent, the blocks of Squill meat are processed. The meat blocks are sliced and then mixed in a blender. There’s the best bit of meat in every bite.”
Doog: “That would make a good tagline.”
Benny: “Maybe, but our advert guys already went with something else – ‘It’s not C-Food…It’s A-Food.’”
Doog: “I don’t get it.”
Benny: “It works better in print. Seafood versus ‘C’-Food. Like, it’s a grade of meat. Ours isn’t average…it’s the best.”
Doog: “Ah, I get it. Anything else to add?”
Benny: “No, we covered everything.”

Doog: “Well folks, that Squilla. There are identically named creatures here, like Squib, Squik, Squim, Squi, Squip, and so on. The most important creature here, though, is the giant shrimp-like Squill. They have lots of valuable meat. Every catch is worth, like, four-hundred thousand credits. I would give up my job and become a Squill hunter if it wasn’t so dangerous. Oh well, see ya!”
 
 
Note: Squill meat is graded on its pinkness and sold accordingly. Squill may cause allergic reactions in consumers with shellfish allergies. Take proper precautions.  

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting a rocky, jungle planet called Rima. It’s easy to see what type of economy Rima supports, even from orbit. Massive mounds of tailings cover much of the planet, and pit mines the size of cities pockmark the surface. In case you skipped third grade, this is a mining planet. Don’t worry, they had to tell me too. Let’s head down and check it out.”

Doog: “Most of the surface ore has been extracted from Rima. The last remaining bits sit under Rima’s few remaining jungles. In order to avoid environmental disaster – mostly through oxygen depletion – the native Rimans have stopped surface mining these regions. They’ve refined their mining methods, and now, they only dig down into huge, city-sized pits. The jungles must stay intact. It also means the Magellan must descend.”

Doog: “Alright folks, I’ve been dropped off on a platform thousands of feet below the surface. I can just make out the circular opening above me, which means we’re pretty deep already. I’m too scared to go to the edge and see how much deeper it goes, so that’s going to remain a mystery. Viewers like mysteries, right? I don’t see any mining activity right now, but I can definitely hear something down below.”

Jihoo: “Ah, you must be the reporter. Welcome to Rima. I am Jihoo, supervisor of this pit mine.”
Doog: “Pleasure to meet you. So, what exactly are you mining?”
Jihoo: “Many things. Our largest exports are sodium, magnesium, and bromide, but our most profitable export is Rimanium.”
Doog: “Ree-what?”
Jihoo: “Rimanium, a mineral formed from condensed brine. It’s the remnants of ancient oceans on Rima.”
Doog: “I don’t remember seeing oceans on Rima.”
Jihoo: “They evaporated from the surface eons ago, but their minerals persist. Most were concentrated near the surface – which we exhausted – but we’ve since located huge deposits in the deep pits where the last fragments of ocean were concentrated.”
Doog: “How do jungles survive on an ocean-less planet?”
Jihoo: “Deep roots and pockets of ground water. We must be cautious not to disturb either.”
Doog: “I see.”
Jihoo: “There’s not much more I can explain from this maintenance hatch. I offer you my underling, Luu. She will take you deeper into the mines.”
Doog: “Sounds good, Luu. You jump first.”
Luu: “Jump? No thanks. Let’s wait for the elevators.”

Doog: “When you said we were taking an elevator down…I…uh…envisioned something with more walls. Four to be precise.”
Luu: “These hover-elevators are safer than traditional cable driven elevators. They can adjust to avoid falling debris and stabilize if accidentally struck. The cage above keeps he big stuff out.”
Doog: “I was more worried about falling out. I didn’t even think about falling debris.”
Luu: “Yes. It happens rarely, but with my species lack of a skull and boneless bodies, we take safety seriously. That’s why we wear these biomechanical suits.”
Doog: “I see, but I don’t have a suit, and my bones or skull can’t stop a boulder falling thousands of feet down.”
Luu: “It can’t? Why have them then?”
Doog: “Honestly…I don’t know.”
Luu: “Don’t worry, man-with-useless-bones. The hover-elevators will protect us both.”
Doog: “Good. By the way…my name is Doog.”

​Doog: “So, you said you’re boneless, right?”
Luu: “Yes.”
Doog: “So, are you, like, an insect or an arachnid?”
Luu: “No.”
Doog: “Phew. An octopus?”
Luu: “No.”
Doog: “Do I need to list all the invertebrate species, or are you going to tell us?”
Luu: “If one was going to group my fully sentient and advanced race into a broad clade, I’d say we were closer to the worm family.”
Doog: “You’re a worm?”
Luu: “We’re a distant cousin in the worm family – not worms. It is derogatory to refer to my species as such. Worms are considered lesser species throughout the galaxy. We prefer to be classified as Riman, nothing more.”
Doog: “Hey, no offense intended. I’ve had worms several times. I mean…nothing as advanced as you guys – imagine the pain – but, seriously, worms are cool. I lost fifteen pounds.”
Luu: “We’re Riman, not worms!”
Doog: “Uh, yeah. That’s what I meant.”

Luu: “This pit mine bottoms out at three miles deep.”
Doog: “I feel it in my ears. Yikes!”
Luu: “Air pressure at these depths is 1.74 atmospheres, nearly double galactic standard.”
Doog: “Breathing is a little more difficult too.”
Luu: “Your vulnerable vertebrate body isn’t so special here, but mine is. Oxygen diffuses into my skin just fine at these depths. My vacuum-free hearing sensors feel nothing.”
Doog: “It’s a good to be a worm, at least, down here.”
Luu: “AGAIN, we’re not worms!”
Doog: “Oh, right. 

Luu: “Do the worms in your body build machines like this?!”
Doog: “I hope not.”
Luu: “Riman mining machines are the envy of many mining worlds. Our slim frames prohibit other species from using our advanced machinery, but they wish they could. Nothing beats our Rima Wall Walker. It has the power to claw through osmium, but the precisive control to avoid water pockets. It can climb walls and maneuver around hollows.”
Doog: “My worms definitely can’t do that…thank the Emperor! I want nothing to maneuver MY hollows.”

Luu: “You jest at our appearance and compare us to the brainless parasites that infest your body, but we are much more. Our tech is the envy of the galaxy’s miners. Take our hardsuits, for example. They’re extremely durable and crush-proof, all while maintaining the dexterity to gently remove impurities from Rimanium.”
Doog: “I get it. You guys aren’t stupid worms or parasites. I was only joking around earlier.
You’re clearly smarter than me and have great mechs. You can stop with all the angry bragging.”
Luu: “I…uh…lost my temper. Sorry. You were joking, of course. I should have recognized that.”
Doog: “No need to be sorry. I get on everyone’s nerves…wait…do worms have nerves?”
Luu: “We’re NOT wor…”
Doog: “Ha, got you again.”
Luu: “Um, yes. Ha. Very funny.”

Luu: “Perhaps we should cease the jokes for a bit.”
Doog: “I’m exhausting you, aren’t I. That old worm metabolism can’t keep up.”
Luu: “…”
Doog: “Yeah, I’ll stop. So, what is this Rimanium stuff?”
Luu: “It’s a compound containing lithium, chlorine, and other trace elements. The most important parts being the lithium and chlorine.”
Doog: “That probably means something to people smarter than me.”
Luu: “Basically, after processing, Rimanium becomes Trilithium Dichloride, or Li3Cl2.”
Doog: “That’s even worse. Talk to me like I’m the worm.”
Luu: “Rimanium is a mineral formed from brine evaporation. Seawater goes bye-bye, Rimanium stays behind. You can take good elements from the Rimanium to make special chemical called Trilthium Dichloride – three lithium atoms and two chlorine atoms.”
Doog: “That might work…for now. What’s this stuff used for?”
Luu: “We used it as a source of Lithium, but it has more profitable galactic uses. Trilithium dichloride is an RNA precipitator.”
Doog: “I’m a worm.”
Luu: “Sigh. It purifies or cleans RNA. RNA is essentially how our DNA communicates.”
Doog: “Worm Doog no understand.”
Luu: “You’re not a WORM!”
Doog: “Ok, ok.”
Luu: “Sorry, I don’t know how to explain it better than that. In the trilithium dichloride form, it’s useless to my people. We only used the lithium. Races with more advanced biochemical technology crave the trilithium dichloride stuff, though. It’s valuable galactically.”

Doog: “Is that some type of ventilation system?”
Luu: “Yes. It’s good for bringing oxygen to the depths and removing our mech’s exhaust. More importantly, it serves as humidity control. Lithium reacts violently with water. Rimanium, while more stable, also reacts to water.”
Doog: “Do you think we can take a break? I want to talk into the giant fans and work on my robot voice.”
Luu: “Another joke?”
Doog: “I’m dead serious.”
Luu: “No!”
Doog: “Ok, ok.”

Luu: “We store collected Rimanium in the depths where it’s dryer and safer. Follow me.”
Doog: “Whoa. Slow down. I’m trying to make worm jokes on the fly and it isn’t easy. Dryer plus worms…I got nothing. Is there a fishing joke somewhere? No, not yet. Let’s table that one for now. Yeah, I got nothing. Let’s go.”
Luu: “Sigh.”

Doog: “What’s all this?”
Luu: “In order to make Rimanium safer and easier to ship, it undergoes some minor processing. First it is heated, then it is allowed to cool slowly. This removes any moisture and makes the Rimanium more malleable.”
Doog: “Wait are you shipping Rimanium or that other trilizard-chlorox-stuff?”
Luu: “Rimanium. It’s safer and more stable with its impurities.”
Doog: “I see.”

Luu: “The more pliable Rimanium is formed into bars, which helps with shipping.”
Doog: “Yes! I finally have one.”
Luu: “Have a what?”
Doog: “A worm walked into a bar…”
Luu: “…”
Doog: “The bartender asked him, ‘How did you do that?’”
Luu: “…”
Doog: “Get it? Because worms can’t walk!”
Luu: “Ahem, after boxing the Rimanium bars, our job is essentially done. The recipients purify the bar upon arrival. They get the impurities – like manganese and calcium – as a bonus. We ship out about 90% of our Rimanium haul. We use to the rest to make lithium, a key component of our mecha’s power systems.”
Doog: “Neat. Say, do you have anything else to add? Maybe something about early birds or inchworms?”
Luu: “What?! No!”
Doog: “Dang! Well, thanks for the tour.”

Doog: “Well folks, that’s Rima. It’s home to the galaxy’s smartest worms…ok…I shouldn’t say that. It’s home to a race, distantly related to worms, that is incredibly good at mining. They have lot of cool technology – biomechanical suits, wall walking mining mechs, and indestructible hardsuits. They mine lots of stuff. Some is useful to their advanced society, and some is valuable across the galaxy. I don’t really understand the whole Rimanium thing, but it’s important somehow. Oh well, see ya!”
 
Note: Trilithium dichloride (Li3Cl2) is an extremely powerful RNA precipitator used to cleanse contamination from genetic samples. It is used in several fields, like cloning, gene exchange, and uplifting.
 

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting Bannus. Bannus is a planet in the galaxy’s Inner Rim known for its export of large, slow-growing fruits called Glaeba. These nutritious fruits take between five to seven years to mature, and – only then – can they be cultivated.  To ensure steady production, the collection of these high-maintenance fruits must be regulated. One of these regulations essentially prohibits the natives from accessing the plants without LIU approval. This has made for an interesting living situation on Bannus. Let’s head down and learn more.”

Doog: “Alright folks, I’ve been dropped off in a city called Gecekondu.  This large city sits in the hillsides just east of a Glaeba field. From the air, this walled-city essentially looks like a prison. I’m pretty sure that was intentional. The LIU must strictly control access to the Glaeba production.”

Doog: “Unfortunately, I have in-depth knowledge of LIU prisons, but this is my first time in a ‘prison city’. I don’t really know if it’s called that, but it certainly looks like one. Everything is rundown, and the buildings look decrepit. It’s almost like the residents here decided to live in a junkyard. There are small dilapidated buildings everywhere…some even look like converted shipping containers. The ‘houses’ are stacked on top of each other with little regard for any building codes. Gecekondu is more like a prison slum than an agricultural city. I better keep my head on a swivel and my wallet in my front pocket. I should probably find a shiv as soon as possible.”

Cleric: “Grace and wonder, visitor.”
Doog: “You can’t rob me! Well, mostly because I have zero credits, but you’re not getting my coupon for a free Kaadu steak! My wallet’s in my front pocket by my junk, so ha!”
Cleric: “Oh my, friend. Whatever do you mean?”
Doog: “You’re not mugging me?”
Cleric: “Of course not.”
Doog: “Oh…this is awkward. I just assumed the worse because of my surroundings.”
Cleric: “Bannus is nearly crime free. The flock adheres to the teachings. You are safe.”
Doog: “Oh. I see. Are you, like, some type of priest?”
Cleric: “I am a cleric. We are the guidance, the moderation, and the sustenance.”
Doog: “What should I call you?”
Cleric: “Upon donning the cloak, I forsook any identity. You may refer to me as Cleric – as you would my brethren.”
Doog: “Kleenex. Got it.”
Cleric: “It’s Cleric, actually.”
Doog: “Close enough. You don’t care about your identity anyway, right? I’m Doog, by the way.”

Doog: “So, am I right in guessing that this place is a prison?”
Cleric: “You are not.”
Doog: “What’s up with the walls around the entire city, then?”
Cleric: “Deterrents against spiritual failings. My flock is not perfect. No one is.”
Doog: “What does that even mean?”
Cleric: “Perhaps I can explain if I start from the beginning.”
Doog: “I guess that’s possible. Try to keep it quick, though. Don’t be afraid to throw in some humor and leave me plenty of opportunities to interject some useless statements or two-word questions. I have parameters to meet or I don’t get paid.”
Cleric: “I’ll try.”
Doog: “Great.”
Cleric: “My people have survived on Glaeba for time untold. The generously large fruits easily fed our small nomadic populations. New plants had time to mature between our wanderings and its regulation was never an issue. However, things changed upon the LIU’s arrival decades ago.”
Doog: “They always do.”

Cleric: “The LIU saw value in the fruit, and wanted to mass produce it. However, that would require many changes.”
Doog: “Like what?”
Cleric: “The fertile grounds where Glaeba thrived were converted into plantations. Competing species were eliminated, and the largest threat to production was eliminated.”
Doog: “Your people?”
Cleric: “Yes. My nomadic people were settled into static towns like Gecekondu. We would no longer roam the lush Glaeba environment.”
Doog: “That’s where the walls came in. Right?”
Cleric: “Not immediately. My people were needed for harvesting. The LIU paid them to reap the harvest, but also paid them yearly sums, if they allowed the Glaeba to mature another full cycle.”
Doog: “That sounds like a good deal. You get paid to work and then you get paid not to work. In fact, I WANT that deal!”
Cleric: “In theory, it sounds good, but the LIU paid little in between fruitages. It forced my people to pinch-credits between harvests. The troubles it caused also started our new religion, the Collective.”
Doog: “The Collective?”
Cleric: “The credits given in between harvests are collected or pooled by the clergy. With large sums of money and greater bargaining power, the clergy could secure resources easier. We made a guide that helps us moderate resources and provide sustenance to all. Guidance, moderation, and sustenance – the Collective.”
Doog: “That worked?”

Cleric: “It did. No one starves on Bannus. Kitchens, spread throughout the city, feed the masses. It doesn’t matter if the season lasts five years or seven, my people eat.”
Doog: “Eat what?”
Cleric: “A nourishing stew of weeds and supplements.”
Doog: “Weeds?”
Cleric: “Unwanted greenery removed from the Glaeba fields.”
Doog: “Ew. Couldn’t you collectively afford some steaks or something?”
Cleric: “No. Especially since the saved credits fund other social programs like schools and healthcare.”
Doog: “I rather remain uneducated and sick than eat green slop.”
Cleric: “Some of the flock agreed with you. They began to sin. They dipped into the Glaeba harvest.”
Doog: “That’s when the walls came in?”
Cleric: “Yes. The unfaithful would never be tempted again.”

Cleric: “Didn’t you just insult the stew? Why are you eating it?”
Doog: “Free is free.”
Cleric: “It’s free for collective members only.”
Doog: “Oh, well take it back then. It tastes like someone scraped the underside of a hover-mower’s blade deck. I don’t want it anyway. Worst soup ever!”

Doog: “One question remains, I guess. Where is all this junk coming from? Did your collective buy bulk trash?”
Cleric: “We’ve already covered the sustenance portion of the Collective.”
Doog: “The kitchens.”
Cleric: “Yes. This ‘junk’ – as you call it – is part of the moderation tenet.”
Doog: “Moderation? You moderately take things to the scrapyard? I don’t get it.”
Cleric: “No, the moderation tenet revolves around resourcefulness and frugality. Nothing can be wasted. There is use in all things.”
Doog: “You guys repurpose waste into homes and stuff?”
Cleric: “Exactly. By utilizing free, abandoned leftovers to make homes, clothes, and tools, we can save more money for food and social programs.”
Doog: “I see. Where did all this junk – or valuable resources – come from?”
Cleric: “The LIU left behind tons of waste after terraforming the Glaeba fields. Equipment, parts, shipping containers, and so on were abandoned here. Our people recover these neglected items and recycle them.”

Doog: “There’s a lot of off-worlders in this section of the town.”
Cleric: “Junkers and scrappers. They come here to find valuable parts for cheap.”
Doog: “You guys sell some of the trash?”
Cleric: “Yes. It’s the only thing keeping the coffers full these days. Automation has eaten into our harvest funds.”
Doog: “Wait…what?”
Cleric: “The LIU slowly replaced our labor with automated harvesting machines. We're no longer involved in the harvest.”
Doog: “How are you guys surviving!? Isn’t that like most of your credits?!”

Cleric: “It has been a challenge, but we make due. The LIU still pays us to stay out of the fields, and there’s plenty to scrap in the old automation factories.”
Doog: “What if they stop paying you to stay out of the fields? Or the junk runs out?”
Cleric: “The junk will eventually run out. This much is true. However, it is unlikely the LIU would ever suspend the between-harvest payments.”
Doog: “What makes you so sure? They could stop giving out money at any point.”
Cleric: “They could, but it wouldn’t be profitable. The starving masses of Gecekondu would breach the walls. We are, after all, resourceful. The loss of crops would be huge. Not to mention the military costs of getting the situation back under control. It’s cheaper to make the payments.”
Doog: “Perhaps. So, what am I looking at here? Some type of church or a big kitchen?”

Cleric: “A holy site, but not a church. It is not resourceful to waste time worshipping at a specific place. That would violate the moderation tenet. Our religion does not require attendance.”
Doog: “I see. Why is it holy, then?”
Cleric: “Temples like these are gateways in the walls. You can access the fields from within.”
Doog: “Whoa. What’s stopping your people from escaping to the Glaeba fields?”
Cleric: “Moderation and self-control.”
Doog: “Yeah, yeah. That tenet again.”
Cleric: “Yes, but also the first tenet – guidance. Temples house many clerics. Our presence and guidance deter anyone from exiting.”
Doog: “Don’t be bad in front of the teachers type-of-thing.”
Cleric: “I suppose. Well, are you ready to see the fields?”
Doog: “What! We can enter the fields!?”
Cleric: “The years of devoted moderation it takes to become a Cleric has given us leeway with the LIU. We are trusted.”
Doog: “What about me? I know the LIU doesn’t trust me.”
Cleric: “You may proceed under my guidance. Don’t touch anything.”
Doog: “Got it.”

Doog: “So, these are the fruits that cause all the chaos here. To be honest, they don’t look like much.”
Cleric: “This yield is young. From experience, I’d guess they were two years old. They have many more cycles before they are mature. They will triple in size and darken to a rich olive color by the time they are harvested.”
Doog: “Hmm. I wonder how they taste.”
Cleric: “It has been decades since I have tasted them, but I remember their taste like it was yesterday. They are gracefully tart, chalky, and astringent with a wonderful sweet aftertaste. Grace and wonder.”
Doog: “Hey, that’s the greeting you used earlier.”
Cleric: “An homage to the past.”

Doog: “This must be one of the automated harvesters.”
Cleric: “Yes. One of millions on Bannus.”
Doog: “Why are there harvesters out here when the Glaeba have years to mature?”
Cleric: “The robots are programmed to complete many tasks during the off-season, like pruning and removing diseased fruits. They also weed the fields to remove competing species.”
Doog: “Do these weeds go into that nasty weed stew you guys make?”
Cleric: “Yes.”
Doog: “So, the LIU pays you not to work, but you pay the LIU for its weed scraps?”
Cleric: “A large portion of the payment is returned to the LIU for sustenance. Yes.”
Doog: “You’re right, I don’t see the LIU stopping that payment anytime soon. They’re raking you guys over the coals.”
Cleric: “We are modest in our survival.”
Doog: “You’re something, alright.”

Doog: “Holy Emperor! That’s one heck of a harvester.”
Cleric: “The newest model, it was introduced a few years ago.”
Doog: “What can a twenty-foot-tall robot with four five-foot razor claws harvest? How big do these fruits get? Unless, it’s not for harvesting at all.”
Cleric: “What do you mean?”
Doog: “It looks armored and has spikes on its limbs.”
Cleric: “What are you inferring?”
Doog: “It’s just a conspiracy theory – and I’m often wrong – but, the between-harvest money might be coming to an end. These ‘harvesters’ are here for the eventual wall breaches.”
Cleric: “Blasphemy. The LIU would never.”
Doog: “They would. How many of these new harvesters were made?”
Cleric: “I will not answer such an irreverent question! You are banished from Gecekondu! Stay away from me. We will speak no longer!”
Doog: “Aren’t you supposed to be my guidance?”

Doog: “Well folks, I don’t think he’s coming back. How can I wrap up Bannus? Let’s see. There’s a slow-growing fruit here called Glaeba. To maximize the harvest, the LIU wrangled up the native Bannu and stuffed them into walled cities. They once paid the Bannu as harvesters, but robots stole their jobs. Their only ‘steady’ source of income comes from the LIU in the form of ‘between-harvest’ payments – a bribe to stay out of the Glaeba fields. They also make money sifting through abandoned LIU junk, but we all know that won’t last. Oh well, see ya!”
 
 
Note:
 
To: The Office of Magistrates
From: LIU Information Control
Reference: LIU Atlas – Bannus
 
     Dejected TV reporter Terrance McDoogal might have caused image issues in his latest TV segment. McDoogal conjectured that the Mark II Defense Bots were not harvesters, but some type of genocidal death squad. This is untrue.
     The Mark II’s are a rudimentary defense force protecting assets in the event that the LIU staffed clergy is ever exposed.
     Cleric Jared Johnson feigned ignorance and disgust at McDoogal’s claim. With his rebuttal and McDoogal’s record of ineptitude, we believe his claims will be ignored. However, in an abundance of caution, we ask that the honorable Magistrates monitor all channels for the keywords: Bannus, genocide, false, clergy, tenets, religious, control, and hotdogs. (Hotdogs was an AI recommendation, we are unsure of its meaning.)
 
     Thanks,
LIU Information Control Officer #00G044062

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting the Mid-Rim planet, Stercus.  Stercus is temperate with a standard atmosphere. The majority of the planet is covered in a large ocean, but it does have four major continents. These continents are inhabited by a sentient species known as the Steb. The Steb have a diverse economy, but I’m told their primary export is something unique. Let’s head down and check it out.”

Doog: “Alright folks, I’ve been dropped off in the coastal city, Sakaka, in the Jawf Province. This is one of the planet’s largest cities, and one of its major exporters. I still don’t know what they export, but I bet it’s something colorful. This place is vibrant.”

Doog: “It appears I’ve been dropped off in some type of market. There’s…”
BEEP
Doog: “…there’s plenty of people…
BEEP BEEP
Doog: “Hey! I’m trying to do a show here!”

Motorist: “Well, do it out of my way! I’m pinching pennies here.”
Doog: “What does that even mean?”
Motorist: “I’m dropping a dime as we speak! Move it!”
Doog: “I literally have no idea what you’re talking about. Something has clearly been lost in translation.”

Quan: “Mrhbann, Doog. I am Quan, son of Waftka, prince of Jawf Province.”
Doog: “Uh, hey. You seem a little more normal than the last local I met.”
Quan: “Oh, you’ve spoken to my subjects?”
Doog: “Not too much. Just some guy yelling about pinching pennies or something.”
Quan: “Wahaha. That’s funny.”
Doog: “I don’t get it.”
Quan: “Oh, it’s just a saying we have around here. Essentially, it means to never hold-up a man that’s tardy for a job.”
Doog: “I’m still lost. Perhaps it’s a language or culture thing.”
Quan: “Well, friend. Let’s get you up to speed.”

Quan: “Sakaka is the jewel of Jawf Province. Everything produced on this continent ends up here to be traded or sold. There are spices from the Nahr-lands. Fruits from the fog deserts. Linens from the coastal villages.”
Doog: “Are any of those things your special export?”
Quan: “No, no. These things are either consumed locally or traded to other provinces. To see our intergalactic export, we’ll need to venture further into the city. Come, join me for a ride.”

Quan: “Much of this planet is changing, especially in the large cities, like Sakaka. I fear the old ways will be lost soon.”
Doog: “What do you mean?”
Quan: “The arrival of off-worlders has permanently altered our culture. Gone are the days of spirituality, art, and workmanship. The era of consumerism is upon us.”

Quan: “The off-worlders brought new economic opportunities to Stercus, but they also brought new things to spend it on – motor vehicles, fuel, electronics, and various gadgets. Many of my subjects now relegate their time to these new material possessions instead of the old things.”
Doog: “You hate to see a culture disappear, but have you seen the new LIUpad! You can watch adult programming – I mean – educational programs in Mega-Ultra HD.”
Quan: “I see you have been bitten by the consumerism bug yourself.”
Doog: “Hey, porn is art. Kind of. Sort of.”

Doog: “Joking aside, some of these new goods must have been beneficial.”
Quan: “Yes. Of course. Quicker communications have increased trade and cooperation between provinces. Food production has doubled, meaning my subjects no longer go without food in the dry seasons. Surely there are other benefits, but I can’t think of any off the top of my head.”
Doog: “I bet this guy lugging around my fat-self would kill for a combustion engine.”
Quan: “Perhaps.”

Quan: “We’ve arrived in a residential district.”
Doog: “Your surprise export is in a residential area? What are you selling? People?”
Quan: “No, but my people produce this export.”

Doog: “This looks like a public bathroom. Why did we stop here?”
Quan: “You wanted to see our export, right?”
Doog: “You export bathrooms? Did you invent a better toilet or something?”
Quan: “Read the sign.”
Doog: “Wait…you export poop?!”
Quan: “Guano actually. The diet of my race makes our waste very mineral rich. It’s a big source of phosphorous, phosphorite, and potassium.”
Doog: “So, the LIU pays you to poop to collect these minerals.”
Quan: “Yes. They installed these fancy collection bathrooms in high populations areas. Want to see inside?”
Doog: “Not particularly, but I guess I have to.”

Doog: “It just dawned on me what ‘pinching pennies’ means. The man I was holding up was about to crap his pants.”
Quan: “Haha. Yes. On Stercus, it’s more than just an embarrassing affair, it’s a costly one as well.”
Doog: “I see that now. So, how does this work?”
Quan: “You scan your citizen ID chip, you get assigned a latrine, and you do your business. You get paid by volume.”
Doog: “How much are we talking?’
Quan: “A few credits per movement, typically.”
Doog: “Whoa! Count me in!”
Quan: “I’m not sure if that rate applies to humans, Doog.”

Guy: “I don’t care what you do, but get out of my way! I think I have some liquidity in my assets! I’m about five seconds from making in rain credits in here, if you catch my drift. Like, I’m in the ‘my wife’s not getting that new LIUpad if just one button on my pants gives me a hard time’ kind of hurry!”

Doog: “I’m having seconds thoughts. I thought there would be a little more privacy in here. I don’t want to make eye contact when I’m doing my business.”
Guy: “Speaking of privacy, can’t a guy do an honest day’s work without being filmed? Geez, some people have no work ethic.”

Guy: “Oh boy! Here she comes. Wifey’s getting a new fur coat! Oh yeah, that’s a twelve-credit deuce for sure. Wait, there’s more! Looks like the paychecks getting a little bonus. Forget that coat, we might be getting a yacht!”

Doog: “Ok, this is a bit much. I think I’m getting out of here.”
Quan: “Well, it was good to meet you Doog, but I’m staying. I have a little royal business to conduct myself.”

Doog: “Well folks, that’s Stercus. We officially visited a planet where a race of people get paid to poop. Can you imagine the paydays after taco night? If I was born here, I could have been a millionaire. Oh well, see ya!


​
Note:

Worker: “Get a geology degree, they said. Get into the mining industry, they said. Stupid guidance counsellors!”

​

Doog: “Welcome to another episode of LIU Atlas. I’m your host, Terrance “Doog” McDoogal. Today, we’re visiting the moon, Lucernae, which orbits the gas giant Parma. Lucernae’s orbital velocity matches Parma’s orbital period, keeping the moon constantly in Parma’s shadow. In other words, Lucernae never receives direct sunlight. The little light that reaches Lucernae is diffused through Parma’s atmosphere. Despite being relatively dark, Lucernae is habitable. It has a breathable atmosphere and is moderately warm. I’m even told that the shadowed moon has life. Let’s head down and check it out.”

Doog: “Alright folks, I’ve been dropped off on Lucernae’s surface near some type of habitat. There’s a lot to take in right off the bat. First, Parma dominates the moon’s sky. Secondly, the moon has tons of bioluminescent plants. Thirdly, there’s plenty of light here. Some light is coming from these eerie, glowing plants. Some is coming from the gas giant itself. I wonder what process makes Parma light up? I’d ask someone, but so far, I can’t find anybody. Where is my guide? Seriously, I’ve knocked like twenty times, and no one came to the door. I guess I’ll just head out and explore this creepy moon by myself.”

Doog: “I’m immediately regretting my decision. I know practically nothing about this moon. Are these plants safe? Are they glowing because of radiation? Is there other life here – like dangerous carnivore types? Most importantly, how far am I going to have to walk? I might have just doomed myself to unnecessary exercise.”

Doog: “Ok, dilemma time. There’s a very large creature just in front of me. It hasn’t tried to eat me – yet – so, I’m thinking it’s not a carnivore. That’s good. Now, I just have to figure out if it’s willing to let me ride him. I’m done with all this walking. However, his grunting and horn-shaking are giving me doubts. What’s worse – walking or being mauled by this creature? Alright, screw it, let me try…”

Molly: “That would be most unwise.”
Doog: “Did my conscience just speak out loud to me?”
Molly: “No. It’s your guide. I’m right behind you.”
Doog: “Where have you…”
Molly: “Shh. No sudden movements. Don’t turn around. Face the Septehorn. If you look away, it will charge.”
Doog: “Oh crap! Uh…ok. I’m staring right into the creature’s soul. I’m not even blinking.”
Molly: “Good. Now walk backwards slowly. Keep looking at the Septehorn as we retreat.”

Molly: “Alright. I think we’re safe now. Septehorns are extremely territorial, but they only defend their immediate surroundings.”
Doog: “Can I blink now?”
Molly: “Yes. We’re safe. I’m Amoullin, by the way. You can call me, Molly.”
Doog: “Molly, how thankful should I be? Like, how injured or dead would I have been if I tried to ride a Septic Horn?”
Molly: “Septehorn, or seven horn. And, you’d be very injured and likely killed if you attempted to approach it any further. It’s a matter of how many horns would have penetrated your body and where. Their kicks are no joke either.”
Doog: “I guess I should be thankful then. Of course, I wouldn’t have been in this mess if you would have been at the meeting place.”
Molly: “Sorry about that. My last session went over.”

Doog: “Session?”
Molly: “Yeah. I’m a tour guide. I show tourists around Lucernae. The last group ran over their time limit. They were taking selfies with everything. Something about social media clout.”
Doog: “Wait, are you telling me I have an actual professional guide for once?”
Molly: “Well, professional might be pushing it, but I’ve been doing this since Pulchra* fell about eight years ago. I know the planet pretty well.”
Doog: “Well then, let’s hear a quasi-professional fact about these glowing plants.”
Molly: “They use standard bioluminescent chemicals to fluoresce, like luciferin, luciferase, and photoproteins. They glow so they can attract the attention of the planet’s herbivores. They want to be eaten to distribute seeds. Speaking of which, this planet only has herbivores. There are Septehorns – which you met, Nilhorns, and the planet’s sentient species, the Lucern.”
Doog: “There’s sentient life here?”
Molly: “Yes.”

Molly: “Competition with the larger – and more dangerous – Septehorns caused the Lucern and the Nilhorns to form a mutually beneficial, symbiotic relationship. They always travel together these days. The Nilhorns get protection from the Lucern’s primitive weapons, and the Lucern get the benefit of riding Nilhorns as mounts.”
Doog: “I should have picked one of those to ride instead.”
Molly: “It might have been safer, but the Lucern might not have liked it.”
Doog: “Are the Lucern dangerous?”
Molly: “They are pretty mellow. I get along with them just fine. However, I generally don’t try to ride their symbiotic buddies.”
Doog: “Got it. Don’t try to ride anything on this planet.”

Molly: “There’s no economic value on Lucernae, so the locals haven’t been studied too much. The things we know about them come from tour guides, like me, who mingle with the Lucern daily.”
Doog: “Wait, this moon has no value?”
Molly: “There’s no minerals of note. The plants here are not nutritionally viable for farming. There’s obviously no technology of use to the LIU. The little money made here comes from tourism. Rich folks like to come here to see the glowing plants and planet-views.”
Doog: “I see. So, what have you learned about the locals with your time here.”
Molly: “Let’s see. They don’t speak Basic. Actually, they don’t really speak at all, per se. They communicate with rattles and clicks produced by vibrating the bony structures on their faces. Um, they are mostly colorblind. Coming from a darkened moon, they haven’t evolved to see much more than light and dark. That’s why everything is black in color, like their skin and clothing.”
Doog: “Makes sense.”
Molly: “Let’s see. Oh, the Lucern and the Nilhorns are nomadic. They wander the moon looking for fresh pastures of glowing plants. Yet, they don’t travel too far from a central point. Do you know why?”
Doog: “They’re scared of running into those seven-horn behemoths?”
Molly: “Good guess, but nope. They roam around a central point because of the Lucern’s religion.”
Doog: “Religion?”
Molly: “Yes. Follow me.”

Doog: “It’s some type of structure. It doesn’t look like your more modern habitat.”
Molly: “That’s because it was made by the Lucern.”
Doog: “These primitive herders made this?”
Molly: “Yes.”
Doog: “Why?”
Molly: “Religion. The Lucern seem to worship a certain material found on the moon.”
Doog: “A material? What? Gold? Diamonds? Hyper-rubies?”
Molly: “No. Nothing valuable to you or I. It’s just some random metallic compound.”
Doog: “Why do they worship worthless junk?”
Molly: “Given their astronomical situation, they don’t have much else to worship. There are no moon cycles to worship. No sun to adore. There’s Parma, I guess, but it stays the same throughout observable time. The only sense of wonder the Lucern have are these metallic materials.”
Doog: “But why are they wonderous?”
Molly: “Because they make sounds. Let’s head inside.”

Doog: “It’s some type of altar. Wait, is that a xylophone?”
Molly: “It’s an instrument created from metallic ore. Each bar of ore is a different size, and it produces a different sound when struck.”
Doog: “AKA, a xylophone.”
Molly: “If you’re being technical, it’s in the glockenspiel family, because it’s made of metal.”
Doog: “Brothels, bordellos – same thing. How does a race worship an instrument?”
Molly: “They don’t worship the instrument; they worship the sound it makes. The tones it produces sounds similar to the clicking and rattling the Lucern communicate with. Essentially, they believe that the moon is communicating with them when they play the instrument.”
Doog: “I guess it’s not anymore ridiculous than any other religion. What does the moon instrument tell them?”
Molly: “I have no idea. I don’t understand the clicking language.”
Doog: “I wonder what would happen if I played something on there. I could bang out a new dogma or something.”
Molly: “Don’t make the locals angry, Doog.”

Molly: “Look, they are playing a prayer now.”
Doog: “Yikes. Sounds like a garbage can falling down a set of stairs. I’m praying too – praying for it to stop.”
Molly: “Well, we don’t have to stay and listen. Let’s wrap up this tour.”
Doog: “You don’t have to ask me twice. This temple sounds like a wrench in a washing machine right now!”

Doog: “Well folks, that’s Lucernae. The natives here are not the best musicians, at least, by galactic standards. It does something for them, though, as it’s part of their religion. There are better things to check out here, though, like the sky-views, glowing plants, and unique life. These things attract rich tourists which brings the moon its only economic value. Oh well, see ya!”
 
 
Note: Lucernism is the 16,769,221,966th most popular religion in the LIU galaxy.
 
*Pulchra was one of several planets to break away from the LIU during the last major revolution. It has since been placed under the strictest of controls. Natives lucky enough to get off-planet come to worlds like Lucernae to avoid the LIU.